Tears! The Hard Knock Life in the Outlaw World

This will take care of the last priority delivery that fell by the wayside when my employees disappeared.

It is natural to feel that way when you have been so focused on the task at hand.

And you truly did take this work seriously, despite having no prior experience in this industry.

I don't know what to say... I suppose I should tell you how grate

No, on second thought, I will save my thanks for when this whole matter is concluded.

Hehe. True, we have crossed countless light-years' worth of distance, even with the portals.

So I can certainly understand why you would feel that way.

You have truly done a tremendous job, especially considering you had no prior experience in this industry

No, on second thought, I will save my thanks for when this whole matter is concluded.

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I'd agree with that. It's wonderful that we're now done with the tasks that had piled up...

...but we still haven't gotten to the root of the problem.

Yes, it would be entirely lacking in BP to rest on our laurels now.

That's true. And none of the information we've gathered so far has been very useful, either.

Fou...

Not to worry. Once the delivery work is done, we can take advantage of our newly freed-up timetable to investigate my employees' disappearance in earnest.

I'm sure new orders will continue to come in, but we should no longer have to mobilize every resource available to handle them like we have been up to now.

And besides

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Hehe. I have a feeling about this place. Just take a look at how rustic this planet is.

I would not be at all surprised to find a deadly surprise waiting for us in this unsettlingly barren land.

Also, we should commemorate the fact that this'll be our last customer for the time being.

Don't you agree it seems that a new, unprecedented, existential threat is lying in wait!?

Even my CEO Morning Star's spikes are sharper than usual in anticipation of battle! At least, I think they are!

By the way, what's in the package we're delivering here? Is it something a mortal enemy of yours would use?

Let me see... It is an assortment of completely ordinary daily necessities.

It must be some form of camouflage designed to trick us. Come on, and keep your wits about you!

Are you from Amazones.com?

Indeed I am!

There, you see? This figure is obviously suspicious!

Why are you brandishing your weapon so gleefully? Anyway, I'd like to inspect the merchandise first.

Incidentally, yes, this is Secret Assassin Inc. Now who did we choose for the recipient?

I'm Chief Rightarm...

...and these are my colleagues, Secretary Hundredface... and Cover Artist P. The "P" stands for "Phantom."

It looks like Poisontouch Oshizu from Accounting isn't here right now...so the only other one who could have ordered this is the president.

？！

Fou, fou fooou.

Potential enemies or not, it is still important to follow proper procedure.

You are listed as the recipient, Chief Rightarm. Sign here, please. And here is your order.

Oh good, that makes things simple. There, I signed it. Now let me see the package.

Of course. The sooner the better when it comes to reporting mistaken orders.

First, we have a set of 8-volt batteries, a silver fork, soil from Planet Totooine, and a semi-ether alarm clock.

And here's the Captain☆Nikola electric wire loop game, the cassowary egg, and the ship detergent...

Hmm. Yes, it's all here, isn't it?

So it is. It's just as I thought. Dammit...

You sound almost disappointed. Of course it's all here. We always deliver everything we're asked for!

That is what defines Amazones.com!

Ahh, I knew it. See, this is the whole problem with amateurs right here.

President!

So that's the Secret Assassin president... She looks a lot like somebody else we know.

This is President Kil-Ler Jing.

I think you may be about to figure this out anyway, so I'll come clean and admit that we are indeed a commission-based killer-for-hire company.

Aha! I knew it!

Did you now? Well, I suppose that's only to be expected. You see, we

Seriously, do you have any idea how much trouble you've made for us!? Business has all but dried up!

Why is that? I know their CEO can certainly be dangerous under certain circumstances, but it's not as though Amazones.com is in the assassination business.

It's, uh, you know... What was the term again? Ceremony cost?

Opportunity loss.

That's it!

We've been losing customers left and right thanks to the stuff you sell! How're you gonna make it up to us!?

Do you really carry products that would put assassins out of business? Perhaps a book titled "Murder Made Easy," or a Beginner's Assassination Kit?

Absolutely not! I don't know what these killers are talking about! We certainly carry a wide range of products, but I can guarantee that none of them are on the wrong side of the law!

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Those are all unregulated, and therefore perfectly legal.

That wide range of products you carry is precisely the problem. Take the order you just delivered to us.

All of those items can be combined to make a bomb, if done correctly.

...!?

Oh, yeah. If you knew how to make one, I bet you COULD get all the materials from Amazones.com.

Thanks to Amazones.com's stupid user-friendly UI and fast shipping...

...people who used to come to us for their murdering needs are deciding to put their own bombs and poisons together just to save a little money.

So our finances are taking a dirt nap of their own. I can't even afford to pay my employees this month.

Wat.

You never said a word about that up till now!

Ahh, Christine, Christine...

Now that my cover of darkness is gone, I'll no longer be able to make a living in my chosen profession. From here on, I will have to ply my songs in the dark depths of the digital sea...

