4th Night: Penname, Daddy-Long-Legs

The keel's done for! It'll break any moment now! Isn't it time a certain someone took responsibility for this mess?!

Don't look at me! This isn't my fault! This whole thing was supposed to be the two of us going on a fishing trip!

Being equally matched at hunting in the woods, we were supposed to take our contest to sea, so to speak. That's when

That's when A certain idiot stowed away on our boat and waited for his chance while the two of us were busy in the hold.

And saying how he wanted to meet the ladies of the Southern Lands, steered our boat straight out to sea!

Isn't that right?

"King David!" "Old Man David!"

Hmm... It's one thing when young ladies call my name... But having it shouted by you gentlemen is rather unpleasant.

Now, you two. Weren't you ever taught that you must respect your elders?

By the way, I'd rather like to return to the shore now. What do you say?

What? The sail got broken and we ran out of our magical energy?

Then this is an emergency! Quickly, you two! Jump into the water!

The boat can still hold my weight if I'm alone. The magical energy stored should hold out too! It's simple math!

Arrrghh! It's no use, I am about to snap! Old man, how can you act so high and mighty at a time like this?

That's how every one of the Kings of Old behaves! In fact, I can think of one who's like a walking mass of arrogance...

Wah! This isn't the time to stand around glaring at each other! Let's hurry up and toss some cargo overboard, at least!

If we get done in by something like this, we'll be the laughingstock of the Servant World!

The Servant World? So that's how you refer to it? That's good to know. Thank you!

Then in that case, may I ask who the current top comedian is there? I'd like to know for future reference.

Oh, probably that one girl... The one with the dragon wings and the horns growing out of her head.

There are lots of other talented ones too, but they fall short of her.

What are you babbling on about? As of now, I'd nominate the three of us for the biggest stooges!

Oh yes, I'm sorry! That reminds me, do the two of you know the tale of Carneades?

When a ship sank upon a stormy sea, one man was fortunate and survived the wreck by clinging to a small piece of driftwood.

But there was another fortunate man who survived as well, and he swam toward the first man. Therein arose a problem.

The driftwood was large enough to keep one man afloat, but with two, it would certainly sink. Thus, the man

Hey, Red Mantle! What do you say we lighten our load by one person right now? Then you and I can continue our contest afterward!

For once, I agree with you, huntsman!

This is a good chance for us. We can compete to see who's the better Archer right here and now!

That saddens me. Nothing ever comes from contention... And, it's already known that I am the superior Archer...

But I suppose if I were to knock you off the boat defending myself, none could blame me for it. So I shall join in your contest!

Despite my appearance, I was a King of many victories. I must warn you that I am skilled. Extremely skilled.

If there were a ranking of "Most-Victorious Kings" in the Servant World, I assure you, I would occupy its top spot.

Oh, is that so? Fine by me. Killing kings is what I do, so I'll put you out of your misery now!

Most-Victorious King? Superior Archer? Hmph. You 3-Stars certainly talk a big game.

!!! Look above!

Hohoho! Step aside, you're in the way of my landing!

...And who might you be? We were in the middle of something just now, you know?

The invincible Santa that descends upon Christmas like this storm! That is who I am.

Huh? Santa? Really? But wait! The sky? You came from the sky?

Meaning, you have some means of getting off this boat?

Naturally, I do. Due to this storm, I have left my sleigh and reindeer waiting for me above the clouds.

A proper Servant must think upon their Master's safety. Isn't that so, Red Archer?

Oh-hoh! Is this Servant an acquaintance of yours, Red Mantle?

(remains silent with an unreadable expression on his face)

Abishag! It's you, Abishag! O Beautiful One, there can be no doubt that you are my Abishag!

Ohh, to think that we would both become Servants and meet again like this! I am truly blessed!

Come, warm this chilled body of mine as you did in the past. Come, hesitate not.

You are mistaken, King David. I am Santa Alter, not Abishag.

??? But with beauty such as yours you must be Abishag. Ah. Perhaps you do not recognize me as a youth?

I was an old man when I took you as my wife. But fear not, for my heart is as true as ever it was.

Be I shepherd, king, or aged man, I declare that the contents of my mind, at base, are ever unchanged!

Oh? That is well, then. In that case, you were of sound mind when proclaiming yourself the "Most-Victorious King"?

Huh? Uh, yes, I suppose that... I was indeed powerful in war.

...Fool... You've dug your own grave...

