Dream Treasure

... ...

...Hey, Master?

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I know what I'm about to say is outrageous, so you shouldn't take it seriously.

And as a gentleman, I also know that what I'm about to say is both uncouth and taboo.

But even so, I'm so overcome with this joyous sight before me...

...that I can't help but blurt it out! I'm about to lose it!

？！

Yes, please do. Now then...

(Deep breath)

Baby got bangs!

(Here she comes...I know this move...)

(So this is how it feels to get thrown at Mach 2...)

(It's a lot faster than when I fell into the ocean...)

(I wonder if it's even possible to break this fall...)

(Uh-oh. There's the floor)

...Phew. Okay, I'm back to my senses now.

？！

I don't know, bro. Was sense ever a thing you had?

Hey, that's uncalled for, Blackbeard. I know better than to ever say "baby got bangs" again.

You do know nobody in their right mind would ever become a pirate in the first place, right, Blackbeard?

Yeah, I'd rather have an idiot on my crew than some normie any day of the week.

...Okay, not Bartholomew. He's too stupid to live.

Yeah, he is.

Hahahahaha, spoken like a true pirate: rude and crass.

If you two didn't have hidden eyes, I'd be drawing my pistol about now.

But...we don't have hidden eyes.

Right, which is why I'm drawing.

Put that gun away before someone gets hurt; we ALL know that someone will be you.

Bring it on, Bart!

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'Kaaay.

Ugh, I swear.

You all have way too many screws loose, you know that?

Where do you get off passing judgment!? I didn't see you trying to stop us!

Well yeah, 'cause it was fun to watch! Everyone knows pirates are here for a good time, not a long time.

Anyway, what were you saying about dreams and treasure before, Bart?

It's simple.

We all died before we could make our dreams come true, right?

Yeah...

Anne and I definitely didn't have what you'd call a happy ending.

Hell, I ended up dying in prison.

I managed to live to old age, but I was a pirate at heart, so I might as well have been dead.

And Blackbeard, well he ended up a head short.

...Anyway, so what? It's a ridiculous idea.

There's no way anyone who spent their life stealing and killing could hope to realize their dream

Oh, wait. I forgot about that guy. You know, the one with the creepy gums?

Oh. Him...

Awww yeaaah. (Flashing "V" for "victory")

Well, never mind him. I'm sure it's just a matter of time until he gets his comeuppance.

Comeuppance, huh...

Maybe he'll bump into Spartacus and be branded an oppressor?

Exactly.

Then his oppressor stat'll skyrocket to the point where it looks like he's about to explode.

Hmm, I see. And that's when he'll get the...uh, shoulder massage of a lifetime?

Hahaha, I sure hope so!

But anyway, let's just forget about him.

My point is, we're all being a lot more useful now than we were when we were alive, right?

Well, yeah, I guess that's true.

Master, would you say Mary and I are being useful?

Oh my, you don't say.

Oh my... Oh my, my... Teeheehee.

Huh, is that so? Huh...

Hehe... Heehee... Hehehe.

I swear, those two are completely defenseless against purity and innocence...

They'd probably die if they ever tried drinking purified water.

You two sure you can survive this era of bottled water?

I see. So you appreciate us, huh...

Then you know what would make us reeeally happy? If you showed your appreciation with a very specific gift♡♡♡

And by thaaat, I mean

Stop right there, Anne, or someone besides me is gonna stop you instead.

...Oh, fine.

Hahahaha!

I take it that means you'd rather die than have Bart or me touch you?

Yup.

Yeah, that tracks.

？！

All right, putting all that aside too...

What I'm trying to say is...

...why can't we make our dreams come true now?

Hmm, I see.

So what is your dream, anyway? Treasure? Women?

Hidden eyes.

Damn, son. At least let me finish asking the question before you answer it!

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Okay, so, how exactly do you want to make that...dream of yours come true?

Do you want to adore them? Ravage them? Gaze at them? Stan them?

Well no, but actually yes...

Hmm.

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure WHAT it is I want to do with my beautiful hidden-eyed ladies and lads...

Hah, some dream you got.

As if you're any better.

What was that?

You got a problem with me, Beard-o?

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Aww.

Oh my.

What's going on with you today, Blackbeard? You getting back to your Chaotic-Evil roots or something?

Hmm... You know, maybe I am. I do kind of feel like pillaging for the first time in a while.

Hey, Master, don't forget, we can always just freeze his Spirit Origin solid.

I'd do that before he decides to start his pillaging comeback tour with Chaldea if I were you.

Hey, no fair!

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You got it. Thanks, Master! I knew you'd understand, bein' my Master and all.

...By the way, is it just me, or has that kunoichick (short for kunoichi chick) been tossin' me a bunch of dirty looks lately? More than I usually get, I mean.

I can only imagine you've severely insulted her honor somehow. I'm betting calling her "that kunoichick" doesn't help.

