I Think of Ears, Therefore I Have Ears

Ugh. Why'm I the one stuck gathering firewood for this campout?

Oh well, I guess it's no biggie. I had, like, time to kill, anyway!

Thank you, Suzuka. It really is a huge help.

Man, going on a campout together sounds great! Heck, I'm having a blast just watching all of you.

I know your family's reputation follows you around, Suzuka, and I know some Servants have been keeping their distance from you because of it.

So I'm hoping this'll give you an opportunity to get to know everyone better. We're all about teamwork at Chaldea, after all.

You're, like, one to talk, calling the shots from way up on high and stuff.

You don't even have to sleep outside tonight like the rest of us. Isn't that totes unfair? Or at least, like, super rude since we have to? Insensitive, much?

Hey now. Just because I've got a roof over my head doesn't mean I'm happy.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to be all alone in the office working overtime?

Oh. So, it's like that, huh?

I didn't know you were all alone up there, without a single colleague to keep you company... You're, like, Ootakemaru or something.

Don't worry, Suzuka. Dr. Roman is nowhere near alone.

Whenever all the other Chaldea staff are gone, and he thinks no one's looking, he'll open up a web browser...

...and share all his fears and anxieties with the digital idols he's saved on our servers, even commenting on them like a third party would.

I don't know how that unique skill of his works exactly, but I do know it helps him!

Omigod, seriously? So he's basically, like, writing self-insert fanfics?

Yikes, you're even more of a loner than I thought, Doc. I didn't know you were such a total dork.

Hahaha, just because someone's a loner doesn't automatically make them a nerd. Or a dork.

Besides, by that logic, wouldn't Ootakemaru be just like me?

...Oh man, you're right. Now that you mention it, you're totally, like, birds of a feather.

Like, Ootakemaru's one of those guys who seems dumb and violent at first, but actually turns out to be, like supersmart and logical and stuff.

In your case, I thought I'd hate you 'cause you're, like, this weirdly carefree optimist and stuff, but actually

Oh? Go on.

...Never mind. It's nothing. I already said too much.

?

That was strange, Senpai. I wonder why she paused like that.

？！

Mikon! Did somebody need help?

Well not to worry! Your favorite dependable shrine maiden fox, Tamamo-no-Mae, is here to lend you her paws!

Look, Master, see how quickly I gathered this firewood? What do you think?

Like I always say, there's nothing a good wife can't do.

Camping? Bring it on! Wilderness survival? Love it♡

Now, why don't we take the time I just saved us and use it to make a nice fire, where we can stare adoringly into each other's eyes andOh?

...

...

Ugh. I don't know why, but like, there's something about your face that really grates at me. What're you doing here?

...I do have some faint memories of you, but for our purposes, let's say this is our first meeting.

Ahem. I could ask you the same thing. Who do you think you're fooling with that good girl act?

So that's how it's gonna be, huh? All right, whatever. At least there's one thing we can agree on.

Oh yes, that we can.

What's up with the ears and tail, fox bitch!? You're totes copying my thing!

Excuse me!? I've been around far longer than you! You're the copyfox here, you pathetic teenage wannabe!

Y-you're fighting already!? I know some Servants can have short fuses, but come on!

Since they both have fox ears, I think this may be something of a turf war!

Grrr! What the hell!? How'd you make those skills so effective!?

I think they're even stronger than your Noble Phantasm! Pretty sure I've seen them somewhere before, too!

Ghhh... Look who's talking. Your skills are annoyingly strong, and you don't even leave a single opening in a fight!

In fact, this fight reminded me of all the grudges I've been repressing so hard that my inner beast I've kept sealed away is free again!

Now feel the wrath of a fox who has had no significant appearances in almost two years!

？！

Time out! Time out!!! Please, you've gotta stop before the kindling you gathered sets the whole mountain on fire!

Besides, you're both originally from Japan, right!? Can't we all just get along!?

Shut up, Doc. The only thing I know for sure here is that this bitch and I are never gonna get along!

Seeing how my soul is, like, outright rejecting her, I'd bet we've got a beef left over from another world or something!

You took the words right out of my mouth. You and I are like oil and water, or chalk and cheese.

Until one of us admits defeat, there's no earthly way we'll ever be working together to restore humanity.

At least you got that right. 'Course, it'll be your ass getting beat!

Oho. Look what dummy with more guts than sense is still pushing her luck.

