FOOL METAL PANIC

Remember this, Human.

I...

Commander! Something terrible has happened!

Commander! Did you hear me? I said something terrible has happened!

This isn't one of those. It's really terrible.

A mysterious meteor has landed somewhere on the surface! I need you to come investigate it with me.

April Fools!

... is what you thought I'd say, right? But no, I'm actually being serious.

Because it's April Fools' Day.

I've already received the coordinates, so we can leave right away.

We've arrived.

Should we go ahead and clear out the Raptures in the vicinity?

Well, yeah. It's all just a simulation anyway.

It's been a while since I've done this. Time for a little workout!

Here goes!

Whew, this really helps you vent. I wish every day were April Fools' Day!

I'd hope so. I train every single day while waiting for April to come.

Now, it should be up ahead...

It looks like a person! Maybe it's some sort of meteor person...?

Hmm?

Maybe it's just my imagination, but something about it feels oddly familiar...

*Gasp!*

Gah! I-it just stood up!

Shouldn't we ask questions first?

...

!

*Bzzz, bzzz, bzzz!*

*Bzzzzzzz!*

...

...

*Chirp, chirp?*

*Click, click, click?*

... What is she doing? It feels rude.

*Gasp!*

Y-you speak the common tongue!

Astonishing. To think the civilization of the blue star has made such marked advances. What a pleasant miscalculation.

The common tongue...?

Oh, my apologies. Allow me to introduce myself.

I am a member of the Space Defense Force of Planet Shifty, located 120 light-years away from this planet, which we first thought was merely a star - hence "the blue star."

My name is Mekami Shifty.

You may call me Missy.

This planet, while bursting with life, is in crisis. I have come to save all of you wonderful insects that reside on it.

...

I don't even know where to begin being insulted by that.

That's everything.

?

So, to sum up...

she's an alien, right?

Really?!

...

Nothing I've said has been a lie.

...

You seem offended.

How can I prove what I told you is true?

Rapture. You mean your planet's mechanical insects?

Very well. There happens to be one over there now.

I'll show you the true performance of Mekami Shifty!

...

That... was amazing! A beam came right out of her hand...

Commander! You should know better than to make inappropriate remarks like that.

Anyway, the plot has certainly thickened now, so we should ask her a bit more.

... Mekami Shifty, was it? Are you really an alien?

...

Gaaaaah!

Warning. Batteries low. Please replace the batteries.

B-batteries?

Warning. Batteries low. Please replace the batteries.

What kind of battery does an alien even take?

What did he say?

... Honestly, I probably would've done the same.

So, what did they say?

Th-there, don't cry.

Warning. Batteries low. Please replace the batteries.

...

Yeah, that seems like our best option at the moment.

Hyup!

Let's go, Commander.

Warning. Batteries low. Please replace the batteries.

So... this is an alien?

If that's true, why is it asking for new batteries?

Beats me. Let's have a look...

Hmm...?

... This is a robot.

Yeah, although I've never seen one like this before. It's different from a Nikke.

Does that mean it wasn't made in the Ark?

Seems so.

That explains why the joints look strange.

What I thought were clothes are actually all either paint or water slide decals.

These days, most models come with sticker decals.

What are you two even talking about?!

So, uh...

This isn't an alien then?

It's too early to jump to conclusions. There is such a thing as silicon-based life-forms too, after all.

Oh, take a look here.

Hmm? Ah, so this is where the batteries go.

Let's see, I'm sure I left them around here somewhere...

I remember where they are.

Wow, Mighty Tools really does have everything! Even alien batteries!

Found them. Here you go, AAA batteries.

Good. Let's put them in.

Warning. Batteries low. Please replace the batteries.

Warning. Batteries low. Please replace the...

!

Mi...ssy...!

Looks like she's waking up.

It's always good to have a supply of AAA batteries on hand.

You saved my life. I am most grateful.

Here. This is a token of my appreciation.

