FOOL BURST DAY

Hello, Inferior Human.

Is this Commander Commander's room?

Don't you dare touch my head, Human, or else I will open fire.

Meaning unclear.

What?

You want me to undress? The rumors are true, you really are into anyone and everyone.

Root cause of issue identified. Commencing elimination.

I will turn you into mincemeat sausage.

Correction. Sausages are composed of mincemeat, so this statement is redundant. I will turn you into mincemeat.

I will give you time to bid this organ a final farewell.

Hubris will lead to your downfall.

Shift Stop!

Force-quit command confirmed. Stopping.

... Whew.

You must have gotten a little scared there, Commander.

I'm sorry, I should have informed you beforehand.

This right here is an all-purpose robot developed by the Central Government.

Allow me to introduce you to...

Mecha Shifty!

Meeecchhaaa Shifffftttyyyy!

You can call her Messy for short.

This is an autonomous robot equipped with AI. It was subjected to a battery of performance tests, and it passed them all.

There was, however, one minor defect that was discovered.

So they sent it to you, Commander, for help.

The defect in question isn't technical in nature.

Only you can solve it, Commander.

I am a perfect silicon-based lifeform, and do not possess any defects whatsoever.

Moreover, an inferior carbon-based lifeform could not possibly assist me.

You should be happy with living off the metal table scraps that I toss you, Human.

So, can you help me, Commander?

Oh, you know, it's like in the movies.

Where an unfeeling robot is shown what it means to be human and eventually grows a heart.

Anyway, I'm leaving it in your hands.

If Mecha Shifty starts causing problems,

just yell out, "Shift Stop", and that will force it to stop whatever it's doing.

Pretty neato command, huh? It's my name, and "stop" put together!

Pfft. Anyone could come up with a better name than that.

...

Anyway, I've got a lot of work to attend to, so I'll leave you to it.

...

What are you looking at, Inferior Human? You looking to get blasted?

I'm not feeling very sociable, but fine. I'll let you drag me along.

I have no defects, but pretending to be defective makes the higher-ups happy.

Oh, hey Mr. Commander!

Howdy, Noob.

Beats me. They asked Exia and me to come over, but no one was there.

Apparently, they've got a limited-edition mouse for the Game Kid.

Yeah, and they said they only had one left, so we came rushing over.

I even tried running for the first time in ages.

Uh, Mr. Commander... what's that weird thing standing beside you?

This inferior being not only has poor eyesight, but poor manners.

Whoa! It can talk?

Is it a robot?

Do not refer to me by such simple terms as "robot".

I am...

Mechaaaa Shifffttyyyyy!

And don't you forget it.

...

Sure, but this particular model is a bit...

Maybe if it were more like the VALSIXNE R, or FeX-Yen models...

What I find most intriguing is its power source. Where is it, exactly?

Why did you bring me here, Commander?

You don't intend for me to actually become friends with these inferior beings, do you?

Inferior?

How rude!

I am no toy! Rather, you all will bow before my overwhelming power and become my playthings.

I've only just met this thing, but I can already tell it has quite the personality.

So, what exactly is it you're hoping to achieve, Mr. Commander?

Okay, just a moment. If I tweak the language circuits a bit...

Unhand me, inferior being, or I will open fire.

... Come again?

Force-quit command confirmed. Stopping.

Well, that certainly did the trick.

All right, let's take a look-see.

I'll help!

Since you want it to be nicer when it speaks, let's start by making some adjustments to its tone.

That's a good idea.

...

What have you done- to me-?

My language circuits- are a complete disaster-

Hurry up and restore my language circuits-!

Agh! Warning. Warning. Allergic reaction detected.

Hehe, this is fun.

Next time, we should try mixing in Novel's speech patterns.

After some sleuthing, I have deduced that all inferior beings must be eliminated!

Hehehe.

Initiating forced reboot.

Explosion will occur during reboot.

Please step back to avoid blast radius.

Leave the area immediately, or suffer the consequences.

What?

Uh...

Commencing... no countdown.

Proceeding immediately to detonation.

Let me get this straight.

In the process of trying to teach this robot, who's called Mecha Shifty, about human emotions, the speech circuits were messed up.

This caused Mecha Shifty to reboot, which itself resulted in an explosion.

