That's Why I'm Going to Die Here, as Myself

Welcome back, Master.

Good job on your assignment on the minute Singularity. I'm glad to see you have returned safely.

I'm sorry that I'm the one greeting you today. Mash was on standby until the very last minute...

But then a staff member came by and wanted to speak with her about Sheba.

And so I have come to greet you instead. I'm sorry if I have disappointed you.

Yes. Welcome back.

Thank you...

？！

Will you be returning to My Room? Oh, but if you would like to eat...

I've already notified the kitchen. Mr. Emiya, Miss Cat, Miss Boudica, and Miss Raikou...

...are all surely anticipating your arrival. What would you like to do?

Understood. Strength that's been depleted must be restored.

Then this way, please. I shall accompany you to the cafeteria.

？！

Ah. You must be exhausted. I will notify the kitchen that you will arrive later.

Then I will accompany you to My Room.

...Um, I mean...I didn't mean to make it sound like that...

I've recently come to reflect on my past actions... The fact that I would sneak into your bed without permission is, well...

Miss Raikou told me that such a thing is...indecent. She was wearing a swimsuit when she told me...

Of course, I always knew that to be the case in the back of my mind, and I always meant to behave appropriately, as I was raised...

But I could not help myself, and that's why I... multiple times... Oh, yes...multiple times...

I bothered you so many times... I will be careful from now on.

？！

...But if you say that, I might...

No... No! Decency is important! We wouldn't want people sneaking into others' beds without permission!

Moderation! I will cultivate self-restraint!

Master.

Chaldea is a strange place. I may not be in any position to say so because I've not traveled the world to learn much about various places...

But that's how I feel... Many heroes from different times and parts of the world exist here together...

Heroes of the past. Heroic Spirits. Servants.

Dead beings, whose purpose isn't to live correctly in the present age...

？！

No.

Oh, I mean... Well, I'm not sure how to say this... I suppose that is one way to describe things.

We retain our form using our Spirit Origins to stay in Chaldea, and we live like humans.

I do not know the details of its system, but this is all thanks to the immense amount of magical energy that is supplied by Chaldea.

Perhaps a mage, even a Caster-class Servant...

...would be able to better put into words what I am trying to describe...

But I can say this much: this body of mine is made possible through the power of ether.

Blood courses through me, and I have a heart and brain. But at the same time, I have a Spirit Core.

So unlike you, I am not a being with a proper body.

A true incarnation...in other words, to gain existence as a complete living being would likely require the power of a wish-granting vessel like a Holy Grail.

But...

If I...could possibly...

!!!

Oops.

Not looking where you were going, huh? Walking distracted isn't a good idea, Miss Serenity.

Yo, Master. You're safe. How did that last Rayshift go for you?

？！

Haha. Glad to hear it. You've got a nice color to your face too. Oh and you as well, Miss Serenity.

...

Heh.

...B-but, it can't be!

Hm?

My apologies, Archer Arash. I will take my leave now, Master.

？！

I'm sorry. I...um...I...

...I'm terribly...sorry. Now's not...no...no...

I cannot...no matter what...

Huh. She went as far as dissipating into thin air. I didn't mean to cause her so much distress.

Oh, yeah. Well...you know...

Sorry. It's probably best if I don't say anything. I think she should tell you personally.

？！

It's quite the pickle. All you can really do is to brace for it.

To us Servants, the Master is our foundation. No matter how much magical energy Chaldea supplies...

And no matter what anchors us for manifestation...a Servant's existence rests on the Master.

Well, we're not really humans, but that's another story. There's no use lecturing you on that.

...Just act naturally. I beg you.

？！

That's the spirit. That's our Master!

...

I sense multiple entities with hostile intent. It appears we are surrounded, Master.

...Whether we choose to break through or flee, it appears a fight is inevitable.

？！

Yes. I await your orders.

...This may only be the simulator, but I will behave as if it were a matter of life and death. Whatever my Master commands...I will do!

...

...I'm sorry, Master.

You went out of your way to invite me to join you in the simulator, yet...I was of no help.

I didn't expect so many enemies. If I only managed to break through even the slightest...

？！

...

Thank you, Master. You are always so kind... Our Master...

But I...I'm really...

Even though I am one of your Servants...though this should never happen...I just...

I cannot act...the way I should...

Welcome back, Senpai! Serenity!

...I'm sorry. Please take care of Master.

Oh, Serenity...?

？！

Yes...

Good work in the simulator, Hassan of the Serenity.

I figured whatever was bothering you would have gone away once you accompanied Master into battle.

Yet you immediately ran back to your own room... This is very serious.

...

...I thought I locked my door.

You forget that I am a mage.

...And a physician as well.

Servants have no need for physicians. I ask that you leave.

...First, a little parable for you.

I don't...

It's also a sort of fairy tale. Once upon a time, there was a poisonous girl.

...

The poisonous girl killed many people. As the name suggests, the girl's veins ran black with poison.

The girl was searching...for someone who would not die from her touch, who would smile back at her.

For someone whom she could lean against...just like she'd seen so many people doing.

The girl was searching...for love.

The first one, a man, ended in failure. He died. He spoke sweet nothings to her, but then died as soon as the two kissed.

But then...the second one...was a young girl.

One so very powerful that she managed to touch the poisonous girl's skin as if it were nothing...

...and then smile.

...Is that...story true?

Like I said, it's a parable. Though, of course, there are elements of truth.

So the poisonous girl thought to herself, "Ah, this maiden is the one. The one I've desired, the one I've been searching for all this time."

She was thrilled. She worked herself into a fervor.

The poisonous girl accepted the powerful girl as her master, and entered her service. She killed many, and collected many souls...

...A soul eater?

