Where the Heart Is

...The ideal body! That is what I seek!!!

Indeed, has there ever been anyone in history who has not endeavored to sculpt their body into a monument to absolute physical perfection?

Of course not! And that's why we're here! Is that clear, Master!?

No! I can tell your heart isn't in this! I don't need hollow reassurances!!!

That's right. The ideal body. Do you know what I mean?

...No, I can see you don't.

？！

(Sigh)...

So I have to explain this whole thing again, do I? Well, I won't! Besides, as my secretary, you should already know what I mean!

You only get to be a pharaoh's secretary because you truly understand them!

Now, begin the preparations!

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To help me get in shape, obviously!

You have my permission to activate the simulator!

After all, there is no better way to get in shape than exercising, and there is no exercise more effective or beautiful than my Pharaoh Fighting Style!

I already practice for an hour every morning to maintain my looks and my health, of course, but that's not the same as using it in live combat.

Which is why now is the time for live combat!

...Or at least, it would be, if something would attack us. (Sigh) Where's a pack of marauders when you need them?

Anyway, since I can't count on actual enemies to invade in accordance with my workout schedule, I decided to compromise and use the simulator with some help from other Heroic Spirits here.

I trust you understand all that now?

Good! That was a beautiful answer! Now, let us be on our merry way!

Oh, right. I hadn't thought of that... Well, if that turns out to be the case, that will just mean fate has chosen to aid me by providing me with an opponent!

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...Yes?

I was just using the simulator to check up on my battle summons...

Is there a reason you came all this way? I don't want to be rude...

...but couldn't you just set the simulator the way you want for your own training? Cleopatra, what are you

No. No, Pharaoh Nitocris. No more words.

What I need right now is not talk, but exercise. Hard, strenuous, fat-burning exercise! I can't possibly get that from mere NPCs.

Now go on, don't hold back. Hit me with your best shot! On my honor as pharaoh, I can take whatever you throw at me!

(Sigh)... All right, if you insist...

...Are you sure about this, Master?

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V-very well then. I'll admit, fighting another Servant should help with my own training too!

All right, here goes!

...Come forth, my armies of the dead! Come forth from my mirror, and show my enemies the power of a pharaoh!

Phew! Not bad!

But, it still seems like something's missing... You weren't holding back, were you, Pharaoh Nitocris?

No, I was taking it fairly seriously. But I see that wasn't enough for you.

Hmm, I'm afraid not! Between this place and the minions you summoned, this just wasn't what I needed!

This is not what I had in mind for my ideal exercise routine. Master!

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Right!

Well now. I certainly didn't expect to see you here.

What's that? You're looking for combat training partners? I see.

In that case, perhaps my homunculi and golems would do the trick? I was just trying my hand at some automata as well.

Very well. It will be interesting to see how much of a sweat these creatures can help me work up.

All right, come at me! I'll take you all on and look beautiful doing it!

...Well, they were certainly worthy opponents, but I'm afraid they just aren't beautiful enough for my tastes.

Hmm... Finding the ideal exercise routine is a lot more difficult than I expected...

Cleopatra, last of the pharaohs, I apologize that my creations failed to meet your expectations.

No, it's all right. I am the one who should apologize.

Forgive me for simply moving on without properly rewarding you for your efforts.

I'll make it up to you by throwing you the finest banquet you will ever see. Oh, I'll have to invite Pharaoh Nitocris too.

Now then... Master!

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Come, let us be on our way!

That was most satisfying. Just what I would expect from an area modeled after my own Egypt.

But, I'm afraid it all feels a bit too familiar.

They were certainly strong enough opponents, but it just wasn't quite exciting enough to really make my skin glow!

...This really is difficult, isn't it?

I guess the ideal workout, and the ideal body aren't things that can be obtained overnight...

But I'm not going to give up! Not after I've already come so far! Right, Master!?

？！

Yes! This time, I'm going to find what I'm looking for!

... ...

This is...the ocean.

...Why am I doing all this?

Why am I putting myself through so much strenuous exercise? Why couldn't I be satisfied with Pharaoh Nitocris's workout, or the desert's?

I'm sure those questions have crossed your mind at least once or twice, my secretary.

Why am I working so hard to improve a body that is already perfect?

I don't blame you for wondering. You must find it more intriguing than any of the Seven Wonders of the World. I doubt even that famous detective could understand.

The truth is

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Hehe, you really don't understand. I don't blame you.

But my search for the ideal body is not for me. I seek it for another.

Namely

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...Huh?

Uh, y-yes, that's right. ...Wait...

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Ho-how did you know!? Are you some kind of genius!?

I knew you were a hard worker, Master, but I didn't think you were actually one of the greatest sages of all time... You might even be wiser than Diogenes.

A-ahem. I suppose it is obvious by now, but yes, you're right.

This is all for my darling Caesar.

The ideal workout routine is not to help me achieve an ideal body, but to help Lord Caesar slim down!

What sort of arduous battle will best ensure he gets into shape?

That's why I've been going to such great lengths...

...And now (sigh) I've ended up at the ocean. A virtual ocean that can't possibly lead back to Alexandria.

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...This isn't just about looks.

Though that's not to say looks aren't part of it! They're super important, you know! But I never chose my dear Caesar for his looks alone!

...It's my son, Caesarion.

My child who faced down Rome all on his own, and died just a few days after me.

The true last pharaoh ever to walk the earth.

I...I want my dear Caesar to accept him as his rightful son and heir...

...and to do so in the same beautiful body he possessed on that fateful day.

... ...

