Vol. 6 Ch. 1 Ep. 10: Scars and What Remain

I'd like to talk about some things with you...please.

Yes, please... Either is fine.

"By the way, your class today was amazing."

R-Really?

...Even you don't think you could've done as well?

Too much flattery is a little embarrassing, Sensei.

...You meant it? You knew you were right to ask us?

Oh. Um...

I used to teach all of them in the past. As a drill instructor.

But this experience...it's motivating me to study harder.

Hm? Teaching is its own form of learning?

I suppose you would have to understand a subject thoroughly to teach it to someone else.

Fufu. I agree with that. Like the fog lifted as I began to explain things.

And... Hm? There's something else?

How...can we teach you anything?

A teacher's job is to guide those with less experience, is it not?

"And there's a lot you lose as you age."

"I get to learn them all over again from my students."

I...see...

That's hard for me to understand.

...But I will one day?

At times, Sensei...

You speak a bit like...a geezer.

Are you okay, Sensei?! Did you choke? Are you sick?

N-No? That was the despair of someone forced to face undeniable truths?

Sh-Should I not have used that word? It was my first time...

I overheard someone say it once, so I wanted to try.

I...truly am sorry! Even if you forgive me, I...

I...

...

Sensei.

I'm sorry. Again. For something else.

...Fufu. All these apologies may be ineffective in communicating my intentions.

We might have a repeat of the cruise, at this rate. A never-ending carousel of apologies that leads us nowhere.

*sigh*

I apologize if what I'm about to ask is rude, Sensei.

I hope I don't come across as rude.

This is simply the result of my resolve to face my crimes.

Being back here made me realize something.

I never apologized to you. Not even once.

Back then...?

It's just... being back here...

...brings back a lot of memories, in more ways than one.

...

S-sensei?

...

I still haven't properly apologized to you, Sensei...

Oh... That did feel abrupt at the time. I didn't realize that was why, though.

However...

Could you indulge me for a little bit, Sensei? I realize I'm being selfish.

Lately, I've felt stuck in that moment. As if the past is binding me to it, demanding I find the courage to face it.

If I can't do that while I'm here, where everything began... I don't know if I'll ever be able to return to those kids.

I'll be stuck, wading through this sludge of regret and guilt.

Hm...

Then...

Could you show me your stomach, Sensei?

I realize how it sounds! But that's not what I mean at all!

I did try to give some context this time...

...

I...

I want... I need to see it with my own eyes, Sensei. Your scar. The traces left on you, Sensei.

"...!"

Ah...

That's...

...

I'm...sorry...

Sensei, I'm...

...sorry...

I'm sorry. I'm just so...

I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm... Wh-What do I do? How do I make this better? How do I fix this?

Sensei...

Our Sensei...

How could...someone like me...?

How could I...?

Ugh...

Hng...

*sob* I'm... *sob* Augh...!

"Hey. It's okay."

Sen...sei?

I-It doesn't matter!

I scarred you! It's still there! It'll be there forever!

I know that! That much, I've learned, Sensei!

These are the consequences of my actions! No matter what I do, the things I have done have left wounds that will never, ever truly heal!

The scars of my very existence scattered into thorns that hurt everything and everyone around me! I will never be able to erase those traces! Yesterday, now, and forevermore!

If this is how things are, I'd rather...

I'd rather...have...

Sensei...?

Ugh...!

...We bear them? Together?

...

That's how...people are meant to live...?

But...

I still don't know. I really don't know...

The only thing I've learned...is that I know nothing at all.

I truly believed that if I could face what I've done, I could finally move forward from it.

I deluded myself into thinking that, if I could look at it with my own eyes, I could forgive myself.

But all of that...

This was all just arrogance on my part, wasn't it?

...Yes?

...

Fufu.

How strange.

I've thought about that, many times over.

...

And every time I did, I was overcome with regret.

I resented that idiotic brat, who hurt others and committed crimes without a second thought.

Without considering the consequences of her actions, with little regard for the lives she would destroy.

I wish I could talk to that brat.

...After slapping her across the face at least once.

