Section 5: Thirty-Second Performance of "Cyrano de Bergerac"

It certainly is...convenient how well everything works out...

I'm sorry! It was the best I could come up with under the circumstances!

Hey, I think it's great. I get to live now!

Looks like nothing really changed for me. The last chapter is still set fifteen years later, too.

Though the last scene is now a wedding ceremony.

Indeed. I figured, if we're going to embarrass ourselves, we may as well go...how do you say nowadays? Full cringe!

Ooh, Roxane gets to be a bride. Yaaay.

Fin heureuse; a happy ending! Hehe, that does sound lovely.

In the original script, Roxane spends fifteen years in a convent mourning Christian's death...

...so I like this new direction a lot more!

So who does Christian end up with now? Oh, I guess we don't find that out, huh?

I thought that would needlessly complicate things, so I decided to wrap his story up in the ending monologue.

Gotcha.

You know, I know you're the main character and everything, but it's still really impressive how you whipped up a revised script so quickly.

Well, to tell you the truth...I know I said I never would have thought of this on my own, but I've actually been thinking about it for a while.

Really? So then, maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

Not at all, Chuck. If you hadn't brought it up, I would never have been able to go through with it.

Then I'm glad I could help.

All right, now we just need to rehearse! We'll go with the same cast as we did for the thirty-first show!

All the lines will stay the same except for the ending. The first time we rehearse the new ending, we'll read from the script.

We won't need any costume changes, but we will need to change one of the backgrounds, so I'm counting on you, our faithful crew, to handle that.

Okay, everyone, let's get to work!

Hey, Master and the gang.

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That's what I said. Are the other Chaldeans around?

Yes, of course. Why? Is there some sort of emergency?

Yup, we're here. What's up?

Well, uh... I was just wondering how I should deliver this line in the third act.

Hmm. Unfortunately, all the performing arts Servants are away at the moment.

And since Mash isn't around right now, either...I guess Gordy and I will just have to step up.

Me!? I'm a mage, not an actor!

Hmm. Unfortunately, all the performing arts Servants are away at the moment.

And since Mash isn't around right now, either... I guess I'll just have to do what I can.

Well, it's the scene in the third act when I decide to try speaking for myself.

Last time, it was like I got so confident I became insufferable, but doesn't this script seem kind of far from that?

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The Christian in this script is a pretty good guy, so it does seem like a fairly drastic change.

Hmm. But wouldn't it confuse Cyrano if we break the flow of the last performance?

The last time Charlemagne played Christian, he did wind up pretty insufferable...

...but this new Christian really looks up to Cyrano.

So wouldn't it make sense for him to change his performance to suit that?

It's not that simple. If he did that, there would be no reason for Cyrano to act so coldly towards him.

Hm? Hang on. I think this might be a big problem.

Now that Christian's a good guy pretty much from start to finish, Cyrano's attitude towards him won't make any sense.

The Christian in this script is a pretty good guy, so it does seem like a fairly drastic change.

The last time Charlemagne played Christian, he did wind up pretty insufferable...

...but this new Christian really looks up to Cyrano.

So can't he just change his performance to fit that?

It's not that simple. If he did that, there would be no reason for Cyrano to act so coldly towards him.

Hm? Hang on. I think this might be a big problem.

Now that Christian's a good guy pretty much from start to finish, Cyrano's attitude towards him won't make any sense.

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That's a good point... I'm gonna go talk to Cyrano about this!

What is it, Chuck? Is there a problem with the script?

Oh, uh, no, not exactly...

Don't lie. Of course there is.

Oh. I didn't think you'd be so...accepting of that.

Well certainly. I did make a number of drastic changes to the ending.

So, what IS the problem?

Well...

Hmm, I had a feeling that rewrite might be a problem...

If you prop up one part, another comes crashing down.

So what do we do about it?

For the time being, keep your performance the same as last time.

If that ends up not working, I'll change my own lines and performance to match.

Specifically, here, here, and here...

Yes, I think that should do it. How does that sound?

Yeah, that should work!

All right, let's start by trying that. Oh, but be aware that I may have to change many more lines in the future.

Got it!

Now, I actually have some questions for you. What makes a knight? What IS chivalry?

...Hmm. That's tough. Those are some pretty deep questions.

I'm sorry. I know I'm springing this on you out of nowhere.

But I believed a hero of your caliber might just have the answers.

Uh-oh. So you figured it out? Well, I guess it would have been weirder if you hadn't.

Honestly, I didn't think a great hero like you would ever come to a run-down Singularity like this.

Hey, run-down or not, we'll always show up whenever there's a Singularity that needs repairing.

You know...maybe you're the kind of person I've been looking for this whole time.