Aw crap, and I just did it again, didn't I!? I'm a dead man!

Excuse me, Master. I'm sorry to bother you while you're on break, but could I talk to you about something?

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Well...

All together now!

Luscious bangs, hidden eyes, yahoy hoy hoy hoy♪

Knock it off.

Anyway, who'd've thunk all us pirates would be banding together to tackle a minute seaside Singularity!

Why couldn't they send someone else?

Well, I'm enjoying this. It's much nicer with just us pirates. Though that's not to say I don't get along with all the other Servants, of course.

Yeah, it's nice. Too bad Drake and Jason couldn't come too, though.

Hahahahaha. All that aside, it sure is nothing but ocean out here, isn't it!

That it is.

But no matter how beautiful the sea might be, you should never forget that it can be scary too, Master.

Not only can people not drink seawater, they can't even stay submerged in it for very long.

Sure, it has fish we can catch and eat, but it's also got sharks who'll eat us if we're not careful.

Humankind and hidden eyes may owe their existence to the ocean...

...but we definitely can't exist in it anymore.

Yup, it's true. The ocean can definitely be scary.

But don't just look down into the water, Master. Look at the scenery all around us, too.

The horizon that seems to stretch on forever... The ocean's glittering emerald color...

The only thing that could make it better would be if it had hidden eyes.

？！

At any rate, the sea is both beautiful and frightening.

I can't even imagine how many people have been drawn in by its duality only to lose their lives to it.

By the way, Bart.

Yes, Blackbeard?

Who's the captain of this ship, anyway? It's totally me, right?

Don't be ridiculous. It's Master, of course.

Damn.

Hey Master, would you mind if I mutinied so I could be the captain again? Maybe you could even make this easy and just pop your head right off for me?

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At the first sign of mutiny, we're stuffing you in a barrel and tossing you overboard.

Right after we shoot off your kneecaps.

And pull out your organs.

...You know, you really are acting weird today, Blackbeard.

I mean, we know you're too much of an idiot for us to ever let down our guard around you...

But this is still excessive, even for you.

I agree.

At first, I thought you were just going through some kind of pirate midlife crisis or something...

...where you felt like you had to go wild now and then to stay in touch with your inner pirate.

Same here. I was planning on cutting off your head the next time you pointed your pistol at us.

I-I see. ...Now that you mention it, I guess I have been acting weird, haven't I?

I guess there's only one thing we can do then. Turn around, Blackbeard.

Huh? Why? So you can shoot me in the back!?

Of course not. Go on, just turn around.

Well, all right. How's thiGwah!?

Ooh, nice dropkick. That's a solid triple.

Wow, he just went flying overboard like some kind of Blackbeard bowling pin.

Oh well, no biggie.

Yes, biggie! It's a very big biggie!

Huh? Next to me? What?

Is there a sexy shortstack, my dream type, right beside me?

No, it's a huge ghost of determinately indeterminate gender.

Huh? You mean this ghost here?

Hmm. Probably my guardian spirit? You know, here to watch over me? Something like that?

...Then again, maybe it's just another evil ghost?

I'd put my money on that, yes.

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Gotcha. Maybe that explains why I feel so refreshed now that I got it off my back!

Yeah, well, I'm glad you're refreshed, because now we all have to fight this monster you brought back with you!

All right, Master, I hate to ask this of you, but we're counting on your orders!

Farewell, ghost. Maybe one day, we can talk about hidden eyes like civilized beings!

Huh? The hell? What a creep...

... ...

... ...

I guess humans and ghosts will just never see eye to hidden eye...

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Look, I know it's me talking here, but don't you think you've taken your fetish a little too far?

Nope.

The great thing about the ocean is that it treats us all equally, regardless of race, nationality, or fetish!

Okay, I know this is rich coming from me, but you really shouldn't be putting fetishes on the same level as race and nationality, freak show.

Never mind that. What was that thing haunting you anyway, Blackbeard?

Hmm. I'm not sure, but if I had to guess...

Maybe, back when I killed a whole boatload of ghosts at some point or other, I missed one...

What else could it possibly be? Man, you really are hopeless, aren't you?

Oh shut up.

Anyway, now that I've reflected on my crimes and turned over a new leaf...

...this is the perfect time to continue on our voyage...even as you wonder if you can really trust me!

If this were a manga, I would almost certainly be hearing the readers shouting their disbelief now.

"Huh!? Who does he think he is, acting all buddy-buddy with the good guys after all the evil shit he pulled! Doesn't the hero remember he killed his parents!?"

(Sigh)...

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Aye, aye, Captain!

All right, looks like this must be about where the Singularity originated.

I can make out an island over there, Master. Here, my spyglass. See for yourself.

？！

Let's go disembark then. Is everyone ready?

Ready!

Go change. Now.