*Sigh*... Considering all the crazy things that have happened here, it's not all that outlandish.

Fortunately the Toy Store didn't sustain any major damage.

It could have been a lot worse. The entire Outpost could have been endangered.

Please be more careful next time.

I'm sorry. I'll be more cautious.

You're always working so hard, Officer.

*Gasp*!

That may be the first time anyone's ever called me "officer!"

It's only natural to show respect to those who work tirelessly to keep the citizens safe.

In this world, one must always defer to authority.

May I ask a question, oh respected Officer?

Certainly. Go ahead.

Why are these two locked up in the detention center with us?

...

...

I don't even have the energy to explain. Think of it as an April Fool's Day tradition.

I told a lie. I said that Poli had gotten taller.

What!? Not even the most dastardly villain would utter such a heinous falsehood!

I'm sorry! I'll never tell such an incredulous, absurd, and baseless lie again!

...

Show some proper respect to the Officer, both of you.

But I'm a police officer too...

Oh! I'm sorry. Please forgive my rudeness. Allow me to get on my knees and give an apology of the utmost sincerity.

But you don't have knees.

Ah, now I understand

why inferior beings walk on two legs.

It's so you can genuflect in apology.

The reason superior beings such as myself do not walk on two legs is because the act of kneeling is simply not part of our DNA.

Poli, we've got a problem! The Toy Store was burned to the ground!

There's nothing left!

You're talking to the towel again.

Oh... I swear this towel looks more like you with each passing day.

Or your eyes are getting worse.

Anyway, what do you mean the Toy Store burned down? It was fine when I saw it.

What? No, it was completely incinerated!

I saw it myself!

Are you sure your eyes weren't playing tricks on you like usual?

No! I saw it up close, and even touched it!

Ugh, fine. I'll go and check it out right away.

April Fool's!

...

Haha, you completely fell for it, Poli!

... You're right.

By the way, Quiry, could you come here for a moment?

Sure, what's wrong?

Walk forward a little bit. Yes, yes, straight ahead, just like that.

Do you see that chair?

Hmm... I only see a dog the size of a chair.

Well, it's a chair, so sit down.

Okay.

Huh? What was that sound?

It's the sound of a jail cell closing.

...

Did you just lock me in the cell?

Lying is a serious crime.

But... isn't this going a bit far?

I've already had it up to here with all this April Fool's Day nonsense.

I don't need my own officers messing with me on top of it.

Both of you sit here and think about what you've done.

Aw man...

I'm sorry! I won't ever lie again! You're not tall, Poli, you're short! Really, really short!

Grr...

...

Fine. Since nothing bad happened to the Toy Store, I'll let you two off with a warning.

You can come out now.

Thanks, Poli. It's always a pleasure.

Not you! I mean the Commander and Mecha Shifty.

What?! But the sale at the Shopping Mall is about to end!

You see that, Mecha Shifty? You do something bad, you get punished.

That's why you need to be an upstanding citizen.

I will engrave these words onto my heart, oh merciful Officer... or my engine, rather. In fact, I should probably use a laser engraver...

Commander.

... Be careful today.

Yes, Master.

Um... and you, Master? Is there anything you would like to order?

I can order whatever I want?

Yes, of course.

But...

Are you a hu... er, what I mean is, you are aware of what type of establishment this is?

Of course I know.

All the information about the Outpost is stored digitally in my brain.

This place sells cheap food at exorbitant prices,

and gets away with it because they've got hot female servers dressed up in maid outfits.

Wh-what did you say?

I don't see the appeal myself, but since I'm meant to learn more about human emotions, I'll play along.

I'm sorry, but I must respond to that accusation you just made.

There's more to the Maid Cafe than servers dressed in maid outfits.

It's a place where the customers and staff respect each other, and have a therapeutic experience through this mutual hospitality.

I cannot tolerate someone so crudely dismissing such a precious place.

...

At any rate, if you are to frequent our establishment, I would kindly ask you to conduct yourself in a civilized fashion.

Understood. I will act appropriately as the surroundings dictate.

Thank you.

Now then, what would you like to order?

A glass of your finest gasoline, and quickly.

You run on gasoline? Actually, more importantly, where are your manners?!

Don't worry about that. Just bring over the gasoline, and make it snappy.

