Haley's Story

Huff, huff, there you are, Master! Huff... huff...

Greetings, human Master! I am First... Vanguard Officer... of the Elven Army... huff... huff...

No! There's no time for this. I must get straight to the point!

I am Haley, First Vanguard Officer of the Elven Army. We finally meet!

Just basic officer tracking skills. That's all. No need to get into the details, though...

It's a pleasure to meet you! Absolutely wonderful!

I'm about to tell you something extremely important, so listen up, Master.

Shh! Keep your voice down. No one can hear about this.

Human Master, as First Vanguard Officer of the Elven Army, I propose that humans and elves begin peace talks right here in Werebeast Forest.

As Vanguard Officer and diplomat of the Elven Federation, I, Haley, have come to propose an alliance with you, Master!

That's right! Do you know how long I've been looking for you? We've finally met now, so all is well.

...Has Butter turned into a cow or something?! What are you talking about?!

I, Haley, First Vanguard Officer of the Elven Invasion Forces, am not the type of great elf to talk nonsense about serious matters!

We don't have time to waste like this!

Forces that are trying to sabotage our alliance are coming after me to stop the negotiations!

What does it matter?! Now's not the time for this... Come with me to Monatium right now.

We need to get Elena and bring formal negotiations to the table.

I told you we don't have time for that! Human, you are really being frustrating!

Why are you dragging your feet on this human-elf alliance proposal? Don't tell me you're already preparing for war?!

Then why?! If the forces trying to sabotage us get in our way, then...

Haley! Do you have any idea how worried I was?!

Ugh, we're too late... You ruined all my plans, human Master! You just had to waste so much time!

Opposition Leader! Traitorous maniacal doctor! Speak! Which elf sold me out and gave away my location?!

I'm sure you were in the middle of getting treated... How did you wind up all the way here?

Aaargh!! No matter what you do to stop me, I'll find a way to complete my mission!

I'm Haley, First Vanguard Officer of the Elven Army!

You dare come and try to stop our negotiations, traitor?! Do you think you'll get away with this?!

As a political officer sworn to defend Elven society, I'll see you answer for your crimes once these negotiations are done!

I'm not a traitor, it's me, Hilde!

I was treating you at the hospital until not too long ago. Take a good look!

Nonsense! I was carrying out my mission to find this human, the Master!

I was just about to complete my mission, too, you maniacal doctor...!!

*Sigh*... For your sake, Haley, I truly didn't want to resort to this, but I have no other choice.

Human Master! Come with me to Monatium City Hall right now! We must go and conduct peace negotiations there with Elena!!

No one can stop me from completing my mission!!

Master, grab Haley's left arm and hold her tight!

Why are you grabbing my arm, Master?! Why are you listening to that traitor?!!

Lift!

Let go of me! I'm not going!! I won't go!! I absolutely refuse to go along with that traitor!

Run and carry her to my hospital before she gets even more agitated!! Quick!!

Why the heck did you drag me here?!

Please clam down, Haley!

You maniacal doctor...! Don't think you've won!

You've only managed to pause my diplomatic project for now.

Yes, yes, okay, just stay still so I can put in the IV drip! You're going to hurt yourself like this!

I don't know what that is! Why would I just let you put that in me?! What am I? Your test subject or something?!

Master, listen carefully. You must not let that maniacal doctor fool you!!

Lethe, quick, I need you over here!!

Haley again? I told you we should tie her up, didn't I?

And who the heck are you now?! What are you trying to do to me? Don't tell me you're working with that maniacal doctor, too!

Hurry!

O-Okay, I'm on it... Hey Haley, take a good look at this, okay?

Urgh... uurgh... hnnngh...

Good now? Okay, I'm out.

Haley, how are you feeling?

Ugh... Doctor...? Wh-Where am I...?

You're at my hospital. You were being treated here.

Wow... why does my left arm ache so much...?

The Master grabbed you by the arm when bringing you here from Werebeast Forest earlier...

I told you to hold her tight, yes, but I didn't tell you to hurt her, did I?

...You're the one who wrecked my arm like this, Master...?

My right arm...? Now that you mention it, it does seem to hurt more...

Anyway, you must be tired from causing all that commotion, Haley. I'll give you a sedative, so get some rest.