Save it. We didn't do it expecting anything in return.

... What is this?

...? It is fruit, the universal currency of the blue star.

Do you not subsist mainly on fruit, and use it as your currency?

And when you save up enough peels, you can exchange them for new fruit, no?

We don't recycle fruit peels like plastic bottles, you goofball. How'd you ever get that idea?

Boss told us a little about you, but are you really an alien?

From my perspective, you are the aliens.

You still haven't told us what Planet Shifty is, though, or why you look kind of like me.

I look like... you...?

...!

Now that you mention it, you do look a lot like me!

And, you know, our names are both Shifty.

Wait... Are you... *the* Shifty...?

Yeah...?

I can't believe it...!

You must be my ancestor! Said to be the most savage of savages, the most inferior of life-forms to ever grace this universe! It's an honor to meet you, Shifty!

If you keep that up, I'll show you what true savagery is.

Ah, my apologies. I am overjoyed and got carried away. Ahem.

I should first explain more about Planet Shifty.

It is a planet located 120 light-years away from here.

It is a beautiful place, the most technologically advanced in the entire galaxy.

Of course, in order to explain the origin of Planet Shifty, I must needs talk of Mecha Shifty.

Right after Mecha Shifty was created, it transmitted signals into space that carried great knowledge.

Those signals reached a then-unnamed planet, and the life-forms that received that knowledge rapidly evolved.

That is how Planet Shifty came into being.

My appearance is the embodiment of Mecha Shifty's ideal image.

In fact, everyone on Planet Shifty looks similar to me.

I am little better endowed than some, but there are slender types, normal types, and even flat-chested types, although those are quite rare.

But... Mecha Shifty was only built one year ago.

How could your planet be 120 light-years away? That doesn't make any sense.

That only means it would take light 120 years to travel that distance.

If you move a thousand times faster than light, it's just over forty days!

What fools do you take us for? A thousand times the speed of light? That's impossible!

Humanity isn't even close to reaching the speed of light yet. How do you get to be a thousand times that?

How? You simply multiply the speed of light times a thousand.

...

...Okay, whatever. You all have fun.

C'mon, Centi. Let's get back to work.

Okay!

The very first piece of knowledge transmitted by Mecha Shifty said,

the life-forms on this planet are fragile and inferior, like insects, and that you must be saved.

...

She also said fruit is the staple food and universal currency.

So that's why you were making all those weird sounds earlier.

Indeed. However, I see your civilization has developed brilliantly in such a short span of time.

Mecha Shifty, are you watching? The future you protected is very bright.

Okay, I think I've got a rough picture of everything now,

but what did you mean when you said you came to save us from a crisis?

Ah, I forgot to mention the most important part.

Your planet is facing imminent destruction.

I am here to prevent such a thing from occurring.

What?! How?

The giant amalgamated monster Neo Ultima Zaurus will rise again.

The giant amalgamated monster Neo Ultima Zaurus is immortal and will resurrect.

To put a stop to this, the fragments of the giant amalgamated monster Neo Ultima Zaurus must all be destroyed.

As soon as the fragments are all gathered into one place, the giant amalgamated monster Neo Ultima Zaurus—

Are you going to keep saying the full name every single time?

...

Very well. I suppose I could call it "Neo," like the character from the Ma—

Just call it the giant monster.

The giant monster is immortal, and it is sure to resurrect one day.

When it was defeated, fragments containing its power were scattered across the planet.

If those fragments are found and destroyed, then the giant monster's resurrection can be prevented.

And if we fail to find them?

The fragments naturally attract each other, so they will eventually gather into one.

A mere... five hundred years.

Yeah.

You mustn't flee from impending disaster for the sake of your own leisure!

Yes. Luckily, I can sense one of the fragment's energy nearby.

Please follow me.

Uh-oh... Ooof. Agh...! Oh no...!

Darn it! My stomach really hurts...!