I would ask her if she understood the gravity of what she intended to do.

I want to shake her until she comes to her senses, until she sees how dark and desolate the path she's walking down is.

...

But that's impossible now.

That brat is gone, and it's just me. Me, trying to understand the very consequences she so selfishly ignored.

Since I can't do that, I have no other option but to keep moving forward on the path she set us upon. To try to right it, somehow.

That's all there is to it.

...

Yes. That's all there is to it.

Sensei...?

"Do you hear me, Saori? That's enough."

"Even if the whole world points their finger at you..."

So you do think I'm guilty...?

...If I can make the better choice next time...

...and if I've grown enough to stop and think before I act next time, that's enough for you?

If I can promise you that, you'll be there...

...as many times as it takes?

U-Ugh...

You know, something is different. Here at Arius.

Um.

That first class helped to ease the tensions.

And we were able to talk to each other.

Their quality of life has improved.

Water Time is a more peaceful teatime now, and they've been receiving three proper meals a day.

Of course, the entire district is still run down, but...

Money and supplies have started circulating, even if only slightly.

Although I still don't understand where it's all coming from.

Regardless, something has shifted in Arius.

...I suppose it's not surprising, though.

Nothing in this world stays exactly the same forever.

I don't have a name for this feeling yet.

All I can say is that it's good to see that their lives have improved, no matter how slightly.

...

Sensei.

Do you think...there's any hope for us too?

...I see.

I'm grateful we met you, Sensei.

To have had you by our side until now... We're truly lucky.

Without you, I...

Actually, all of us probably would have...

Sensei, I'm only postulating, but I have a question.

...

Could I...sleep here with you tonight?

Don't look THAT shocked, Sensei. I was making a joke.

I see. I'll keep that in mind for the future.

Fufu. Who's to say?

Well, I don't have the most comfortable room to get back to.

But I should still return to it. Good night, Sensei.

I said I was only making a joke.

A part of me may have meant it, though.

Fufu.

Sleep well, Sensei.

U-Um, Subaru? Are you sleeping...?

Oh, Maia. No, I'm not. Why don't you come in?

It's okay! Um, I was just checking in...

Oho? Did you think I would be in here nursing my pride, sulking over my loss against the Squad and Sensei?

N-N-N-N-No way! That's not why at all! I absolutely, definitely wasn't thinking that, Subaru!

Don't worry... I understand why you'd think that...

I SAID that's not it!

Ahahaha. I'm sorry, Maia. I'm just teasing. There's nothing to worry about, okay?

R-Really...?

Really. Maybe now isn't the time to talk about this, but...

Arius' hatred won't be satiated so easily.

Ah...!!

By the way, did you have fun today?

In class? Um... Well...

D-Did you, Subaru?

Hey, we've talked about this. We'll never get anywhere if you always answer questions with questions.

I-I'm sorry, Subaru!

It's hard for me to say...

I've never experienced anything like that before. There was too much going on.

But...

It was also really incredible, in its own way.

Like, "Wow! So that's how things work out there."

And it made me realize...just how separate our two worlds were.

Actually, that's not exactly right.

They still are. Two entirely different worlds.

...I can't deny that.

But a lot has still changed here.

Most importantly, there's enough food to go around now. So we've taken steps forward, in our own way.

Mhm! That's the best part of all this!

I-I did...have a question about that...

All this food, the snacks and meals... Don't they cost money?

So how...??

...

Do you really want to know, Maia?

Huh? Y-Yes...

Once you know this, there's no going back. There are some things that we are better off not knowing. That will warp your understanding of the world.

A-Are you serious?!

No, no. Kidding, I'm kidding. Forgive me?

Subaru...

It is true, though. New knowledge shapes your perspective.

It molds the way you view certain circumstances. And you won't be able to unlearn it.

...Like with Sensei's lessons today.

Subaru...?

In this world, you can't change or do anything without money.

Everyone wants the next best thing, but there's a finite number of resources in the world.

Scarcity causes competition, and competition causes conflict.

Along the way, someone gets left behind. But society doesn't stop for anyone, until one day everyone forgets they even existed. Just like that.