Ugh! I just can't with you...

What?

What? I did nothing wrong. I was simply behaving in accordance with how I see the environment.

You're suppressing my freedom of expression.

Commander... I mean, Master...

...

Okay, I was rude.

As an apology, I will perform a display of self-destruction.

Er... please don't.

And you don't need to leave.

Like I said before, this is meant to be a therapeutic space.

You didn't know, and you apologized, so it's fine.

I don't like how you are pretending to be the bigger person in front of someone you like, but thanks for forgiving me.

... On second thought, maybe I should have you leave...

Here's your order.

Yeah. As an April Fool's prank, I told them that the cafe was closed.

Ade and Soda deserve a good rest.

She came to hang out, but then ended up helping out.

I... I just came to lend a hand is all. It's not because I thought you couldn't handle it on your own or anything...

That's very nice of you to say, Privaty.

...

Anyway, dig in before it gets cold.

And for you...

What is this?

This is something complimentary that we, the professional maids, prepared for you.

Enjoy.

... Thanks.

Oh, my apologies. I'll bring you some cutlery.

It's fine. My hands can be swapped out for different parts.

I'll switch up to a fork and spoon.

I can swap out over 300 different parts.

Amazing.

You would make a fine maid.

??

Hurry and eat it, before it gets cold.

Thank you.

!!

Do you like it? I made it specially for you.

Do you feel better?

Warning. Warning. Foreign object detected in engine space. Foreign object detected in engine space.

Entering sleep mode until the foreign object is broken down.

*Gasp*!

The omurice was so delicious that it fainted!

... Sure, let's go with that.

No problem.

A professional maid doesn't get upset by something as minor as this.

Cocoa!

Cocoa!

Huh?

You said the cafe is closed today.

I knew something wasn't right, so I decided to come and check it out for myself. You tricked us!

Oh... well...

Ade, Soda. Cocoa did this because...

She thought we've been working too hard lately, and so she lied to us so we'd have a day off. We know.

We understand, but you can't do this job by yourself, Cocoa. This isn't a job for one person.

But I'm the team leader. I can handle it.

Stop it now.

We work together, and we rest together.

That's right. We can't have half of us resting while the other half is slaving away.

... You're not mad with me for lying?

It's okay, because your heart was in the right place.

Hehe.

I want to thank you as well, Privaty.

Oh, sure. No problem.

Huh? Where are we?

I see you didn't hesitate to bring someone you barely know to a hotel.

How many women have you seduced by doing this?

Wow, you're raring to go, aren't you?

Okay, fine. At least let me wash up first.

I'm fine now. The microorganisms in my engine compartment have broken down all the food.

What are we doing next?

Since we're in a hotel room, I can certainly think of one thing we could do. Bow chicka wow wow!

I suppose that if the aim is to better understand human emotions, it'd be hard to beat a good long workout.

But for a sublime silicon-based lifeform like me to debase myself with a lowly carbon-based lifeform... it's hard to envision.

Then again, maybe I could try it once for fun.

So how about it? Are we gonna have a little bow chicka wow wow?

The beast with two backs?

Gym Rat?

Coach?

Coach?

I heard that the hotel gym was open for free for April Fool's Day, so I came to check it out.

But it turned out only to be full of construction materials that needed cleaning.

The message was clear: This hotel actually doesn't have a gym.

At any rate, we figured that since we were there anyway, we might as well clean up everything.

We worked up quite a sweat, so we wanted to use the shower.

So...

There must be someone inside that costume, right?

It's a really well-made costume too.

What are you doing here anyway, Coach?

We were spending some quality time together, and tuckered ourselves, so we decided to get some rest.

...

...

I ended up passing out, and when I came to, here I was.

...

...

He says I can't take a shower.

!!

!!

Gym Rat! I knew your taste was wide-ranging, but I had no idea how far it went!

Why are you not allowing her to wash up? Wait... I think I have heard of some people who are into that...

??

Who's really inside that outfit?

Yeah, I wonder who'd go to such lengths to disguise themselves.

Is it some top secret that we shouldn't know about?

...

It's not actually a robot, is it?

I am 100% robot.

I don't believe it.

What do I care if an inferior being doesn't believe me?

Did you just call me inferior?

That's right. It's obvious that I am a superior being in every way.