Very well then, so be it. I'll go over everything I dislike about you, point by point.

First, those ears. I've been a fox for over eight-hundred and fifty years now, so you can't pull the fur over my eyes.

Those are fakes, aren't they?

!

I don't know how authentic your whole teenage girl act is, but those ears are definitely clip-ons.

And frankly, when it comes to fluffy ears, our Master deserves nothing but the best nature has to offer, and since we know yours are fake, stop embarrassing yourself and remove them already.

And like, why should I do that? Who cares if I didn't have them in life? They're still cute as fluff.

For that matter, there's a bunch of other animal types in Chaldea...

...and my ears are totes the cutest out of all of them.

Besides, it's not like I chose to have these ears. I was forced into having them.

But instead of being all emo about it, I chose to own it and morphed them into something too cute to resist. Me. I did that.

Not to mention, like, who died and made you queen of fluffy ears? You take out a patent on them or something?

Honestly, I'm embarrassed for you just from watching you say that shit with a straight face. I mean, how petty can you be!?

Really, this is exactly why your own alter egos are always pissed off at you!

H-hey! You leave the Tamamo Nine out of this!

Grr, I can't believe how shameless you are! You're so immature, I bet you spend all your time karaoke hopping!

Oh well, the important thing is that Master understands. Right, Master?

You know those ears are just poor imitations of the real deal, not like my perfectly cute ears...don't you?

So settle this for us once and for all! Whose ears would you rather fluff!?

Hah! I knew Master had good taste! Know what? I'm gonna give you a special one-on-one fluff session later!

Nooo! I can't believe it! I'm so shocked I might just go hide in a cave!

Exactly! Why, just look at how my all-natural ears perk up when I'm happy!

I knew you'd know quality when you saw it, Master.

Did Master just left-swipe me!? Can you, like, not tell how perfect of a combo high school girl and fluffy ears is!?

？！

Hoo boy. I think we're gonna need to bring a third party in to settle this, or they might never stop arguing...

There you are, Master. Here, I have finished gathering firewood.

I was also fortunate enough to find some fresh apples ready for picking. Be sure to thank the mountain for this bounty while you enjoy them.

...Oh, forgive me. It seems you are already in the middle of something. (Munch munch)

What the...!? Another fluffy-eared poseur!?

...Huh, weird. For some reason, she doesn't piss me off like you do, Fox Bitch.

Now that you mention it, she doesn't act like a teenager like you do... And her ears don't seem to be fox ears, either... Aha, I've got it!

Genius Caster that I am, I've figured out how to bring this newcomer to my side!

Hello, pretty wild kitty. Atalante, right?

Yes? What is it?

We have an emergency on our hands, so I need you to listen to me closely.

See that fox poseur there? She says she was the first one to ever have fluffy ears, that hers are the best, and that everyone else's are pale, worthless imitations.

Hey now, she never went that far. Also, I prefer Atalante's, myself.

Nobody asked you, loser!

Still, the fox bitch isn't wrong. Like, it's just a fact that my ears are the cutest.

Heh. You fell for it hook, line, and sinker. The whole problem with you Sabers is you're all brawn and no brains. Everyone knows that.

At any rate, Atalante, I trust you now see how our interests are aligned!

That faux teenager there is the bane of fluffy eared girls everywhere! It's our duty to bring her to justice!

So I ask you now: Will you lend me your speed!?

Uh... To be honest, I do not see the sense in measuring one's value by the fluffiness of one's ears. My ears certainly do not determine my worth.

So you don't even know what sort of fuzzy treasure you've got? Well, I guess that explains why you never showed up on my rival radar...

All right then, try this scenario on for size.

Imagine you're raising some poor, penniless children in an orphanage as their foster mother.

Picture it. You may not have much money, but your days are filled with happiness, smiling faces, and warm hugs...

Mmm. That does sound nice...

But then, one day, your children say something that rocks you to your very core!

"Mommy, are your ears really just second best? Are they just cheap knockoffs?" "I thought your ears were the fluffiest, Mommy, but I guess I was wrong!" "Waaah! I don't want your ears anymore, Mommy! I want THOSE ears!"

Wha...!? No! Stop! Come back to me!

Well, it's all that poseur's fault! She's evil incarnate, and she's trying to steal everything that makes our fluffy ears special!

Now do you understand what's at stake!? Luckily, this is our chance to take her down together!

Justiceand our all-natural earsare on our side!

