Section 4: A Trying Love

...mas...

？！

Heeeyyy! Chan-maaaaaas!

Hm? That piercing voice sounds familiar...

Woohoo! Happy Valentine's Day!

Hold on to your Mystic Code, 'cause Nagiko's back this year with another heaping helping of love!

？！

Hahaha. You do have a way with words, don't you, Fujimaru?

Yeah, I guess neither of them ever listens, huh?

Wahahaha! Not much for mutual understanding, are you!?

Well, that's okay. We don't always have to understand each other to get along. Anywho...

Here, Chan-mas! Have some Valentine's Day chocolate!

I made you an orangette, only instead of just soaking the kumquat peel in sugar, I soaked the whole kumquat.

？！

And don't worry, Lainn-Lainn and K.G. I've got enough to go around.

"Kay-Gee"...?

Uh, I don't mind if you call me that, but I wouldn't call any of the other mes that if I were you.

Especially not the spiky one. He's not big on emotion, or mercy.

Ohhh.

Well, that explains why he looked so grumpy when I called him that.

And here I thought it was because he just didn't like chocolate or something.

So you already called at least one of the other mes "Lainn-Lainn," huh...

She's really less like a storm and more like a walking, talking, ticking time bomb, isn't she?

Aaanyway, on a different note...

Is it true we've got a new addition, Chan-mas? And a god at that?

I got curious as to what she's like...

So I thought I'd come meet her for myself!

Whoooa!

Your hair's so beautiful! You're so dainty and petite! And your skin is so smooth!

Oh man, I'm experiencing ALL the feels right now!

Um... Who is this person, and why does she have no concept of personal space?

Who, me? You can call me Nagiko!

Nice to meet you, new bestie!

(Gleeeam☆)

Damn, she's really not afraid of anything, is she?

... ...

Uh-oh, this is bad. Caren's going to blow her top soon!

We've gotta separate them before it's too late!

... ...

(Slaps)

Why the hell'd you slap ME!?

I see... Nagiko, is it?

Would you mind if I asked you something I've been wondering about?

Sure, what's up?

Who is that you're carrying under your arm?

... ...

...If you're done, would you mind putting me down already?

Oh, crap, I completely forgot.

This little lady is Kama-cho! She's a god of love, too!

Pretty cool, right? I bet you two'll have a ton to talk about!

Not to mention you're both super cute!

It's Kama, you idiot. Not "Kama-cho."

And why are we out here talking to them, anyway?

When you invited me to see the new god, you said we could just stay back and observe from a distance.

Oh, whoops, did I? My bad.

(Flash of anger)

Well, never mind. This is EXTREMELY not-okay, but you know, whatever.

Ahem...

You must be Eros then. I'm Kama, the god of love.

This is quite a coincidence, isn't it? I certainly never expected to run into another god of love who uses a bow and arrow here.

How fortunate that we managed to find each other. I look forward to getting to know you better♡

Well, thank you. That's very kind of you to say. I'm Amor, the god of love.

But please, call me Caren.

Kama, was it? Then you must be the Hindu god of love.

... ...

I thought you were supposed to be male, but clearly I was wrong. You're quite the adorable little thing, aren't you?

Oh, that? Don't worry about it. It's not important.

Besides, I could say the same for you, no?

But then, as a Pseudo-Servant, I suppose your vessel's gender doesn't really matter at

... ...

Have we met somewhere before?

No, this is our very first time.

A-are you sure? You seem very familiar somehow...

At any rate, I'm not performing my godly duties right now because of...reasons...

...so having you show up now really does feel like fate to me.

Hehe... Since you're Eros, the god of erotic love...

I bet you'll have no problem turning this place into a world positively dripping with love, just the way I like...

...even with all these Goody Two-shoes fighting you at every turn.

(...Hehe.)

(Yes, that's right. I can just let this newcomer handle everything, and I won't have to lift a finger.)

(All I'll have to do is hole up in my room and check in on Master every now and then to see if he's ready to sink into depravity once and for all.)

