Section 5: Dog-eared Subscription List

It's time for Gil...

...and Santa's...

..."Get to Know Uruk"!

King of Uruk, can you tell me more about Ereshkigal?

I know that she's the goddess of the underworld, but I don't know anything else about her.

I did hear something about how she was assigned to the underworld from the time she was born, which is why she wields immense power there...

...but exactly what sort of Authority does she possess?

An excellent question, Santa.

Ereshkigal is the twin sister of Ishtar, the greediest goddess of all time.

And just like her sister, Ereshkigal possessed the capacity that let her attain all manner of Authority.

But, unlike her sister, Ereshkigal never allowed herself to indulge in her own personal desires.

She was diligent, industrious, genuinely considerate, and responsible to a fault. She was cold and proud, yet for some reason, she thought poorly of herself.

...? Is that even possible? To be proud and think poorly of yourself at the same time?

Of course it is. She puts on a proud, blustering front, never showing any sign of weakness, as befits her role of ruler of the underworld.

But she is constantly berating herself internally. She is a classic example of the sort who works hard to overcome her lack of faith in her own abilities.

Ishtar may be a cross between a horde of locusts, a sandstorm, and a toddler's tantrum...

Ereshkigal, though, somehow possesses the diligence of a honeybee, the temperament of a storm cloud, and the innocence of a child, all at the same time.

Not one other Sumerian god has an ounce of self-control. Ereshkigal, though...she was serious to a fault.

Her innate earnestness made her well suited to rule the underworld.

Well, at times she did acquire Authority beyond her own, but only from the other gods' foolishness.

Which brings me to one of these other gods: Nergal, a god of the underworld.

Nergal... I've heard that name before. I believe he's Ereshkigal's husband, according to Sumerian myth...

...but I can't imagine the Ereshkigal I know ever attracting a lover... Was theirs a false marriage?

Hahaha, you little scoundrel. Your perceptions can be downright cruel. Do not give them further voice.

Nergal is now known for ruling the underworld at Ereshkigal's side. However, his original domain was actually the sun.

In the world of Sumer, the sun was viewed as a blessing, but it was also treated as something dangerous that claimed the lives of many people.

Fwahahahaha! I am the great Nergal, embodiment of the sun!

My divine power is the greatest and most terrifying Authority! Ereshkigal is nothing compared to me!

It is not the underworld that claims the most human lives, but the fever my sun creates! My light shines brightest in all the heavens!

The underworld is no more than a coffin filled with writhing grubs. It should be closed down immediately, and a thrilling Sunnyland built in its place!

These defamatory statements of his stemmed in part from his desire to take revenge on Ishtar, who ruled the heavens as she saw fit.

Most likely, he was attempting to lay claim to the heavens for himself by disgracing Ishtar's sister.

Naturally, the humans turned a deaf ear to his wild boasts, but so too did the gods, for Nergal was indeed formidable.

As for Ereshkigal... Well, everyone expected her to cry herself to sleep, but she surprised them all.

Much to everyone's surprise, Ereshkigal confronted Nergal by way of a letter sent from the underworld.

"I will grant that on the surface world, no blessing is greater than the light of the sun."

"But that light cannot reach my underworld, and here even the gods may meet their doom."

"Should you ever set foot in my realm, I will see you suffer at the hands of the powers you so scorned!"

"Or, put differently: I hope you die a million painful deaths, you big jerk!"

This letter unnerved Nergal.

Deep down, the Ereshkigal he had dismissed as shy and timid was actually as fiery and capable as Ishtar.

Did that lead to war between the two gods? What did Nergal end up doing?

Naturally, he made his move while he was still alive! Imagine how difficult things would have been for him had he keeled over from exhaustion or something!

He dared not contemplate what terrible vengeance Ereshkigal would visit upon him the moment he fell into her domain!

And so, Nergal borrowed fourteen diseases from Ea, and set off to the underworld.

He decided he would conquer the underworld before death could claim him.

But the moment he entered, he had lost. In his final moments, he was no bigger than a locust.

Ah, I see. So he was an idiot?

Now, now, be generous. It might be fairer to say the underworld's rules were difficult to crack.

