Vol. 6 Ch. 3 Ep. 2: In Spite of Everything

What lies ahead of it?

...!

Since we've already started talking about the past, let's go a little further down memory lane.

...They say clinging to old memories is a sign of age and decline. Are you already that far gone?

Maybe so. I've been feeling a little duller lately.

...Though it's a bit rude to be speaking this way in front of Sensei.

But I gained a lot in exchange.

It reminds me of an old story. Do you remember the one about the harsh drill instructor and the kind centurion?

Of course. They're practically essential archetypes in running any organization.

But you're not about to claim you were the kind centurion, are you?

Hardly. By any measure, I was the harsh instructor. If anyone was the kind centurion, it was you.

People can only live the way they know how.

Right. Not that any of it matters anymore, but the Squad members were each handpicked for their own reason.

As their leader, I received the worst end of the stick, in terms of training.

...And in the end, I continued that cycle. I turned around and treated others exactly how I'd been treated.

...Looking back, I truly was a fool.

Are you still beating yourself up about stuff like that? Honestly, I never thought I'd be the one comforting YOU here.

People really do live exactly how they know.

I used to think the same.

Before I left Arius, that was.

...What are you saying now?

It's not everybody, but people's lifestyles do generally tend to affect their way of thinking, which in turn pushes them further into that lifestyle.

So, from that perspective, your view isn't wrong.

There are other options. People can think and live the way they choose.

That is the most important thing I've learned since leaving.

Would you get to the point?

I know everything you're feeling right now. I felt the same way in your position.

You gathered and guided lost students. Gave them a reason to live again.

It slowly gave you the motivation to keep on pushing.

But, tell me, what are you pushing towards? What is at the end of your "Arius way"?

We both know the answer to that. You'll be left with just hatred and rage.

There's nothing else. It's meaningless. Nothing remains. That's the inevitable end of that path.

Had I stayed in Arius, had I never experienced more of the world...

If I'd never met Sensei, I would be standing exactly where you are now.

I'd still be playing the harsh instructor, denying everything beyond what I'd been taught.

I would still be harboring what I thought was "our" hatred in my heart.

...And now you're back, coming to say that our way of life was wrong all along?

No. There's no right or wrong when it comes to these things. I still believe that.

We wanted you to study the outside world a little bit, to broaden your horizons a little.

It can help, sometimes. Then make whatever decision you want.

...Perspectives aren't as set in stone as they seem.

If people who know nothing, like those "Trinity girls," as you put it, said something like this...

...it'd probably sound like the empty prattle of naive optimists, full of pretense and hypocrisy.

But...at the very least, I think the Squad and I have earned the right to speak on this subject, if only a little.

...We've all rolled around in the same gutter, after all.

I never liked reckless optimists either.

To be honest, I hated them. With everything I had.

They're the type to avert their eyes from all the horrific things happening in this world.

Without knowing anything, they preach their beliefs and force them down your throat.

But not all of them are like that. Actually...

"A student must never kneel to a teacher."

Despite knowing horrible things happen in this world...

...and even while accepting that sometimes this world can be cruel and ugly...

...there are still people who never waver and never give up.

...I don't know about you, but seeing something like that, it convinced me, through and through.

It's a phrase people don't use as much anymore...

...but the phrase "in spite of everything" has grown on me.

Oh, so you're just so wise now? I'd hardly start bragging about my life, if I were you!

The moment you leave Arius, you'll be back to being a fugitive, always running from the possibility of arrest!

Yeah. You're right.

So I'm going to stop now.

Huh?!

"What?!"

The four of us have discussed it already.

...Yeah. What she said.

Heh, heehee. Whatever you say, Saori.

Yes. We can't keep doing this for the rest of our lives, now can we?

Sorry, Sensei. We meant to tell you when the time was right, but it never worked out.

Yes. Once this is all over, that's what we intend to do.

More than anything, I'm tired. I've had enough of this.

I've been living in the shadows for too long. I've never been able to stand proudly under the open sky.

Did you forget? You're all terrorists.

What you did was clearly an act of terrorism, carried out with malice.

Are you seriously trying to tell me you don't know what kind of sentence you'll get?

We know. But that's okay too. We'd rather have it that way.

I need to pay the price for what I've done.

I'm done running away from my past.

Don't worry. The remaining Arius students will be fine.

I intend to say I was the mastermind and instigator.

...And to be honest, that's true, to an extent.

So I'm sure you, too...

What exactly are you saying to me, Joumae Saori?

What...?

I asked what you're saying to me right now. Actually, don't answer.

I don't even need to try to read your mind. You're too predictable.

You're going to turn yourself in? You don't want to run anymore?

You want to pretend to be some goody-two-shoes now? Just bury everything and pretend it never happened?

Or should I regard you as some enlightened sage now?

Are you looking down your nose at us, acting as if nothing in the world matters anymore?

Don't make me laugh. Unless you know every single thing this world has to offer, then drop this high-and-mighty act.

Don't look down on Arius like it's yours, acting like you know the very meaning of life.

The way you're acting is exactly the same as those despicable Trinity brats!

I don't want to hear another word out of you! Cut the bullshit! Nothing has changed! Nothing is different! Our lives are still happening RIGHT NOW!

Look around! Do things look different? Is Arius all fixed up now?

Oh, right! It's still all just ruins! On the inside, it's rotting even more than before!

You know NOTHING of what Arius, of what WE, went through after Madame disappeared! How dare you try to speak with authority!

All this time, none of you spared us a single thought! Not you. Not the Squad. Not even Sensei.

I was the one who kept guard over Arius, over our home! We did!

Not you! Not the Squad! You threw away all your responsibilities and ran off to play house when we needed you the most!

Subaru... I never meant to claim anything so grand.

A "sage"? I still don't know anything. I haven't done anything to deserve that.

I just simply...

Simply...

(After that day, I remember the first sky I ever saw. It was so blue.)

(And that was also the first time I could really feel it.)

(I thought, "Ah. Maybe the world around me has always been there, since long, long ago.")

(The eye is not satisfied with just sight, nor the ear fulfilled with just hearing.)

(What has been will be again.)

(What has been done will be done again. In this universe, there is no such thing as "new.")

(Happiness, pain, pride and humility, anger...even hatred.)

(Truly.)

I just...felt for the first time that the rest of my life was too precious to waste.

...!

How dare you

speak like that?

You betrayed us.

Abandoned us.

Don't you ever

say that again.

If your lives are so very precious,

what about us here, in Arius?

What about me, who stayed to protect the nest,

for the sake of those who remained and would return?

You can't just make the past disappear!

Subaru?!

The past never just vanishes! It clings on! It proves the present!

This is Porta Pacis! The entire history of the Arius Satellite School converges within this place, within me!

In the end, the most important thing in this world is yourself! When you die, your world dies with you!

If that's so, then each person's way of life is their very proof of existence! Of their world!

No one will take responsibility for your life or live it in your place! That's why I stripped doubt away from the students!

So that no matter what happens, they can go on living, unafraid!

Madame was wrong for what she did. That's the honest truth.

But not everything she left behind...was wrong.

Nothing happens without meaning. Events gain meaning simply by happening.

So there can be no such thing as meaningless suffering.

And so, if there's no meaningless suffering, there can be no such thing as a meaningless past.

Um... Is anyone else getting a little weirded out right now?

Sensei! Get behind us!

You pushed her too far, Leader.

I-I wasn't trying to provoke her. I really wasn't.

Yes, yes. We can discuss that later, Sao-Sao.

Right now...

I think we need to deal with the most urgent matter at hand.