It's perfect!

？！

... ...

True, I suppose we would have a lot in common... if I was, in fact, Eros.

Huh?

But as we are now, lust simply isn't important to us.

That being said, we won't deny that it, too, has a place.

That place just happens to be a good bit... below our particular station.

Hehe. Still, it's been a pleasure to meet you.

(Wh-why that little...!)

(...No, wait. There's something off about her...)

(Something that shouldn't apply to any Pseudo-Servant...)

Man, you guys are just too cute for words. It should be illegal!

I knew I was right to force you to come here, Kama. You guys are gonna get along great!

Um, I'm not so sure about that. If anything, they look almost ready to kill each other...

I don't know what you're talking about. It doesn't look anything like that to me. Nope.

Seriously, kid, you don't want to get mixed up in a catfight. They're more dangerous than a wounded bear.

It's better to just play dumb before they remember you're there and make you pick a side.

I see. As the unrivaled hunter of Ulster, you must be used to these kinds of dangerous situations.

？！

I'm sorry to interrupt your conversation, Senpai, but we've found more Bitter Shadows!

Could I ask you to go investigate as soon as I send you the location?

Roger dodger!

Huh? Nagiko? U-uh, thank you!

Bitter Shadow? I don't know what that is, but it sounds annoying.

I don't need that kind of hassle, so I'll just let you guys go take care of

... ...

On second thought, I'll help, too. After all...

It should be an excellent chance for Eros there to see what I can really do.

(I honestly don't care whose kind of love is baser or loftier...)

(But the idea of this naive little twit who's never been incinerated by Shiva's third eye thinking I can't hack it just pisses me off.)

(Plus, when I pawn my job off on her, I don't want her thinking it's because I'm some low-tier god who can't clean up my own messes or anything.)

(No, I want her to feel honored that she gets to spare me from having to sully my own hands.)

(If I have to show off what I'm really capable of to make that happen, then fine.)

Oh my, that's very courageous of you. No wonder you were so famous in Indian mythology.

But, unfortunately...

...I just don't think your particular traits are going to be of much use here.

Wha...!?

O-of course they will be! Wait right here and I'll prove it!

I can easily handle some fake Shadow Servants by myself!

Come on, you idiot! Just this once, I'm going to let you help me!

Huh? Weren't you just talking about how you could handle this yourself?

Oh well, no biggie to me. I'm just glad to be asked to help!

Th-they ran off before we could say anything... Maybe we ought to go after them?

Why? Anyone can beat those Bitter Shadow things as long as they have the power of love, right?

So since Kama's technically a god of love too, why don't we just let her take care of it?

...

What the hell!?

I destroyed those things a bunch of times, but they just kept reviving!

Welcome back. Hm? Where's the one that looks like a cactus?

Nagiko, was it? What happened to her?

I left her there!

This god's a real piece of work too, huh...

Buhahahaha! I'm in dangeeer!

Save me, Chan-mas! Saaave meee!

God Bazooka. Die.

Aaaaaargh!

？！

Phew. That ought to do it. Thank you for gathering them all in one place like that, Nagiko.

That let me purify this whole hallway with a single shot, which is much more cost-effective.

Master, are we really sure this lady's a god?

Are you freaking kidding me?

What the hell are you doing with a bazooka? That's straight up cheating.

Eros is supposed to use a bow and arrow, dammit!

Love has no defined shape or form...

So I see no point in sticking with a bow and arrow when the situation calls for a bazooka.

But I guess that may be hard to understand for a more...old-fashioned god like yourself.

(Fury rising)

Oh, so you think you're hot stuff just 'cause you beat those Bitter Shadow things?

You could only do it 'cause you knew the trick. I wouldn't have lost in a fair fight.

Oh? Then what do you propose?

... ...

Let's take this to the simulator. I haven't been this pissed off in a long time.

？！

Shut it, Master!

Now, come on, Eros! This is your last chance to apologize!

...(Sigh) All right. I have almost no stamina, and I really don't enjoy these kinds of personal fights...

