Chaotic Hustle and Bustle During a New Moon

Goood morning, Master♡ Did you sleep well?

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Of course, Master. It helped me decide to never leave yours.

...Hmm. This is usually where Mash would come in.

Master, I'm sorry to bring this up out of nowhere...but I'm afraid Chaldea is in trouble right now.

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Yes, it is. I think this is the simplest way I can put it.

Master, which do you prefer: American or British?

Very well.

To put it simply, everyone is acting like...

A bozo!

Complete bozos!

Very well.

To put it simply, everyone is acting like...

A real plank!

They are all acting as thick as planks!

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But, as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words. You'll see what I mean once you get dressed and step outside.

Don't worry, I'll help you.

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Aww.

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BUUURP♪

(Headbanging violently and beautifully)

(Waving her swords around like glow sticks)

(Waving his club)

And for my next impression...!

Nnn. Nn, nn.

Hello. I'm Oda Nobunaga. (Speaking in a shrill voice)

Way to go, Sister! You even pull off the real deal version of you spectacularly!

Meeedjeeed♪

Meeedjeeed♪

More and more Meeedjeeed♪

More and more Meeedjeeed♪

And once there're mooore♪ We'll be heading fooor♪

A black hooole♪

Doowaaaaaah♪

... ...

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Yes, Master. This is very much a "yikes" situation.

Mash was so shocked when she left her room that she had to go back to bed.

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I thought so too, so I advised her to stay in bed until things settle down.

...Now then.

This can't have just happened on its own, so something must be making them act like that.

Thankfully, whatever it is seems to have spared you, Master...

So when you're ready, why don't we take a deep breath and then start looking for anyone else who hasn't lost their mind?

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I see Lord Edison and Lord Tesla over there.

Maybe they will be able to help. They're scientists!

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Alternating current rocks!

Direct current rocks!

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Indeed. Let's move on.

...! Master!

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Wahaha! We've got you now, Master!

Curse you, Ladies Anne and Mary! How dare you kidnap Master before me!?

Fortunately, I haven't been brushing up my Master stalking skills all these years for nothing!

Yaaah!

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Teeheeheehee. Oh Maaasteeer♡

Maaasteeer♡

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Oh yes, we know.

We'd usually go along with that, only for Raikou or Mash to swoop in and save you...

Not to mention that we normally have something holding us back.

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Something important for any Heroic Spirit, Servant, and especially humans to possess.

But, hehe...now that it's gone, we have nothing to fear.

We still don't know what happened to it, but who cares!?

Now, come on, Master. Let's all get down and dirty like

Sorry, you two, but that's not happening on my watch!

Who's there!?

I am Astolfo, one of the Twelve Paladins of Charlemagne!

Mark my words, scoundrels who would harm, hurt, and/or seduce Master!

You won't get away with it, because...

I will defeat you!!!

Because I am, as previously stated, a paladin!

...Something feels off about this, but one thing's clear: he's an enemy.

Unfortunately for you, we don't have anything holding us back anymore! So once we've taken care of you, we're gonna cuddle (read: have our way with) Master all we want!

That's what you think! Prepare to taste justice, fiends!

Aw maaan, I really thought we had him this time!

Come on, Master, just give in already!

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Ha! How do you like them apples!?

(Huff... Huff...) Th-that was close...

Are you all right, Master? You're not hurt, are you?

Have you been, um, inappropriately touched or licked or anything like that anywhere?

What good would it do to ask him that now?

So I know if I need to cleanse him by thoroughly licking any such defiled spots.

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...Damn. You're telling the truth...

At any rate, what in the world got into Ladies Anne and Mary?

I mean, this isn't entirely new to them, but they seemed...

Well, they were a lot...MORE today...

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Aww, you're no fun, Master.

But that's what we love about you♡

Anyway, we lost something every human needs.

Namely...

Our reason!

Huh!?

O-of all the things to lose! Especially for Servants!

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... ...Ohh, now I see.

It all makes sense!

?

This is all my fault!

Say whaaa...!?

So, you know how I'm usually not the most logical thinker, right?

We, um... We're aware, yes...

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But then today comes, and it's a new moon, yeah?

Now, my mind feels as sharp as a tack. I've got intelligence and common sense for days.

So, here's what I think:

I've collected all the other Servants' smarts and reason for myself!

That's...certainly a conclusion.

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Now that it's a new moon, I'm way smarter, so I figure it just makes sense that everyone else's brainpower came to me.