Not some fictional knight, but a genuine knight, who truly existed.

I see... Then you might've been better off with someone else.

Hm?

Oh, sorry, it's nothing. Don't worry about it.

Anyway, would you mind keeping this to yourself?

You don't even want me to tell your allies?

Yeah, they already know who I am, so nothing to worry about there!

Oh, right. Good point!

Anyway, let me say this, knightly king. Whatever happens in the next performance...try not to be disappointed.

Uh, not sure where that came from, but okay!

"Cyrano de Bergerac," huh? I wonder what this one'll be like.

Word on the street is that it's a whole new take on the classic "Cyrano" story!

Sounds interesting.

I can't wait.

Looks like we've got another full house tonight.

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Cyrano was still making edits to the script right up to the last second, so I can't help but be a little worried.

Anyway, don't worry about the crew. Go check in on the actors, would you?

Oh, Saber! Would you help me run the ticket counter!?

Phew...

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Oh, hey, Master. How's the crowd looking?

Packed to the rafters, just like last time? Awesome!

I'm not too worried about my performance since nothing changed for me, but what about you, Roland? You gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

I might still be a bad guy, but now, I'm a bad guy whose good aspects, rather than his evil deeds, are getting the spotlight.

...Hmm. Actually, maybe I am a little nervous...

Yeah. I mean, a bad guy who's not all that bad? A critic might call that a half-assed character.

You could take a charitable view and say it humanizes him... Oh well.

Either way, I'll just have to act my heart out!

Um, excuse me. Could I talk to you for a minute?

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I was wondering what you think of Roxane in this version.

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Right!?

Every role has changed significantly, except for mine.

It makes me feel...disconnected. I need to find a way to make sure I still seem like part of the show.

Lord Fujimaru, was it?

Do you have any interest in acting yourself?

I see... That's a shame, but there's nothing to be done about it.

Well, if you ever decide you'd like to try, you let me know!

Hao♪ I'm going to hold you to that♪ I can't wait to see you perform in the next show!

Is something wrong, Master? You look tense.

Did you mess up and say something you shouldn't? Gotcha... Guess we'll both have to be more careful about that!

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Okay, places, people! Let's get this thirty-second showing of "Cyrano de Bergerac" underway!

Oh man, I'm sweating like crazy!

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Hey, a towel! Thanks! ...The audience has been pretty quiet so far.

They seem kind of nervous to me.

Well, these aren't the characters they're used to. They didn't even know what to make of me when I made my entrance.

Real actors play different people in each performance, right? Man, that's amazing.

Oh, wait. There are actors like that at Chaldea, too. You know, like Mata Hari.

I remember when, like it was nothing, she said, "Show me a hundred people, and I'll show you how I can be the woman of a hundred different dreams."

Yeah, she's scary in a completely different way from the heroes who could crush you with their bare hands.

Okay, let's go over the new plot one more time.

In the next act, Christian is attacked on the battlefield and collapses when a gunshot rings out.

But thanks to Cyrano, who Christian has helped a lot so far, he just manages to make it out alive.

Later, Christian unwittingly lets the cat out of the bag while talking with Cyrano as Roxane overhears.

Cyrano tries to apologize to Roxane for deceiving her, but Roxane refuses to listen.

Cyrano continues to apologize and make excuses in an entertaining scene while he's still under fire on the battlefield.

Eventually, he starts to win Roxane over.

Anyway, the idea is to take the tragic story of the original and turn it into a slapstick comedy.

Well, good luck on the battlefield, my emperor!

Hahaha, thanks, but I don't think I'll need it. Okay, see you guys later!

... ...Uh-oh.

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Nothing. I just...got a bad feeling, for some reason.

H-huh? Did... Did Christian just die!?

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Wh-what do we do now!? Should we stop the play!?

W-wait! Cyrano's still performing!

Y-yes, it did! But, that would mean we have to swap out all of Roxane's lines!

Not to worry. Lady Yang Guifei has already gone back to the original script.

If we've ended up going back to the original story, then there should be no problem.

S-so...does this mean we're okay?

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Th-this is Chaldea. I have a small but urgent message for you, Master.

The being that just defeated Christianthat is, Charlemagnepossesses tremendous magical energy.

Easily enough to generate a Singularity...

It appears to be either the Holy Grail's owner, or something with as much power as one!

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...Welp, Cyrano just died, too. So then...

I guess this means...we're back to the usual play.

Man, what a great show!

It was good, but something doesn't add up.

I thought this was supposed to be a new take on "Cyrano de Bergerac."

Oh, yeah, that's true. But it looked like they just changed some of the characters a bit.

Hmm. I was hoping for something more innovative.

Now that I've seen the performance, it seems the marketing campaign was pretty deceptive.