But if you insist, then I suppose I can't refuse.

Bear witness to God's glory! God Bazooka Final Shot!

Aaaaaargh!

What do you say, Kama?

Shall we call today's duel a draw?

Th... Th...

This can't be right! I might not look like it, but I'm still a god, dammit!

How the hell can that bazooka hurt so damn much!? What the hell's it even made of!?

Oh, that? Well yes, of course it hurts.

After all...

I love you.

S...

Say whaaaaaat!?!?

Wh-what in the world are you talking about now, you crazy god!?

This bazooka's power is directly affected by how much love its user has in their heart.

So since I love every person on Earth, every shot I fire with it hits with the force of the entire planet.

And in your case, Kama...

You were incinerated by Shiva, making you a being that's essentially the universe.

Which means that by loving you, my God Bazooka's power is equivalent to...

Earth and the universe combined!

Are you freaking kidding me!?

I mean, spreading love is in my job description, too.

So by that logic, my bow and arrow should be just as powerful as your goddamn bazooka!

...Oh my, it's worse than I thought. I can't believe you're still ignorant of such a basic fact.

Our definitions of love are different.

Your love is all about building you and your loved ones up together, with their consent.

The very fact that you talk about "providing" love proves that it's very different from my kind of love.

God the Father's love simply exists. Period.

Those who receive it needn't agree to do so.

Because true love is already complete simply by virtue of existing.

!!!

... ...

Wait. Hang on.

Are you sure you're not just making up something that sounds good to avoid giving a real answer?

Hehe. Hehehehe.

Huh?

Wh-why did you just collapse?

...Because firing that shot opened up old wounds.

As I thought, scaling up and spreading my love to a whole universe really did take a lot out of me...

That's why I consider today's match to be a draw. Didn't I say as much earlier?

... ...

Why in the world would you push yourself that far just to beat me?

Are you some kind of idiot?

Since you wanted to see what I was made of...

...I thought it was only right that I not hold back...

... ...

I swear...

Every single thing you say and do is just the dumbest shit imaginable...

Still...

Love is such a pain in the ass to begin with...

...that I can't blame any god who exists solely for love for being a pain in the ass, too.

I really thought they were going to end up killing each other...

...but it looks like this is working out better than I expected.

Guess they had something in common after all. Their only real difference is their faith.

I don't know why anyone would wanna go around preaching about something that's as big of a pain as love...

But since love is kind of their...thing, it's no surprise they'd find some common ground.

Hehehe.

See, what'd I tell you, Lainn-Lainn? I knew those two would be besties.

How the hell did you recover so fast!?

Besides...I've been wondering...

People who fall in love can pray to a god of love for romantic assistance...

But who's a god of love supposed to pray to?

... ...

Hmm. I guess you can't really say "themselves" there.

Exactly, K.G.

But, now that there're two of them, all their problems should be solved!

Now, even Kama-cho can ask someone for help when it comes to matters of the heart!

R-really? Is that how that works...?

And that...is why I made sure they'd have a meet-cute of their own.

What do you think? Pretty clever, right?

Uh, yeah, that's great, except for two tiny details.

One, I don't answer anyone's prayers for romance, and two, I have no intention of talking about my own love life with anyone.

Gotcha!

Ugh, I swear...

You really need to quit jumping to conclusions, idiot. Especially about the kind of things that make my hair stand on end.

Oh my...

I'm sorry, Kama. I had no idea you were having such a hard time with your own love life.

If you ever want to talk, I'd be happy to lend you my ear.

The Church is always open to lambs who have lost their way, after all.

I just said I'm NOT having a hard time! And don't go building churches when nobody asked you to!

I was kidding, of course. Just a little goddess humor.

Khh... Don't think this means you've won, Eros.

We ARE going to settle this some day. Count on it.

Oh, uh, okay.

I think I should be able to give you a rematch at some point, if I wind up with literally nothing better to do.

Gaaaaaah!

I knew this goddess rubbed me the wrong way!