See, I was hanging out with Kid Gil the other day...

Huh. So your catalyst is a bottle full of...reason.

Sure is!

I could probably be a pretty smart Servant in my own right if I only had a bottle like that.

You don't say. Okay, let me see if I can find mine.

Hmm, that's not it. That's not it either... Aha, here it is.

Is this the kind of bottle you were talking about?

Whoa!

Yeah, that's totally what it looked like! Wait. Does this mean I can have it?

Sure. I don't have any use for it.

Besides, it seems like it'd be pretty fun if it does help you get your reason back.

There's probably some catch to this, but who cares!? Not me!

Here you go then.

This one works a little differently from the legend...

But if you use it during a new moon, it should definitely let you get your reason back.

Woohoo! Thanks! I can't wait for the next new moon!

Okay, according to the calendar, tonight should be a new moon.

Time to open this baby up!

... ...

Hm? I don't feel especially different. Hmm? Hmm?

Huh?

Wh-whoa!

I see. So this is the worst possible outcome...

Here, Master. Have some water. That's it. Down the hatch.

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I know. You're right.

If I'd actually had my smarts before I did this, I'd have known better.

Dammit, me! Why do I have to be so...me!?

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Good question. I don't think I'm acting any differently than usual.

And there are at least a few others who seem similarly unaffected.

Oh, that's easy. Kiyohime and those others didn't have any reason left to steal.

... ...

What did you just say?

Apparently, this bottle steals up to seventy percent of other Servants' brainpower, so it always leaves at least thirty percent.

So if a Servant is already working with thirty percent or less of their rational mind to start, the bottle just leaves them alone.

It's kind of like a built-in safety.

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Graaah!

If I only had my gloves here, I'd be slapping you so hard right now!

Only thirty percent!? That can't be right!

Master, I'm perfectly reasonable and intelligent, right?

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I can see some complicated feelings in your somewhat hedgy answer...

...but, (sigh) it's also clear you aren't lying...

All right, let's go clean up this mess before things get any worse.

That sounds good to me... But where exactly are we going?

To find that bottle's original owner, of course!

It's time to pay a visit to the boy version of Gilgamesh, the King of Heroes!

He's nowhere to be seen...

Hmm. He must be hiding out in the simulator.

If he is, we'll have to search the entire thing from corner to corner.

Well, you know what they say about journeys of a thousand kilometers. Let's go take that first single step!

Okay, I checked the simulator's log.

It said the areas with Servant signals are:

The forest, the beach, the art museum, Waikiki Street, this U.S. city, the cave, and the throne room.

Let's start with the forest. Come on!

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I know what you mean. He even SOUNDS more gallant, somehow...

That's not to say I think he usually sounds like an idiot, of course... Well, yes, I do think that...

You do, huh. Oh well, I guess I can't blame you. I usually am an idiot, after all!

But anyway, it looks like we found the Servant here.

... ...

Oh, if it isn't the (human) Orion. ...Uh-oh.

I just realized he's probably not in his right mind now, either.

Please stand back, Master!

You there. The two Servants.

Huh? You mean me?

And me?

I love you!!! (Spoken like a greeting)

Did he just steal my shtick!?

Heh.

I guess we won't be able to talk this out, now that his rational mind is gone.

So before he hits on anything with a pulse and causes Lady Artemis to blow her top...

It's up to us to stop him!

Right!

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Don't worry! I'll never give in, no matter how outmatched we might be!

I just...wanted to...make out...with cute...girls!!!

Phew... I'm glad that worked out.

Anyway, it looks like we won't find Kid Gil here, unfortunately. Come on, let's try the next area.

Very well. Let's be on our way.

Lord Orion (the human version) will be fine.

This is just my "young maiden in love" intuition speaking, but I'm positive Lady Artemis is making her way here at top speed as we speak.

Gotcha. Then let's get out of here before things get ugly.

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...Ahem.

We've covered every centimeter of every area in the simulator now.

The beach... The museum... Luluhawa... America... The cave...

Phew. I don't know about you two, but I'm pretty beat.

We found Lord Emiya cooking like crazy, Lord Jason drinking himself silly...

The great authors lazing around with their deadlines completely forgotten, Lord Fergus hitting on every woman he could find...

And then there was... (Grimace)

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I can't believe he's actually been holding himself back all this time. Who'da thunk.