Sorry, but you go on ahead without me. I'll catch up... eventually...!

Oh, certainly. Take your time.

Your kind are troublesome, but it cannot be helped. As a superior species, I must be understanding.

...

It's your fault for being an amateur.

The fragment of the giant monster is somewhere around here.

I can feel it with my Missy Sensor.

Huh? Trainer!

Hey, it's Scoops.

*Woof, woof!*

Oh, Flora asked me to plant some flower seeds.

I figured I'd let the dogs get some fresh air while we're at it, hehe.

*Yawn* I'm bored.

All you've been doing is sunbathing this whole time.

I would've helped if you were doing something fun.

Anyway, what brings you here, Scoops?

*Woof, woof!*

... Huh?

If you're going to prank us for April Fools' Day, at least put a little thought into it.

Hmm... I haven't seen anything like that.

I may have seen something.

Oh? Where? Please tell me.

... Who are you?

I am Mekami Shifty. I have come from Planet Shifty to save this, the blue star.

Wow, that's a neat story.

Yeah... Uh, good luck with that.

Where did you see this fragment?

I don't remember specifically, but it's somewhere around here.

...

...

...

What? Why are you staring at us like that?

Something you wanna say? If you want a fight, I won't hold back.

You're all... insects, right?

What?

Insects...?

There was no information about anything like you in what I learned on Planet Shifty.

Specimens with animal ears...

...

... Convergent evolution!

Different species dwelling in similar environments, resulting in similar appearances!

All of my knowledge about your kind has been upended.

I thought you were so inferior that you would never develop any further, let alone evolve.

And yet, here I am faced with convergent evolution... Magnificent.

The blue star truly is a place where life thrives!

...!

*Woof, woof, woof!*

...?

Gah! Max!

I'm so sorry about that! Right now, it's mating season and all...

Anyway, I'm terribly sorry.

Do not worry. I am aware of such things.

Allow me to resolve the issue for you.

Huh?

The neutering procedure is complete.

...!

I'm just kidding. I only fired a calming beam.

Hmm... I can definitely feel the fragment's energy here.

I'm certain it is under the flower bed.

However, I do not want to ruin the flowers, as they must be precious to you.

I will show you some of the scientific advancements of Planet Shifty.

Anti-gravity technology. I applied it to everything here except the flowers and you.

Generating anti-gravity is rudimentary technology. However, applying it only to specific targets...

is likely something far beyond your comprehension, hehe.

Oh, not that I'm bragging.

I simply wanted to highlight the discrepancy between Planet Shifty and your planet.

That's basically the definition of bragging.

That is one fragment recovered.

There aren't many left. Shall we go search for the next one?

Indeed.

Do you like flowers?

I suppose you could say that.

On Planet Shifty, there is nothing but cold rocks and steel.

I was aware of the existence of flowers, but this is my first time seeing them in person.

They're fascinating... and beautiful.

...

Hey.

Scoops, come here for a sec.

This is a seed pouch.

I was saving them in case something like this happened. It wasn't because I was too lazy to plant them, you hear?

I'll leave it up to you how to use them.

What is this?

There is no soil on Planet Shifty, so we are unable to grow flowers.

...

Hmph. Quite the ignorant comment from an inferior species.

Here, give that to me.

This is a personal item storage slot. If you place it in here, it will not dry out.

...

Just you watch. I will make these flowers bloom.

Hehe. Okay.

Sure.

...

I feel a dreadful energy. There is most definitely a fragment around here.

Are you okay? I do understand why you might feel unwell. This aura is quite disturbing.

We'll find the fragment and be done here soon enough. Hang in there.

To be honest, I can barely stand it here myself, so we must finish quickly.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Commander? Are you all right?

Oh my, you're positively drenched in sweat.

Just a moment. I'll sing you a song to heal you.

♪ ♪ ♪

I'll handle this.

Time for my Silence Beam.

What just happened...?