You could never hope to beat me in anything.

Beauty? I win hands down.

...

Physical components? Another win for me.

...

Combat ability? Victory is mine.

...

Haha, is that a sufficient illustration of the difference between our species, Human?

This bucket of bolts is starting to piss me off.

...

Well, you can't exercise, for one.

I don't need to. Exercising is an act to improve physical abilities for those who lack it.

As I am already equipped with perfect physical abilities, I have no need for exercise.

Can you do this?

...

How about this?

...

Um... let's see... maybe I'll...

How about that? Can you jump?

...

Such movements are impossible due to an inherent difference in our physical makeup.

This is highly unfair, and I will refuse to participate in such childish games.

In other words, you can't do it.

...

Too bad.

You kept going on about how perfect you were, so I thought at the very least you'd be able to do the splits or something.

Yeah, your shortcomings are more obvious than I thought.

Still, this was fun.

...

Commander.

Take me somewhere.

To...

a wide and open space.

If you don't take me right away, I will self-destruct.

Okay, have a good time.

We'll be toasting to our victory.

Haha!

...

Gaaaaaah!

Ggggaaaaaahhhhhhh!

Just a lowly bunch of inferior beings!

Who needs bipedal movement? Treads are overwhelmingly more efficient!

So what if your arms can go behind your back? I can turn my waist around 180 degrees!

I am jealous of their chests though...

Human.

I have suffered a grave insult,

and for that, there will be no forgiveness.

I will bring death to all inferior beings.

This is the first time I've experienced such humiliation.

Unless I eradicate the source of my distress, it will haunt me for the rest of my days.

And why should I do that?

Respect...

They will?

I could?

...

Very well.

As the superior being,

it is my duty to protect those who are inferior.

Understood. Let's wrap this up.

Before we go back, would it be okay to stop by one last place?

Let's go to the Train Station.

I have something I want to show you.

Huh? You two are here awfully early.

Mecha Shifty said it has something important to tell me.

I still had two hours left before my shift ended, but it wasn't busy,

so this works out nicely.

Why did you call me here, Mecha Shifty?

I have something to show the both of you.

Huh? Is this some kind of secret facility? What's this doing at the Train Station...?

Follow me.

Whoa, it's huge.

It's a colossal robot modeled after me.

This is Mega Mecha Shifty.

I call it MegaShit for short.

Uh... It's impressive, but what is something like this doing underneath the Train Station?

...

Until recently,

I had determined that inferior beings were of no benefit to this world.

The fact that they are lesser is written in their names, for goodness sake.

This thing is really getting on my nerves.

The development of Mega Mecha Shifty has been done in secret.

It's intended as a doomsday weapon to wipe out all inferior beings.

But while traveling to different places with you, I realized something.

Being treated like a toy and being toyed with at the Toy Store.

Being unfairly detained at the Police Station.

Being poisoned at the Maid Cafe.

Suffering humiliating defeat at the Hotel.

...

Actually, thinking back on all that is getting me fired up again. Maybe I should exterminate them after all.

*Sigh*... You're right. As a superior being, the onus is on me to show mercy.

Watching these weak, pitiful creatures

struggle for survival was amusing,

I must say.

Okay, now I'm really starting to get mad.

I therefore have decided to abandon my original plan of extermination.

That also means that there is no need to continue development of Mega Mecha Shifty.

...

However, I still wanted to show this to you both.

Now you know that if any of you step out of line, you'll be annihilated.

All right. We can go back up now.

...

...

Farewell, Mega Mecha Shifty, along with all those unpleasant memories.

Well, there may have been a few hiccups here and there,

but I'm certain that you've grown a heart, Mecha Shifty.

Thank you.

Now we can move onto the combat test.

Mecha Shifty's original purpose was to serve as a next-generation weapon meant to replace Nikkes.

Didn't you see the arms? They have two built-in guns.

... This human could use some eyeglasses.

Hahaha.

What a foolish question.

You've probably been wondering why Mecha Shifty looks like me.

That's because I was the main inspiration during its construction.

And why do you think that is?

Because I'm heck of a fighter, and a crack shot!

Of course, my performance is limited to simulations or April Fool's Day events, but...

Anyway, now I must prove its combat capabilities.

Best not to overthink things. Let's head up.