All that aside, Lord Astolfo.

It seems having full command of your faculties really does make you an excellent knight.

Hey, I wasn't one of the Twelve Paladins of Charlemagne for nothing.

Roland, Oliver, Archbishop Tilpin, Bradamante, and leading us all, King Charlemagne...

If nothing else, they were all stronger and more accomplished than me, not to mention way more noble.

Did you just lie a bit?

Well, yes, but only to make my friends look good. Please don't hold it against me!

Besides, they really were strong and noble!

I'll allow it.

You were only thinking of your friends, after all.

Thanks!

... ...

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Oh, no.

I was just thinking about what a wonderful paladin Lord Astolfo makes when he has his wits about him.

If he was like this all the time, I might have another rival vying for your affections to contend with!

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...Bwa?

Really? Why's that, Master?

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...!

N-now that you mention it, Master, you're right!

Astolfo may not usually be in his right mind, but he still never does anything wrong.

Does this mean you're actually some kind of saint, Lord Astolfo?

Hah! No, nothing like that. I'm just usually...out of it.

Out of it?

Like, normally, it just doesn't even occur to me to do anything wrong.

Although now that I'm a paladin AND a Saber, I can think of at least a few misdeeds.

Like, say, having snacks right before dinner! ...Oh, wait. I already do that...

Anyway, I think I'm better off without my rationality.

Especially since I was never that smart to begin with!

I wouldn't say that at all.

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Right?

Really? Thanks, Kiyohime and my lovely Master!

Hehe. Anyway, this just leaves the throne room.

If he's not here either, this will all have been a giant waste of time...

Don't worry, Kiyohime. I'm here.

Good, there you are. I wanted to ask you about this bottle.

Of course.

I didn't know it at the time, but it looks like that bottle works by stealing other people's reason.

This is all very embarrassing for me.

That's why I used the last of my rationality to evacuate here.

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Yes, I'm afraid so. About forty percent, I'd say.

So what are you all doing here, anyway?

... ...

Oh, right, of course. I should have known.

You may not have your reason anymore, but you still have all your knowledge, don't you?

Yes, of course.

But now that I've lost about forty percent of my mind...

...I feel like I really can't be bothered to do anything about, well, anything.

Yikes! You didn't look that affected at first, but I guess you really are!

Hey, I figure, I'm gonna grow up in the future anyway, right?

So then, why bother trying to build anything of value now? It all just seems pointless...

C-crap! It looks like Gil's not gonna be much help, either!

I'm sorry to ask, but would you mind just fighting me?

I think this'll go a lot easier if you just force me to help you.

All right, if that's what you want.

Come on, Master. This is gonna be our last battle!

Okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll do it! ...Phew.

By the way, Master, do you have any tissues on you?

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Could I have one, please? Thanks.

Now we just tear it in two, twist the ends until they're pointy, and...

Could you come here, Astolfo?

What's up?

Hup.

Gyah!

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Wait. You don't mean... Is THAT really how you

Ah... Ah... Ah...

Achooo!!!

...And so, all the reason that had gathered inside Lord Astolfo's head made its way back to its original owners.

As for Master and I... Oh, and Gil, I suppose...

We all swore we would never reveal the secret of how everyone got their minds back.

I can't imagine any of them being happy to know their reason is covered in snot from a sneeze, anyway.

Aw maaan. I was such a badass earlier, and now, that's all gone!

But I guess this is just the kind of ending I deserve, huh? D'oh.

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... ...

Nehehehehehe.

You always say just what I want to hear whenever I want to hear it, don't you, Master?

Thanks a bunch♡

That's more than close enough, Lord Astolfo.

Oh, right. Sorry, sorry.

All right, Master, what do you say we throw caution, and our rationality, to the wind and go on an adventure!?

I just bet there's a new knight out there waiting for us!

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Ooh, I'd love to see you when you're not in your right mind, Master! Why don't we go crazy together!?

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Aww.

I was hoping losing my mind completely would let us get more...intimate...

Yeah, no, I would've stopped you long before it came to that!

Why couldn't you have taken the last thirty percent of my reason while you were at it!?

Um, it's not like I did any of that on purpose, you know...

Why? Why!? Whyyy!?

Wh-whoa, whoa! Easy there!

Sheesh. I guess even having some reason isn't enough to make life easy.

As someone with very little reason, I have to say, I really respect you, Mas

Whyyyyyy!?

Aaah!