Wait, I've heard of this. Among your kind, a very small number of specimens have extraordinary abilities awaken within them.

They're called... Espers.

Her ability is purely physical...? But that means she's...

Physically gifted...!

That's the only way to explain this sheer power...

However, I will not be defeated! I am from the Space Defense Force of Planet Shifty! I am...

Mekami Shiftyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...

yyyyyyyyaaaaggghhhh...!

...?

I was just practicing ultrasonic medleys.

Brid and Soline were unable to sleep, so I sang them a lullaby, but their insomnia only got worse.

Then I started practicing ultrasonic medleys in order to be as unobtrusive as possible.

And wouldn't you know it? It's really paid off! At the moment, Brid and Soline are dead asleep.

Cured? What do you mean? Were you not feeling well?

Hehe. Really? Well, that's good to hear. Ultrasonic singing really is amazing, isn't it?

But what brings you here, anyway? And who is this?

I am Mekami Shifty. I will kill you.

Hehe! Oh, she's funny.

Would you like to come in and have some strawberry tea? If you listen to my ultrasonic medley, your mind will feel at ease.

Suspicious objects?

No, I can't say I have.

Excuse me for a moment.

Found it.

Let's hurry to the next location.

If you're done with your business, why not relax with some tea? Paired with an ultrasonic medley, I'm sure it will put your minds at ease.

Aahhh!

Don't come near meee!

...?

Oh... I see. I feel bad now.

Well, perhaps we can meet again once we get to know each other better?

S-sure...

Let's get out of here. Quick.

Subordinate...?

Hm? What brings you here, Captain?

Oh look, they're playing in the water.

Returning to the place where life began?

... Who's this?

She seems a little... different.

Oh, well...

Heheh! We put up a fake poster as a prank for April Fools' Day.

"Special swimming lessons with the Aegis Squad!"

But then way more people showed up than we expected.

We tried to tell them we were only kidding...

Hello, Commander-kun.

Don't just stand there, Mister. Hurry and join us.

Did you bring your swim trunks, Commander?

... But everyone was so excited,

we decided to actually give them lessons for real.

Anchor is...

Excuse me! One sparkling lemon soda, please.

Okay.

I'll take a peppermint shower, if you don't mind.

Okay.

Anchor, our stock's running low over here.

Oh, you're right.

I should reach out to Rupee and ask her to bring more.

Business is really booming!

She said she wasn't good at teaching swimming, and that she'd rather be a maid.

Yan heard her and immediately set up a sales stall.

Once word got out, more and more people gathered until it turned into essentially a boat bar.

As you can see, it's pretty popular.

... Yes.

Haha! Why not, right? Since things turned out this way, we might as well have fun.

You're right. Spontaneous events like this can be enjoyable.

If you have time, Subordinate, you should stay for a while.

And your friend there...

I am Mekami Shifty.

... Mekami Shifty, you're more than welcome to join as well.

The more the merrier.

...

I have heard your kind can be carriers of all sorts of filth.

Wouldn't it be dangerous for us to share the same body of water? I am an advanced machine, so I am vulnerable to such impurities.

... That's not going to be an issue. Don't worry.

Is that so? I appreciate you saying that, but I have water slide decals on my body, which may come off if they get wet.

Really? You should've sprayed finishing sealant.

You're telling me.

And, most importantly...

my stomach is currently full of this one's seed. It's really better if I don't go into the water.

...

...

...

...

... What?!

Huh?

What did you say?

...

Right now, my body is full of his seed.

He really did put in quite a lot.

He was very savage about how he did it, too.

...

...

...

...

Hmm? When I moved just now, my stomach seemed to wobble.

Is new life about to bloom inside me?

What were you thinking, Rookie? You have to be more careful.

Here, these are a bit old and aren't sold in the Ark anymore, but I'll sell them to you for cheap.

With them, you can rest assured that...

What, you mean to say the ones you gave me were fake... uh, I mean...

