The Second, or Maybe Third Argonauts Recruitment Contest

... ...(Sigh)

What even am I, anyway...?

Why all the philosophy? We know what we are. You're a Servant. I'm a bear.

Well, wait... No. I'm not a bear. I'm a Servant, too.

I...think?

That's all it took to push you to an identity crisis? Just how fragile is your ego?

Get off my back, would you? So, why WERE you pondering all that anyway?

Well, I mean, I know I'm the captain of a ship.

You USED to be.

I'm still on active duty, dammit!

Sure. Whatever you say, "Captain." Anyway, what about it?

I was just thinking about how I haven't been getting the respect and adoration a captain deserves.

Like, just the other day...

Hey, Master. Grab me some snacks.

Oh, and some tea to go with them.

？！

So? You can afford to slack off a little.

Enough, Jason. If you want something, get it for yourself. Do not ask it of Master.

Relax, Master. You need not move from your seat.

Ugh, the NERVE! You do know I'm a captain, right? I deserve some respect! C'mon, don't make me beg!

I don't know, Jason.

Can you really call yourself a captain when you have neither a ship to sail nor a crew to command?

Okay, I'll give you the ship. But I've still got my crew! ...Right?

No, you do not.

I am a Servant now. I have not thought of you as my superior since I was summoned.

Huh?

Wait here. I will take a survey with the remainder of the former Argonauts.

Wow, that was fast.

I have the results here. Of the ten Argonauts who have thus far been summoned to Chaldea...

...ninety percent report having no respect for you as captain, while the remaining ten percent still think of you as a captain and, quote, "love Lord Jason with all my heart and soul."

Yeah, pretty sure I know who that last one was.

Seriously, though? Medea aside, you're saying none of my crew think of me as their captain anymore!?

... ...

It's no use! No one in Chaldea will ever respect me or see me as a captain!

Hahaha. Well, that's typically how it goes with Servants.

Do not worry about it, Jason. Just being alive is a major accomplishment for you.

What the hell!? Backhand full of knuckles with that compliment!!!

Well, yes.

Man, where's a Berserker like you even get off making smart remarks...

I see. So what you are saying is, you would like me to "chow down" on your brain. That can be arranged!

Whoa, whoa! Hey! Just a little humor from your captain!

So what do you think, Orion?

Isn't Atalante cute when she's curled up purring on Master's bed?

Hell no. I'd take a Siberian tiger over her any day of the week. At least they have toe beans.

(Why does this guy keep putting his foot in his mouth? Is this just his thing?)

No. The problem here is that nobody sees me as their captain anymore.

Oh, that. Can't say I blame them.

I'm not taking this lying down! I'm clawing my way back to my captaincy if it's the last thing I do!

Uh... And how're you gonna do that?

I'll tell you! I'm gonna bring back the Argonauts! Luckily, there's no shortage of potential crew members here!

The only condition for joining will be a willingness to respect their captain: me!

Uh, what about like, strength, skill, and stuff? Isn't that kind of important?

Eh, not worried. Everyone here's got plenty of both, or they wouldn't have been summoned to begin with.

Oh, right. Guess you've got a point there.

On that note: Master!

？！

Lunch can wait.

As of now, I'm officially recruiting new Argonauts!

Eh, I'll join the crew. Seems like it'll be decently fun.

？！

It'd be kind of hilarious if we went to all that trouble and didn't find a single other crew member, though.

Just how stupid are you? This is the ARGO we're talking about! She's the greatest, most ancient ship of heroes in the whole world!

And I'm her captain! We're gonna have people from all over lining up for a chance to join!

Okay, I have to ask. Where is all this confidence coming from? It seems totally unfounded.

The sea? Space? Radio waves?

Ha! When you get on my level, an endless wellspring of confidence bubbles eternally within you! You can quote me on that!

Not...sure why anyone would want to do that, but okay.

That said, it would suck pretty hard if no one showed up...

Okay! What we need here is...some good, old-fashioned advertising!

Good luck with that.

？！

What do you mean? You two are gonna help me.

How do you figure that!?