Curses. To have my strength run out with the throne before me... Everything has slipped through my fingers... I deeply regret my choices...the words and actions that brought me to this moment.

I apologize for my many insults. The underworld is far more formidable than I thought...

One of Nergal's best qualities was the fact that he was able to swallow his pride and admit his failings.

...All right. I'll let bygones be bygones and forget your slander of the underworld.

I'd gain nothing from killing you, and the humans on the surface would be lost without the sun.

But! If you truly regret your actions, then I demand you prove it by leaving behind half of your power!

Ah, now I see. So she stripped Nergal of his power to ensure he could never cause trouble again.

Correct. In exchange for sparing his life, Ereshkigal commanded two things of Nergal.

First, that he leave half his power with the underworld. Second, that he spend half of every year there in repentance.

Nergal agreed, albeit reluctantly.

(Yes! With Nergal's Authority, I might be able to create a sun here in the underworld...!)

(That way, I'll be able to warm up my souls, even just a little...!)

Very well. From now on, I shall spend half the year in the underworld, and I shall further give you half of my Authority, as you demand.

However...that half will be the plagues, diseases, and calamities I borrowed from Ea!

What!? No faaair!

You tricked me! I wanted central heating, and you stuck me with a bunch of disasters!

Thus did Ereshkigal gain control of Nergal's Authority. Unfortunately, it dealt with illness and disease.

Unable to use the sun Authority she desired, her dark nature grew darker still...

And that is the story of Nergal and Ereshkigal. Did you learn something useful from it, foreigner?

Good. For my next story, I shall regale you a tale of a greedy goddess and her poor husband, the God of Shepherds.

Until I have time for that, enjoy your descent into the underworld, and remember to guard the mongrel well!

...The end.

I hope you enjoyed Santa's first illustrated story.

So it would seem. That said, these other gods' main focus isn't on the underworld.

Ereshkigal is probably the only one who takes ruling it seriously. And she really gives it her all.

I admire that sort of civilization. I think she and I could be good friends...

Santa can do anything. I even have a different cast for the second one.

？！

Hm. That sounded like swordplay coming from the surface... It looks like someone is fighting, Master.

But I don't sense any Divinity. And I doubt Ereshkigal is fighting one of her own gatekeepers.

Hmm. I don't sense much bloodlust... It's probably...a brawl. With swords.

This won't do at all. Quarreling at Christmas is bad civilization. As Santa, it's my job to mediate this!

It's cold! Absurdly cold! It was cold even before it started snowing!

Please have patience, Lord Yoshitsune. I understand your desire to exercise to keep warm here...

...but I fail to see why that requires slashing at me like I am among the ships at Dan-no-Ura.

Do not worry about it! This is just my way of expressing myself! And if this weren't all bad enough, I have not even had any sweet bean paste down in this accursed underworld!

Damn that Ereshkigal. How dare she order me to level these mountains without preparing a meal!

Even though I am doing this to atone for my misdeeds, I cannot endure ceaseless toil!

If she wants to cultivate this land, she must do something about the soil! It lacks proper nutrients, just like me!

Hahaha! I'm glad to see you still have plenty of imagination, Lord Yoshitsune.

You, lacking nutrition. Mwahaha!

Have you finally realized that no matter how much you grow, you'll never fill out quite like Lord Raikou?

Very well. I have decided this place will be your grave. I may not be able to till this field, but I can still make a burial mound for your head.

I apologize for my rudeness, Lord Yoshitsune! But if I may, that would only prolong your sentence even more!

？！

You know these people, Fujimaru?

A young, raccoonish swordswoman attacking a giant man with beautiful swordplay and horrific insults...

...and a giant who is only defending himself. Yet there is something strangely beautiful in his swordplay as well. I recognize that. It's a samurai dance!

Still, while I could watch it all day, I'm afraid we don't have much time. May we greet them, Master?

？！

...All right. Here goes... (Adjusts mustache)

Stop that, you overgrown children. I'm Santa Claus, and I say no more fighting!

Now I see. So you're wearing that bizarre costume because you are Santa Claus.

To think you are bringing a present to that cold, obstinate, stingy, isolated Ereshkigal...