Khh... How dare you try to take my children away from me!? You will pay for this!

I-I've heard of having an active imagination before, but this is ridiculous!

So, you both wanna throw down with me, huh? Bring it, bitches! I'll show you exactly why my ears bring all the kids to the yard!

Your kids in particular totes love them, you know? Sometimes, there's like, nothing crueler than childhood innocence!

S-say it is not so... No matter how tough times were, the smiles on my children's faces whenever they touched my ears warmed my heart more than any ray of sunshine...

Does this mean they never truly reciprocated my love? Were the happy days we spent together no more than an illusion!? Wahhh...

？！

Y-yikes, I didn't realize she'd take it that seriously. Now I feel kinda bad for messing with her...

Um... Hey, Atalante? I'm sure your kids will, like, realize the truth in the end, you know?

Eventually, they'll be like, "I don't care about other ears. Mommy's ears are still totes my fave!" Go on, picture it!

...My children! Then, you really do love me! I knew I was not just imagining that!

Now, watch me, my children! I will prove once and for all that the ears you love are the best ears!

Crap! My plan totally backfired!

Well well, it seems the tide has turned! Now's my chance to settle this before Atalante comes to her senses!

It looks like you're going to have to fight again before the situation can be contained! Be careful, Senpai!

(Huff, huff...)

Khh...

Would you guys just, like, give up already!?

Nyaaa ha ha haaa! That's fur enough, Four-Ears! Yes, all of you! The ones with overly complicated backstories!

I-is that

Have you forgotten what age it is? What time it is!? Then look at a clock! The hour hand! The minute hand! The second hand!!!

Argh, dammit! This cheap wristwatch I got at the dollar store doesn't tell me the decade!

Fine then, I'll just tell you myself! My ears are the true ultimate fluffy ears! I purrfected them long ago, in the ancient primal jungles of what is now known as Central America!

That's right! I am the Aztec's top idolthe graceful tiger, the Jaguar Warrior draped in beast hide!

(So which is it, tiger or jaguar!?)

(Hang on. Does this mean Jaguar Warrior's ears were real all along!?)

Uh... What's her deal?

Beats me...

What a strange creature...

Okay, everyone, take some deep breaths, then take your seats. I overheard the whole thing.

Basically, you're holding a contest to decide the ultimate Queen of Fluffy Ears once and fur all, right?

Well, you can't have a contest like that without me! That's not just false advertising. It's practically criminal!

And trust me, you don't want to get on the wrong side of the fluffy ear fandom. So, sign me up right meow.

Oh, right. She's such an oddball that I hadn't even considered her, but I suppose she technically has fluffy ears too.

Ugh, ANOTHER one!? This is, like, really getting on my nerves now.

All right, screw it! I'm just gonna thrash you all at once and be done with it! That'll make me feel WAY better!

Bring it on! I'll send you packing like an overnight delivery! Ha! Hiyah!

First I'll hit you with a light-speed kick, followed by a light-speed punch! Crap, now I've gato reattach my limbs!

...Hold on. Why am I out here wielding my bow again...?

Uh-oh! I can't have you coming to your senses yet! Think back to what that cruel fox with the silly little hat said!

"Is this, like, the orphanage run by that weakass wildcat? Looks like the kids you've got here could use, like, a little lesson!"

And "There's nothing I love more than, like, using these ears of mine to steal innocent kids' love all for myself!"

All right, that does it! I will make you pay for crossing my children, starting by shooting out both of your eyes!

Oh come ON! Do you ever NOT believe what someone tells you? It's almost impressive, really!

All right, if that's how it's gonna be, then bring it on!

This time, I'll make sure to knock you flying right into a warm and happy home filled with children's smiles!

Why, I could not ask for anything more! Does this mean you are actually a good person!?

No, of course you are! I can sense you have a very high IQ as well!

Hey, thanks! I kind of like how you're just super up front about your feelings!

And hey, you're a wildcat, so it's not like we've gotta be rivals the way me and the fox bitch are! We should totes follow each other on ServantGram once we're done fighting!

Huh!? How'd you get your divine aura so high all of a sudden!?

Hey! Buffing yourself with the power of friendship is unfair!

Phew, I'm like, frigging exhausted. Thanks for the on-point orders, Master!

G-great job, you two. ...Uh-oh. The others are all getting back up...

Wh-who cares if my tails are burned? I can still fight...

I will...never stop...until my children's... smiling faces...are safe and sound...