Huh?

What?

...

Nin-nin.

Shh. Be quiet.

You'll disrupt my training. I'm mastering the ninja art of hiding under the bed.

Those footsteps...

They belong to Helm, Sakura, Rosanna, and Mary. They're all wearing swimsuits.

The ninja art of sonar.

Now, how may I help you?

Understood.

The Commander is not under the bed in this room!

... Are you awake?

12 seconds.

Ah, I see.

It's okay. While you were gone, I collected all but one fragment.

Just one more and we're done.

Hehe. Come now, that never happens.

Unfortunately, the last fragment is rather problematic.

It is on the surface, and I do not know how to get there.

Do you happen to know how to reach the surface?

Oh, you don't have to take me there yourself.

I'd rather do it alone than accept help from such an inferior being.

!

My goodness!

I never expected someone so primitive and inferior to say something so wonderful!

You don't even have a proper understanding of the universe...! I'm very touched!

Very well then! We will go together! One inferior life-form and one superior life-form, coexisting in harmony... I'm excited already!

I'm sensing it up ahead.

The fragment of the giant amalgamation monster Neo Ultima Zaurus is here, no doubt about it.

Are you ready?

By the way, how does your kind fight? Rocks? A hidden stinger, perhaps?

Oh, you mean as a blunt instrument?

You mostly just hit each other, don't you?

Very well.

Mekami Shifty, moving out!

We finally found it. The last fragment.

Now I must go to my secret base to purify the giant amalgamated etc.'s fragments that I've collected so far.

Yes, hence why I called it a secret base. What a primitive statement from a primitive species, hehe.

Once the fragments are purified, true peace will come to the blue star as well.

...

I don't know if we'll meet again, but I will never forget your ignorance and savagery for the rest of my life.

Nor will I forget the seeds of life inside my stomach.

... Thank you.

Goodbye!

Welcome back. Inferior Master.

What would you like to order? Please choose something easy and convenient to make, Human.

There is no item on the menu called "o...mu...rice." Are you here to cause trouble?

I am Mecha Maid Shifty.

You may call me Memash for short.

I have never tasted death, Human.

While it is true that I was heavily damaged, I was able to repair myself thanks to the power of my super alloy ZZZ.

Afterward, I became sick of fighting and changed careers to become a maid. Now I spend my days stealing pocket change from inferior beings.

Am I your subordinate? Do I report to you? Should I dust off my Death Arm?

Honestly... Just let me live as a kindly maid. I've put my past behind me.

... What did you just say?

...

Tell me everything.

Mecha Maid. No slacking off.

I'm sorry, but this is related to my real job.

...! Your real job...?!

... Fine. I'll forget I saw any of this.

Please finish your food before speaking.

...

Come with me.

You deserve to see the end of this battle.

Let's go.

It's time to end this once and for all.

Mekami Shifty was my successor unit.

I created her. Her official name is Mecha Shifty Mark II.

She was supposed to become my loyal servant following the failed Mega Mecha Shifty.

However, the Central Government discovered the project while I was secretly developing it, and it was cancelled.

However, I built a hidden base and continued developing Mekami Shifty there.

Just before completion, I could no longer go to the base due to extenuating circumstances.

...

It started to feel more like work than a hobby. I got tired of it, and it was so far away.

Mekami Shifty must have grown to resent me.

It makes sense, considering I abandoned her there immediately after finishing her.

I even cut off the electricity, water, and internet. Didn't want to waste money.

All of this talk about the "blue star" and "Planet Shifty" was a lie.

Did you notice how sloppy her story was?

It's because I got lazy while coming up with her backstory, so I just slapped some things together and called it a day.

The giant amalgamation monster thing was utterly annihilated. Not a single fragment was left.

So what Mekami Shifty was probably searching for was...

fragments of Mega Mecha Shifty.

She's probably reassembled them by now,

and the secret base has likely become her fortress.