Thank you. Come get your recycled paper. I mean...

We're officially recruiting new Argonauts! How'd you talk me into this!?

？！

And why're you helping too, Master!?

？！

Bahahahaha! Good, good! Excellent, even! Keep it up!

What do you think you're doing!? You should be handing these out, too!

I know that! Argonauts! I'm officially recruiting new Argonauts!

The time, date, and place of the interview are all on the flyer! Think of it like applying for a part-time job! Real casual!

You're way more desperate than you're letting on, aren't you?

Can you imagine anything more hellish than a hyped up job interview where no one shows up?

The HR rep waiting with a puzzled expression... The executive fiddling with their phone...

The new college graduate so intimidated by the negative atmosphere they can't even make themself knock on the door...

You are...weirdly knowledgeable about this. It's depressing me now too! Cut it out!

So this is how I'm going to get the word out. All right folks, step right up and join the Argonauts!

Act now, and you'll get a ten thousand QP signing bonus!

What do you think this is? Some kind of loyalty program at a fast food shop?

？！

Hopefully from you, Master!

？！

...I'm Jason, and I'll be conducting the interviews today.

I'm Orion. I'll be helping with them too. What am I doing here, you ask?

I'm here because it was the only safe place I could find to hide from Artemis.

？！

And I'm Mash, interview assistant.

How're we looking? Decent numbers out there?

Yes, we do. In fact, there are quite a lot of Servants gathered outside.

Sounds like the Argonauts' name still has a lot of pull.

Right? Right?

Hey. Hey Mash. Are there any cute girls out there?

U-um

On second thought, don't tell me. I want it to be a pleasant surprise!

I see. Then I'll start the interviews now.

Shall I call them in one at a time?

Sounds good!

Okay then, let's get started!

... ...

... ...

All right, um, tell us your name, class, and special abilities.

Arjuna Alter. Berserker.

I'm confident in my ability to destroy just about any evil enemy we could encounter...

Well, uh, for the time being...you're hired...

You're hiring him!? I thought you wanted Greek heroes!?

Having a guy like him on board is gonna give us cred out the wazoo!

It's gonna give us a hell of a lot more than that!

So I'm hired? Understood...

Okay, next!

Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock, ticktock, ticktock, ticktock, ticktock...

...Name?

Oh, yes!

Mephistopheles, Caster, at your service!

My specialties include bombs, spying, philosophizing, and bombs.

Uh, okay. What do you think, Captain?

You're hired!

Woohoo! I'm hired!

Mmm, I've never been hired in a job interview like this before! I can't believe my luck!

Why, I feel inspired and daring! Intrepid and raring! Jovial, joyous, jubilant, and jocular!

Master! Captain! Future coworkers! I'll be seeing you all!

Oh, and here. A bomb for the road.

Just go already!

？！

Are you sure keeping that one around is a good idea?

Oh, it'll be fine.

The Argonauts wouldn't be the Argonauts without characters like him!

Next!

Hi there, I'm Jaws. I really like the sea.

...You're hired!

He is!?

Yaaay.

？！

...Okay, maybe I was a little hasty with that one.

Forget hasty. You just ran headlong off a cliff with that one.

For that matter, where'd that guy even come from? The simulator? Was he an illusion?

Eh, he should at least be okay as a cabin boy. Next!

I'm Artemis, an Archer♡ My special ability is beating my darling to hell and back♡

We're not hiring her, right? Right? RIGHT!?

My lady, I would be honored if you would join our crew.

Yay, I did it! Okay, Darling, as soon as these interviews are over...

...you and I are going to have a looong talk about all the time you've spent running away from me lately.

No, please! You got it all wrong!

...Okay, let's get back on track.

？！

You know, if you guys wanted to throw all this out and just start over, I wouldn't say no.

Darling?

It's nothing, babe! Whatever you want to say to me, I'm here to listen!

Oh good♪ All right, that's all from me.

Man, you must love flirting with death almost as much as girls.

I get it. I totally get it.

The Argo is a ship. And a ship...needs an idol to keep its crew entertained!

