Second Cup: Standby Cha-no-yu

O ancestors... O great beasts.

I implore you, curse me. Lament me. Defile me.

...Hrn!

Phew, this is taking longer than I thought. I guess it has been a long time since I've had a human body.

How much longer is it going to take?

I don't know. Could be a few days. Maybe a few months. We'll just have to be patient.

I hate vague answers like that. Give me some exact numbers.

I'm afraid I can't. My intuition is all I have to go on here.

Or would you prefer a lie?

...No. I hate lying even more. All right then, what is your real answer?

I've just given it to you.

Fine. I know next to nothing about curses, but they are your primary tool.

If you say this is how it is, I will trust you. Please, go on.

Understood.

What about the Chaldeans? What's become of them?

The information network I've built here in my New Yamataikoku is perfect.

We should know where they are soon.

Pardon the interruption. We've just located Chaldea.

Oho. I didn't expect much from a rabble of swordfighters, but it seems you work much faster than I thought.

You honor me, Lord Ishida. Truth be told, I've never been much for violence.

Perhaps I was always a better fit for this kind of work.

So? What are they up to?

They, um... They've opened a tea shop, my lord.

...Say that again?

They've opened a tea shop.

Why?

Okay, souls of New Yamataikoku! Who wants some absolutely delicious tea!?

Only three hundred sen for a medium cup!

Tea, huh? Okay, I'll take one.

Thank you! One medium, Nobbu!

Much appreciated! Here you go! One medium!

Wait. How did we get stuck working at this tea shop!?

Rikyu said it takes a surprising amount of magical energy to operate the Go-an, so...

So maybe we should be collecting that instead of money, right!?

The Go-an is a conceptual Noble Phantasm of my own creation, so it runs on things I desire.

And since I'm perpetually broke, what I desire most is cold, hard cash.

Hmph! A likely story!

Who runs out of fuel right after hyping up their own LITERAL launch!?

If I was the commander of this mission, I'd have your head for this!

Nobbu! I need another medium! Quit slacking off! Back to work!

Here you go! Much appreciated! Dammit! You'd better pay me a fair wage for this!

I'll help too! Much appreciated!

Me too. Much appreciated.

I see. I never thought of using employees to draw in a crowd before. What a wonderful idea.

Here you go! Much appreciated! Hey! Why aren't you helping, too!?

I'm the greatest daimyo in Japan's history! I shouldn't be stuck slaving away like a common salesperson!

I find standing while drinking somewhat stressful, but I can't deny it's a new way to enjoy tea.

Absent any alternative, I'm willing to compromise.

？！

So they're collecting money.

That would seem to be the case, yes.

Why?

Because they have to, obviously.

Collect money, you mean?

Of course. It's just like rations. You collect them if you need them, and get rid of them if you don't.

So what do we do in response?

That should be obvious. We start collecting money as well.

Phew. Shift's finally over. Hey, how 'bout we all celebrate a job well done with some tea?

I thought you might say that, so I went ahead and brewed some. Here you are, everyone.

Ahh, that hit the spot. There's nothing better than tea after a hard day's work.

I worked hard, too!

That's great, Shusha. Go on then, have all the snacks you like. You earned them.

Only if we split them!

So, about New Yamataikoku... What's the story with that, Queen Number Two?

Gosh, it's so surprising, right? Who would have thought there'd be a whole new Yamataikoku here?

No one! There shouldn't BE a New Yamataikoku! The original fell apart after my reign ended!

Aw man, now I've got myself all depressed... (Sniffle)

Ugh, and here I thought the first queen could be a pain in the ass...

So, how DID this happen? You said the souls of the dead made a new kingdom here?

Yes.

As Lady Iyo said, this place is home to a great number of wandering dead souls.

But no matter their numbers, they are still merely souls. With nowhere to go, they were stuck wandering this place in a chaotic jumble.

Neither dead nor alive, they were simply...much like any other citizens of hell.