It is no easy feat to traverse this frigid wasteland, yet you do it to bring cheer to others... Impressive.

Although...I am a little disappointed you did not come here out of concern for me. Tch.

Well, no matter. It is not as though I would do anything differently anyway.

I would much rather celebrate Christmas with close female friends than this dim-witted stick-in-the-mud.

？！

Your eyes were playing tricks on you! On my honor as a Minamoto, I have never succumbed to the lure of evil!

Hah! It seems Lord Ushiwakamaru still has spite to spare.

Please forgive her mischievous indulgences, Lord Fujimaru.

I must say, though. After hearing your whole story...

...Hmm. If you don't mind my asking, which Christmas will you be celebrating where you're from? Which year?

December 2019. What of it?

I see. Now I understand. It's no wonder we had our differences.

Hm? What do you mean by that, Benkei? Whisper it into my ear, so that we are on the same page.

(Well... Right now, time in the underworld is... I don't know the details, but I believe...)

(...Ereshkigal couldn't be erased until after the battle of Uruk...)

(So please keep this to yourself, Lord Yoshitsune. It would only complicate matters if this got out.)

Very well.

...I must say though, you are too clever for your own good. Once a sage, always a sage, hmm?

Don't be silly. I am but a Musashibou with great strength. I have long since left behind the path of the sage.

...Hmph. Well, no matter.

Normally, we'd have a great deal of catching up to do, but I can see you have more pressing matters to attend to.

As such, we ought to conclude our business here quickly. Go ahead, Lord Fujimaru.

Surely you know what comes next. One cannot have Christmas without it.

Bring on the alcohol! The kind that is just to my liking! The kind that turns tears into laughter!

Of course, young swordswoman! Oooh, your outfit looks so warm!

Let's see... Here you go. I think you'll be very happy with this bromide.

？！

...I'm sorry, but that's, well... I'm kind of sick of seeing that sort of thing by now...

I already have more pictures of me, Ushiwakamaru, in action than I know what to do with.

What a waste that would be! If you don't need it, I would be happy to accept it myself!

Just look at this composition! The detail on the armor! The fiery courage in your gaze!

There may be many picture scrolls of Ushiwakamaru, but I have never before seen one that so thoroughly erases all the ways you are disappointing, Lord Yoshitsune!

What a miracle to encounter art of this quality in the underworld! I shall cherish it forever!

Thank you! Thank you, Lord Santa Claus!

Ho ho ho. Yes, I am Santa.

Now I'm getting the hang of this. If bromides of your partner make you that happy, what about this one?

Oho! What a handsome depiction, and so modern! This masterpiece reminds me of the great Hokusai himself!

No thanks. I couldn't even use that for an oilcloth.

？！

Hmm...

If those are the sort of gifts you have to offer, Lord Santa Claus, might I make a request...in private?

I see. I did want one of those for myself, but I can let you have this one.

Now then, there's a bunch of different kinds. Which one would you like?

The one with Lady Mash, of course.

...This is one of my fondest memories. Indeed, it is wasted on a fool like myself.

？！

So it did. I suppose this means that something has been saved.

We have nothing further to discuss. The underworld is in turmoil, and time is of the essence.

You must hurry on to the next gate. Farewell, Lord Fujimaru.

Do not worry about us. Knowing that you are here to save Christmas is the best news we could get.

Now we can see you off with a clear conscience.

？！

Merely the passing remarks of a Nurikabe. Pay them no heed. I pray that fate brings you and a different me together again one day!

Wait, Fujimaru! It's too dangerous to go alone!

There they go. ...I must say, I can't help but worry.

Once Lord Fujimaru fixes things and restores the underworld to its proper stability, everything should return to normal.

I cannot speak for Lord Fujimaru, but I doubt that we will remember this.

...Lord Yoshitsune? Why are you smiling like that?

Oh, I was just thinking how nice their smiles are in this picture. I'm told they went on to enjoy a wonderful New Year's afterwards.

In which case, what happens to us is of little consequence. Musashibou, if you truly claim to be my attendant...

I would have you stay here with me, until I finish atoning for my crimes.

...Of course I will.

I will gladly serve as your bulwark until the day you meet your end.