Section 3: Christmas Present

Mwahahaha!

We're gonna mess this Christmas party up real bad!

Specifically, we're gonna turn the Christmas cake into a kagami mochi rice cake and the Christmas tree into a New Year's kadomatsu decoration!

We're also gonna turn the hot Santa cosplayers into hot kimono babes!

...On second thought, I guess it doesn't matter as long as they're hot!

Hold it right there, dammit!

Who're you!?

You wanna know who I am? Fair enough. My name is Aśvatthāman!

As for what I'm doing here...

...I'm like a Santa Claus whose job is keeping Christmas safe.

And you, bad guy, are about to bad DIE!

Lessee, what was my next line? Oh, right.

Suit on!!!

I'm the ultimate warrior! An avatar of rage!

And I'm gonna kill you dead!

Haaa!

Gaah!

Curse you, Aśvatthāman!

Gaah!

Huh? But I haven't even done anything yet.

I'm sure... But that doesn't make it any less painful...

...Ah well, who cares! The important thing is, I won!

All right everyone, come and get your Aśvatthāman Transformation Kits for a whopping twenty percent off as part of our Christmas Sale Extravaganza! Offer good while supplies last!

Man, what'm I gonna do?

My pocket QP just isn't quite enough to cover it... They really know how to hit us where it hurts.

(Sniff) I just know Hektor's not gonna be happy about me spending money on this sort of thing...

But then again, it might be worth it if that transformation belt makes me stronger!

Of course it can make you stronger. As long as you never lose sight of your dreams, that is!

Hey, Kotarou. How's about you and me team up?

Long as we do that, we'll be golden, baby! (Translation: Let's pool our allowance to buy one.)

Sounds good to me. All right then, let's play rock-paper-scissors to see who gets to wear it fir

(Yawwwn) Glad that's over with.

I gotta say though, this isn't how I pictured Santa Claus. Something about it just seems wrong.

Don't be silly. What could possibly be wrong?

Christmas and capitalism go together like peanut butter and mint juleps.

And by scammingI mean, taking that opportunity to earn QP, we do our part to keep the economy turning.

I know, you're right, but...I dunno.

I still feel like I'm a far cry from what Santa's supposed to be.

Preposterous.

You're red, and you can transform. That more than qualifies you to be Santa Claus.

Enough.

Hm?

Who goes there?

Good day, everyone. I'm

Santa Claus!!!

Hot damn, check out all that Santa Power you got going for you!

No, I'm

Bad. Ass. That's the goldenest red Santa I've ever seen.

(Wait, which is it? Red or golden?)

All right, I've made up my mind! I'm gonna root for Aśvatthāman!

Then I'll root for this new Santa! Not for any particular reason, mind you.

Aw man, which one should I root for? They're both really awesome...

...but I think I've got to go with Aśvatthāman!

(Especially since her umbrella's actually a big syringe! No way would I want her sticking me with that!)

Hmm. Unexpected intruders though you may be, it seems we are obligated to welcome you as a fellow Santa Claus.

Then you all claim to be Santa Claus as well?

Absolutely! We are all Santa Claus here!

We will grow the economy by delivering hopes and dreams, thereby helping people around the world to lead full and happy lives!

That sounds great in theory, but...

？！

It's all part of our stimulus plan.

What was it he called this again? ...Oh, right.

I think I heard him talking to himself about this gig being his ticket to easy money?

I'll thank you to keep that bit to yourself!

It's too soon for me to tell whether your actions are right or wrong...

...but I do get the sense that your interpretation of Santa Claus is overly focused on the economic aspects.

I see.

Then it would seem we each walk very different paths, despite both of us being Santa Claus.

Speaking of which, am I right to assume that you are indeed Santa Claus yourself?

... ...

Well... You might be.

Perhaps I am the sort of Santa Claus you describe.

My job is also to deliver hopes and dreamsthings that we need to ensure tomorrow will be better than today.

What are you talking about?

Perhaps you know what I mean, Master? Surely you've heard me say the word dozens of times by now.

？！

That's right.

Health.

If I am truly Santa Claus, then health is the only gift I will give.

Damn, that's a good motive... Now I feel bad about mine.

Me too.

Santa Claus as the protector of health! What a wonderful idea!

I agree.

Specifically, I'm planning to give out medicine instead of candy.

Wait, what?

That's right. Medicine.

But don't worry. This medicine will still taste perfectly sweet!

Who cares!?

I-I take it all back! That's a terrible idea! Nobody would ever dream about getting medicine for a present!

It doesn't matter how sweet it tastes! Medicine and candy are completely different things!

... ...Really?

Is that true?

Unfortunately... I'm afraid I have to agree with them.

Do you think so too, Master?

？！

Ah yes, the classic Santa quandary. Should a present be what the recipient wants, or something the recipient needs?

Truly a dilemma for the ages.

And you mean to tackle it head-on, do you? Hmm.

I applaud your bravery, Nightingale. The way of the Santa Claus you have chosen may be the most difficult there is.

Does that mean you think my notions about gift-giving are mistaken?

It doesn't matter what I think. Our battle will decide who's right and wrong.

