Empress+

...Hoho, when did the palace start allowing any old mongrel off the street inside?

Someone must have felt sorry for her. Just look at that mane of bristles she calls hair. I only hope her stink doesn't rub off on us.

I heard she's from the Bing Province, of all places. Ugh, I can smell the dirt on her all the way over here. I'll have to have someone sweep up after her, to make sure she doesn't leave any yellow sand on the floor.

It doesn't matter how ostentatiously she dresses up. She'll always be a peasant at heart. You know what they say, "Can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear."

She doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning the emperor's favor... Hohoho...

Haha, hahahaha...

Good morning to Wu!

Kehehe, but of course.

After all, a dynamic empire needs an energetic empress!

...

Indeed, energy is absolutely crucial!

If you like, I could run around this room right now to show you just how energetic I am.

Of course, it would be an imperial crisis if my noble feet were to get tired, so it would have to be you doing the running.

But I am gracious enough to let you choose whether you will carry me via shoulder ride or piggyback.

How dare you speak to me so casually! Are you looking for a bit of morning torture? Is that it?

Nn... Never mind...

...Well, I suppose you did not know what you were saying, since you have only just woken up.

Normally I would torture you for your insolence, but in this case, I suppose I will just have to chalk this up to a slip of the tongue brought on by your overwhelming affection for me.

It would seem you get to live another day! Keh heh heh!

？！

？！

At any rate, it is time we got down to business. Are you ready to leave?

？！

No! Do not call for them! Er, that is not to say I would find their presence at all perturbing, but do not call for them nonetheless!

No! This does not concern the cat!

Wait. Don't look under the bed! The little fur ball isn't hiding there, is he?

I checked thoroughly for signs of his presence before I came in, but I did not check under there!

？！

...Ahem.

As you know, I once came up with a plan to overcome the closest thing I had to something resembling a weakness.

Naturally, it succeeded brilliantly. Any fears I may or may not have once had are now completely gone.

Hey! I see the doubt in your eyes! I am telling you, my fears are now well and truly conquered!

Which is why today, we will be taking the next step in the plan.

Last time, we overcame my few weaknesses. Today, we will be improving my myriad strengths!

Worry not. This will not be nearly the ordeal that last time was.

We will simply be doing what is necessary to improve upon what I already possess.

It will be like reviewing for a test, or exercising to stay in shape...

While I am not usually in the habit of borrowing words from Xuanzang Sanzang, I believe we could call this "training"!

？！

Good, good. I knew you had some sense.

That is a must, if you are going to rule this land alongside me.

I swear, he is such a pushover if I just invite him, so why do I... (Muttering)

No, never mind.

Now then, I already know which strength of mine we are going to improve first.

I speak, of course, of the element that is so synonymous with me that it is forever tied to my name:

Beauty!

？！

Indeed. Now, now, I know what you're thinking. How could I possibly need to be more beautiful than I already am?

I understand your confusion, but there can be no limit to the pursuit of beauty.

I myself would be willing to consume all of creation in if it would improve my complexion. Keh heh heh.

And since men are helpless in the face of beauty, one could say that men are also driven to pursue it endlessly.

And so, beauty is an essential trait for any empress.

Though I of course have plenty to spare now, I could always stand to have more... The more the better, in fact!

That is the essence of beauty!

Now, let us be on our way! I already have a teacher in mind to help with my beauty training!

It is I!

How nice of you to simply drop in without an appointment!

...Oops. I responded in my public official mode purely by reflex. Well, never mind that now.

If it isn't Master and the Chinese empress. I never thought I'd receive a visit from both of you at once.

？！

Ah, but thanks to my frighteningly sharp intellect, I can guess exactly why you're here. Hehe.

You came to ask about my beauty secrets, didn't you!?

Why yes, I did!

No wonder you once ruled over all of ancient Egypt! It seems wisdom truly is a trait shared by all empresses...

As a matter of fact, I just happened to finish a beauty training session right before you called.

It is not hard to believe, then, that my even-stronger-than-usual beaura leaked out from my room...

...and enticed one seeking to improve her own beauty.

？！

What do you mean? Surely you've seen it when I fight, haven't you?

Especially when enemies are falling left and right in the face of the Pharaoh Fighting Style's sheer beauty.

Though I suppose you might not have heard the term "beaura" before, since I coined it myself by combining "beauty" and "aura."

？！

You may be surprised to know I train, but beauty is something that must be constantly refined.

