EP 4: Spin! Spin! The Terrifying Teacups!

... ...

Haha.

... ...

Hahahaha.

...Why am I doing this?

It looks like another Holy Grail has shown up, but this one looks like it doesn't quite have the capacity to be referred to as an all-powerful wish-granter.

I must say though, an amusement park is certainly new for me. ...Have you ever been to one before?

What do you think? There is no possible route history could have taken in which I would willingly indulge in such frivolous entertainment.

And yet... (Sigh) I somehow find myself sitting in an absurdly large ceramic cup, spinning for no reason that I can see.

I heard that if we turn this thing in the middle here, we can spin even faster.

That will not be necessary.

I heard if you spin fast enough, you can make yourself dizzy and even sick.

Hahaha. Here we go!

What did I just say!?

So cramped...

I can't say I see the point in riding this contraption with one's better half, but I do see the point in spinning around and around like this!

I only wish it wasn't so cramped! I'm sorry, Cleopatra! I'm sorry for always imposing on you!

Urk.

...(Gasp) N-not at all, Lord Caesar! I'm not giving up yet!

I may have gotten stuck in an awkward position after attempting to sit in your lap...

...but that's a small price to pay to be this close to you! Even if it isn't quite what I was expecting!

Ahh, I have never been more grateful to be a Servant than I am today!

Cleopatra! You really care for me that

Because we're so sturdy!

Oof. I guess I misunderstood...

If I were human, I'd be in agony from broken ribs right now!

But now, I'm a Servant with a shapely body of ether that is much more difficult to damage!

Ahh, being a Servant is wonderful! Now I'll never have to worry about dying on your lap!

!!!

Oh, Cleopatra! I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I know I should try and lose some weight!

Hmm... Maybe...if I got a swimsuit, and changed my Spirit Origin, I could become a much slimmer Rider...?

What did you say?

My Lord Caesar, slim again, and...in a swimsuit!? P-please don't say things like that!

I've only just started to come to grips with reality... What would become of my poor mind if you lost weight!?

Lord Kotarou! Lord Kotarou!

It appears that this teacup ride spins faster and faster the more you turn the platter in the middle!

That's right. Just be careful.

Careful? Of what?

We Servants are so strong that you might end up turning heaven and earth on their heads if you keep spinning the cup past its limits.

It could wind up another Caladbolg or Tarasque. So we need to be care

...Lady Danzo?

Oh no, oh no no no...

I had no idea such an innocuous-seeming ride could be so dangerous! Not even my secondary processors alerted me to this potential outcome!

B-but worry not, Lord Kotarou! I will not fail to protect you, no matter what!

My ether body is especially tough, thanks to my mechanical nature!

All right! I will protect you starting right now!

(Glomp)

!!!

(...I'll have to prostrate myself and apologize for this later.)

Okay, Cú! Say ahhh♡

Go on, before the ice cream inside this crêpe melts. Ahhh♡

Shut up.

Come ooon, it's gonna melt! You don't want it to melt, do you!?

Who cares?

Ah well, I guess it could be worse. Like what's going on over there...

It is all too clear to me. I can no longer restrain myself.

Had I not materialized in this Spirit Origin, perhaps I could have gone for a spin in the teacups like the other couples...

...but there is no point in dwelling on that now.

As fire incarnate, I am incapable of stopping myself. I cannot resist thrusting this spear through your body.

Please understand. Please, let me impale you...

...my beloved Sigurd.

...

... ...

...Ahem!

...Brynhild, beautiful warrior maiden... This is hard for me to say, but...

Yes, my love?

You have the wrong man.

Emergency, emergency. Sister is approaching a male Heroic Spirit!

Is it Sigurd!?

No, it's a different warrior... Sir Siegfried.

Oh, okay. But...is it just me or do they seem awfully similar?

It doesn't matter how similar or dissimilar they are. We need to figure out what to do about any Heroic Spirit that gets too close to our sister.

I'll kill him.

No, no, no! We can't do that! He's one of Master's Servants! We need to handle this more peacefully.

I'll kill him.