Ow... What's wrong with my arm...? Hmm zzz...

I suppose things worked out in the end. Thanks for the help, Master.

Ah, right, you wouldn't know about this, Master... Haley suffers from a strange condition.

Yes. The fact is... back when the elves invaded Earth, Haley was an elven political officer.

But when the invasion failed and the elves were defeated, she suffered a great shock and developed PTSD.

The PTSD caused her to start developing quite severe delusions.

That's right. Calling me a traitor, causing a scene at the hospital... It's all due to those delusions.

Right. Haley is a great elf. Even during her time as an officer, she was an exemplary soldier.

Seeing her suffer from that illness makes me want to help her get better as soon as possible. But...

I'm starting to doubt whether the treatment's even helping. Every time she seems to improve, she goes and causes a scene... no matter where we are.

Still, I'm a bit relieved since I found a new form of treatment for her recently.

You saw Lethe and her laser pointer earlier, right? It works quite well.

I never intended to find out about it either... Let's just say I stumbled upon it.

Doctor! Dr. Hilde! We have a problem!!

What happened?!

Lethe is going wild with her laser again on patients! Please get her to stop!!

Argh, that phantom... Master! I'm going to go deal with Lethe, so please keep an eye on Haley for me.

If you press this button attached to the IV drip here, it'll give her an extra dose of the sedative, and she'll fall back to sleep.

But I gave her enough of the sedative earlier, so she won't wake that easily. I'll be back before you know it!

Arrrrgh! It's a sonic attack from the Sirius Star Fleet!! Neutralize the neck right away!!

Welcome to Monatium 25.

Oh, it's that elf again. She'll just browse for aaaages without buying anything again...

Well, hello there, Spicy Chicken Ramen! I've really missed you!

Why does she always show up alone around this time, mumbling to herself? It's so annoying...

And of all places, she always stands right where I can see her—me, the Magic Bullet Slinger. What's her deal?

Ahem... I'm just browsing, so no need to keep such a close eye on me.

Oh, absolutely... please take your time...!

Hmm, no, wait... I have been to the Light and Dark Divide! My Xion senses are going wild...!

Wait! Has she realized I'm THE Dark Bullet of the Darknet?! Could it be... that I have a fan?!

Ugh, that aggressive stare... It's so intense I can't just ignore it...!!

Oof, I can't let a fan see me being so disgraceful...

I wonder how she recognized who I was. Hah! Have I already gained such superfans?! Alas, the burden of fame strikes again!

All I'm doing is looking around... I won't touch anything...

I, the black light of Elias and master of surging dark energy, Xion, shall GRANT you the chance to reveal the truth!

Listen, elf, speak the truth at once and prepare yourself for account deletion, hehe...!

Excuse me!

I am not the type of great elf to secretly steal food and run away!

...Huh?

I, Haley, First Vanguard Officer of the Elven Invasion Forces, swear on my honor that I will not steal this Spicy Chicken Ramen!

So please, stop looking at me suspiciously like I'm some kind of thief.

Oh, th-that's not it... Wait... are you not my fan...?

...Your fan?

Er... on the Darknet... The Lonesome Adventures of the Dark Ranger Who Walks—you know... Dark Bullet?

What are you talking about? I told you I'm here to check ou the Spicy Chicken Ramen because I'm hungry!

Curses!! This is so, so, SO embarrassing!!

I know I've burned through the retirement pension that Elena provides for this month, and I'm only here in the convenience store staring longingly, but...

I'm an elf who's led the mighty elven army at the frontline... an officer who lives by honor!

I'm sorry!! Please don't submit a complaint about me to my boss... *sob*...

You see, I used to be an elven political officer back when we elves invaded Earth.

Oh, absolutely! I see—Wait... This is so out of the blue!

We had grand ambitions! We planned to take over Earth and turn it into a planet just for elves!

Picture it... Earth, reborn in the hands of elves... Isn't the thought alone breathtaking?

This was not just my dream alone... it was the grand aspiration of all elves.

Ah... Sure, sure... I see... Riiight...

We finally started to turn this into a reality.

We selected elite agents equipped for meticulous ops and execution, and relentlessly subjected them to unimaginably intense training.

