3rd Area: Race Highlights

All right, I've got all the data I need. Let's get to judging these vehicles!!!

First up, Red Venus!

I haven't the foggiest notion of who created this craft, but whoever it was, they must surely be a brilliant and exquisitely beautiful genius inventor.

What's more, she must also be exceptionally generous and open-minded to accept such an impossible request from these two tyrants.

At any rate, the resulting vehicle is truly wonderous: the pinnacle of functional design, where any artifice unnecessary in the pursuit of speed has been skillfully stripped away!

And still, its form remains astonishingly stylish.

It is as though it is the very culmination of the entire history of mankind's attempts to build the fastest possible car.

Truly, this streamlined machine with its beautiful, functional design embodies the aphorism "Simple is best." I award it...ten out of ten!

Next, we have Kumara Wheel & Thunderdome!

What a lovely surprise to see Helena's old-fashioned Kumara Wheel repurposed into this futuristic avant-garde design!

And then we have its accompanying monster car!

Putting the question of what sort of current it uses aside, this mechanism that transforms vast amounts of electricity output into propulsive force may be a little on the overcompensatory side...

...but it is clearly the result of the two men assisting her putting all of their pride into their work. Indeed, sheer muscle can be beautiful too.

And the fact that such opposing views came together to create this single machine is beautiful in its own right!

I award this team...ten out of ten!

Demon King of the V6 Heaven!

While it does seem a little worse for wear after getting blasted out of a volcano right into the stratosphere...

...its form itself is still the stuff of truly amazing dreams. There is something to be said for its pilots' wild nature making itself so plainly evident.

Though this vehicle does exhibit some fundamental aerodynamic design flaws when driving across the ground, those don't really matter.

What matters is how beautifully it embodies the concept of wanting to blast off to anywhere besides here.

Only a true connoisseur can appreciate a machine dedicated to such a single-minded purpose, so as one such connoisseur, I give it ten out of ten!

...

？！

Fooou.

Pharaoh Legend is patterned after the scarab beetle!

This vehicle's form skillfully captures the venerable representation of the sun god Khepri.

And this team's assistant has also added a low-key Arabian motif to the vehicle's decoration.

The result is a positively exquisite unified design! Collaborations are a lot harder to pull off than people think, you know!

So taking that into account...I think it deserves ten out of ten! Friendship is beautiful in its own right!

Here we have Babbage Locomotive Form! In a word, I find it fascinating!

I'm told that Professor M's calculations played a large part in its design, but I think they could have asked another brilliant genius inventor and gotten the same calculations, personally.

Next time, I'd encourage them to go that way instead of relying on shady professor types, but I'll give them a pass on that for now.

Regardless, the out-of-the-box idea to turn Charles Babbage into a vehicle is itself a thing of beauty!

As a fan of spectacle...er, steampunk...er, giant robots, I'm giving them ten out of ten!

Finally, we have Kyogoku and Bailong! While it would be easy to point out that they're horses, not vehicles...

There is no denying their stunningly beautiful coats, long, soft manes, and the kindest eyes you'll ever see in any creature...

Truly, wild animals have a rare and uniquely divine beauty all their own.

Humans can and do make beautiful art, but even that can't compare to the work of God's own hand. Well, except me, of course. Even God himself would be jealous of the stuff I come up with.

At any rate, these two horses are absolutely two of the most beautiful creatures you'll ever see. As such, they deserve nothing less than ten out of ten! (Also, I really don't want to get on Raikou's bad side!)

Ahh, that was fun.

...Hm? Yes, I know. Every team ended up with the same ten out of ten score, right?

Nothing I can do about that. That's how it goes when you try to evaluate art!

You gotta give credit where it's due.

You can't just start ranking works of art against each other from best to worst. All you can really do is be honest about whether it evoked a sense of beauty.

At least, that's how I believe art ought to be appreciated.

For artists, it doesn't matter what your station in life is, what sort of principles you hold...

...or even if you're just a kid throwing something together.

To try and pretend otherwise would be a crime against the very concept of beauty. That's why it's impossible to force art into a hierarchy of better or worse.