...Just like us.

Have you heard? In Kivotos, our particular set of skills is in very high demand.

It's a line of work where Arius students alone hold a very unique advantage.

In other words, Arius has a monopoly on the market.

A "line of work"? A "monopoly?"? Our "unique advantage"...?

S-Subaru?!?

Good, you're back. I assume the job is done?

Hm? What's this?

P-Please spare me! I'll do anything if you let me live! Just don't kill me, please!

Um...?!

...

Explain yourself, Subaru. I told you to "take care of him."

Consider him a present. From now on, he lives to serve you.

If you're not happy with it, I'll make him eat lead right here.

AUGH! No! Please! Anything but that!

...He certainly looks the part. But taking him out will be cleaner.

You get none of his assets if I kill him here. Keep him, and everything he owns is yours, down to his socks.

You can have anything you want! Just don't kill me! I can be useful!

Hm... How can you ensure my safety? He could turn on me at any moment.

Tell him you have Arius on speed dial. That'll keep him in check.

Eeek!!

It's tempting, but...you're nothing but a mercenary. You'll stab me from behind as soon as I turn my back on you.

I'm no common criminal looking for their next buck. Without their reputation, a mercenary is nothing.

We're wildcards in a business that doesn't like surprises, so mercenaries have to be reliable to survive.

...

Fine. I'll trust you on this. Good work.

Bahahaha! The market's as good as ours!

(...Most people barely know what Arius is, and those who do dismiss it as the dirty slums.)

(Do they not realize just how filthy the outside world they live in is?)

D-Does that mean...

...you've...killed someone before...?

Not yet.

Wh-What a relief! That's good to hear!

But you can get paid for...doing that?

I don't actually do the deed. Just...close enough. It usually works out in the end.

It's common to say that people don't change.

I've learned that's not true.

When people are face-to-face with death...they change. It's like instinct. It's always a gamble, who they'll become in that last moment.

Maybe we've changed too. Who in this world lives closer to death than we do?

Because we're Arius.

This might be just me, but money...is just money.

There's no such thing as "clean" or "dirty" money. One yen is always just one yen. If I had the luxury to think about things like that like that, I'd consider myself blessed.

The longer I do this kind of work, the more I can feel it wear away at my soul.

When you attack something that looks human, it gets inside your head. Maybe humans evolved that way to protect ourselves from each other.

Hm? What do I do when I feel that way?

...

I think about each of you, of course.

You're my reason to keep pushing forward.

...I've been away more lately, haven't I? I'm sorry.

N-N-No! Not at all! Please don't apologize! Of all people, you shouldn't be the one apologizing! You're working so hard for us, Subaru...

And I'm happy to do it. You can make it up to me by eating lots and enjoying your youth. That's what keeps me going.

Not everyone can be happy. That's the thinking of dreamers and innocents.

Nobody knows that better than we do.

That's why the kids at Arius need somewhere to go. A place they can call home.

I'm going to build that home for them. Here.

The kids that were thrown away, the ones who weren't "useful" to society... They can come here.

It might be a little cramped for everyone to come all at once, though!

...It's like a little bird's nest, huh?

Be that as it may, it's this nest I want to protect.

Then all those baby birds can live here with a sense of safety.

And maybe, step by step, they'll be able to learn how it feels to live.

Subaru...

Remember Madame?

Ugh.

Hahaha! Seriously. Ugh! Just the thought of that time makes my skin crawl.

...There are things out there that Madame has never done.

Things she never even thought to try.

If I lived out my life experiencing all those things, I'd be satisfied.

For the time being... That's enough.

...

Subaru.

Yeah?

Play me a song!

D-Do you know what time it is? I already played today...

Just one more time! Please? I'm sure everyone else will hear it and love it too!

Geez... I don't know how you all turned out like this.

All right, all right. Fine.

Heehee...

Is that a harmonica? Subaru...

...

That one hasn't changed at all.

Hm...?

Wh-What is this? Who's there?!

Ugh!

(I feel like I'm drifting...into a suffocating fog...)

(But what...?)

Is that...a trumpet?