I...guess?

And then you have those singing fish or birds or whatever they are to worry about, right? Sirens, I think?

R-right.

Yeah, I guess we do run into sirens out at sea now and then.

Odysseus sure had a tough time with them.

Their song lures people to their deaths, right? That's so messed up. Singing should help people, not hurt them.

(You might, uh, wanna check in on the effect your singing is having on people, Elly...)

Well, you won't have to be afraid of them anymore! Not with me around!

Well...I guess fighting song with song isn't the weirdest idea I've ever heard...

I dunno. What if pitting two kinds of singing monsters against each other results in a synergistic effect that makes their song even deadlier?

We've got Master around to take care of things if that happens!

？！

All right, you're hi

Okay, I've said my piece. Next!

...Next?

I'm Elisabeth Báthory. I'm here to take a job as your songstress!

I'm Elisabeth Báthory. I came here to be your singing hero!

I'm Magus Aegis Elisabeth Channel. No relation to Elisabeth Báthory.

I'm not especially interested in being a sailor either, but now that I've taken the job, I'll perform it to the best of my ability.

I'm Magus Aegis Elisabeth Channel Mk.II. A pleasure.

...I don't need to say anything else, right? Then I won't.

La la laaa♪

That's right, it's meee♪ The girl most admired by ruffians and sailors everywhere, Cinderella Mermaaaid♪

I'll wash the grime off your shiiip♪ Like so much sea-foooam♪

？！

La la laaa♪ I can't heaaar yooou♪

There're too many of you!

I have so many spots on the crew! If I hired you all, Elisabeths would take up most of those spots!

What's wrong with that!?

We need diversity! This is supposed to be the Argonauts, not the Elisanauts!

Well, they certainly have class diversity...

If we hired them all, we'd only be missing an Archer...and Mecha Eli-chan has long-range attacks covered, so...

Stop that. You stop that right now.

What's the big idea!? We took time out of our suuuper busy schedules to come and apply, only to...to...

... ...

"Elisanauts"?

Elisanauts...

Elisanauts, huh...

I think it bears consideration.

Good point. It has a lot more potential than a bunch of creaky old Argonauts.

I thiiink♪ We might be on to something heeere♪

Yeah!

Think about it: a crew made up entirely of Elisabeths, for Elisabeths, sailing a boat called the Elisabeth!

Sorry, Puppy!

Instead of joining your crew, I'm gonna form my own instead!

Okay, guys, let's go! Elisanauts, set sail! Forward, to adventure!

Yeeeah!

...Phew.

Wow, we were dangerously close to becoming the Elisanauts... Actually, that sounds hilarious.

Not to me, it doesn't! Where would I fit in among the Elisanauts!?

Man, that was scary. I feel like I just narrowly avoided being eaten alive by something terrifying.

Hmm. The E-Virus... A plague that turns everything it touches into E, the perfect insider...

？！

How can you be so unfazed, Master!?

Hahahaha!

You should have told me about this sooner, Master! This is right up my alley!

Thomas Alva Edison. Former Presi-King, current Caster, and future Argonaut!

I-I see. So, what can you do?

Why, publicity, of course.

Under my supervision, the Argo...

...could end up just like this!

That's horrifying! You leave my ship alone! Don't even touch it!

But my good man, you can't rely on so obsolete a design forever.

Which is precisely why I'm willing to share all the many ideas I've been mulling over since I saw your flyer!

Like what?

For example, with the glorious power of electricity at our command, this is what it could look like at night.

Have at least a little restraint, man! It looks like a walkuh, sailing arcade!

Correct! That's exactly what I had in mind!

Over my dead body! Rejected!

...Unless you can promise not to make any modifications without running them past me first. Do that, and you're hired!

Hmm. All right, you've got yourself a deal. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go draw up some plans!

Haaahahaha! The great age of direct current is nearly upon us now!

Are you sure about this?

It'll be fine. I'll only okay a few of them.

If he just wants to make the ship stand out more, I can live with that.

Fine. Okay, Mash, bring in the next applicant, please!