Take the first time I saw Mikey's statue of David, for examp

Oh, right, I'm the Masqueraded Count right now. Just forget you heard that.

Anyway, to give my general appraisal...!

Every vehicle here is spectaculareach one uniquely special in its own way!

Thanks to them, I won't be lacking in inspiration for a good long while. Hehehe!

In fact, I can feel an unprecedented invention just waiting for me to create it already taking shape in my mind! I think I'll go with a motorboat that runs on land!

...I might have picked the wrong person for the job.

Fou...

Tch, we are getting nowhere like this. I cannot believe she failed to see how easy it is to clean this vehicle.

This calls for drastic measures! We shall dive into the river, and I shall let the water that sprays forth highlight my beauty even further!

Heeheehee, I can't wait! Don't worry, I don't have any hang-ups when it comes to rankings! This beauty contest is just getting started!

Go on then, robot beauty judge, feast your eyes on this!

My swimsuited form IS beauty! The manifestation of Venus herself!

This is how I look even without doing anything special, it is merely the glorious radiance inherent to me!

Hmph. A professional truly dedicated to her job will naturally shine with inner beauty.

Furthermore, I used Merlin's whatsit to include a system in our vehicle that exudes floral fragrances... This match is ours.

Hmm, I can't say I see much difference from usual.

I mean, it's good and all, but I'm not seeing anything surprising here. Nothing I couldn't already imagine.

I guess I'd say you're both decently cute?

What!? Have you lost your mind!? How could you see THIS as anything less than perfection itself!?

Beauty, huh. I do (want to) believe that as a pharaoh, and an incarnation of Horus, I am already truly beautiful on my own merits.

But in order to win this battle, I'll need to go further.

Do you have something in mind?

Of course! In fact, it's something with which you should already be familiar.

A stark, minimalist structure that includes only what is necessary and no more... A smooth form that practically begs to be touched... Eyes to pierce your very soul.

Yes, THIS is the form that unites all those aspectsthe true face of beauty!

...

What's more, this streamlined form is inherently aerodynamic, which will give us yet another boost to our speed! A perfect two-bird, one-stone plan.

Behold! Even as I speak, we are quickly...

It seems we are quickly...slowing down...

Why!? I don't understand!

You actually have to ask? How could it not be obvious!? This is no good! NO GOOD!

Exposure may not be the end-all, be-all, but it's still one of the best weapons any beauty contestant could have! And here you are, throwing it away!

Don't show yourself again until you've got a much more risqué outfit! Even your normal clothing shows off more skin than that sad excuse for a swimsuit!

Ah... You strike such a low blow!

I could have conceivably given you a few points if you were at least wearing a bikini.

Oh, but that doesn't mean you should try to take shortcuts with a little wardrobe malfunction.

It's not seeing the nip itself, but the IDEA that we might get a little nip-slip that's so tantalizing.

That dream...that hope for an uncertain future is what I wish to award beauty points to!

And yet, I could also end up easily giving full points for a nip slip where the slipper is profoundly embarrassed about it. Truly, the adult world doesn't play fair.

Incidentally, there is another reason why I might give points for a bikini.

Namely, that I can now create polka dots in my mind's eye thanks to intensive training. Yes, I know how god-tier that sounds.

I don't know what you're talking about, but I do know there's something supremely creepy about you.

I'm used to dealing with the frigid temperatures of the underworld, and you still send shivers up my spine.

Hmm, this team is hopeless. Completely hopeless. Go on, get out of here!

Open the canopy! Now that all eyes are upon us, this is our chance! I'll use this watery stage to put on a fiery performance!

Oh, but before I do that, I'd better change into my stage outfit!

Don't let the wind pressure blow you away, Demon King of the Sixth Heaven!

But if you do get blown away, make sure you fall onto at least one Saber and take them out with you!

Very well, but keep in mind that you would be the closest target in that case. Anyway, now that I'm done changing...

Open the canopy! My new campaign is about to begin!

Heh... What a lovely river breeze.