Ah... Er, I see... meh...

And then came the fated day! The day we invaded Earth!

The battle cries of human soldiers and my elven forces, the hail of bullets over the battlefield, the downpour of artillery shells...

We'd expected a fierce fight, but we were not ready for the intensity of their resistance... It left us quite rattled.

Oh, what?! This is actually pretty interesting! This is perfect for my Dark Ranger!

...And? What did you do?

The cries of my soldiers from that desperate battle still ring through my ears...

However, I had to leave them behind, grit my teeth, and carry the war forward. That was my duty, after all.

Unnngh... As expected of the Dark Ranger... Heroes walk a lonely road...!

Heeheehee! This is what I've been waiting for! My Dark Ranger will be REBORN with this story...!!

The odds were stacked against us, but I, Officer Haley, did not yield. The worse it got, the more I pushed us forward, forward, ever forward!

For the sake of our grand aspiration... to take Earth with renewed vigor! All forces, charge!!

Chaaaarge!! ...Wait, continue... What happened next?!

I was leading the charge at the front lines, when from behind—

When from behind—

When from behind...!!

Ugh, I'm so hungry... Even in the heat of war, I never faltered...

But I'm sorry... I can't go on like this... I'm too hungry.

What?! You're ending it there?! What is this, some kind of soap opera cliffhanger?!

Tch, just when the grand stage of my Dark Ranger was about to unfold...!!

I'm exhausted... I don't really want to resort to THAT method just to help me win this battle against hunger.

It's too extreme... Even if it gives me the caloric intake of a bowl of rice...!

Aww... Please tell me more of your story!!

Please... let me leave with what little dignity I have left.

I refuse to let it finish like this...!! Gah, do I have no choice but to resort to that...?!

It must be done. To perfect my Dark Ranger alter ego, I will endure the agony and make a sacrifice... a DARK OFFERING!

Wait!

Here, have this!

But... I don't have any money to pay for it...

It's past the expiration date, so it's free. Still totally edible, trust me... I've had more than a few. To be honest, I kinda stashed it for myself...

Ooh! Excellent! Thank you so much. I'll remember your help, truly!

...If you're hungry, doesn't staring at the food here make you feel hungrier?

Sometimes, just staring and fantasizing about eating it can actually help.

Ugh, why do I keep feeling bad for her? I'm the cold, solitary Black Flash of Elias... there's no warmth in me!!

How about this? Since you usually come by around this time...

Yes?

I'll give you a free bento like today whenever you visit.

Really?!!

In return, you tell me more of that Dark Ran—I m-mean that war story from earlier.

Oh, that's not hard at all, since the images of that war still linger in my mind.

...Deal?

Deal!

Sweet! Not only do I get to help a hungry elf, I can develop my Dark Ranger character, too!

Hehehe, this is the mighty mind of Dark Bullet, the hero of darkness, at work...

I assure you, Her Majesty's runaway companion, Marie, was at home. There is simply no other place for her to be.

...I'm telling you... Pop one in your gob, and you just can't stop... blah, blah, blah...

See? What did I say?! Come on, follow me.

Cheesecake? Ugh... that's so difficult, Haley! But still, I think chocolate cake is the—

Your Majesty! What on earth are you doing here?!

Aaahhh!!

Nnhh... Erping's not hurr...!

Master! Tell her it's not me! Hurry!

...Your Majesty...

Nnhh... Wrrng blnkt... Not Erping...!

Don't just stand there watching, help me out...!

Ugh, why?! People in power need to stick together in times like these! Blood is thicker than water, but people in power are thicker than both, you know?!

What's going on? What does the Queen want help with?

Argh... If you don't help me... I'll... I'll...

I'll tell Ner about how you always put off writing your diary entries and rush them at the last moment!

Hmm... Are you telling me that the Queen is in a critical situation right now...?

Hm? What do you mean?

What would happen if I said she's really the Queen?

Hmm... It seems the Queen is in a dangerous situation.

Master?

Anyone can tell that is Her Majesty talking with her nose pinched... What are you up to right now?

The Master has abandoned the Queen. The Queen will have a hard time turning things around by herself.

Geez, are you seriously going to be like this, Master?!