Who knows? That may have been the case. Either way, the poisonous girl killed and killed and killed.

And then she met a young man.

He was a kind young man. He possessed a noble soul, and he was even concerned with the poisonous girl's safety when she showed herself in battle.

Even though...he was destined to die by the girl's hands.

The girl killed the young man...kissing him with her poisoned lips.

She did so without mercy, even though she felt only kindness from him.

And so, the girl continued to work under her powerful master, killing more and more.

Then one day, the poisonous girl received a gift from a man.

It was the kind man, animated as one of the living dead by some kind of magecraft.

...A gift...

The man said to her, "O poisonous girl. You don't care who the person is, as long as they don't die, right?"

"You only serve your master because your touch does not kill her, not because you love her."

"Then this living corpse should satisfy you."

...

...And what did she say?

Who knows?

Which did the girl love...? The girl, or the young man's corpse?

I cannot say. The story's ending is the poisonous girl's alone. It is not for you to know.

At the very least, the girl went into a long slumber, carrying the story's conclusion with her. And she was never to wake up again. Ever.

...Caster Paracelsus.

Yes?

What you are trying to tell me is that my hesitation...this turmoil within me...is...

...not...love...

I cannot say. I wonder, do you even know what love is?

I...

Hassan of the Serenity.

Sometimes, getting lost and hesitating is a good thing. That makes it a story all your own.

You stand before us as a Spirit Origin. Your manifestation in Chaldea is all your own.

Memories and thoughts do not linger. Just like with humans. If a Heroic Spirit dies, its Spirit Origin simply ends there.

That's why, Hassan-i Sabbah...should you chose to cling to the reservations that plague your heart...

...and continue along your journey with that sentiment...

I will not stop you. Nor will I tell you that you are wrong.

...!!!

...Then... I... I...

Paracelsus, oh, Paracelsus. There's just one thing I must tell Master

Then go on. I will not stop you.

Thank you, Caster Paracelsus.

I wish you luck.

I didn't mean to eavesdrop.

But I couldn't help but watch. You chose your words...very carefully...

Memories don't remain, huh?

I did not wish to lie, so I was, as you say, very careful in my choice of words.

Hassan of the Serenity. Her Spirit Origin is somewhat different than ours. Even if SHE were to be summoned once again...

Those records would never be carried over from the Throne.

Only when she gains love, that is.

The Hassan of the Serenity who fell in love will never be summoned again. That Hassan shall sleep for eternity, and carry those emotions with her.

Even if she were summoned using the Holy Grail or through a special magecraft ritual, the checks and balances system should make it so that a different her with a different Spirit Origin would manifest.

...Yeah, the one we have now is a great example.

Yes. She's a completely different person. Different than the girl we know from that distant Holy Grail War in a faraway past.

Even we're different. Circumstances and their outcomes may differ slightly, but I understand that is the way it is for all Servants.

Indeed. Just a SLIGHT difference. Heh. And...that should ring true the next time we are summoned as well.

If it wasn't for the Singularity or the exception that is the Chaldea summoning ritual, fragments of our memories carrying over should not be possible, either.

What a pain in the ass.

Yes. For you and me, both.

Master!

...U-um...I...I...

？！

Y-yes...

...Breathe in...breathe out... Calm down...focus...I...

I can do this. I've decided that I'll talk. Inhale...exhale...

Master. First of all, I apologize for my mishap in battle earlier.

I am fine now. I decided I will be fine from now on. Um...

？！

I will tell you the truth. I have learned that there are others who my touch does not kill. I mean, apart from you, Master.

And so...

I was hesitant. I wavered.

I thought I was determined...that I wouldn't mind even if the First One's evening bell tolled for me...

But then I became confused... I panicked, I wandered, and my mind was all a mess...

Someone who doesn't die from touching me. Someone who doesn't die from embracing me...

The role was so easily filled...the hero Arash was absolutely unfazed even after I touched him!

I heard he was strong against toxins, according to his lore and characteristics. But...I never thought that was actually true...

The moment I witnessed it for myself...I...I... It felt like my chest was about to burst...

And then I couldn't look at you in the eye...

...I...I...

？！

No...no, you do not understand, Master.

It was true that I hesitated. I'm still confused. But...but I want to think that it's fine...

I was the one who decided to be with you. That feeling will never change.

After hearing Paracelsus's story, I began to realize...that if this Spirit Origin that is me...does not stay forever...

I will no longer avoid the truth. This Spirit Origin shall begin and end here. There is no me beyond that.

That's why I'll be fine. I'm fine now. I won't flee...from anybody.

...And not even from my own heart.

Yes.

？！

I will stay by your side. That is what I have decided. That's why...th-th-this is a confession.

I am unsure whether this feeling is love or not...

No! I will try my best! I'm sure I am going to keep agonizing over this, but I'm sure I will eventually come to a conclusion.

That's why, until that time...

Please...I would like you, Master, to resist any love or affections from anyone who comes your way...

And wait...for me... I would...appreciate that...

...Would you be able to forgive me for thinking and wishing this?

？！

Thank you very much, Master. I'm going to keep trying my best.

I will eventually come to a conclusion. Even before Kiyohime whisks you away.

Did you call for me, my dear Anchin!?

Eh...uh...um...seriously? Presence Concealment?

Oh, no. I just slithered my way over here like usual! You just didn't hear me because you were so wound up!

By the way...what in the world was that all about!? That sounded like some sort of confession...like a bittersweet and tender-sounding confession!

I-I will not allow such behavior to happen while I'M around! So, I WILL BURN YOU!

Ah! She's dissipating!

Hold it right there! I actually didn't hear a word you said...I only SENSED something was going on...so tell me EVERYTHING!

？！

Fou fooou!