Then I shall see your strength tested. Gift distribution can wait till after.

En garde, Archers! This sword shall rectify your arrogance!

Sorry, one moment, please! As I, personally, am not terribly powerful, won't you assist me, gentlemen?

Huh? Are you completely mad? All we want is to catch a ride on that flying sleigh...

Though she just might do our bidding if we defeat her. If it's a fight you want, I will gladly comply.

A Saber-class challenging Archer-class Servants to a fight. This won't even be funny.

Gwaah?! Man, I messed up... Now that I look closer, you're actually a Rider-class, aren't you?

You have an Archer who attacks with a staff. A Rider who attacks with a sack of presents should be fine as well.

Hahaha! Well, there's no comeback we can make to that. That said, my Noble Phantasm is pretty Archer-like though.

...Ahem. I assume we're all calmed down now? Why, exactly, did you come here, Santa Rider?

Fool. I did not come here at my own behest. I came in response to a "Dear Santa" letter.

...I see. I have a pretty good idea who the sender was. I'll bet he asked for jewels to delight his many wives with, right?

Really, writing letters to Santa as a full-grown man... What a problematic adult. Seriously.

Yes, seriously problematic. One should limit one's childish dreams.

What? King David... Um. Pardon me, but wasn't it you?

Of course it wasn't. The only one I send my prayers to is our Lord in Heaven.

And anyhow, isn't the idea of Santa Claus a bit scary? It's nothing but trouble to receive gifts from someone who wishes nothing in return.

If it wasn't me and it wasn't King David, that means

All right, all right! It was me, okay? I sent it! Call it a temporary fit of madness!

Don't be embarrassed. All are equally accepted in the eyes of Santa Claus. Especially you in the green. You have worked hard.

Your method of supporting your Master from the shadows rather than coddling them is most praise-worthy. Though a tad under-handed.

In contrast, you in the red. You spoil your Master too much. What are you, the mother of an exam student preparing for Exam Day?

Uh-uh! I object strongly to that! I'm not at all overprotective...

These presents are for you two. Accept them gratefully.

!!!! Black Key Assortments?

Wow, what an impressive-looking sword! (rather half-heartedly)

Don't get too happy yet. Your real present is being prepared elsewhere. I sent word ahead of time, so it should arrive soon.

Farewell, then. Keep your fights moderate during Christmas times!

She comes and goes like a storm. I didn't even realize the real storm had passed.

Ah, well. At least this means we won't have to listen to the tale of Carneades now.

What? Who spoke of Carneades' tale as an example to follow? That's horrendous. Let us put that man to death.

It was you! You haven't learned anything since the Uriah incident, have you?!

Now, now. No matter how strained the situation, I am not the kind of man who would be so insensitive as that.

...Maybe we really should just toss him overboard? We'd be doing his Master a favor, don't you think?

...Agreed. His existence will only be a bad example. Let's just say King David went back to Okeanos.

I apologize, it seems your words were true. I know I am wrong now, please forgive me. Our Lord in Heaven says so, too.

Rather, why don't we reflect on our battle just now? Despite our loss, don't you think the three of us make a good team?

Nameless One, with your AOE Noble Phantasm. And Faceless One, with his single-target Noble Phantasm.

And I, using aggressive evasive tactics to avoid harm, sealing the enemy's special attacks before they are launched.

Even humbly speaking, wouldn't we be a rather invincible team? We should become friends, shouldn't we?

Hmm, that's true enough. We wouldn't have any blind spots as a team.

True. We wouldn't be the most powerful team, but we're all elite Archers. With the three of us combined, there'd be no enemy who could

Hi! I received your order and have come accordingly! This is the location of the special Christmas concert, right?

Ugh, a Lancer?!

According to the client's order, since we are floating out at sea, I can let loose and sing as loud as I want...

I won't let anyone escape me tonight! Now let's jump straight into my opening number, "Love is Dracul!"

Ah, this is the end. We're all going to the underworld with that AOE Noble Phantasm...

It seems the Home-Delivered Concert from Hell has begun.

Heh! Those accursed Archers, will drop like flies.

Th-thank you. So you've learned to give Santa a proper greeting after all? You seem to be understanding your role as a reindeer better.

What? I merely sent them an event worthy of Christmas.

After all, they were wondering who the top comedian in the Servant World was at present.

？！

In any case, that concludes our detour. Our next "Dear Santa" letter

...comes from Uruk, from a boy named Gilgamesh?!