What about you, Your Majesty? Are YOU seriously going to be like this?!

Uurgh... What do I do? What do I do?! Is it too late to escape to a different room?!!

Head Priestess Ner?

Yes, Haley. I apologize for causing such a commotion while you are resting. We will take our Queen and get out of your hair as soon as possible.

You're looking for your Queen? Erpin, correct?

Yes. And as you know, Her Majesty is under the blanket in the bed next to you.

The patient in bed next to me isn't a queen, though...

Sorry? What do you mean...?

The patient in the next bed over is not Erpin. I'd know better than the two of you, wouldn't I?

That is difficult to believe, considering I heard Her Majesty's voice from outside and followed it here... and I did witness her sit straight up just now.

I believe your ears and eyes are playing tricks on you.

Go, Haley, go! Go, Haley, go! Go, Haley, go!

If you're not gonna help, just shut it. Ha-ley! Ha-ley!

Listen, Haley... I know she is here, okay...?

For the last time... This patient isn't Erpin. How many times must I repeat myself?

Ugh... Uuurgh... Aaaaaargh!!

I said I know she is here!! Whyyyyyy in the world are you behaving this way?!?!

I SAID I KNOW THAT SHE IS HERE! WHY ARE YOU FEEDING ME SUCH ABSURD LIES?!

Does it LOOK like I can calm down right now?! HUH?!

The queen I serve runs off again, and when I come after her, all she does is deny, deny, deny in some bizarre voice...

And on top of that, even Haley is lying!! I cannot take this anymore!!!

Erm... I'm sorry, Ner... You're right... It's me...

I didn't want to get caught, so I asked the Master for help. Haley caught on and just wanted to lend a hand, really...

Haley didn't do anything... I'm the one who messed up. Sorry, Haley...

Grrrrr... Your Majesty...!!

If you know you messed up, please get ready to return to the kingdom this instant!

What do you mean?

Dramatic blanket pop-up show?! Can you imagine how frustrated I had to be to do that?!

The Queen spent some valuable time with me before you and Ner showed up.

She revealed truths I was completely unaware of and confided in me about what she values most.

Are you talking about when I spoke to you about all those cake types and how I'm totally obsessed with chocolate cake lately?

Exactly! It was a very enjoyable and insightful time, Queen.

Really?! That's why you helped me...?

Absolutely. You showed me nothing but sincerity. As an officer, loyalty and honor demand that I be there for you when you are in a bind.

Haley... You're such an amazing friend...!!

Friend? You consider me a friend, Queen?

Totally! You're the bestest friend ever!

Heh, thank you, Queen. Will you join me again next time for another good time?

You bet! Next time, I'll tell you lots and lots more cake stories. No, wait, I'll just bring cake with me!

Your Majesty? Master?! Why are you dilly-dallying?!

See you again, Haley!

Farewell, Master! Farewell, friend!

Good day, Officer Haley! What a fine afternoon!

Ah, Agent Canna. Long time no see.

I am the Suppression Unit Chief, not an agent. I mentioned this last time as well... Haha.

Suppression Unit Chief? Does that mean you're carrying out an operation right now?

Absolutely! I am always here with our Strike Force, carrying out our missions with heart and soul for Monatium!

What do you suppress?

We suppress werebeasts that enter Monatium unauthorized! When spotted, they are immediately sent back to Werebeast Forest!

What a pointless mission!

Wh-What do you mean...?

We should be maintaining close, friendly relations with the surrounding races, so what is with this absurd mission?!

...Excuse me?

Shouldn't maintaining peace in Monatium mean putting effort into building ties with the other races rather then displaying military might?

W-Well... yes... you're right, of course...

What is your take on this, Agent Canna? Do you genuinely feel your mission is essential?

My take on this?!

Surely, you have thought about your mission at least once while carrying it out, haven't you?

Eh, heh, I've... um, obviously thought... er...

I haven't... But if I tell her that, she'll be disappointed... Ugh... What should I do...?

What's wrong, Canna? What's got you sweating buckets?

M-Mayor! I was just hearing Officer Haley's thoughts regarding my mission!

Perfect timing. I'm assigning Agent Canna to a new mission effective today.

All of a sudden? Why?