Now, behold the ROCKIN' swimsuited figure of the Demon King of the Sixth Heaven and the waves!

Nobunaga in the hooouse!

I'm showing off plenty of skin and working up a healthy sweat, right? You can't take your eyes off me, right?

This is the Nobbu's wabi-sabi-savvyness at work!

Hmm, I can't say I care for your blatant shamelessness.

You've got SUCH a healthy attitude that it's really not hitting that moe strike zone, you know? You're more badass than babe-alicious.

I think I would have preferred Okita or Chacha instead. Change plz.

I don't think this guy even knows what wabi-sabi is!

Uh. I don't...get it.

How do we go...fast here?

I'm afraid that such quandaries lacking clear parameters have never been my forte. This is no exception.

Hahaha, leave this to me.

We may both be skilled mathematicians, but as an innately approachable academic who is also popular amongst middle-aged women, I am perfectly suited to understanding how this demographic feels about

Never mind that, Papa. Just...do it.

At once, my little lady!

First, we make a little tweak to your Spirit Origin...here! Don't worry, honey, it's all right. Just leave everything to Papa.

Now then, Mr. Babbage, go ahead and open up so that everyone can see her!

Feel free to reduce your speed temporarily if you must!

Understood. How's this?

All right, we're good to go! Stand up, my darling daughter!

...?

Wh-what the heeeck!? This is new! Very new!

I always thought Fran had potential, but since she's a Berserker and all, I was scared of getting too close.

But then she became more approachable as a Saber, and now...now she's wearing bandages for a bra!?

It's shoddy craftsmanship, offers no protection whatsoever, and is inherently risky AND risqué, but I can't help but love the sheer helplessness of this outfit!

All this is to say...ALL OF MY YES! If I had to flip my YES/NO pillow on this subject, it would land with a resounding YES!

Deeheehee, at last, my restraining order has been lifted. I'm coming for you, Fran-Fran!

...Rats. Now that I've judged her to be moe, she's moving so fast I can't catch up!

...So fast. Hurray.

Fortunately for you, I admit that our speed has improved.

If it hadn't, I would have thrown you headfirst into that walking pile of scrap metal.

Just look at what you've reduced Victor's girl to...

I-it's just a swimsuit, remember? It's cute, she seems to be happy with it, and as you said, our speed has improved. I don't think I've done anything to apologize for.

Stop. No fighting. ...Come on, let's go.

Understood./Okay!

Beauty, huh... Of course, I know that our vehicle can travel over water too.

But I don't know how else to go about this.

Hmm. Traveling over water, eh...

Don't tell me you're still struggling, you great hairy buffoon? As a true genius, I already arrived at the answer from those words alone.

No, a TRUE true genius is one who immediately presents the answer without beating around the bush. In this case, the answer is that this is a subjective beauty evaluation.

Then allow me, a true true TRUE alternating current genius, to simplify and identify the answer even more clearly! In essence, the logical thing to do here is to play to the judge's tastes!

Would you guys stop speaking in turn like that? It makes you impossible to understand. What exactly do we need to do?

...Could we ask you to change your model for a short while?

I can understand how you might be reluctant to do so...

But the truth is, this is the answer. What's more, we already know how good it is thanks to last year.

...?

Is this what you're talking about? I think this is what I wore last year.

Gwaaa (taking damage)! Now that's what I'm talking about! Kill me nooow!

My excitement has officially peaked!

I applaud your skillful efforts in pinpointing my precise tastes! You have truly outdone yourselves!

Tch... I could've made a killing with geniuses like you on my ship.

That's right! This swimsuit is so exciting it even brings out my inner pirate!

This is nothing less than the Platonic ideal! I know I stressed the importance of exposure earlier, but this is the exception to the rule!

Too cliched? Too ordinary? Saw it coming a mile away? Everyone agrees those are the best parts!

That's why I'm proud to stand up and say this loud! I've said it before, and I'll say it again!

School swimsuits best swimsuits!!!

Specifically...the way its navy blue turns even darker and sticks to the skin when it gets wet.