It is not enough to simply be born with it. You also need to work for it.

The moment you begin to rest on your laurels is the moment your beauty begins to fade away.

Every woman understands that, especially noblewomen who use their beauty as a weapon.

Well put. I could not have said it better myself.

The more I look at you, the more I see your beauty is the genuine article. An empress does indeed embody the truth of beauty better than anyone.

Indeed, and since we are both empresses, there is no one better suited than you to aid me in my Beauty Level Up Plan.

For the time being, I shall call you Měi-shé, for "Beautiful Snake"!

Is that a nickname? Hmm, I'm not sure how I feel about that.

The only nickname I'm accustomed to is when Lord Caesar pulls me into his arms and calls me his little pussycat...

Still...Měi-shé isn't bad. There's something elegant about it...

Very well, I will allow you to call me by that name.

Perhaps I will even call you Nite-Brite in exchange.

？！

Oh? I guess you haven't heard about the cutting-edge training system I designed then, Master.

I had Da Vinci set it up for me and she finished making it just the other day.

This system makes it easy to stay fit and beautiful. It's so much fun! It feels like playing a video game!

It's still currently in the testing phase, but I'm considering manufacturing and selling it on the open market if it goes well.

Oho, interesting. So you use that large screen up on the wall?

That's right. If you wish to refine your beauty like I do mine, then I strongly encourage you to give it a try.

Okay, Nite-Brite, would you mind standing in front of the monitor?

Very well.

Now what?

Once you begin the game, you will see beautiful things popping up on the screen one after another.

All you need to do is match their beautiful poses.

Here, it will be much faster and easier if you just see for yourself.

Are you ready? Then here we go!

............

Wat.

？！

I see you are so impressed you are completely at a loss for words!

Indeed, this beauty training regimen is nothing short of perfect!

This is the video game that can help anyone become beautiful simply by posing in time with the screen...

The Pharaoh Fit!

I-I see. Forgive me, I was a bit taken aback. I never knew something like this was even possible.

So, you are saying I simply need to match your figure on the screen...

...and that merely by contorting my body like a shrimp, showing off my back, closing one eye, and smiling...

...I can become more beautiful than I already am...?

Hmm. I can see by the sheer confidence you radiate that the answer is yes.

I see, I see. We empresses may be fickle, but we are certainly not liars.

Very well then, it would seem this is exactly the exercise regimen I have been looking for!

From one empress to another, I salute you! Keh heh heh!

I'm not surprised, since there is no disputing that my program is perfect, but I'm glad to see you understand nonetheless.

I commend you for your keen eye! Hohohoho!

？！

You know, when I showed it to Lord Caesar in the hope that he would use it to slim down a bit, he told me...

"Yes, I understand the gist, but since subliminal advertising is prohibited by law, I'm afraid this will never do."

Then he just left, bemoaning what a tragic shame it was that his respect for the law prevented him from using it.

And here I thought he would be thrilled with the idea of an exercise game that runs at 60 CPS (Cleopatras per second)...

I guess there truly is more to success than simply building a fabulous product...

Men who are able to truly appreciate the effort that goes into real beauty are few and far between. Never mind that they are the ones who most demand it.

There were scant few exceptions to be found even in all of China. The sooner you accept that that is simply how men are, the happier you will be.

At any rate, now that I understand how this regimen works, I think I will begin my training right away.

Oh yes, make sure you keep your eyes on me, Master! I want you to witness me growing more beautiful with every passing moment yourself!

？！

Oh, I almost forgot to mention. The game tracks your score, so I recommend you try to beat your own personal bests as you go!

You'll score extra points if you pose at just the right time.

I doubt you will reach my high score, since you lack the divine protection of Isis, but I am willing to give you hints as needed.

All right, let the Pharaoh Beauty Regimen begin!

What was that thing!?

How rude! I'll have you know that "thing" was the beautiful Medjed!

？！

What I mean is, what am I supposed to do when it shows up?

Heh, you truly need to ask? Your body should know what to do instinctively in the face of such divine beauty.

That said, I suppose I can't blame you for your ignorance, as our cultures are quite different.

Medjed is a bonus character. You can get lots of points when it shows up by kneeling and praying at just the right time.

How was I supposed to know that!?

Hmm. I suppose that might not have been the most user-friendly feature.

Very well then, I'll support you from the side for a bit.

Though of course, you will remain the star of this show.

All right, I'm going to unpause it now. After this, we won't be pausing again until the program runs its course.