We should be maintaining close, friendly relations—

*Sigh*, here we go again. Listen carefully, Haley. Do you know how much chaos those werebeasts cause in Monatium when they breach this barrier?

Amelia, give us a full briefing on all the incidents the werebeasts have caused so far.

It includes the following...

The werebeasts broke the barrier, attempted to infiltrate us, and then vandalized the vending machines over there to steal food.

And to top it all off, they committed the unthinkable. They jumbled up all the trash that the elves had so neatly and flawlessly sorted. It was an unprecedented tragedy in Monatium's history.

So? Do you still think we should change Canna's assignment?

Of course. This is all happening because the elves are shutting out the werebeasts in the first place.

What?!

Because the elves shut them out from the start, the werebeasts have no choice but to force their way into Monatium. Not knowing how to operate the vending machines, they tried to use them any way they could.

As for the trash, don't you think it might be because they just have a different approach than we do?

Mayor, Haley does seem to have a point...

Ohhhh, suuuure, she has a point... a really, really poke-my-eyes-out type of point.

You've always been like this. Always meddling and lecturing about peace with neighboring countries, and shouldering burdens no one ever asked you to.

You're the one who leaked our classified plans to dismantle Yggdrasil in Elias to the Sprite Kingdom, aren't you?

Elves like you are exactly why Canna has to stand on border duty!

What do you take me for?! I'm the Vanguard Officer of the Elven Army! I've told you countless times that wasn't me!

Vanguard Officer?! Give me a break! That was ages ago!

Once a soldier, always a soldier! Atten-SHUN!

Hah. Yeah right. You won't get me to do that...

As First Vanguard Officer of the Elven Invasion Forces, I am giving you an order. Atten-SHUN!

I'm not the fresh-faced rookie from back then anymore, you know? Let's crawl out of the past, Haley.

Well, okay. It seems I'll have to set you straight today, Sergeant Elena.

Wh-What are you talking about?

As of today, I've decided to take on the role of diplomat in order to build better relations between elves and our neighboring races.

Unbelievable... You just keep poking the bear! Want a taste of what The Mayor's cookin'?! Huh?!!

Mayor Elena, I think it would be best if you restrained yourself.

Why should I?!

If you provoke Haley any further, City Hall will be flooded with complaints from ex-military elves like her, just like last time.

And?

Our entire network at City Hall will go down, protests will erupt, and with most of the Suppression Unit being ex-military, we won't be able to contain them!

Ugh, fiiiiiine. Fine! Ugh...

I'm going to begin research on an M95 Haley-nonsense-filtering mask right away... Just you wait...

Starting today, Mayor Elena, I pledge to safeguard the peace of Monatium as an official diplomat.

O-Officer Haley! You're so cool...!

Keep spouting nonsense, Haley, and I'll make sure your retirement pension gets completely revoked.

What?! I've dedicated my whole life to the service of Monatium! How could you say something so awful?!

If you want to keep that pension, I suggest you quietly make your way back to Hilde's hospital.

Urgh... But...

Amelia, you can suspend Haley's pension payments right now, can't you?

It only takes one press of a button. Should I go ahead?

Fine! I'll head back... for today. Next time, though, I'll—

Hand it to me, Amelia. I'll push the button myself and get rid—

Alright! I'm going! See? I'm heading back!!

Sniff... Officer Haley walking away... It's just so sad! *Sooob*

What's with her now?

Officer Haley's commitment to devote herself entirely to Monatium... It's just so admirable, isn't it...? *Sob*...

Touching stuff. Now cut the fangirling and get back to work before I slap a nonsense-filtering mask on you, too!

*Gulp* Right away...!

Ugh, my head... At this rate, I won't make it to my next birthday... Geez!!

Absolutely not, Mayor Elena! We have to schedule a thorough physical for you immediately so you can live your allotted amount of time with us, and then when your time is up—

Aaaargh!! Nonsense-filtering mask research will have to start today, right now!

Yes, even at night, Eliash is so quiet and peaceful... I carried out my diplomatic duties well as a political officer, and this must be the fruit of my labor...

Mmm... This sweet scent of peace in the air... How satisfying.

Hm? What's that?

Something fishy is going on... and it's going to threaten the peace...

