The Oni of the 30th Floor

...

Hm? Isn't that...!

Indeed... I never thought we would see you here, Mr. Holmes!

No wonder he didn't respond when I called him. I guess he must have found out about this before the rest of us.

Hey, Great De-Slack-tive. What do you think you're doing over there instead of helping me out back here?

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Hm? What am I doing here, you ask? I am afraid I must give you two contradictory answers.

I am doing exactly what I always do, and I am doing something I can't usually do.

I'm terribly sorry, but I'm afraid I have never been very good at solving riddles.

That goes for puzzle games as well.

There is just something irritating about a game where you cannot win by skewering your opponent...

？！

Well now, it seems my habits have unwittingly claimed another victim.

Please pay it no mind, my lady. I assure you, it is not as difficult a riddle as it may seem.

The first answer is, of course, solving riddles. It would seem I am something of a riddle-solving oni.

Riddles...? Then, do you mean you have already unraveled the mystery of this incident, Lord Holmes?

You know what it is Shuten-Douji and Ibaraki-Douji mean to accomplish with this tower?

Naturally. And so as not to break with tradition, I shall refrain from sharing the answer.

You are a gamer, so I imagine you will understand my reasoning.

It would be the height of boorishness to reveal a game's secrets so early on.

Ah! You mean like when people go around posting spoilers!? Of course I am familiar with that!

Those scoundrels who so callously reveal the last boss's name are far worse than any wicked demon!

Indeed, just the other day I stuffed Lord Blackbeard into a barrel and inferno'd it after he told me the heroine is the true last boss of the game I am currently playing!

？！

That is why I have chosen to remain silent on this matter. Furthermore, this time, I am not here at anyone's behest.

Given that this is a highly personal case, I decided I was entitled to act for my own reasons as well.

Specifically, this reason...

Mmm... Delicious.

Indeed, the only complaint I could make about Chaldea would be its limited assortment of wines.

Servant though I may be, I still enjoy a good Bordeaux or Tokay from time to time.

Of course, strictly speaking this is not the genuine article...but it is quite a creditable reproduction.

Doubtless it is the result of such an...avid drinker tapping into an abundant magical energy source.

So... Let me make sure I have this straight, Mr. Holmes. Based on everything you've told us

Lord Holmes, do you mean you agreed to guard this floor...

...in exchange for your favorite brand of alcohol?

Ah, right you are!

...

Welp, looks like you don't have to worry about holding back now, Fujimaru.

In fact, I've got a special mission for you on this floor and this floor only.

Beat the hell out of that lazy wino and drag him back here! Preferably kicking and screaming!

Understood. I am greatly relieved to see this will be a test of strength rather than wits. Come, Master!

Oh well, I suppose break time is over. Farewell, my beloved Tokay.

That's it. You get your lazy butt back home. You've got looots of work waiting for you.

Not to mention aaall those things you still have to investigate, riiight?

(Sigh) There are few things in the world more dull than background checks. All without an ounce of mystery.

Nonetheless, as a now former guard, I will tell you just a bit about this tower before we part ways.

In brief, this will not escalate into a major crisis. On that much, you have my word.

You will find that the guards past this point are thinking things along the lines of...

..."Hey, this is more like a vacation than guard duty." Some more so than others, of course.

That said, this tower is unlikely to disappear until someone makes the trek up to the top floor.

So your task remains unchanged, Mr. Fujimaru.

Continue climbing this tower at your own pace, and you WILL eventually reach the top. That is the name of the game, as it were.

...Now, before we go our separate ways, would you mind if I asked you something?

When Ms. Da Vinci told me to return, why did she point towards the window rather than the staircase?

Surely you don't mean

Why, because she entrusted me with this:

A High-Speed Ground Level Return kit.

...I was afraid of that. I presume you mean this wonderfully cheap, simply made rope?

That's right. It's just a plain old rope. I knew you would catch on quickly, O great detective... I hope you die.

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Non non, it's a cutting-edge return kit with built-in automatic elevation adjustment!

Sure, it may bounce you a few times more than could be considered necessaryor safebut hey, even a genius has to get her kicks somewhere!

Just watch out that you don't slam into the building when you bounce. It'd be a waste of good rope if it ended up snapping.

...Well then, if you will excuse me, I think I shall employ the nearest staircase for a leisurely trip home.

I should mention that I had the general there tie the rope to the target before he could notice.