Now get ready to face an army of beautiful mes!

That's it! Keep it up!

Hngh... Done, done, and done!

Smile, hold my head high, use my index finger to lift a man's chin...

Very good! I can almost see the imaginary vassal gazing longingly up at you now!

Then I put my foot on the kneeling man's head! Again, and again, aaand kick!

And finally...I wrap him up in the rug!

Oh my... That was perfect! I've just seen the birth of true beauty before my very eyes!

(Huff, huff) Y-yes, of course you have.

I was not empress of all China for nothing. This sort of exercise is...trivial... (Cough, gasp, gasp)...

？！

Oh, how considerate of you. Good work.

(Glug, glug)... Ahhh!

Well? Hm? Hm?

Do I look any different to you now that I have completed Měi-shé's beauty regimen?

？！

？！

Keh heh heh! I see, I see! Not that I expected it could be otherwise!

Hehehe, it does look like this program really works.

Unfortunately, I haven't found many other players to test it yet...

...so I'm afraid it might be too difficult to complete without an empress's powerful will.

Oh, I don't think that will be a problem. That's something for the customer to worry about, not the seller.

Just put all that in some fine print in the manual and you'll be aaall set.

Huh!? When did you get here!?

Hiii! I heard you were working on a new product and just had to come see for myself☆

If you decide to sell this product at scale, I hope you'll consider signing an exclusive contract with our association.

It would be a terrible shame to have a good product fail just because its creator doesn't understand how to market it.

Fortunately, we can handle that side of things and then some!

For the TV ad, I'm thinking we get you and the Prince of Lan Ling together so we can cast our net as wide as possible...

Hmm, they seem quite preoccupied over there.

Well, I've done what I came here to do, so let's move on to our next task and leave them to it.

Until next time, Měi-shé! Excellent work today!

I shall have one of my Torturers bring you a reward later!

Giving a pharaoh a reward? How dare you. That would be the height of insolence.

But I will excuse you this one time, so long as you come to visit me again! Perhaps we could do tea next time!

Neehaha, very well then, tea it shall be. I will bring the dim sum.

Farewell! Oh, and one last thing before I go. I am an excellent judge of character...

...and I believe you would do well to have your husband look over that contract before you sign anything.

All right, let's discuss our next task.

Now that I have refined my outer beauty, the next step is to refine my inner beauty.

I speak, of course, of intellect!

？！

As an empressthe very pinnacle of the upper layerI naturally possess a wealth of cultural skills fit for high society.

Those are what I will be refining next.

That certainly applies to the four traditional Chinese skills of a noblenamely, stringed instruments, strategical thinking, calligraphy, and painting...

...but as a woman of culture, I intend to improve my skills in all the finer arts.

And once again, I already know who to ask to be my instructor. Come!

Mmm, there truly is nothing quite like the scent of ink. I have always enjoyed seeing it flow forth in graceful rivers from my brush.

Oh gosh, oh gosh...

Are you sure I'm really qualified to teach calligraphy to the empress of the Tang Dynasty...?

Much of Japan's writing system was borrowed from China to begin with. If anything, I feel like I should be the one asking for instruction...

？！

Thank you, Master. Hearing that from you does make me feel a little better...

Oh, be careful not to slouch. Proper calligraphy comes from proper posture.

？！

Grr. I commend Master's initiative in asking to take this calligraphy class along with me...

...but remember, I am the star of this show. Do not spend all your time looking over his work.

Here, Zǐ (Chinese for "Murasaki"), I have finished writing the sutra you assigned me. Go on then, correct it.

A-all right, let's take a look...

...This is excellent.

What!?

(Flinch)

Yes, I am a great and august empress, so I can understand why you would be so awed in the face of my immense glory...

...but I specifically chose you as my teacher because I recognize your talent surpasses mine in this regard.

I have always said I am an excellent judge of character. You do not wish to make a liar of me, do you?

This is a classroom. There is no need for flattery or formalities here. All you need do is instruct me like any other student.

I-I see...

Set aside the difference in our stations.

This reminds me. There was once a foolish man by the name of Li Jingye who tried to lead a rebellion against me.

He spread essays denouncing me all around my imperial city. They were written extraordinarily well...

Indeed, his writing was so breathtaking as to make him seem to be the second coming of the great Luo Binwang.

I even remember unwittingly shouting at my retainers for letting such an immense talent go unnoticed all that time.

？！

...

I apologize for my rudeness, Lady Wu Zetian.