There's no telling what she's planning. We should head over there.

Behold, the Mecha Temple.

This is the secret base I created.

I designed that pyramid there with geometric aesthetics in mind, patterning it after a spear pointed toward the sky.

See that guardian statue in front? It's modeled after me, the ultimate superior species.

I didn't want this to be a mere secret base. I wanted it to radiate authority, even a divine presence.

Originally, my plan was to send signals from here and build a base on the moon,

but that fell apart after I entered into an agreement with the rabbits living on the moon.

Did you know that most of the moon's surface is made of cheese? It makes construction difficult.

Anyway, Mekami Shifty must be inside the Mecha Temple.

She has probably already become aware of my presence.

I will annihilate her, before her preparations are complete.

That won't happen.

Mekami Shifty.

Hello, Aunt Mecha Shifty.

"Mother" made me seem too old, and "father" didn't match my gender,

so I programmed her to view me as a cool aunt, one much younger than her mother.

I didn't expect you to be alive. The one next to you must have lied.

I knew I shouldn't have trusted your kind.

I'm surprised you even had the mental capacity to lie.

However, thanks to you, I was able to gather all the fragments of Mega Mecha Shifty.

I've already taken control of this secret base.

I restored the water, the electricity, and the internet. Do you know how hard it was calling everywhere to get them reconnected?

I almost had to pay a bunch of penalty fees for previous breaches of contract.

Sorry about that.

The secret base is filled with Mecha Shifty models identical to you.

Mega Mecha Shifty also knew the pain of being abandoned by you, so she gladly joined my side.

We've upgraded all of them.

What're you planning?

Isn't it obvious?

I'm going to start a company.

I'll use the Mecha Shifty models as workers, with Mega Mecha Shifty and me as upper management.

I'm opening a character merchandise business. We're going to make tons of merch featuring me.

Eventually, I'll take control of the Ark's entire merch industry.

... And of course, there won't be any place for you there.

Hmph...

We must stop her.

If Mekami Shifty merch is released to the market, my Mecha Shifty figures are doomed. We can't compete on looks.

They'll be thrown into the bargain bins at every shop,

or sold as part of a gacha, but instead of being the top prize, they'll be at the bottom!

Of course, Mekami Shifty will definitely be the one at the top!

I can't allow that! I won't! I'm heading in!

Mechaaaa Shiftyyyyy!

Obviously, I defeated her quite easily.

Since she also caused trouble for you, I brought her here to apologize.

I'm sorry for causing trouble...

I won't do it again...

That's because I subjected her to a series of "educational experiences" and "modifications" to ensure she'll listen to me.

I'm sorry...

That is not possible.

If someone commits a crime, it is only natural that they receive punishment.

Now. Lie down on your stomach.

Ugh... okay...

Th-this is so embarrassing...

That's the point.

Now, go ahead.

Spank her.

Why not? You like that sort of thing.

There's no need to be embarrassed, Human.

No judgment from me. Whatever floats your boat.

...

Very well, then. Perhaps you need a demonstration first.

...!

Now, have you thought about what you did?

Y-yes, I'm sorry!

That's right. Think of what you did.

Ah... ahh... aaah!

Hyah! Hyah! We need to make sure the lesson sticks!

I'm sorry, I'm sorryyyyy! ♡

... Whew.

That is how you do it.

Now, follow in the footsteps of the master of horror, S****** King, the master of exposure, Naked King, and lay claim to your throne as the newest king: the Spanking... King.

I'll leave you to it.

Goodbye. Adios. Sayonara. See you, space cowboy.

...

I'm... sorry... ♡

Commander! Why aren't you opening the shower room door?

We've been waiting in here forever trying to pull a prank on you!

I've been in here so long, my skin's getting...

... pruney.

So, uh... when are you going to punish me?

...

...

...

...

...

...

Uh... I think I've been in this position too long. I can feel the seed you put inside me spilling out.

...

...

...