Ghh... I can't give up meow. I swore I would claw my way up to the top of the popularity rankings...

I'll even settle for number one in the Fluffy Ears category if I have toWait! Hold up!

Why am I even fighting alongside these impawsters anyway!? Take this! Killer Death Backstabbing Fist!

This is gonna go down as the crime of the century! Meow yeah!

Khh! I can't read her movements at all!

Wait. Hang on. Are you actually trying to kill us!?

Grr, she is even less able to see reason than I am! What are you, my next-gen backward compatible model!?

Khh! On my honor as a hunter, I swear I will not let you escape, foul beast!

Farewell, golden-haired fox warrior! The next time we meet, I will tell you all about my beloved orphanage!

Welp, there they go, fighting amongst themselves...

I swear, like, half the time, I still have no idea what's going on at Chaldea.

Oh well, I'm feeling a lot better now, so I think I'm gonna bounce. We high school girls aren't supposed to fight more than an hour a day, after all.

Oh, but I am gonna grab one of those apples from you first, Master.

Oh? What about the whole ear thing? Are you just going to let that go?

(Munch, munch) Well yeah, like, I know I let that fox bitch, like, rile me up, and I might've said I'm the only one who needed fluffy ears.

But high school girls are all about chasing the new hotness, right? Like, it's all part of being a trendsetter.

And you can't set a trend unless, like, other people start doing it too, you know? Not that there's a ton of, y'know, people left now, but still.

So now I get that I can't be the one setting trends if I'm the only one into any of them.

I mean, like, you can't be an influencer if you don't ever influence anyone, right?

So now that I'm calmer and stuff, I get it's not a huge deal if other people start wearing fluffy ears, too.

I-I see. So since other people wearing fluffy ears might start a trend, you've decided it doesn't bother you?

Hell no! It totes bothers me! Sometimes it even makes me, like, sooo furious!

But like, if it leads to new friendships and stuff, it's ultimately no biggie, right?

Oh, but that's never happening with the fox bitch! She can totes suck it!

(...I see. So both Suzuka Gozen and Tamamo-no-Mae are hiding their true intelligence to be freer Heroic Spirits.)

(Seeing how alike they are does explain why they clash so much.)

'Sides, like Tamamo said, these ears are part of my look.

And like, it's true that I didn't originally have them. Can't argue with that.

？！

Nope. But I always wanted them 'cause I thought they were adorbs, so I got 'em when I was summoned.

...'Course, I might get rid of them if my future perfect boyfriend ends up being a big fluffy ear hater.

After all, like, it's not the ears that're important, it's whether they make my boyfriend and I happy. Get my drift?

Now I understand. So your cuteness is important to you, but not as important as your devotion to a boyfriend.

I'm just saying, like, love beats cute.

...Besides, who cares if I didn't have these ears originally?

Even if they did start out as a lie, now that I really love them, that's totes valuable all on its own.

...Yeah. You're right about that.

And you know, plenty of things just begin with imitation. Like they say: fake it till you make it.

Exactly! ...Mmm, that apple really hit the spot. I think I'm feeling better now!

Hiyaaah! You're not getting away from me!

Oh yeah? Then try these afterimages on for size, meow! Hell, my whole life's been one big afterimage, meow!

Apollo, god of the sun! Artemis, goddess of the moon! I implore you, lend me your strength!

...Should we maybe tell the tempestuous trio over there not to worry about anyone stealing their whole fluffy look, too?

Hahaha, you can if you want. Unfortunately, I'm not brave enough to even try.

All right! Now that we've got a bunch of firewood, let's get this fire started! Not only that, you guys are in for a treat, 'cause I'm gonna make dinner today.

I found out guys love girls who can cook better than they thought, so I've been, like, practicing whenever I can.

I even took some lessons at BeniI mean, Ms. Beni's Jigoku Kitchen, but like, it's still not enough, you know?

So you guys better tell me what you really think about my cooking so I can, like, improve and stuff!

Man, nothing slows her down, does it...?

True. I've known Suzuka long enough to know that when she sets her mind to something, be it polishing her teenage girl image or learning to cook, she devotes everything she has to making it happen.

I can't help but admire that kind of dedication. It makes me want to do whatever I can to help her succeed.

In the meantime, I have no doubt she'll meet this perfect boyfriend of hers one day.

Hehe. I wonder what sort of guy will end up winning her heart?