Though it is still hard for me to believe, I understand very well now that you hold my skills in high esteem.

So I will do my best, such as it is, to live up to your expectations.

I see now that it can be rude to be too deferential, so once again, I apologize for my behavior.

Oh, that is quite all right. The important thing is that you know better now.

All right then, for what it's worth, I'll do my best to correct your sutra now.

Let's see... This should be a little more like this, and this part will be better if...

Hm hm, I see, I see.

N-now, um, as for this part, it...looks like it's substantially different from the source text...?

Oh, that? That is a little something of my own that I added in!

？！

Well, in the middle of a verse that was carefully crafted to explain the teachings of Buddhism, it shifts quite suddenly to say...

..."The empress is as important as the Buddha, and should be respected accordingly."

Oops. A bad habit of mine.

？！

It all goes back to when I was talking to one of the emperor's advisor monks, before I became empress myself.

He said I lacked the foundation I needed to be empress, and that I would never be able to assuage the people's concerns if I remained as I was.

That was when we turned our eyes towards a certain set of sutras which detailed a beautiful woman's rise to power.

He then suggested that I become that woman myself, or rather, that I become something akin to Maitreya.

I thought this was a brilliant new interpretation on his part, so I quickly agreed.

But as I had him write down the sutra's contents, I started to believe that interpretation myself...

And soon, the new sutras we created had spread far and wide, thus securing positions for both of us!

And that has left me in the habit of unconsciously making myself a character in the sutras I copy...

Yes, that about sums it up.

I, uh... I see...

Well, I suppose that doesn't have anything to do with calligraphy, so I'll try not to pay it any mind...

That reminds me... I assume you are well acquainted with Chinese history and philosophy books, yes?

Then I would like you to instruct me in those as well, once we are done with calligraphy.

I mean, yes, I've certainly read such books before...

...but that doesn't mean I have any business teaching them to the empress of the Tang Dynast

I'm sorry, but what is that harp sound I've been hearing?

How delightful... I dove in here like a white swan to a pond because I was told my powers of poetry were needed...

...only to find a woman beautiful enough to make even Sir Lancelot's eyes sparkle in here whispering...

"It's a bit noisy, but...what a beautiful tone..." (Strum)

...right before she blushes in embarrassment... Hehe... It seems like fortune has smiled upon me this year...

So you're the one who's been making that sound!

Don't you know you're supposed to be quiet in libraries, so as not to bother the other readers!? And I never said anything of the sort!

Oh my... Then, did I imagine it all...?

？！

That would be me, of course. Right, right, I very nearly forgot.

Did you not hear me say I wish to improve all my high society skills? Poetry is the next item on my list.

And not only poetry. Any good member of high society should also know how to play an instrument.

I still remember how desperately I played so that the emperor would hear me back when I first joined the Inner Palace...

But enough reminiscing.

I will be ready for you shortly, musician. I merely need to finish my calligraphy training first.

That said, if you have nothing to do right now, perhaps you would play us a song or two?

I could use this chance to fine-tune my pitch before I begin my musical studies in earnest.

Oho... Then I suppose I shall be a fixture in this library for the day.

So be it. I shall be the bird who gives your eyes something pleasing to gaze upon once you and your beautiful teacher have exhausted them.

My trilling could also serve as the background music for your reading.

Very well then, just leave it to me.

When you read a sad scene, I shall play you a sorrowful requiem. When you read a thrilling action scene, I shall play you some rock music that will truly have your pulse pounding.

And in scenes with sweet nothings being whispered, I will serenade you with sweet whispers of my own...

I just told you! Libraries are supposed to be quiet! There will be NO playing of the harp here!

Listen to me. A library is meant to be a solemn paradise where readers can escape the din of the outside world.

If readers are to fully immerse themselves in the worlds written on the many pages contained herein, the library must be a place where the only sounds heard are those of rustling pag

Where goes the music, so goes the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven! That's right, it's Nobbu time, baby!

I heard someone say rock music, so Chaldea's next music festival must be taking place right here. Yeah!!!

Huh, I didn't even know we had a big underground room like this...

It's dark and gloomy, but also full of hopes and dreams... It's the perfect place for a concert hall!

All the more reason I can't sit this one out! Underground or not, my rock 'n' roll is gonna set this place on fire!

No fire in the library!!!

Now who is this noisy one? I didn't invite you here...

Still... Rock and roll, huh. Perhaps it would be worthwhile for me to learn this new kind of music as well.