By which I mean I'll start my own streaming channel tomorrow, my beloved Christine...

Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that.

Oh no. Don't tell me... I knew it!

Poisontouch Oshizu left a letter of resignation on her desk! She's trying to get while the getting's still good!

Well, I can certainly understand how difficult it is to have your core business disrupted.

Not that it's something I've ever had to worry about, thanks to my cosmic body and cosmic business acumen.

At any rate, I understand your concerns now, but without a tangible causal link you can point to demonstrating harm, I'm afraid your complaints amount to little more than lashing out.

No way! I KNOW you guys are behind this! It's gotta be your fault!

Hmm, it would seem we have another wrongfully disgruntled customer. At least it also seems that they aren't responsible for my employees' disappearance.

If I may be so bold, ma'am, you are clearly intoxicated.

It is not possible to make clearheaded decisions while under the influence, so I suggest you sleep it off and reassess your company's managerial direction tomorrow.

Foolish CEO. How could you fail to realize that this is the president's deadly combat stance?

She wields the Galactic Drunken Fist, passed down through her family across generations.

Once she uses her dreadful Noble Phantasm, "All I Kill Is Drink," she always leaves disaster in her wake!

And it makes her enemies die, too!

All right, guys, gimme a hand! Once we kill her and our sales go way up, I'll even be able to pay you bonuses!

I certainly can't run away now, after coming this far. I'm holding you to that, Ms. President!

Dammit, Oshizu, get back heeere! ...Or at least take me with yooou!

I will say it as many times as I must: we refuse to associate with violent criminals.

Amazones.com has always kept our corporate nose clean, and we always will!

Nooo! I don't want my company to go undeeer!

Especially since Chairman King's gonna come out of retirement to punish me if it doooes!

Guess I'll just have to sing for a living from now on.

Honestly, you probably should've just gone with that in the first place.

Ah yes, Chairman King, the first company president...

I remember how my heart would always leap into my throat whenever he snuck up behind us and whispered "You're fired..."

Hehe... That really takes me back...

Yes, we will never deal with criminal organizations. ...However.

I see no issue in making a deal with a once criminal organization that has turned over a new leaf. Indeed, every company should be free to choose its own industry.

What do you mean by that?

Your maneuvers that took advantage of Presence Concealment were highly impressive.

For all their many talents, my Amazons could never manage a trick like that, as they always charge headlong at their problems with roaring battle cries.

I have learned a great deal over the course of this outsourcing experiment...

...and I see now that there is nothing wrong with taking advantage of other companies' unique skill sets, as long as it is done in an appropriate manner.

So I would like to make you a proposal. A white-knight proposition, if you will.

Would you be interested in becoming one of Amazones.com's subcontractors?

Only instead of killing, I would like to employ your talents for gathering intel and marketing purposes.

You see, I've wanted an intel department of our own ever since Madam Cosmotic told me about Egyptian's.

Well, technically, we do already have one, but my agents' interrogation techniques are fairly limited in range...

...as they all boil down to simply yelling at their target to give them information or else.

I'm honestly amazed that your company made it as far as you have...

Hmm... Intel gathering? So if we do that, we can stay in business, and I can keep paying my employees?

Of course.

Okay then, we'll do it!

Just like that?

Don't get me wrong, this is wonderful news, but this is a substantial pivot away from our traditional industry. Are you sure you don't want to think this through more

(Wait! Are you only going to pretend to abandon the assassination industry, but actually keep it going in secret until you're able to make a comeback?)

(Is that your real plan here, Ms. President!? It is, isn't it!?)

Mmm, now that that's all taken care of, this booze tastes even better! (Glug glug glug)

(Somehow, I don't think she's planning anything of the sort... Oh well, as long as she keeps the paychecks coming, I don't mind either way.)

(Money earned from gathering intel should feed my family just as well as money earned from killing. Don't worry, sweetie... I promise I won't let you down!)

Wonderful. Now, as a matter of fact, I have a top-priority action item I'd like you to look into immediately. Madam?

I left the report on my desk at my personal spa room-slash-office as I didn't think we would need it here...

...but I already got in touch with them, and it should be here momentarily.

Oh good, there they are.

...

Yes, this is it. Good work.

I wondered why you asked me to put this report on our current situation together so suddenly. Did you foresee this happening?

No, nothing like that. I simply thought we would need to reopen the investigation if the matter wasn't resolved before our delivery backlog was handled.

At any rate, you're in luck. Nobody else could make such a beauBP-rich report on such short notice.

If you're overcome with the urge to thank me profusely, go right ahead. I'll understand.

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That's right. President Jing, I would like you and your employees to take over this ongoing investigation, effective immediately.

You will find everything you need to know in this report.

Hmm... Okay, got it!

For now, this takes care of our highest priority: eliminating our delivery backlog.

We could ask the Assassins to investigate more things for us, but since I doubt they'll have any results soon...

...I think it best if you just returned to the office for now. Congratulations on a job well done, Senpai!