Happiness XL

So you said you wanted to play around a little... What did you have in mind? Drinking? Gambling?

Your interests are so basic for someone who's only just come to life.

C'mon, live a little! I wanna drink myself into a stupor! I wanna wake up like trash on the sidewalk, with no memory of how I got there!

Why would you throw your life away like that? Anyway, I don't like either of them.

So you've tried 'em? Tell me everything!

I used to drink a little, long ago. All I remember of it is the regret that came the next morning. Gambling, I've never tried. It's always intimidated me.

C'mon, you can't write something off without even trying it. It's all about the experience, right?

Says you, a doll who's never experienced anything!

Well, exactly! I don't know anything. That's why I wanna experience everything. I'd even give dying a try if I knew I'd come back after. Wouldn't you? So what's your poison? What d'you do for fun?

Do I look like I have fun? If I did, things probably wouldn't be like this.

But if I had to pick something... On days when I'm up for it, I do like to eat.

Ooh, so you know about good eats? Where can we get 'em?

Take me there! Name the place, and let's go! 3! 2! 1! I want a name!

Calm down, will you?

TELL ME! Tell me now!

C'mon, spit it out. You won't regret it. You don't wanna let your mama down, do you?

Why are you interrogating me? Where did you learn that?

No, play the criminal! You party pooper!

Calm down, will you? It's just over there. It's a strange place, but the food's good. Let's start out there.

Oh, so you're just gonna decide without even consulting me? This is why you don't have any friends!

Hey, that's none of your business! Besides, I've long since given up on having friends. But there's something I want to check. Come with me.

But I want my food! Oh, well. So long as it keeps me entertained, I'm on board.

Why didn't you know they didn't have their most popular dish?

I did know.

What? You knew they didn't have your recommendation, but you brought me here anyway? You tryna toy with me or somethin'? I'll call the police on you!

Can you be quiet for one second and listen? If what they said is true, then time has gone back. I came here yesterday. So I know roughly how things are going to play out here.

You didn't just eat up and leave? What, did somethin' funny happen? You vomit up your meal or somethin'?

Just once, can you please try to react like a normal person?

Listen. In a short while, some thugs are going to come in here. They beat me up yesterday.

Ouch, that sucks. So if we just wait here, I'll get to watch you get beat up again? Why'd you come here? This some hobby of yours?

No. It's almost time. Look.

Comin' through!

Welcome! I'm afraid we're running low on a few dishes, but⁠...

Wait for it. Any time now...

What're you lookin' at, boy? Got a problem with us?

A problem? Yeah, I do, actually.

He's got some nerve. Looks like we're in luck, though. We can't evict this loser if we beat him to a pulp... So we'll just have to teach him a lesson through you. What d'ya think, Boss?

Don't be dense. What if the shopkeeper runs away in the meantime? Let me deal with this pathetic customer. You two, keep an eye on the old man.

Oh, I get it. So we're gonna beat 'em up instead?

We're not, but I am. I want to do this myself.

I hate people like you. Bullies who think they get to walk all over everyone else. I can't count how many times I've messed you up in my head.

Your point being? Why should I care if you hate us? I'm not scared of you.

No? You will be.

You're all talk. Time to teach you a lesson. I'll wipe that smile right off your face.

Wha?! He destroyed our robots! Y-You've gotta be kidding me! This monster!

Let this be a warning to you. I want you to feel the fear. You can't fear me if you're dead. Just like what you're trying to do to him. How does it feel, now that the shoe's on the other foot?

Let's get outta here!

Yeah! But we'll be back!

Hahaha! Someone looks pleased with himself.

I am. I feel pretty good. At least compared to yesterday. And they say nothing good comes of vengeance.

Y-You two just saved my bacon! You're a regular here, right? Will you protect my store from those guys?

Tch. It's all about you, isn't it? I only did this to pass the time.

But! They'll come back! And if the store goes bankrupt, it's all over for me! Without my most popular dish on the menu, I can't pay up! I'm done for!

So your sales are dropping. I know. But I have a job. I don't have time to guard your store as well.

Your job? Really? C'mon, Yakumo. How can you still care about your job now?

So long as Chief is alive, slacking off is never going to be worth the stress I get for it. I know I can crush him anytime I want, but when he criticizes me, there's honestly nothing worse.

Pfft, how boring!

Yeah, yeah. But... It's a good point. If I help this store, it will stay in business a little longer. If I bring you your secret sauce, will you be able to make your signature dish?

H-How did you know about that? But yes, I would.

Wait there. I'll see what I can do.

So you're a good guy after all?

Stop it. I'm not a good guy. I told you that before!

B-Before? I don't remember that...

Get you, the people-pleaser.

People-pleaser? Don't make me sick. I only help myself. Come on, let's go. The Dust Lovers are blocking the shortcut to the warehouse. Let's go scare 'em off.

Again with the threats of violence? That's boring, we did that before. I wanna try something different. How about we jump up behind 'em and give 'em a nasty shock? We can teleport short distances, right?

I suppose. What a nuisance. Either's fine with me. If we're going to threaten them, then we'll meet them face on. If we're going to surprise them, then we'll head to the other side of that wall.

Hi.

What the? How'd you get here? Oof, I've gotta report this to Boss!

Piece of cake. Now let's get this done.

Ooh, so that's the sauce?

Yes. Let's give it to the manager.

Hey, what the?! I've gotta report this to Boss!

Piece of cake. Now let's get this done.

Ooh, so that's the sauce?

Yes. Let's give it to the manager.

Whoa! That's it! You found it! I can finally make my signature dish again!

Good. I'd like to order one.

Sure, anything for you! It's on the house, of course.

Whew! It smells so mouth-wateringly good! So this is food, huh?

You really are so annoying. But you know, it's been a long time since I last ate with somebody.

It's not so bad, actually.

I'd be mad if you said anything else! Now gimme some! Don't hog it all, you pig!

What do you expect of me? I'm not a good person. If you want to eat, then eat.

I will! Tasty treats, get in my belly!

So you can eat? Even though you're just a doll.

Well, I've never eaten before, so I dunno. I just wanna experience everything!

Huh?

Look at the state of you! You've made a real mess of yourself!

Hm, guess so.

You idiot! You're filthy! Hurry up and use your powers to get yourself back to normal!

Eh? I don't have that kinda power. I'm just good for smashing stuff.

Anyway, we can just clean me up later. Don't worry about it.

Don't touch me! Wait...you don't expect ME to clean you, do you?!

Well, who else is gonna get those hard-to-reach places? Urgh, there's nothing worse than an itchy back.

You really are the worst...