Wahahaha! That's what I like to hear!

'Course, since rock is all about spirit, just deciding to play makes you a master!

That said, the guitar's a lot harder to play than it looks. Especially the damn F chord.

If you think you can pick it up just like that, you're welcome to try, Chacha-looking girl!

She and I are nothing alike! Our speech patterns and heights are just a bit similar, that's all!

？！

No library should ever abide chaos. Order is essential for both reading and writing.

I am Chaldea's librarian, and so it falls to me to remedy this disturbance!

There WILL be silence here, one way or another!

？！

Neehahaha.

Yes, I forgot to mention I also summoned Hokusai to instruct me in painting, and Zhuge Liang to instruct me in strategy.

...Now that I think about it, perhaps there was no real need to gather them all in one place...

At any rate, getting kicked out of the library did not stop me from completing all my classes outside it.

To think I would learn to play both the harp and the guitar... Sometimes, I even impress myself.

I suppose I will need to prepare a reward for that noisy skull woman too.

Her teaching style, such as it was, may have amounted to little more than shouting "Harder! Faster! More rockin'!" but I appreciate her enthusiasm nonetheless.

At any rate, this should take care of my cultural refinement quite nicely.

Putting aside the fact that Servants are already summoned in the prime of their lives to begin with...

...I daresay I am more beautiful and knowledgeable now than I ever was before!

Indeed, even if I were to return to the Inner Palace as I am now

...Hohoho. Hohohoho...

It doesn't matter how much you polish yourself. What a joke to never receive an invitation from the emperor. You'll never be anything more than a country bumpkin...

Nobody is on your side. Nobody will help you. You should just give up now, before you embarrass yourself even more...

...I won't give up. I'll never give up. As long as I keep working hard, I'm sure that...that...

？！

？！

...I'm fine. I am fine. ...I am just a bit tired.

Just let me rest like this for a while.

...?

Wha...!? I-I never said to give me a piggyback ride!

What's that? ...A reward for your efforts...?

I-I see. Well, I do appreciate your devotion, and an empress should not be so uncouth as to not reward it. Very well, you may carry me if you wish.

What? My next destination? No, I am done with training. Just take me home.

？！

...Maybe next time.

If I do any such training, it will be without you around.

Do not misunderstand me. I am not at all ashamed.

Poison and torture are necessary for the way I run my empire. I am proud to include them among my tools.

I simply do not feel like working on them now, is all.

...Of course I am well aware that you would not enjoy seeing me deploy them.

That is why I did not include them in this recent batch of self-improvement.

What would be the point in improving something that only makes you uncomfortable? What I need is...

...She just doesn't know when to give up. I don't know whether to shed a tear in admiration or pity. Hohoho...

I can't believe she keeps choosing that over trying to curry favor with us, or even with some other authority. What an idiot...

The fact that she really believes the emperor will notice her as long as she tries hard enough just goes to show what a child she is...

That's right. As my Master, I wanted you to think highly of me.

I thought I needed to refine the aspects of me that would make you proud to be seen walking around beside me.

Otherwise, there's a chance you might just...

Aah! Wh-what did I just say? I was completely spacing out!

？！

...I see. Yes, that is right.

It is my own fault for being tired and getting sleepy. It is the fault of your rocking for being so comfortable.

And it is your fault for being so dense. So yes, I was merely talking in my sleep.

There are many different people here, just like in the Inner Palace. People who are waiting for you to talk to them.

I am sure that number will only continue to grow in the future, but...

I want you to call on me more often. I want you to pay more attention to me. It is not every day you have someone as great as me join you, after all.

Not being called makes me feel...lonely.

？！

I-is that so? Neehahaha, indeed, why would you!

Ahh, what a relief... Though now, for some completely unrelated reason, I find myself feeling very excited!

Go on then, speed up! Run like the wind! Surely the honor of carrying me on your back is enough to propel you to run a thousand kilometers with a spring in your step, no?

Come on, keep running! I wonder who is faster, you, or Red Hare? Nyuhuhuhu!

Did somebody call for Red Hare? I'm Lu Bu, but maybe I can still help?

If this is one of those events where they hand out carrots for rewards, I would be willing to run at top speed. Shall we have a race!?

？！

Do not give up now! It is all about how hard you work!

That is the only way you will ever get what you want! Neehahaha...

(Zzz) Nnn... Nyuhuhuhu... Off to the torture chamber with you... (Hrm, hrm)

？！