Black Maiden Fire Wheel

Wake up, Master. We have an emergency.

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It just started ringing all of a sudden.

Any ideas who it might be? Perhaps you were cut off from Chaldea?

No, our connection is still stable.

Besides a PHONE wouldn't exactly be our method of getting back in touch if we were cut off.

So, um... Who's going to answer it?

He will.

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A-are you okay with this, Senpai? Please don't get dragged into the phone, all right?

Oh, even in Shinjuku, I doubt that will happen! At least, I'm pretty sure it won't.

Anyway, go on and pick it up.

I've never heard of anyone being dragged inside a phone before.

？！

Good, you picked up just as I expected. Don't say a word, just listen to me.

If they ask you who I am, tell them the first thing that comes to mind. There's no need to lie.

I'm calling with information for you. How you use it...IF you use it is up to you.

I just saw some soldiers from the League of Phantom Fiends on the move. They were led by a Servant named Emiya.

They are headed for the altered Jeanne d'Arc's hideout.

She has remained neutral since she was summoned. She neither helps the weak, nor bows to the strong.

She simply sticks to her territory and roasts any who dare to trespass.

However, these soldiers are heavily armed. The only logical conclusion is that they are planning to kill her before she can join you.

That said, this Jeanne is a dragon witch I once made an enemy of. I can't guarantee she is trustworthy.

Do you plan to go and help her anyway?

...I expected you would say as much.

Nonetheless, hearing it for myself makes it clear: you are truly Chaldea's finest Master!

Heh, calm yourself, Fujimaru. Though I am glad to hear you answer just as I thought you would.

？！

You'll find her in the Shinjuku National Garden. And you may want to hurry.

Who was it?

What did they say?

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...I see.

So Jeanne has gone and claimed her own territory without any regard for others?

What kind of Alter does she think she is?

I think I'll tie her to the back of Cuirassier Alter and take her for a ride around the Metro Expressway.

That's awful.

Hmm, I don't think we should go help her.

Oh? Why's that?

Bluntly, she's quite mad.

I tried sneaking into her territory once. She merely said "Repent, die, etcetera" and hit me with wave after wave of explosive flame!

It was like being attacked by a living inferno!

She's a dragon witch!

Don't you think it's terrible she would do that to a poor, innocent old man!?

Were you listening to a word I said!?

Not to worry, Archer of Shinjuku. I probably would have done the same.

How is that supposed to make me feel better!?

？！

All right, I'll plot the fastest possible route from here to the park.

Go ahead and get ready, and we'll leave as soon as we can!

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...Yah!

Haaa!

...Whew.

Ngh!

Tch, finally landed a hit.

A human fortress altered into a human tank, eh. Or perhaps "aircraft carrier" would be more accurate?

For all your toughness and firepower, it seems all you can do is flail around.

Now don't you feel like a silly country girl, Jeanne d'Arc Alter?

Why you...! What kind of Servant are you, using a modern-looking gun!?

Only a Gunner like Billy the Kid could even think about getting away with something like that!

There are exceptions to every rule.

Some of us just like to customize the hell out of our weapons.

Every Servant knows swords are stronger than guns. But like many things, it depends how they're used.

...!

Now I see. That used to be a sword before you twisted it into a hideous gun! Freak!

Right you are. Now then, dragon witch.

As Shakespeare's Hamlet once said, "To be, or not to be." Which would you prefer?

Not that it matters, I suppose...since you'll suffer a painful death either way.

I believe killing someone begging for their life is a specialty of yours, isn't it?

You want an answer? Fine, here it is.

You messed with the wrong woman, you little shit. I'll burn you to cinders!!!

My my.

...Dragon's Roar!

Huh!?

She didn't...!

Bwahahahaha! If I die here, I'm taking you with me!!!

Are you so dense that you can't even figure that out, stujerk!? (Short version of "stupid jerk")

You'd blow yourself up!? Grr, you're as hardheaded and shortsighted as your original self!

Can I make it...!?

Time for you to burn up and disappear!

La Grondement Du Haine!

I can feel the heat all the way out here. No wonder this flame was capable of burning her to death.

Or at least, that's how she imagines it.

She's a fake; she doesn't actually know what the flames were like. She's simply recreating what she thinks it was like to the best of her ability.

What a waste. She would have been useful.

I could have used her one-track mind to sic her on targets like a mad dog.

Well, no matter. Explosive firepower like that would only complicate matters.

I suppose it's just as well she's gone now.

(Cough, hack!) (Gasp, gasp...)