Truly the mark of high society, though I am open to alternative views on this subject.

Ugh, I'm getting goose bumps... If he'd been on the track, I might have run him over!

Easy there, Helena. Keep your cool. You can't let this speed boost go to waste now!

You two have a LOT to answer for...later. For now, though, we need to focus on the race! Let's go!

Oh my... Telling young women to take off their clothes? Expose themselves? "Nip slips"? I will not stand for it! I forbid it!

He may be a metal demon, trying to temp people off the very path of decency that I pledged to defend...

The one who kept interrupting the Buddha as he was trying to meditate, huh? That's a seriously bad dude.

If this robot is being possessed by such a wicked spirit, we may have to do something about it. Let's teach it a lesson it won't soon forget!

Eee! Don't look at me like that! You two are scaring me!

You're both very pretty and all, but bigger isn't always better! I fully support your level of exposure, though!

...Okay, now that they've slowed down, I'll take advantage of this chance to put some distance between us and check out more of Fran and HeleHuh?

Oh, you're approaching me? Wait, why?

You've got a lot of nerve...

So lack of exposure's no longer a problem all of a sudden!? Double standards much!?

W-wait, wait! Have you forgotten?

I'm just a robot that's been programmed to be a beauty judge. Yelling at me or hitting me won't solve any

Nonetheless!

As women who have had our beauty dissed, we have every right to pound the circuits out of you! Prepare yourself!

Guh! Oogh...

I knew it... He was inside all along.

We ALL knew it all along!

It would seem the competition here is now between two teams!

Hahahaha! This is our chance, Babbage! It is time to surpass your limits!

Steam pressure at maximum, maintaining full speed... No! I can accelerate further!

If any parts get damaged, I'll just repair them later! Forward!

Uh. I'll do my best...!

Hurry up and change your inferior alter-whatnot to direct current already, you half-wit! We need more electricity!

You've got it backwards, furball! Hurry and plug your brutish direct current into the inverter! Then it can finally be useful for once!

Ahahaha, I don't fully get what's going on, but I love how flashy all this lightning is!

I can already feel my stress melting away! Let's really kick this baby into gear!

Just give up and admit it! My daughter is more beautiful!

No, Ms. Blavatsky is! She appeals directly to the enthusiast crowd!

And you think a swimsuit made from bandages doesn't? Listen to yourself!

If our beauty is being evaluated, it's only right to take the beauty of this lightning into account as well!

Lightning once belonged exclusively to the gods, yet now it is we who control it! What could be more beautiful!?

Hold it. Who is that up ahead?

Whew. Swimming really does make for good training.

I was so caught up in swimming I didn't realize I had reached the end of the course. That just goes to show what a warrior can do when she

Hm?

...

I...I see. So that's how it is. How sad. I suppose I truly am cursed to grow more beautiful...

I don't believe that is it. It is more likely that while we slowed down to fight amongst ourselves, you were the only one who maintained a steady pace.

No. This will not stand. I swear this will not stand, AAACHILLES!!!

Start over! Do it again! I will not allow anyone to tell me I am beautiful ever again! As such, I must not be the first to reach the goal!

...It looks like she's trying to drag us back to the starting line by force.

We can't go back now. I'll defeat her!

Uuuuh!

That should make her happy, being defeated by the two most beautiful girls here.

Ugh... So tired...

I wish I could let you rest, my dear, but I am afraid we don't seem to have that luxury.

The other teams have closed the gap while we were fighting her.

We must make one last push if we are to come out victorious in this area. Are you up to it?

Uh. I'll do my best!

...What a good girl you are.

I couldn't agree more. Incidentally, I don't suppose you could also give your Papa a little back massage after he spent all that time working hunched over?

Sure. Hang on.

Huh? Electrotherapy? Wait, slow down. Even at its lowest setting, isn't that a D-ran

Kaaarrrgh!

R.I.P.

...What about you two? I could use a shoulder massage if you don't mind.

Leave it to me. This DC/AC electrotherapy apparatus will cure any sort of shoulder stiffness!