Section Six: Terrifying Things

(Sigh)...

Are we really, truly going to hand out this chocolate for free?

I mean, this is chocolate we're talking about! It may be the single most valuable thing in this city!

Surely we can get away with charging just a LITTLE for it, right...?

I see you still haven't completely given up your scalping ways, Oboro.

But forget it. This chocolate is only for handing out to struggling lonelyhearts. It's their last ray of hope!

Yeah, Obochin. (Nom nom nom) They're all counting on us to bring this to them. (Nom nom nom)

Then stop eating their last ray of hope already, will ya!?

Ahhh... I hate this!

All this treasure right in front of me, and I can't so much as put a price tag on it...

Hey, don't knock handing chocolate out until you've tried it.

In my case, the lonelyhearts always get all teary-eyed and praise me like I'm some kind of goddess.

It really opened my eyes to the whole philanthropy thing, you know?

I don't think that word means what you think it means...

Basically, it feels good both to give and to receive, right?

Now that's what I call a win-win! Wahaha!

All right, we'd better get to work if we're not gonna be outdone.

Let's go do our best out there, Gatty!

Um... I still don't understand why you brought me here...

I mean, I know I've been getting flamed like crazy ever since my "Death to Normies" plan was leaked...

...so it's not like I could stay there anymore, anyway...

But I still had (stress-free) gaming I wanted to get to now that I don't have a weekly comic anymore!

Oh, I gotcha. So you're an indoor gal, huh, Gatty?

I used to be into that too for a while, but being all alone all the time was way depressing.

Sometimes you just gotta get outside, get some sunlight, and stretch your wings as far as they'll go!

What sunlight!? I can't even see the sun through all these clouds!

I want to see your angel wings for myself!

Nani the heck are you talking about!?

Senpai! Kaoruko-senpai! Can you PLEASE do something about her before I go crazy!?

... ...

You mean you weren't even listeniiing!?

Man, Kaorucchi's sure been lost in thought. Any idea what's on her mind, Chan-mas?

？！

Hmm.

Oh well, I guess there are some things only people from the same time and place can really understand.

？！

Nnn, honestly, yeah, I'm dying to know what's going on with her.

But you can't force things like this. You've just got to wait for the other person to open up.

Dammit, Kaorucchi, I thought we were friends. Don't you remember our promise to never keep secrets from each other!?

I made no such promise.

Oh, THAT got your attention, huh!?

You there. Are you going into the district up ahead, young ones?

I'd turn around and head back the way you came if I were you. Trust me, you're better off that way.

？！

Well, there's no way a guy hanging out here in this filthy corner of town by himself would be living the good life.

You're a lonelyheart too, aren't you, old man?

Indeed. I've been without a girlfriend for as long as I've been alive.

That long?

That long?

This here is the hidden village of lonelyhearts...

Those of us who faced severe persecution in that district all ran away here to make a new life on our own.

Damn, I don't even want to think about how pathetic a village like that's gotta be...

Of course, it's only a matter of time until we'll have to leave this place behind, too...

What happened here, old man? What's the admin running this place like?

I can't. She's too horrible to even describe. Leave, now. Before it's too late...

Eldeeerrr!

It's the Lonelyheart Police! They're headed straight for us!

This is it... They're finally gonna round us up and ship us all off to the sanatorium!

Dammit. We were too late...

A sanatorium? Does that mean you won't just be demoted to third-class citizens?

O-o-oh man, that sure is a lot of police headed this way!

It looks like someone's riding the palanquin up in front. Is that this district's admin?

Indeed. That is none other than the monstrous, unnamable admin who runs this district.

We usually call her...

...the Gent Killer!

？！

There you are. So this is where you've all been hiding.

Please, just do what you're told. You won't get any better without proper treatment.

Eep! F-forget it!

That's right, you demon! No way are we letting you take us!

It's okay. What you all have is an illness, but the sanatorium will make you all better.

Don't worry. I'll be right there by your side. That's a Murasaki promise.

Murasaki...!

(I knew it! Then that must mean...!)

Oh my... Oh my, my, my. What a lovely surprise!

Why, you're just adorable! The cutest thing I've ever seen!

Whoa, blonde hair! I've never seen blonde hair before! Holy hell, I can't believe how cute you are!

Hey, what's your favorite food? Mine's shaved ice, easy!

... ...

Um... Is this a case of "stranger danger"?

... ...

Nope, they're safe, ma'am!

Whew...

Hello. It's nice to meet you all. My name's Murasaki, and my favorite food is pancakes.

Oh, yeah, I know what those are. They're like dorayaki without the sweet beans in between!

Huh? Don't you mean hotcakes?

No, she means griddle cakes.

Wait. I thought they were called flapjacks.

I'm sorry to interrupt, everyone, but I really don't think that's important right now!

Especially not when we have more immediate concerns!

Um, I'm sorry. I'm not really sure what you're all talking about...

And anyway, I still have to take all those men to the sanatorium.