Thrúd!

Oh, for Odin's sake...

There are so many Heroic Spirits getting along here... Chaldea is such a fascinating place.

The hell it is!

Would you get this through your thick goddamn skull already!? I! DON'T! KNOW! YOU!

And lose the pout!

That's right, it's me! Attraction Manager Teach! I'm taking everyone for a spin! Got a problem with that!?

Ugh, this sucks! I've never been more pissed off in my life!

How'd I get stuck managing the lovey-dovey couple ride? Why me? Why meee!?

And if that wasn't bad enough, Servants don't get sufficiently dizzy to puke on each other and break up!

Ugggh, this sucks! It's so boring! I freakin' hate it! You agree, right, Master!?

Argh! Et tu, Master!? Does nobody here understand me!?

Hey, I recognize that look! Hehe, so you're all alone too, eh, Master?

Nice try, but you can't put anything past old Blackbeard.

？！

There's the manager for this attraction. He looks like he'd be more at home on a pirate ship than a teacup.

Say... What about a coffee cup ride! Something that couples and families alike could enjoy!

I do wonder though... Why are there so many couples here? It almost seems deliberate.

...Ugh. Is this about love?

Is that what this is all about? Love?

Would it be a problem if it was?

Problem? Me? Nothing's a problem for me.

It's just... Hmm... It's hard to describe, but I guess when I think about it, I get a headache. That's all.

Love, huh...

Hmm.

Never mind that now! Look, Master! The true Lady Medb really is completely fine!

What a relief

!!!

You calling me a thief?

All right, that does it. First you steal my fun, now you steal my shtick?

I sense murderous intent!

Master! Lady Ibaraki! Lady Sitonai! That so-called manager is looking our way with a most murderous gaze!

And what, you're a ninja, too? You're one of those girls with waaay too many attributes, aren't you?

Well in case you didn't get the memo, this is MY time to shine, not

Hang on. That outfit... That demeanor! You're a widow, a shrine maiden, AND a kunoichi, aren't you!?

Aw crap, what've I done? I've finally hit a girl who checks all my boxes and I've made an enemy of her!

Oh, hang on! I've got an idea!

Hey, Ms. !

Y-yes? What is it?

Go out with me!

Even if it's out of pity!

!!!

!?

...Interesting.

I... Um... I-I am afraid I am already committed to serving Master...

B-b-besides, I could never betray . S-still, it must have taken a lot of courage for him to confess his feelings for me...

？！

A-a-are you sure about that...!?

Thinking about it some more, I am not sure it is right to flatly turn down a man I know almost nothing about!

B-besides, I must admit...

It is not entirely unpleasant to hear a confession of love directed my way...

... ...

(Wait, what?)

(She actually thinks I was being serious?)

(Does this mean...she's easy?)

(Do I actually have a chance?)

(Does this mean I should go for it?)

(Does this mean it's okay to do my best Uncle Fergus impression?)

(Has the day finally come when I can raise a family with a pure, innocent girl instead of a top-heavy gold digger!?)

？！

Aw crap! Was that all out loud?

...(Yaaawn)

This is so boring I almost fell asleep. Are you done yet?

Love this, love that. Who cares!? Leave that stuff for the birds and fishes, I say.

You there. You're one of the attraction managers, right?

So you've got a gold fragment of your own?

Mmm. Solid bloodlust. That's more like it.

You're one of those pirate people, right!? This is how you oughta behave!

I'll see your blade and raise you my spear!

Now hand over your gold and die like the scum you are!

Gnnh! So many cute Heroic Spirit girls after my head!

This might be the best day ever! I almost feel like I should be paying you!

Wh-what are you talking abou

I need more! More! More love!

Hrghhhhhh... Graaaaaaah!!!

Yeeeeees! Envy! Jealousy! Resentment! Losers of the world, lend me your strength!

Lend me your pooooooooower!!!

Hehehe. Looks like it worked.

It's a Spirit Origin Ascension!

He's using the gold's magical energy! Watch out! It's made him much stronger than he was before!