Gotcha!

Who do we have here?!

Oof! Wh-What...?

Care to explain what you're carrying into this dark alley at such a late hour, huh?!?!?!?!

It's mine. You can't take it.

A head?! It's a severed head! Aaaaaaaaah!!

We're at war! A war's been unfolding in Eliash right under our noses!!

Speak! Who are you with?! Someone sent you to Sprite Kingdom, didn't they?!

Let go of me... My sprite collection. I must complete it today...

This is why I always carry a whip instead of a gun! Take that!!

...Broken... My collection... Ruined...

Kneel before me and tell me who you're with, you shameless scoundrel!!

As First Vanguard Officer of the Elven Army, I will never let you get away with disrupting the peace of Eliash...

I will file a claim... for damages to my collection... against Her Majesty.

Why are you billing me for that?!

Aaahhh!! What in the...?! Why did you tie me up?! Are you going to sell me off or something?! Wait... you're not going to... decapitate me too, are you?!

Urgh... The disgrace... I can't believe I've been captured alive... I'd rather face death with dignity! Just kill me already!!

What's wrong with her...?

Are you the masterminds who sent this terrorist?! You're the ones who shattered the peace of Eliash and started the war?!

No! I never started a war!

Spill it! How many sprites did you slaughter? Were those severed heads trophies?!

Not trophies. Collectibles.

Eeeeeek!! Then your objective was to collect sprite heads?!

Yeah! Mayo just has a weird hobby, that's all.

Take that back, Your Majesty... or I'll rope you up just like her...

I take it back! I take it back!

Urgh, this may be the end for me, but I have no regrets since I sacrificed myself to eliminate the terrorists threatening the peace.

Feeding her some cake might help? I know that Ner hid a chocolate cake in her drawer...

N-Never mind then...

I can't believe it... Is the peace I achieved already gone for good? Are we really returning to bloodshed and chaos...?! Arrrrgh!! No!! That can't happen!!!

Uh-uh.

She keeps moving... Hard to aim like this...

Pain that doesn't kill me only makes me stronger! No one can stop me! Hyaaah!!

If I try to shoot her... my collectible might get damaged... You're also... my collectible.

Nope.

Nope. Really.

Her Majesty is the same.

Huh? Me? I don't carry a bag...

Nothing in her head... But she still carries it around...

Again with the head!! She's coming for your heads! She was trying to decapitate mine, too!!

Like I'd ever let you do that! Bring it on! Hyaaah!

We're really going to feed her cake? I didn't think you'd take that seriously...

Listen, I've been using my head to think of something this whole time, but I've got nothing! What do you expect from me?!

What's that got to do with anything?!

What?! Hey, my head's not made of stone or anything...

You might end up at Weekend Farm...

Exactly! Mayo's right! You wanna see me end up at the Weekend Farm or something?!

I meant Haley...

You jerks!!

...We're really doing this?! For real?

But Haley and I are BFFs now... Ugh, geez... I-I'm sorry, friend!!

Owwww... It hurts...

Ugh, how annoying... Fine...

...Ahhh! Haley's awake, Master!! What do we do?!

Hmm... Where am I...? Oh, Queen! I see the Master is here too.

Are you okay, Haley...? Are you feeling more yourself now?

I'm fine... Ugh... Don't tell me I did something strange again...?

Oh no, now I'm causing trouble in other countries, too... I'm truly sorry.

I thought I'd come and have a pleasant chat with the sprites for a change... I guess that's the end of field visits too...

Aw, Haley...

I'm ashamed to face you. Not remembering what I've done makes it even harder to apologize properly...

*Sigh*... When will I be healthy enough finally be able to hold a normal conversation with members of other races like their friend?

Come on, don't say that... You're already a great friend to me!

Do you really think so...?

Bleh... You know? You're feeling a bit down, so today, I shall bestow a reward upon you!

You know that hidden chocolate cake I mentioned earlier? I'm breaking it out today!

My friend is sad! I'm a queen who can at least do this much for her!

Chocolate cake...?

Yeah! I told you about it when I visited Hilde's hospital before, remember? It's really yummy!

Tea with the leader of Sprite Kingdom...? What an honor. Th-Thank you, Sprite Queen!