I had no idea so many souls that should have moved on wound up here instead.

Yeah, that reminds me: You sure you were guiding these souls properly?

'Cause, if you missed enough to make an entire kingdom, it kinda sounds like the answer's no.

O-of course I was!

But without Lady Himiko, I had to do traffic control all by myself.

You can't blame me if I happened to miss a shortcut or two.

R-right!? Exactly, Future! Everybody makes mistakes. The problem is, how do we rectify them?

Exactly. And since I'm the last queen of Yamataikoku, there was nobody coming to replace me. It really sucked...

？！

Then, after the whole place was overrun with dead souls and had completely fallen into chaos, Jibu-no-Shou appeared.

Jibu-no-who?

It's not a who, exactly. More of a title for a position in Japan's Imperial Court. I don't remember what the role to go with the title actually was, though.

In my time, "Jibu-no-Shou" was most closely associated with Lord Kanpaku's right-hand man, Lord Ishida Mitsunari.

Ishida...Mitsunari? I don't remember anyone by that name working for Monkey.

Perhaps you'd be more familiar with the name "Ishida Sakichi," Lady Nobunaga.

Sakichi...? Oh, yeah, I remember now. I think that was one of the kids Monkey was raising.

Think he even brought the kid to work once, saying he was whip-smart and had lots of potential.

The way he bragged about that kid, you'd think they were real flesh and blood.

That's the one. After you bit it at Honnoji, Lord Kanpaku went on to unite Japan under his rule.

Really? "Bit it"? Is that what you're going with?

My apologies. I meant no offense. I simply thought it rolled off the tongue nicely.

Hmph. And here I thought you tea ceremony masters were all about tradition. Anyway, what about Monkey uniting Japan?

Ah, yes. Lord Ishida Mitsunari was instrumental in supporting Lord Kanpaku during his reign. You need only look around you to see why.

When he arrived, he brought with him law and order, he distributed goods, money...

...all of which turned this place, which had been overrun with the lost souls of the dead, into a proper nation in no time flat.

If I were to guess, I'd say he was the best of all Lord Kanpaku's retainers.

So that's how this New Yamataikoku came into being.

Money? Who does this Jibu-no-Shou think he is, reincarnating here in the Yayoi period with his modern economic principles like some kind of isekai protagonist?

Well, this IS the afterlife. Or...uh. Wait. Is it? I'm confused.

This is the border between our world and the next. Right, Shusha?

Uh-huh. Iyo said so.

Hey, don't change the subject.

So this Mitsunari guy introduced currency and turned this actual hell into something like a real nation, yeah?

Money really does make the world go round.

Still, creating a nation of dead souls? That's just crazy.

Well, if we go by precedent, he's probably got a Holy Grail helping him out.

Okay, so our enemy here is Ishida Mitsunari then.

Whoever it is, I'd really like to get going soon. How's our magical energy looking, Rikyu?

If we keep doing business like we have been, I believe we should have what we need in about ten days.

Does that feel weirdly long to anyone else?

I guess these souls probably don't have much in the way of entertainment...and I doubt they ever got a chance to drink tea when they were alive anyway.

So let's just do what we can to sell them as much tea as possible and get this over with.

How about we turn in for today though? I'm not used to customer service jobs, so I'm actually pretty tired.

...

...

Looks like they beat us to it. Come on, Master, Iyo. We should get some sleep, too.

Good point. I'll put up a Bounded Field first, just to be safe.

All right, see you tomorrow.

E-everyone! Come quick!

What is it? Do you have any idea what time it is?

Just hurry up and come with me! You too, Future!

(Yaaawn...) What? What is it?

Hm? Is it time for breakfast?

I don't wanna get up.

What the...!? There's a new teahouse right in front of ours!?

..."Ishida Teahouse"!?

No way. That spot was empty yesterday. How'd they build this overnight?