Hey!

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I-I'm okay. But, what happened?

That's what we want to know!

Uh... I wish I could tell you, but I have no clue.

All I know is, I was playing Christian, then all of a sudden, it felt like I really was on a real battlefield.

Next thing I knew, whatever I was fighting had killed me.

Are you hurt, my kiI mean, Chuck?

Nah, I'm fine!

...Ms. Maid.

Here's a hot towel, and here's some water. Go, rest for now, sir.

R-right... I think I'll do that...

Good. As for you, Lady Yang Guifei, I'm sorry about your leg.

Ahaha, guess I should have been more careful. I'm sorry.

Are you okay, Yang!?

Yeah. Sorry to make you worry, Mante.

All right, Sir Cyrano. It's time we had a talk.

I think I speak for everyone here when I ask, "What in the world just happened here?"

But before you answer that...

Are you all right? Is there anything I can get you?

You're being either frightfully calm or frightfully kind, and I can't tell which!

Well, I would like some water, but seeing as I can't drink it anyway, I'll just tell you what you want to know.

First off...the Holy Grail killed Christian.

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Hang on. I thought the Holy Grail was just a wish granter.

Meaning, if it tried to kill me, it must have done that because someone wanted me dead.

Ooh, I know.

It can't be us, since we got here later, which means there's only one option.

It's you, right, Cyrano?

Don't be ridiculous! If it was me, I'd be laughing my best villain laugh right about now!

...Although...that's not to say I'm not in any way responsible...

Would you all listen to my monologue? Wonderful. Thank you.

Cue the music!

We didn't actually say we'd listen. I mean, we will, but still.

"I want a happy ending for Cyrano de Bergerac...but it must also satisfy me."

... ...

Sir Cyrano, does this mean, until you're satisfied...

...the Holy Grail will continue to revert the play to its original plotline?

Yes, it does.

I see. So that was the enemy we fought earlier.

You still weren't satisfied with the script, so the Holy Grail made us do it over in the name of granting your wish.

I'm afraid so...

I see. That explains why I came back to life.

The Holy Grail only killed the script, then put us back where we started.

So it's not like the Holy Grail actually granted your wish. It seems more like it's trying to grant it, and failing.

But why did you change your wish in the first place? I mean, you're the Cyrano from the play, right?

So wouldn't you WANT an ending where you don't die?

The thing is...I'm not.

You're...not Cyrano?

No, I am. I am, but...

Hold on.

Are you saying you're not the Cyrano from the play "Cyrano de Bergerac"...

...but the ACTUAL Cyrano de Bergerac?

Remember what we said about there being a real historical figure named Cyrano de Bergerac, who served as inspiration for the play?

Well, that is who this Cyrano is. He's just like the Cyrano of the play except for his nose... No, maybe even that's the same.

Yup. This is the real-life Cyrano de Bergerac who inspired the main character of the play "Cyrano de Bergerac."

That's your True Name, isn't it?

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Huh? So, you and the play Cyrano aren't the same person?

Of course not!

There's a world of difference between Cyrano de Bergerac, the brave, foolish, tragic titular figure beloved by audiences around the world...

...and me, who was just your everyday, unremarkable, run-of-the-mill author!

But isn't "The Other World: Comical History of the States and Empires of the Worlds of the Moon and Sun" still widely known today? Not to mention all the other books you've written.

Oh, nobody nowadays actually reads them. They're regarded as old-fashioned sci-fi pabulum at best.

Besides, does anyone these days actually know there was a real person with a big nose named "Cyrano de Bergerac"?

No, I'm pretty sure the fictional Cyrano de Bergerac's story is much more widely known and appreciated than mine.

I see. So your fictional counterpart stands head and shoulders above your real self.

Exactly!

So then, what kind of ending would satisfy you!?

Well...

It should make perfect sense, be sufficiently happy, and astound the audience.

Yes, that's the kind of ending I'm looking for.

That's impossible!

That does seem like a very tall order, Sir Cyrano.

To not only change the ending of a beloved work of fiction, but to do so in a way that you can accept without question, well...

That's going to be very difficult, both logically and emotionally. Especially for you, since you're the model for the lead character.

...Yeah. You're right. Dammit, why did I make that wish?

And there you have it. My foolish wish is threatening to warp all of human history, and I have no notion of what I should do!

I'd hoped something might change if I kept performing "Cyrano de Bergerac," but so far...

Well, we did see signs of the Holy Grail appearing, so I do think we're on the right track...

But that's as far as I've been able to go. Argh, it's hopeless! I'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm so useless!

Waaah, I'm such an idiooot!

Huh!? Cyrano!? Cyranooo! Get back here!

Did he just run away!?

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What do we do now!?