Yeah, yeah.

I wonder what we'll find here. Ogres? Lamia? Treasure? Hidden eyes?

What do you think, Master?

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Aww...

...Can we try that again?

I wonder what we'll find here. Ogres? Lamia? Treasure? Hidden eyes?

What do you think, Master?

Stop it. Right now.

Hmm. You know, maybe this is why we pirate Servants were summoned for this mission.

Islands like this are practically guaranteed to have some great pirate treasure on them, after all.

？！

Oh, looks like there's a cave up this way.

Nicely spotted, sharpshooter.

Then let's go see what's inside. I wonder what it is we'll need to repair here...

Help...please... Somebody...anybody...

I need someone...to take over...for me... To fulfill...my dream...

Ahh... Someone's here...

Hmm... Not liking the aura I'm sensing up ahead.

Me neither. It feels like one of those things that always ruins a pirate's day.

That it does.

For sure. How about you, Master? Are you doing okay?

Good.

I'm hoping you can see what we're about to find from a different perspective, without being beholden to our pirate preconceptions.

Oh, don't worry. It's not like it's actually making us feel sick or anything.

It's just that our pirate intuition, informed by years of experience with dangerous situations...

...is telling us that whatever's up ahead is a nasty piece of work.

All right, let's keep moving.

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Huh? No way...

It's treasure!

Treasure!

Treasuuure!

Hey, stop! Just hang on a mo Damn, it's too late.

Gaah!

A pitfall... Great. Now it's just you and me...

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...Well, don't worry. We pirates are nothing if not resilient. As long as we're still alive, we'll figure something out.

Honestly, I can't believe those three forgot about the uneasiness we all had the moment they laid eyes on that treasure.

...Err, well, yeah. Okay, I can. They ARE pirates.

Anyway, we'll just have to be a lot more careful than they were.

We can start by going around the pitfall.

Ahh... Ahhh... You did well...to conquer the many challenges...and overcome the many obstacles...on your way here...

Well done... Well done indeed...

Well thanks.

You two have earned the right...to take this treasure for yourselves...

Hmm. What do you think we should do, Master?

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Yes?

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... ...

Aha! That's it! Now I get it! Hahahaha!

What is...so funny...?

Fascinating.

Even now, that...thing looks like a pile of shiny treasure to me.

Which means it must be treasure that only pirates can see.

I guess the "many challenges" part refers to this whole adventure we've been on, starting with that pitfall.

Every pirate worth their sea salt would think any treasure they had to really work to acquire would have to be real.

But in this case, it was a trap. There's no treasure here at all. Just a single wicked ghost.

Ahh... Ahh...

And that means...

...this ghost here is causing this Singularity. It's likely using a magical energy source comparable to a Holy Grail.

Let me guess: You're trying to trap us on this island by enticing us with treasure that never existed, correct?

Because that's exactly what happened to you!

AaaaaaaAAAAAAAH!

Hahahahaha! I knew it!

There you have it, Master. Sadly, there was never any treasure on this island. It was just another unfulfilled dream!

But, that's the way life goes sometimes. In the meantime...

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Aye, aye, Captain!

Ahh... A-ahh... Still...now...at long last...

I can...finally be...at peace...

I really wish...I'd found...some treasure, though...

Phew.

This is Chaldea. Master, do you read me?

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I've confirmed the Singularity has been repaired. Great job, Senpai.

We'll be ready to bring you back soon, so please just sit tight for a little longer.

Got it.

...Hmm.

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Hm? Oh, I guess you could say that. Like I said, I know there wasn't any real treasure here...

...but maybe there actually was.

Take a look at this.

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I can just barely make it out myself, but yes. And it's not a map of this island, either.

I found it underneath the rock that ghost was sitting on.

It's no wonder he never found it there, not even with decades to look for it.

Anyway, my point is...

Just because there turned out not to be any treasure here doesn't mean we should give up.

We may not have been able to achieve our dreams, but when it comes to hoisting sails in search of treasure...

Well, that's absolutely in our wheelhouse, if you catch my drift.

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Hahaha. Oh? Those footsteps sound familiar.

(Gasp, gasp, gasp...) O-oh good... We finally...made it...

Deadly traps, evil spirits, booby-trapped doors... That was a hell of an adventure...

But we're finally here. Now where's that treasure!?

...Huh? Master?

Bart?

Huh? What happened to the treasure we saw here?

Wheeere iiis iiit!?

(Sigh) Hoo boy.

Well, Master, it looks like we have another difficult task ahead of us.

After they fought tooth and nail to get here, how do we break it to them that there was never any treasure to begin with?

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You said it!

Oh well, I guess they'll just have to be satisfied with the promise of new riches to come!

That's something pretty much every pirate has in common, after all.

Even if we can't make our dreams come true, we can always get by as long as we've got treasure to chase!