I heard that mangy plebeian was hired!

Yeah, yeah, you're hired, too!

Okay, that makes six Servants, not including the Ellys.

...Honestly, I'd rather it was just five, but I'm too scared to say anything.

Hmm. I still don't have a first mate...

？！

Good question...

Since I'm a Saber, the strongest class around, I'd want someone who could play a good support role.

Someone who's coolheaded, intelligent, and isn't afraid to give me advice.

So...someone who'd be good at keeping your selfish impulses in check.

Shut up, you. Anyway, my point is, someone like that'd be perfect!

Oh, well, our final three applicants all fit that description perfectly.

That said, only one of them is a Caster...

Whoa, really!? That's perfect! They're all hired!

You're taking on THREE first mates!?

Two heads are better than one, right? So three heads have gotta be better than two.

Plus, this way, I can just take whoever's suggestion I like best. My job will be so easy!

Yeah, I don't see things going anywhere near that smoothly...

Okay, everyone, come in, please!

I'm Kriemhild. I don't entirely remember why I decided to apply. So, you want me to destroy boats? Is that right?

Semiramis, Assassin. Now, where is my throne?

I definitely don't remember signing up for this.

...Hang on.

Wooow. Three beauties, each one deadlier than the last.

Is it too late to ask them to leave? All kidding aside, I seriously don't think I'd survive in this crowd.

I do love 'em, though... Can't hate chicks quite that hot...

I will never understand why you are just constantly tempting fate like this.

？！

Coolheaded, intelligent, and not afraid to tell the captain what they think. They can even provide support in battle, I guess.

And they can definitely keep your selfish impulses in check. No question there.

That's weird. They're pretty much perfect for the job.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No way! No freaking way!

There's playing with fire, and there's playing with nitroglycerin! No thanks! That's YOUR thing!

What was that!?

I'll have you know I'm totally fine handling nitroglycerin as long as it's in the form of a hot chick!

But I have zero interest in messing with plain old nitroglycerin!

How do you look at this group and see anything BUT plain old nitroglycerin!?

You have no idea what actual nitroglycerin is, do you!?

One time, I didn't go see Artemis 'cause she was going to a girls' night out...

...and the next day, she still got angry at me for not coming to see her!

What was I supposed to do!? I tell you, my life flashed before my eyes!

I'll take these chicks over that anytime! At least they'd let me plead my case, maybe beg for my life a little!

For one thing, none of them are first mate material! They all look ready to mutiny, kill me, and take the ship for themselves!

Honestly, that'd be getting off easy. Never forget: there are fates far worse than death.

Good point!

I bet Medea in particular would keep running me ragged until I was literally just skin and bones.

Like a Dragon Tooth Warrior or something.

I see. Now I understand where you're coming from, Jason. On another note, have you heard the phrase "cut to the quick"?

Oh, hell.

Hmm, impressive. I did not even have time to use my poison.

Or I, my sword.

Hmm. If the captain's died in an unfortunate accident, why don't we change the name from "Argonauts" to "Fleet Kriemhild"

Hell no!

Oh. Pity.

I swear, you don't even think twice about scheming or attacking someone when they're down, do you!? I know that's nothing new for Anti-Heroes, but still!

I'm still amazed you got back up after that.

？！

Rejected!

But I know it won't be so easy. We'll have to fight for the captain's chair!

If I win, you all do what I say. If you win...

Eh, the three of you can decide among yourselves who'll be the next captain. You can even change the ship's name if you want!

Oho. I see.

Hmm... Hmm.

Master.

If I were to, hypothetically, kill a Servant and make it look like an accident, how much trouble would I be in?

Could you at least TRY to be subtle about it!?

But, I guess this works out nicely. Okay, let's see which of us is the true captain, here and now!

Master! Get the combat simulator ready!

？！

Orion!

Yeah!?

...Would you please call Lady Artemis?

Good point! I'm not gonna be much help like this!

Goddamn, that was close! But I did it!

Unfortunate. It seems you and I fell for the same trap, Kriemhild.

It seems so.