So please don't interrupt me anymore.

Lady, um...Murasaki...

Could I ask what this sanatorium you wish to take them to is called?

The Adult Male Reeducation Center.

Huh?

The Adult Male Reeducation Center.

U-um...and may I ask what sort of center that is?

It's a place for helping single men over thirty get their life back on track.

The law says that anyone who goes through his entire life without managing to get even one girlfriend has to be admitted there.

I mean, any man without a girlfriend has got to be a Mutant Gentleman, right?

？！

That's right! She's off her rocker!

Once she gets you in her sights, she ends up certifying you as a Mutant Gentleman whether you deserve it or not!

There's no woman out there who'd want to give chocolate to a guy charged with being a mutant...

So once that happens, our only choice is to be effectively robotized in the sanatorium, or to live out our lives as third-class citizens!

Damn, that does sound pretty rough.

So what do we do now, Beardie? I mean, that admin's obviously still just a kid.

Beardie?

Blonde hair... Fair skin... A beautiful, coldhearted young maiden...

Easy there, Higekuro. Remember, she's just a kid... And yet, what is this song dancing in my heart...?

Come on, Me, what's the harm? Go for the gusto!

Shut up, Devil Me! Get out of my head!

That's right, Me. You should start by just talking to her.

You're no better than Devil Me!

Uh-oh. This isn't good... I don't think I can contain myself much longer!

Um... Is THIS a case of "stranger danger"?

... ...

Heee's outta theeere!!!

I'm sorry! Gent Annihilation Beaaam!

Gaaaaaarrrghhh!

？！

I really am sorry about that! But it would be wrong to go easy on men who have lost their way!

Hm? Say, you there...

You look like the kind of person who'd give a girl who's never stayed up past her bedtime before a midnight snack.

？！

Please, don't make this harder than it has to be. You all have an illness...

Trust me, you'll feel better once you're all admitted to the sanatorium and start turning your lives around!

...Begone, earthly desires!!!

Come on, you lot, let's do this thing!

We need to show this little brat that even sad sacks have their pride!

I don't mind helping out, but the idea of fighting for male pride really isn't getting me motivated...

Do you mind if I charge extra for this?

Huh? How would a dainty young woman like me know how hapless single guys feel?

Oh no. I just now realized that our team consists entirely of women!

Bahahaha! Looks like you're living the harem dream, Beardie!

Who asked you!?

We... We won! We really won!

Hey, Beardie? Just so you know, a grown man going all out against a kid is a really bad look.

Did you not see how that kid nearly killed me with that beam!?

I... I don't believe it...

Thank you, youngster. Thank you for saving us poor lonelyhearts.

Finally, I can clear up this damn misunderstanding!

Yeehaw! From here on, I'm getting a piece of all the action in town!

Yeah, that's not happening.

Oh, this is terrible. Now all these sick people are going to go out to mix among society at large.

There's going to be so many cases of stranger danger...

Is that really what this is though?

Now, now, there's no need to be so pessimistic.

There are still grown-ups out there who see it as their job to protect children...

...which is why this world still hasn't crossed a line, even if it has come awfully close.

So...which are you? Do you want to protect children, or...

Oh yes, I'll gladly protect them.

The day that I get put in charge of this city...

...will be the day I slap explosive collars on every dangerous stranger in town, like that bearded guy over there.

Um, I heard that, you know. What gives!?

？！

Oh, don't worry, teehee. It was just a random example.

By the way, Lady Murasaki, how do you feel about fluffy ears?

Great, she's just as bad as them!

Man, you're really tough for a kiddo! I couldn't believe my eyes!

Oh, it's you... The weird one.

Wahahaha! Hey, I'm not THAT weird!

Anywho, pancakes are great and all, but what do you think of chocolate, Sakky?

Sakky...?

Anyway, yes, I love chocolate too. And I much prefer eating it over confiscating it.

Is that so!?

Then here, have a friendship chocolate! I give one of these to all my friends.

Friendship...chocolate?

I haven't had a single friend since I came here.

Does this mean...you'll be my friend?

Wahaha, you know it!

Thanks to this chocolate, me, Aocchi, Obochin, and Gatty there became besties!

I never said I was your friend.

You and I have never been friends, and we never will be!

You literally forced that chocolate down my throat!

Huh?

... ...

You're funny.

Aoi... Oboro... Yugao... Murasaki...

That's four of them now. It can't possibly be a coincidence.

But, I still don't understand... Why make a world like this?

Seeing how every one of these districts is so horrid, I can only surmise that they were made with...

... ...

...malice...

There you are, Kaorucchi! What're you doing all the way out here?

... ...

Hey, come on. If something's bothering you...

(Gasp) No way. Don't tell me you're having... romantic troubles!?

Well geez, why didn't you just say so, you silly goose!?

You know I love talking about love and stuff! It's one of the things I'm best at!

No, it's not that...

But, there is something I want to talk to you about. I hope you'll hear me out...

...Sei Shounagon.