There, all done.

In war as in FPS games, the most effective strike is the one your opponent never sees coming.

Now, go on, Lord Holmes.

Heh. Very well then. No true gentleman would flinch at such a thing. Besides, this jump is nothing compared to the falls at Reichenba

Er, on second thought, I only survived that by using the professor as a cushion. I'm not certain I like my chances here without any

Ah, aaaaaahhh...!

Ahh, this water is great.

I have a hot spring Noble Phantasm myself, but these Japanese hot springs are really nice too.

Having a bath out in the middle of nature instead of an ostentatious building is a nice change of pace... It's so elegant!

Good point. It's a lot like Macedonian baths in some ways, and very different in others. Fascinating.

The occasional break would not be so bad if it meant we get to experience things like this.

Really, it's just nice to get to experience new things!

Speaking of fresh, King of Macedonia, now that I see you up close...

...I realize you are much more muscular than I thought.

Well sure. I do train every day, you know.

...If anything, I find you impressive, King of Kosala.

With that build of yours, I have no trouble believing the tales that are sung about your heroic exploits.

Naturally. I was able to take Sita back, but I will need to do so again.

...That is why, if there is a test of strength to be completeda chance to push myself even further I will never let it pass me by.

All the more so if my opponents are kings themselves. As such, I propose a round of arm wrestling. What do you say?

Oh? Sure, that's fine with me.

Ahahaha, that sounds like fun, but I think I'll pass. I'm more into literature than combat.

And speaking of literature... What're you doing off on your own over there?

Are you an idiot or a sadist? On second thought, don't bother answering. It's obviously the latter!

I'm not so stupid a writer that I'd actually go out in public. I'm well aware where I belong in society.

Besides, you kings only ever talk about the same thing, over and over! I swear, have none of you ever heard the word "clichéd" before!?

So don't worry about me. Just pretend I'm not here, and give me something I can work with!

You guys might be walking clichés, but at least you've refined those clichés to an art by now!

Between all your mediocre adventure stories, there ought to be at least one idea I can use!

Ahaha, you really are a consummate author, even while you're insulting us, Mr. Andersen.

I'm not sure even my grown-up self could change you or your principles.

It'd be a dream come true if you and the great playwright ever collaborated on something. Since he loves himself as much as you hate yourself, I'm sure whatever you came up with would be

Are you always like this, or has the heat gotten to your head? You couldn't make me collaborate with him for all the gold pieces in the world.

Just imagine what would happen if we tried writing a story with the same theme. The book would be split right down the spine.

Right, sorry about that. I should have known you'd never go for something you really wanted. I admire your restraint.

You really ARE an idiot! I couldn't possibly care less about collaborating with him!

If we really did write two halves of the same book, we'd only end up arguing over who deserved the greatest share of royalties!

Hmm, good point. That IS a major problem for authors, isn't it?

You know, you seem to be in an even worse mood than usual, Mr. Andersen.

Do you not care for hot springs?

Hmph. I like lounging about naked after a bath just fine, but no, I don't find hot springs to be especially enjoyable.

...To begin with, I'm not in the habit of taking my clothes off around others. But you'd never know it from all the fuss those fools make about how good hot springs are for the creative process!

So let's get something straight. The idea that bathing in a hot spring will make your manuscript write itself is, at BEST, a myth.

If you're going to push an author into a hot spring thinking he'll emerge with a manuscript, you might as well give a bunch of monkeys typewriters instead. You'll get the same results either way!

Relaxation? Stress relief? Soothing aching writing hands and shoulders?

Fools! Do you think we use nothing more than our arms and heads to write our manuscripts!?

What's more, we are forced to sell our work at cut-rate prices! We've never been anything more than slaves to our pens and publishers!

I can't even count how many times I've written something down only to wonder what I was thinking!

Okay, I believe that makes two out of three...?

Hold it, that one didn't count. My Brahmastra slipped. I demand a rematch.

Fine with me, of course. Should we make it best out of five then? That way we can keep going longer.

(Ahh... This is nice.)

(So many different Servants, each with their own pasts and their own ways of living.)

(Those differences are even apparent in how they enjoy hot springs.)

(And since the ones here now are so close in physical age, the ways they differ must stand out even more.)

(Watching them from a distance like this might be the most luxurious way there is to enjoy it... Hehe...)

(...That's a super shady smile if ever I've seen one. He better not be plotting something again...)