The moment he told us we could decide amongst ourselves who would be captain, I could not help but see both of you as my enemies.

But it seems my idea to drag you both down over the course of this battle only backfired.

Besides which, our presence here was merely out of curiosity about the Argonauts. Our teamwork was lacking to say the least.

It's always like that with him. I'm honestly not sure whether he's naturally cunning, or just that shameless.

All right, so we're all agreed I'm the captain here, yeah!?

...Very well. We will honor our agreement and serve as your first mates.

However, the instant I see an opening, I will cut off your head. I trust you understand this?

...You don't need three first mates, right? I'm leaving.

Hey! Where're you going? I've still got a bunch of spots on the crew that need filling!

You really are an idiot, aren't you?

All right. Try calling your new Argonauts to you right now.

Huh?

Argonauts, assembleee!

Unassemble! Unassemble!!!

See? Idiot.

Wait, wait. I get the new guys, but what are the rest of you doing here!?

What do you mean? You called for the Argonauts.

Man, screw that. Who're these chumps? They got no business here!

Hmph. You're not wrong, but still!

No, no. You're right. I'm sorry I even materialized here.

But, that aside, my name was technically on the roster, so...

Oh, I also have a message from the big Orion. He said, "I'll leave this one to the bear."

Darliiing, there's no room here! I don't like iiit!

Hey, I didn't expect half the damn world to show up!

Jason, I'm honestly not sure whether people love or hate you at this point.

So...this must mean you all DO see me as your revered captain.

I never said anything of the sort. We do not revere you.

Absolutely not.

You? Revered? Not a chance in hell.

A second ago you love me, now you're giving me the cold shoulder!?

Ah, got it. So you all see him as your captain, but none of you really look up to the guy.

So, you're friends.

That's what Darling says every time I find him getting cozy with a girl♪

C'mon, don't make him feel any worse. But hey, at least this means they like you after all, so you're good, right?

No, I'm not!

Love me! Hate me! I don't care! I want to be REVERED! I want people to gaze upon me in awe and praise me to high heaven!

Hm? Lord Jason! There's a ship coming this way!

Is that ship...is it called the "Elisabeth"?

Ah, ah, ahhh♪ Testing, testing, one two threeee♪

Okay, everyone, look alive! See the Argonauts over there!?

Let's take them down with our singing, our bravery, and our power. We'll show them this is the age of the Elisanauts!

Okay!

They appear to be attacking.

Ugh, dammit! And before we've even set sail once! All hands, defensive positions! Long-range fighters, get ready to attack!

Caenis! Mandricardo! Dioscuri! You guys'll lead the counterattack! Board them on my signal!

Chiyome! Corday! You two, get in behind them and attack while they're occupied with the rest of our forces!

As for you two

...Tch. How dreadfully dull.

Quite. Now we have no choice but to fulfill our duty as first mates.

He has absolutely no charisma. His enemies don't find him the least bit intimidating.

But there is just something about him that makes everyone want to pat him on the shoulder and say, "I'll take care of this."

Maybe that's just how the captain of the Argonauts should be.

They are nothing if not a strong-willed bunch. I would have my hands full simply getting them to cooperate.

What do you think about taking orders for a change, Queen of Poison?

...An interesting thought exercise, but no. I do not take orders.

So, I will leave the rest to you, Kriemhild.

Yes, yes. I expected you might say as much. Still, with so many people present...

He is a far luckier man than he realizes.

Is that not what makes this all so entertaining?

And finally...Heracles! The man we've all been waiting for! Are you ready, big guy!?

You good to go, Master?

？！

All right then... Let's do this!

Yeah!

I-I'm exhausted... I need to divide up my crew...(huff) before I die from overwork...

Are you all right, Lord Jason? Shall I cast a healing spell?

No. Thank. You. Just save those for Master.

Ugh. I'm freakin' wiped. I never wanna work another day in my life... Not that this counts as a real job, but still...

Wasn't it nice to see everyone again, though? Didn't this bring back wonderful memories of our time on the Argo?

Of course no

...Maybe a little.

Tell no one.

Of course♪