Sorry to keep all you lovely ladies waiting. The insect who told me to die like scum...less so.

Don't worry. I'll make sure you have plenty of fun this time around.

...How about me? Can I get in on this?

？！

Oooh, is that a pretty girl I hear and smell?

Whoa, that was close! Where'd that giant club come from!?

Hey, that could've killed me! I'd love to see the pretty girl that threw it!

Well, I guess if you insist, I'd better oblige.

...Magifender Girl is on the scene again!

...It's all fine and good if the heavens forgive you, I guess.

If Earth wants to forgive you, that's its business. And I reeeally don't care if humans forgive you.

Buuut, if you want little old me to forgive you, that'll depend on my mood, sweetie.

Hmph.

Go ahead, do whatever you want. Doesn't matter to me.

...I'm a magifender, and magifense is me...

Magifender Girl is on the scene again!

？！

Um, is it just me, or is this getting kind of predictable?

Don't be ridiculous. This is the best part of every episode!

Uh... If you say so.

!!!

!!!

Sh-she totally just winked at me!

Huh? What are you talking about?

...Look, I know everyone makes mistakes, so I can let it go this one time.

Magifender Girl was obviously looking at me, not you. Besides, you're human. You don't get to be excited about oni!

Huh? Horned girls and oni chicks are all the rage these days! If I wanted to, I could destroy you with oni-derived expressions alone! How do you like that, huh!?

You're just talking nonsense! Ugh, Master, this isn't getting us anywhere. Let's just kill him and be done with it!

Now that I'm dressed more like Oni Cure, there's no point in dragging this out!

？！

Now I understand! You do look much more chic now, Ibaraki! It's a cute look for you!

Y-you think so? Hehehe.

So "chic" means "matches Oni Cure," huh? Got it!

Well look at you. Hehehehe. You and I could pass for twin Magifender Girls.

!!!

Twin Magifender Girls!!! That sounds awesome!

Between the two of us, I bet we could rip that gold from him niiice and easy.

Yeah, yeah. I'm getting to it.

Hmph. So you're still gonna play at being a hero?

Oh? Keep giving me lip and I might just have to rip them off. Like this.

Gaah!

Okay, enough of that. Let's get started, shall we♪

Ouchie... This is exactly why oni are so terrifying...

？！

...Oni are oni. We go wherever we want and do whatever we please.

I might be a magifender, but I'm still an oni at heart.

You'll have to forgive me if I end up grinding your bones to dust and your muscles into hamburger, Beardie!

That sounds great, thank you! Hell, I wouldn't even mind if you all leaped into my arms at once!

Go on, leap!

Gaaaaaah!

...Heh. Gotta say, that was fun. No better way to go out than mixing it up with a bunch of cuties.

Ahh, I'm so glad I got to be a Gold Servant!

...You did great.

Come on, it's okay. I'll make sure to get you back home.

...Welcome back.

That takes care of the second gold fragment!

All right, guess I'll be on my way then. All this running around is wearing me out.

You should get some rest. Later, losers.

Ah! She just ran off again!

Very well then, shall we start looking for the third gold fragment now, or fall back to Lady Sitonai's hideout first?

For my part, I am worried about Master using too much magical energy, so...

Good point. We should probably hold off on the next attraction for now. Instead, we can go to...

...the food court!

How about we go there and get some rest and refreshment!?

What blithering fools they are! Gehehehe! Gahahahahaha!

They've done me a huge favor, getting rid of that creepy Blackbeard oni!

I wanted to fire him ages ago, but I couldn't do it in front of the other employees.

Anyway...

It looks like they're heading for the food court next. Gaaahahahaha! If only they knew what awaited them!

Oniland's food court might serve amazingly delicious meals and treats...

...but for those who would cause trouble here, it's also a kitchen of pure terror! Gehehehe!

I've got a plan to ambush those rude guests as soon as they walk through the door! I call it...

Operation "Seafood or Beef? Why Not Both!"

Enjoy your fun while it lasts, Chaldee-something or other and Magifender Girl! Tomorrow it all ends!