The Apothecary Wanderings 5

...

Sensei. As an educator, you have to answer your students' questions, right?

Good.

Now is the time to fulfill the "promise" you made to me, Sensei.

Indeed.

First, I'd like you to share your honest thoughts, just as they are...without any ambiguity or reservations.

In your eyes, what kind of student am I?

Hm, ahem. I suppose so, but that was a very quick answer...

Why did I suddenly "ask that out of the blue"?

Just as I don't care about others, I don't care how others view me.

At least until recently...that was true. That's how I've lived my life.

But now...

...

Uncertainty has always bothered me.

Things that are imperfect, things that are chipped away...and, furthermore, things that degrade over time are no different.

As established structures become increasingly distorted, uncertainty is bound to grow.

That is why I believe that humans must move toward what lies beyond...hoping for transcendence.

That's right, the potion. Almost nothing else has caught my interest.

A sage is one who has transcended limits and is worthy of standing above them.

Have you ever thought about that, Sensei?

If humans living on this planet are capable of overcoming such limits, just how far could we go?

That question was also the fundamental reason why I entered this line of work.

Up until now, I at least maintained a sense of pride in researching the nature of humanity.

I thought I had a pretty good understanding...at least when it came to other people.

...But at some point... I found I was unable to understand even myself.

Right. To be precise...

From that moment.

I'd like to ask you right now. What did you mean by that?

Sensei... What did you mean when you said that to me?

...?

That will "never change"...?

What...do you mean?

Hmm? If a student rejects every attempt, does that mean the teacher is powerless?

...How interesting.

Even if a student refuses intervention to the very end, shouldn't a proper teacher never give up on them?

Isn't that the dream of a so-called "educator"?

"But even so, if you end up refusing me..."

"There's...nothing I can do."

...I see.

Like a broken body that doesn't respond to any medicine or chemical reaction you try to trigger...

"The chance for me to help you, I mean."

...

Have you heard the phrase "Sigh of Bitter Regret," Sensei?

It means to continuously regret something, even though it's too late to do anything about it. It's...a trap, in a way.

It's a naive sentiment, and just as hollow as saying that humans are inherently good.

You need more than a half-hearted attitude to climb past even the foot of a mountain.

...Until now, I had always thought that way. But...

...It seems that what happened back then was the root of the problem.

At the time, I thought it was no big deal, but...

If we're talking materially, I suppose a microscopic crack, one too small to see, must have formed somewhere inside me.

Well, in most cases, people aren't any different from objects. At least, that's how I treat them.

The beginning of life is nothing more than a chemical reaction, and human existence is merely the shadow of memory.

There is no such thing as a soul, and the mind is nothing more than a spark of nerve cells.

Pharmacy, too, is solely a process that alters or regulates that flow.

...To me, whether it's other people or myself, we're all nothing more than objects.

...

The sorrow of another is a difficult concept to grasp. While I can understand it intellectually, it doesn't resonate with me emotionally.

The same goes for the suffering of others. People may say they're shedding tears for someone else, but in the end, they're really just crying for themselves.

There is undeniably a distance between people that is fundamentally unable to be overcome.

And I thought that...I sensed that distance more keenly than anyone else.

...Who knows?

If I were able to answer, maybe I could have lived a slightly more "normal" life.

But based on my analysis, I suppose... I was probably just born this way.

No, I must have been made this way.

Well, it's a biological analogy. After all, isn't all life the creation of cells?

There are people in this world who start out like that, Sensei.

They are by no means the majority, but they are the ones who, in particular, fail to understand others.

The way others think, their emotions, their motivations... Some people can't intuitively sense these things and must analyze them, one by one, to understand them.

Even within this category of people, I think I was more prone to it.

There's no reason for it. There's no cause either. I was just...that type of person from the start.

For various reasons, I've also grown up in a way that has strengthened that tendency.

I still don't quite understand the idea that helping others will somehow come full circle and return to you.

I know that something like that could happen, but I don't particularly embrace the idea. There are so many variables.

Above all, even if it were true... It would take a long time. It's an inefficient process.

Yes. I think you've caught on.

It's fast, direct, and I achieve the results I want right away. Still...

...I don't know, and that bothers me. It's been ages since I've felt a sense of "not knowing."

I feel like I'm missing something, but I can't figure out what it is.

Properly answering this question will ultimately become the "promise" that you and I must keep, Sensei.

Studying?