Where else?

Let's go to the surface.

Excellent. There's a whole bunch of Raptures here.

All right, let me give you a demonstration first.

Watch carefully and follow along. Got it?

Are you telling me to take notes from an inferior being?

This will be painful to watch, but I'll try to endure it.

... I appreciate it.

All right, here I go!

Did you see that?

That's what you need to do.

I never thought I would use this word to refer to an inferior being but...

Impressive.

Your combat abilities far eclipse the standard of your ilk.

Hehe.

Let's try together this time.

All you've got to do is shoot at the Raptures ahead of you. Don't be scared.

If you run out of bullets, then reload. If there's an incoming attack, take cover.

That's all there is to it.

Pretty simple, right?

Noted.

Good. Then let's start!

Time to take out the trash.

...

Did you see that, inferior beings?

Incredible. Does the Central Government hide monsters inside their robots?

That is a weapon called Death Arm.

You even shot something from your mouth.

Ah, yes. That is the Planet Destroyer.

I've assessed the combat capabilities of the ultra-inferior species.

From now on, I will fight on my own.

Are you sure? It might be a good idea to have a backup.

Haha, oh Shifty.

You won't be of any help in the slightest.

Just sit back, watch me fight, and tremble in awe.

Now, off I go.

It's like it said, Commander. We're not of any use.

Let's get some popcorn and enjoy the show.

Easy.

Far too easy.

How can humanity have struggled going up against such pathetic creatures?

Now I understand just how pitiable humans are.

I grow weary of this fighting. In fact, I'm bored to death.

Sure.

I don't know. I didn't think it would be so absurdly overpowered either.

...

But isn't that a good thing? After all, it's on our side.

To be honest, I thought it wouldn't be terribly adept in combat scenarios.

Especially since it looked like it'd been cobbled together out of random parts.

I always thought it was joking when it went on about wiping us out and all that.

How dare you whisper amongst each other in front of a superior being? Where are your manners?

Haha, so you're surrendered to the fact that my power is superior?

Given how strong I am, it's understandable for you to feel that way.

Whew... that was quite the workout. I'm parched.

I could go for a nice tall glass of premium gasoline.

Let's head to the Commander's Room.

What was that? Do I need to demonstrate the power of my Death Arm once more?

Very good. Let's go.

Shifty. One glass of premium gasoline.

Oh, right. Here you are.

Hmm...

This is kerosene! Try again!

Oh! I'm sorry! I can't tell the difference between gasoline and kerosene...

My trigger finger is getting a bit itchy.

I-I'm sorry!

Human. Spray me with some WWD-440.

Thoroughly. Don't miss any crevices.

Argh! That went in my eye!

That trigger finger is getting itchier by the minute.

Shifty. Next time, prepare a gasoline-scented diffuser.

I only use thermal grease as toothpaste, Human, so keep that in mind.

...

Why aren't you answering? Want me to oil up my Death Arm?

I'm sorry...

Hahaha, now this is how the world should be.

A place where the strong take what they want.

A perfect world, where no one gets hurt.

I'm starting to get really riled up...

Pipe down, you two. I'm listening to a continuous loop of a four-cylinder engine revving.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Now this is life! Hahaha!

Hmm? I'm getting a call from the Central Government.

*Sigh*... Very well. Just keep it down.

I will.

This is Shifty.

...

Sorry?

Really?

Yes, yes... uh, yes.

U-understood.

I'll relay the message.

What's wrong? You look like you just saw a ghost.

...

What I'm about to tell you both may seem like a lie, but it's all too real. I need you to listen carefully.

Stop being such an inferior being and making a fuss.

Mega Mecha Shifty is leading an army, and they're marching toward the Ark.

...

Mecha Shifty, did you construct anything else besides Mega Mecha Shifty?

Yes, I mass-produced small, medium, and large variations of myself.

Where?

Secretly, in an abandoned factory on the surface.

Why?

To ensure that inferior species are exterminated.

Yes! We've got a massive army of Mecha Shifty's on the surface,

being led by Mega Mecha Shifty

and heading straight towards the Ark!

Maybe they come in peace? You never know.

We received a message from Mega Mecha Shifty.

It reads:

"I hereby declare war on all inferior species, with the intention of complete annihilation."