Go on, Aśvatthāman! Take up your arms!

Hm?

Uh, okay. I guess Santa Clause can't back down from a fight, huh?

(Something tells me he doesn't really know what Santa Claus is about, either...)

Very well, Mr. Caesar.

It seems you know what lies beyond the way of the Santa.

So if fighting this battle will allow me to learn that as well...

...then I am happy to accept, one Santa Claus to another!

...So, which one do we root for now?

G-good luck, you two! May the best Santa win!

Medicine or candy... Medicine or candy... She did say the medicine would be sweet... Oh, which one's the right choice?

Argh, I can't make up my mind! Why do I always get stuck with the hard decisions!?

Aw crap! I ran outta Santa Power!

...Wait. Why'd I wanna be Santa again?

I think that takes us more into existential questions than we really have time for...

Hahaha.

Well, that's easy enough, Aśvatthāman.

It's because I was using my own Santa Power to...encourage you towards that end.

So you were using me? Huh!? Is that what you're saying?

Well, yes, I suppose you could put it that way.

But think back on your experiences, and be honest: Didn't you enjoy being Santa Claus?

Hell no I...

... ...

You know what? I did!

Being Santa was a ton of fun!

I especially liked how the audience got all excited whenever I transformed, though I still don't know why!

Hey, there ain't a red-blooded male around who hasn't dreamed about bein' a transformin' superhero at least once.

...Huh? What about my Golden Huge Bear armor?

That is a thing, but everyone knows the big mecha is second place compared to bein' able to TRANSFORM!

I can technically transform, but it's not anywhere near as cool as when you do it.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Fuuma Kotarou. We're still us, no matter what we look like.

So be proud of what you got, dammit!

O-okay!

So what do you transform into, anyway?

A grotesque, red-skinned monster about two-hundred and sixteen centimeters tall.

I can still think when I'm in that form, but I can't pull my punches anymore since I'm basically half-mad.

Ah, that's no problem. There were guys with transformations like that back in my day, too!

You don't say!

("No problem" my ass. If Raikou ever catches Kotarou like that, his head'll be on the floor faster than you can say "golden"...)

Well, Nightingale? Did you learn anything from our little tête-à-tête?

...No. If anything, I feel like I now understand Santa Claus less than ever.

Other Santas provide children with hopes, dreams, candy, and gifts.

But if I were Santa Claus, the only thing I would offer is medicine.

I have no idea what the right answer is. I can't even see a way for me to figure out what it could be.

Ah, my dear Nightingale. It seems there is one thing you still have yet to realize.

Huh?

Let's say you come across two patients. One is suffering from external injuries, the other from pneumonia.

What would you do?

Well, first I'd determine which patient is in greater need of medical assistance...

Then I would stitch up the trauma victim's wounds or administer medicine as needed...

......

!

There you go.

Just as no two patients have the same needs, no two children have the same wants.

As long as you understand that, I have no doubt you will go on to be an excellent Santa Claus!

Huh?

Does that mean the person who made us all Santas isn't this year's Santa?

No, they are not. Though they do excel at enticing others towards Santadom.

？！

Indeed there is.

I was under the impression that Ms. Nightingale had met with the same misfortune as us, but perhaps I was mistaken?

...Yes, you were. I don't recall ever meeting anyone like that.

I don't even remember when or how I became Santa Claus.

So who is this person you're talking about, Caesar?

Hahaha, surely you can think of any number of individuals at Chaldea who could be responsible for a mishap like this.

...A great number, come to think of it.

？！

That being said...

...I suspect you may already have a firm image of this latest caper's culprit in your head, Master.

Picture someone who loves festivals and parties... Someone who has yet to show their face in all this commotion.

Add a few more conditions to narrow it down further, and I'm confident you'll soon see what's really going on here.

？！

All right, everyone, if you're still looking for the perfect present, the Caesar Company will be happy to assist.

And if that perfect present should be for the lad(ies) in your life, Cleopatra will get you fixed up in no time!

By the way, there's something I've been meaning to tell you guys for a while now.

Yeah?

What is it?

You know my name? Aśvatthāman?

It's not Aśvatthā Man. It's Aśvatthāman, one word.

IT IS!?!?!?

I can't believe it... All this time, we thought Aśvatthā stood for something really cool!

Yeah... Somethin' awesome, special, and golden...!

Well, sorry to disappoint. "Aśvatthāman" just means something along the lines of "horse neighing."

AWESOME!

Ah, don't give me that. 'Sides, your names mean "evil wind" and "golden time," right? That sounds pretty awesome to me!

Okay! I've made my decision!

I was taught long ago never to disobey older girls or nurses...

...so since Nightingale is both, I have to go with her!

...Huh? It's already over?

Nightingale's not even here anymore?

... ...

You need to learn to be more decisive.

...(Sniff)

Is something wrong, Mr. Fujimaru?

...I see. I'm glad to hear that.

Still, we have been up here for quite a while now. Let's take a little break.

I see. I am sorry about that.

Since changing into this dress, whenever that happened, I have found there is something about flying by umbrella that is oddly appealing to me...

Even so, I will take us down to land.

？！

... ...

Master, could I talk to you about something?