Looks kind of run-down, though. If you're gonna build something overnight, at least go big like Monkey and make it a whole castle!

One tea, please.

Here you go, sir. That'll be two hundred sen for one medium.

Man, this tea tastes just about as good as that other place's, and it's cheaper, too.

Dammit, it's clearly more popular than ours!

Well, this is a problem. We won't be able to stay in business with them undercutting us like that.

Why those little...! How dare they make a shop more popular than mine! Fine! If that's how they wanna play it, then WE will undercut THEM!!!

I'm afraid that's not an option. It looks like they can charge less thanks to economies of scale.

We, on the other hand, were only barely making a profit. If we cut our prices, we'd just be bleeding money.

Now what do we do? How are we going to get enough magical energy for the teahouse?

...Hmm.

All right. If we can't lower our prices, we'll just have to provide some added value!

Added value?

That's right! It's time for a renovation!

Hmph, so that's all they've got? This is too easy.

That went much more quickly than I expected.

No business can survive without making a profit.

If you can provide better quality at a lower price than your competition, it's impossible to lose.

That makes sense, yes... But why go to all this trouble to begin with?

Wouldn't it be easier to just crush them outright?

...

Why not enjoy a bit of frivolity now and then, Sakichi?

With all due respect, Your Imperial Majesty, I do not partake in such things. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have duties to attend to.

Sakichi, I appreciate that you speak your mind, but such bluntness will never draw followers to you.

I need no followers. I only need people who have sworn loyalty to you, Your Imperial Majesty.

...Now, if you'll excuse me.

Good grief. Oh well, I suppose he wouldn't be who he is otherwise.

He's going to have a hard time making friends like that, though.

"Enjoy a bit of frivolity," huh...

What is it?

It's nothing.

To answer your question, as long as they're conducting business in accordance with my laws, even I have no right to stop them.

Laws? You humans do just love restricting yourselves, huh?

Here are today's reports, sir. Sales at our teahouse have dropped precipitously.

What? Explain.

Well...

Two Shinsengumi meal sets, coming right up. Here's your free Shinsengumi uniform!

Five Honnoji Flaming Hot meal sets, right? Much appreciated!

And here's your free surprise skull bowl!

Isn't that in poor taste?

The teahouse is so packed it's hard to keep up. My Majin meal sets are a huge hit, too.

Makes me wish I had another pair of hands. Much appreciated!

Wahahahaha! Looks like the renovation was a huge success!

I call it "The Original Himiko Teahouse"!

Why didn't you use MY name!?

Well, come on. You're the second queen, and honestly...you don't seem all that popular. Better to stick with the tried-and-true name, even if it's not...you know, true.

I mean, just look how popular our Himiko meal sets have been, even though they're just rice balls.

Well, I know these lost souls must still remember Ms. Himiko's glory really well, so I do get it...

But still, their actual second queen is right here!

Yeah, yeah. Just quit your bellyaching and get back to restocking the vending machines.

Much appreciated! Oh man, it's so hard being second...

Fascinating. So instead of just selling tea, you are focusing on added value to create a more appealing product.

I knew I should never have doubted you, Lady Nobunaga.

Ha! As if this wasn't already one of your oldest tricks.

You and I both know full well how you tricked a country daimyo into overpaying for a worthless bowl just 'cause it had your name on it.

True enough. I suppose you and I are indeed birds of a feather.

Still, novelty is at the heart of the appeal for things like this...and that can wear off fast.

But we only need to keep this up for a little bit, so it's no problem. Let's keep this momentum going. Sell, sell, sell!

So you were thinking that far ahead. Impressive.

Oh? What's going on?

Blech! This tea is horrible! All right, boys! Go to town!

Yessir! We're gonna mess this place up good!

Stop it! Please, stop!

We all worked so hard to make that tea!

Shut up, brat!

Aah!

Get back, Shusha.

You too, Master. These beastmen need to be taught a lesson.

Where'd these things come from?