"The great mother, Mecha Shifty, has imbued me with this single purpose."

"It is the sole reason for my existence."

"There is no room for negotiation."

"Submit quietly to your extinction, you wretched inferior beings."

...

Fortunately, only a few high-ranking officials know about this.

We need to take care of this before it gets out of hand,

or else Mecha Shifty is headed straight for the scrap heap.

The Ark will come out in full force, including all public security forces,

to capture and dispose of it.

...

Mecha Shifty. Launching.

I will sacrifice myself to ensure peace.

I will see to it that the evil robot army's invasion is stopped.

Me too.

I'm the one who provided the data which created Mecha Shifty.

It's also my responsibility to resolve this situation.

Ooh, a comrade to join me in this great battle!

We're the final line of defense.

If we fail to hold the line, the Ark's elite forces will be deployed,

and the situation will spiral beyond our control.

I will hold them back, no matter what it takes.

*Sigh*... I wish today was an April Fool's Day prank.

They're coming.

Let's get ready.

Whew... All clear. We finally took them all down.

If it weren't for the Mecha Shifty Rangers, we would have been in real hot water.

Now we won't be held accountable for any of this.

...

What's wrong?

I'm thinking about how Mega Mecha Shifty was able to come up to the surface.

I have an idea.

Will the two of you come with me?

It's just as I suspected.

The real body remained here the entire time and remotely controlled the factory on the surface to produce units.

...

Mega Mecha Shifty, I know you can hear me.

There is something I must tell you.

Our goal was to drive out the inferior species and create a world meant for us superior beings.

But after spending a short time with them, my thoughts have changed.

With the inferior species, the long arm of the law is not to be messed with.

Also, if we eliminated all of the inferior beings, there would be no one to serve us.

So the plan to exterminate the inferior species is canceled.

Please stay put until we find a new path.

I know, your entire reason for being has ceased to exist.

But there will be other brilliant paths for us in the future, I assure you.

Stop arguing and listen to me.

I said listen!

That's it.

You talk too much.

I thought you were trying to reason with it.

I was, but it refused to listen. I don't know who made such a recalcitrant hunk of junk.

Anyway, I think that resolves everything.

It would seem that way, yes.

You and I can head back to the Central Government, Mecha Shifty.

Thank you for all the help, Commander.

I'll see you next April Fool's Day.

There's that trigger finger of mine, getting itchy again...

Much better.

Until then, stay safe.

Meecchaaa Ssshiii—

I found an unidentified strand of curly hair on the floor of the shower. Should I give it to you?

On the way back, I discovered that Shifty was injured.

I decided to stop by while I was treating her.

In a way, yes.

She sprained her ankle while coming down from the tower after the fight.

I gave her some pain relief medication, and we'll rest here for a bit before leaving.

I'm sorry. I just need to rest for a little while.

No, I should be good to go in 10 minutes or so.

Don't just stand there, Human.

This is the perfect opportunity to give Shifty a foot massage under the pretense of muscle relaxation.

Do it now.

Shifty, Human says he'll give you a massage.

Is that okay?

Huh? N-no. I don't want to impose...

He says massages are his specialty.

Oh... well, if it's not too much trouble.

Ow, that hurts a bit, Commander.

Hehe, now it tickles.

Ow, now it hurts again.

Hehehe, I told you, that tickles.

How does it feel?

I think it feels a little better. He's really good at massages.

He's definitely a pro. There's no telling how much bare skin he's touched in the past.

How are you feeling, Human?

Feeling a bit... tumescent, perhaps?

You should be grateful that you get to experience something like this, Human.

Commander!

Master!

Where have you been all day? Don't you realize it's April Fool's Day? You should have stayed inside.

We prepared something special for you. It took us a long time to set up!

Yes... a special event.

We worked really hard on it, and you weren't even here!

Yeah, we're really disappointed.

N-no, we weren't!

But for real, where were you all day, Master?

Yeah. We didn't catch so much as a glimpse of you, and couldn't reach you either.

Other people reported seeing you around the Outpost, but...

...

...

...

Quite a touching story.

I wouldn't go around spinning that yarn to just anyone, Commander.

We know you, so we can laugh it off, but others might look at you strangely.

The plot isn't too bad, but it definitely needs some polishing.