That bastard! He used his shield at the last second to deflect the flames and escape!

Well, he's not getting away with it! Next time, I'll kill him...for...good.

Oh, great. I can't move another step.

Well, so what. I'd much rather die like a dog than burn at the stake.

...Maybe someone will rob me of all my belongings and dump me in the river... Maybe I'll disappear while they're treating me like a plaything...

Or maybe someone will save you.

Who's there!?

It's me. You've certainly been through the wringer, haven't you. Did you inflict that blast on yourself?

Oh hey, it's the loathsome ice bitch queen.

Said the mad dog.

So what do you want? I thought we already agreed to leave each other alone and do what we please.

That's no longer the case. I have a Master now, you see.

That's right, I have a Master!

You have a whaaaaaat!?

A Master...? A Master!? You!? The bitchy lioness who mauls anyone that gets close!?

And one you're so proud of you'd announce it twice, no less!?

It just goes to show the difference between us, mad dog.

Why you little...!

Well, so what! Knowing you, I bet your stupid Master's barely a step up from an apprentice!

They're probably a nervous, shady-looking wreck who can barely squeak out a command.

That's the only kind of Master you could...

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...

Dude, I don't know what she told you, but you're being played. I mean, you did save the world, right?

Surely you can find a better Servant than her.

Why, that would be me! Rest assured, Jeanne Alter, Fujimaru can count on me as well.

...

Hey pal, you'd better let me join your Servants. I can do a damn sight better than THESE two.

Hey, that's not very nice!

Not one bit. Tell me, exactly what are we lacking?

Ugh, there's so much I can't even be bothered to list it all.

Anyway, it looks like the hyenas have caught my Noble Phantasm's scent.

Hey, get rid of them for me. We can talk after that.

The battle is over. Well done, Master.

Wait, you're a Shielder? Why aren't you over here helping us?

Well, uh...

Due to extenuating circumstances, I'm currently on Servant leave.

Is that so? Kinda wish you weren't, seeing as you're our last bastion of defense and all.

Ah well, I guess we'll figure something out.

Th-thank you for understanding.

I'm honestly a bit taken aback. I didn't know you thought so highly of me.

I remember you refusing to let go of your shield even though you had to fight back tears of fright.

Seeing as we detestable holy maidens don't get scared at all, I figure you'd make a better human.

Ugh, what a waste.

I'm sure we wouldn't have lost if you'd been on our side.

R-right...

Hey, mad dog.

Stay out of this, ice bitch queen. No one cares what you think.

I'm told that the Servant possessing Mash is Galahad.

That makes her one of my knights. I won't have you trying to poach her.

Hey! Who knew the ice bitch queen even had emotions left anymore?

But unfortunately for you, she's NOT Galahad, so I can do what I damn well please, ice bitch queen!

...Is that so.

...!

How can you be neutral on this, Master? You're supposed to be on my side!

HAH! First your Shielder dumps you, now your Master! Whatcha gonna do, ice bitch queen?

Me? Get along with her?

Yeah. For once I have to agree with her, Master. What are you, stupid? Did you mean that as a joke? Because I'm not laughing.

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Ahem!

The important thing is that we have a new and capable ally! Now let's go begin our counterattack!

And what makes you think you can give us orders, Archer?

Hey, I remember you now! I'm gonna mess you up for what you did!

I am sorry for sneaking into your territory. Please forgive me; I was rather desperate at the time!

You think I give a shit, old man?

I'm pissed off about you blowing a hole through my gut.

Huh?

...

WHAT!? You better not have forgotten!

Never mind Shinjuku; I had to crawl around the subway just to escape!

With all those guys after me, I never even had a chance to catch my breath.

Oh, hey, would you look at that? It's stake burning o'clock. I'm gonna crisp you up real good!

Waaait!

I understand how you feel, but please, just slow down! I'm not the Archer of Shinjuku you think I am!

Huh?

I see you don't believe me. Not that I blame you; we do look exactly alike.

But it's the truth. He's the evil Archer, and I'm the good Archer!

Huh?

Hahaha! No wonder she doesn't believe you!

Indeed...

To be honest, we still don't completely trust you ourselves.

Uh... Master, have you had your eyes checked lately? Or your head, for that matter?

You know what, maybe we should get you a complete physical, just to be safe...

R-really?

...

Nope, sorry, I can't.

Strange. For some reason, these old eyes of mine can't seem to stop crying.

For someone with genius-level detective skills, you'd think you'd know how not to act suspiciously!

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