They're from the Ishida Teahouse. They're obviously just looking for a pretext to shut us down.

How dreadful. Then I'll just have to ask them to leave.

Ah! Rikyu, come back! It's not safe!

Oh, I wouldn't worry about her.

Good sirs, this teahouse is meant to offer all a peaceful place to enjoy a blissful cup of tea. I will not permit violence on these premises.

Stay out of this, girlie!

Huh?

Oh my, this won't do. I got so irritated I let my hands do the talking. And I'm no less irritated.

Y-you little bitch! You realize we work for Lord Ishida!?

And? I bow to no one. Not even His Imperial Majesty Lord Kanpaku himself. Why should I care about Lord Ishida?

D-dammit! Come on, boys! Let's rush 'em!

Thank you. I may have resorted to violence, but there's only so much violence these frail tea maker's hands can mete out.

You sure about that? 'Cause I couldn't even see where that beastman you hit ended up...

It's just you.

Though it is nice to know that my spirit was so strong it apparently caused you to hallucinate.

？！

So you lost?

Yes, sir! I'm so sorry, sir.

What fools they must be, defying Lord Jibu-no-Shou as they are.

Don't change the subject. You said you lost the tea war?

Huh? Uh, yes, sir, that's right.

How? Our tea is at least as good as theirs, if not better.

So how could you possibly lose when we were charging less for it?

They attracted more customers than us by throwing in extras and holding...raffles, I think, with every purchase.

Raffles? With tea? Hahaha, that's good. Looks like they got one over on us here, Lord Jibu-no-Shou.

Are raffles really that big of a draw?

It shouldn't take but two brain cells for it to be obvious that the house always wins such things.

I imagine that is true of you, yes.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing bad.

Anyway, what are we going to do with these beastmen?

The teahouse incident wasn't their fault. I'm the one who misread the situation.

I didn't think it was possible for us to lose if we beat them in terms of price and quality. As usual, there's just no accounting for the unwashed masses.

You are too kind, Lord Jibu-no-Shou.

I promise we'll bring you their heads next time!

Don't be ridiculous. The teahouse incident and your half-cocked "solution" for it are completely different matters.

Huh? Wh-what do you mean?

I don't mind that you lost the battle of business.

But attacking their shop in a fit of lawlessness and then crawling back here after losing to top it all off is more than I can forgive.

Your punishment for this will be appropriately severe, as the law dictates. You are dismissed until your sentencing.

B-but, we were only trying to help you, Lord Jibu-no-Shou!

That is no excuse to break the law! Someone get him out of here at once!

All right you, you're coming with us!

Th-this can't be happening! Stop! Let go of me!

GRAAAHHH!!!

...Men truly are beasts, hmm.

Did you say something?

No. It's nothing.

So, what shall we do about Chaldea?

It appears they're on the move again, and are heading toward the center of this place.

Good point. I think it's time you showed us what you can do, Yamanami.

You want me to take care of the Chaldeans by myself?

I'm not so foolish as to demand the impossible. I will of course make arrangements to aid you.

But I'm also going to see how far you're truly willing to go.

How far...you say?

Ha!

I-is this...the Dark Blight we saw at the last Yamataikoku!? Ghh...!

The Dark Blight... It certainly does look the part, but it's not as pure. No, this is my clan's power: the power of the Ancestral Beast.

Ancestral...Beast!?

A-aaaaaahhh!!!

I endured this myself. I expect you to be capable of managing no less.

Aaaaaaaaah!!!

...

(Huff, huff, huff...) I-it feels like...I'm brimming with power...

Oho. It seems you've adapted to it. You should be glad.

I suppose I should say thank you...

And now, I'm entrusting the task of dealing with Chaldea to you. Ask Kukochihiko how best to make use of your new power.

As for me, I need to make preparations to welcome our lord.

Lord...?

Leave it to me. All right, Yamanami, let's see how well you can make use of our Kuna curses.

...