I know it's too late to change history. I know the past will stay the past, no matter what he says now.

But, even so...I still want him to say it. Both for my beloved son's sake, and for my own pride.

It's the only way my son and I will ever be able to rest in peace...

Are you sure that's what you want?

Wouldn't being at peace mean that you would no longer have the need to materialize in the present world?

Lord Caesar!?

You've finally found a Master you trust enough to accompany you wherever you choose to go.

Do you really want to throw that beautiful bond away just because of something I said?

I...!

Oh, Caesar! Please don't say things like that. I just had this idea when I was washing my face this morning!

Please don't make me second-guess my amazingly beautiful decision to see it through now.

No, we can't! I'm reminded yet again of just how very good Caesar is with words!

Exactly! They just...come to you, as though they were a revelation from the heavens or something!

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(Hmm, you really are second-guessing yourself now. Ahh, what a good woman you are.)

(Being around you makes me want to be a better person, and that is no mean feat. But right now, love of my life, I must bite the bullet and tell you what you need to hear.)

Cleopatra, Master there is the only person you have ever known that you are willing to accept as your secretary.

Unlike us, you two had no existing bond to speak of. It was destiny that brought you two together.

I promise, I'm not going anywhere. So I urge you to cast your mind back and remember once again.

Surely you don't need to hurry to your death so quickly, do you? Yes, when you were alive, your beautiful light was snuffed out all too soon...

...but does that mean you must do the same now? No, it absolutely does not!

Lord Caesar...

I didn't know you cared so deeply for me...

Or for Master...!

That is why, my beloved Cleopatra...

...I will never lose weight!

!!!

!!!

That is all. Master, I will allow you to continue to shine bright by my Cleopatra's side.

I understand the bond you share is special, and not at all akin to cheating. So I will allow it!

In turn, my dear Cleopatra...I trust you will allow me a little freedom of my own.

My eye may wander juuust a bit from time to time, but that's not cheating either. Really. I'm talking just a teeensy little bit of ogling.

Hell no!

Curses!

That request would be enough to ruin a romance that lasted a hundred years, but fortunately, my determination stretches back over two thousand years!

It may have taken approximately two thousand and one hundred years, but at last, your time has come! Prepare to die, Lord Caesar! And to finally lose some weight as well!

Never!

That's the one thing you refuse to back down on, is it! Well, there are some things I won't compromise on, either!

Master! My secretary! I'm fairly tired after all that exercising, so it's time for the FP Fighting Style!

Don't look at me like you have no clue what FP stands for! It stands for "Final Pharaoh," of course!

Fortunately, my makeup is already perfect for a beachside backdrop! Are you ready to shine bright with me, Master!

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Very well then... Let us begin!!!

I-impossible...!

I can't believe you saw through my golden sword!

Hmm, maybe you do have a point. As impressive as my swordsmanship is, my body does limit how I can employ it.

Well done, Cleopatra. And, Master? If I may make one last request?

Please...take care of Cleopatra in my absence!

Ahh... Wait for me, Caesarion! I'm coming to join you, my son!

(Uh, that's okay. I'm fine on my own. Really.)

Wha

N-no! No, no, no, no! Caesar is...g-gone...? This can't be happening...

Ahh...! Ahh, ahhh...! I... I...!

What have I done!?

Caesaaaaaaaaar!

... ...

So, um, it turns out I've been here all along, but never mind that. I don't think you have any reason to worry. He didn't disappear; he just changed into his spirit form.

Besides, this is the simulator. Nobody disappears in here unless there's a really, really serious accident.

What!? B-but, but he was shimmering and everything!

I thought the only time Heroic Spirits shimmer like that is when their Spirit Core has been destroyed and they're about to completely disappear...

Well, um, I'm guessing that's because he also has the kind of sparkling charm that you do?

Maybe just spending so much time with you was enough for it to rub off on him...? Or something like that.

!

I don't believe it... Then, this means...!

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Grrrrrrrrr, I can't believe it! He was shimmering so much I just assumed he was truly disappearing!

...Well, there's no point crying about it now. Besides, pharaohs don't get discouraged. Devastatingly depressed at times, maybe, but not discouraged. Besides, that was a long time ago.

Anyway, Caesar was right about at least one thing.

Master... My very first secretary.

Now that I've promoted you to such an esteemed position, I would be a failure as a pharaoh if I didn't ensure you enjoyed each and every day you spent serving me.

Wouldn't you agree? Yes, of course you would. No need to answer that!

I want you to feel overwhelming joy and pride in being my secretary, and in having summoned me...

...So it's all right if you hold off on completely fulfilling my wish until you do.

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Absolutely not!

That is an entirely separate issue!

Now then, let us go for a walk on this beach until the sun has set! In fact, we should call Mash and have her join us as well. Oh, and Pharaoh Nitocris!

Yes?

I would like to demonstrate the glory of the Double Pharaoh sparkle to my secretary. I trust you don't mind!

Ah... Must I?

I. Trust. You. Don't. Mind?

(Sigh) Fine, fine. If you insist.

Wonderful! I knew you would understand, queen of the heavens!

Very well then...first, I'll need to change into a swimsuit. The finest swimsuit ever made that is sure to suit me per

Oh, in that case, I have an idea. Why don't you try this Medjed outfit made with a new kind of

No, thank you! I don't have the courage to wear something imitating Lord Medjed!

At this moment...

(Shock)

...I'm looking for something on the cutting edge of fashion, such as an outfit from Paris Fashion Week!

I always shine bright in all my endeavors, and that's not about to change anytime soon!

Now, let us all be on our way!