Section 2: A Fortissimo Start

What a disgrace.

Uhh... My apologies, Your Majesty. To make amends, I shall return to my position as a lowly mechanic.

No need for that. You and your knights could never be a match for Servants. Of course you lost to them.

This was my mistake, sending you out on a mission so far beyond your current parameters.

...Especially since you and the other human knights are weaker than usual thanks to my brainwashing waves.

I made sure to weaken you just enough that you wouldn't be able to defy me, after all. Slowing them down was the best I could have hoped for.

Your Majesty?

Never mind. Call the girls.

Yes, Your Majesty!

I must say, though...this parade bill is outrageous, Elisabeth. I don't know what you were thinking.

Not only did you buy far too much candy, but you didn't even consider how long it could be stored before it spoiled.

A weeklong celebration is just excessive. Entertainment should be austere, and properly tailored to the crowd.

That's the best way to make Castle Csejte strong, sturdy, and beautiful. Why can't you see that!?

You called for us?

Good, you're here.

That lazy Osakabehime and the famously incompetent former ruler of this castle, Elisabeth, have decided to run away together.

I underestimated her mobile carrying capacity. I never thought she could fly with another Servant in tow.

But that was a small error, one I won't make again. In the meantime, I want you three to go find them.

...I'll do it, since you're the one asking.

Kehehehe!

Wonderful, wonderful!

We shall round those slovenly fools up and torture them within an inch of their lives!

Indeed. They shall rue the day they decided to meddle with someone else's castle. ...What about you? Don't think I don't see you pretending to ignore us.

You're part of this too, you know.

I-I don't see what I have to do with this!

If anything, I'm one of the victims here!

Whose brilliant idea was that, stacking that thing on top of my pyramid!? Haven't they ever heard of the right to sunshine!?

How do you think I feel?

Eep... Okay, fair point!

Quiet. I'm the one who controls the right to property and the right to sunshine.

I see you lot as no better than commoners.

At the very least, I am the only one calling the shots when it comes to Csejte.

That especially goes for you, Carmilla. So far as I am concerned, you have no authority here whatsoever.

...Yes, I am well aware. As you are the guardian of Csejte, I have no intention of defying you.

...Good. I'm glad to see you have at least some Csejte pride remaining.

At any rate, I want you lot to go and find Osakabehime and bring her here. I will sentence her to compulsory labor.

If she wishes to go around claiming to be a princess, she needs to learn the harsh realities of noble life.

I have important news, Your Majesty!

Osakabehime appears to be returning to Castle Csejte, along with some mysterious, ragtag party.

They must mean to attack us and retake Himeji Castle by force.

Those fools... I'll just have to teach them their place. I rescind my earlier order!

All hands to battle stations. Bar the gate and seal all the entrances!

...Y-Yes, Your Majesty!

Very well then, I shall take this floor, as it is at the very bottom, where I belong.

Ridiculous name or not, I shall guard this Csejte Pyramid Himeji Castle with my life.

...Ugh. It sounds even more absurd when spoken aloud. Just because it is Halloween does not mean ANYthing goes, you know!

...Well, I suppose I'm responsible for at least a third of this mess, so I'll go ahead and guard the pyramid part.

What about you, Lady Mecha Eli-chan? What will you be doing?

Since I can fly, I will ambush them, of course.

Besides, I still need to ascertain what this Master of Chaldea person is capable of.

If he poses a threat to Csejte, I will not let him escape alive.

Kehehe! I see, I see. Then I wish you the best of luck!

...I won't need it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm heading out.

So that's why I'm counting on your help, Ma-chan♡

Yes!

Don't you think it sounds much cuter than "Master"?

Hahahaha! If Master's expression is any indication, I think he thinks it's too cute by half!

You don't like it? I thought it was the perfect nickname for a princess to give♪

Ma-chan... It sounds much more affectionate than "Senpai"...

？！

All right, I'll stick with Master♡ That should be daijoubu, right?

And I will just keep calling you Puppy like always.

So if you want to yip like a Puppy, that's A-OK with me.

...Riiight... Anyway, why'd you two get kicked out anyway?

We still don't have a friggin' clue what's going on here!

Oh, right... I guess we should start at the beginning.

I will regale you with a tragic tale of woe that will have tears streaming down your cheeks in raging waterfalls of sympathetic sadness!

Ah, crap. This is going to be so damn boring.

I think you're right!

Now sit back, weary travelers, and hear my tale of infinite sadness...

Ahh, woe is me...

I have been locked up in this keep, forced to while away my days in idleness...

All I can do now is read books and draw...

And sign papers for my occasional visitor...

But, that's okay.

If people fear me, then I will happily live out my days locked away.

Oooh, these new figure imports are so greeeat! I can't wait to paint them!

Yay, I have the WHOLE space pirate fleet! Woohoo!

Now it's time to play with them!

...Huh? Why is everything shaking?

Huh? Oh no. Don't tell me we're...

...floating!?

Nooow weee're faaalliiing!!!

Omigodomigodomigod, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, AAAAAAHHH! I'M GONNA DIIIEEE!!!

Bwuh!?

Nngh... What's going on...?

Eli-li-li-li!

Huh? Who the heck are you? What're you doing here...!?

I am Mecha Eli-chan! I am here to devour your intestines!

Or perhaps I will turn you into a wax sculpture! Or have you commit a fatal typographical error!

Aaaaaahhh! Not that! Aaanything but thaaat!!!

And, there you have it... (Sniff, sniff)

On it. Let's see, to sum all that up in two lines...

Smells like BS. Can't trust a word of it.

Yes, Master. Allow me to list off the many flaws in her frankly suspicious story!

1: What was with that background? 2: Why did the queen of El Dorado come to visit?

3: Where in the world did Mecha Eli-chan come from? 4: Why did Mecha Eli-chan act so bizarrely?

In summation, not a single aspect of that story was believable!

？！

C-come on! I mean, okay, I might've chotto embellished Mecha Eli-chan's character...

But she pretty much attacked the second she saw me!

Then once she stopped, all she said was...

"...compulsory labor."

Can you believe it!?

I didn't have time to try and hash it out with her! So I just kinda...jazzed up my retelling a bit!

Whoa, whoa, pump your brakes, Batty.

I can explain why Mecha Eli-chan showed up!

So just sit back and let my words wash over you like sweet music!

I don't see that happening.

What are we going to do, Elly the great and perfect idol, beloved in all the land!? Our precious castles have been combined and unified!

On top of that, there's a pyramid in between them, so it's also like a Csejte and Himeji pyramid sandwich!

Heh, worry not, Batty, girl who fell from the sky along with Himeji Castle!

Let's have a nice hot cup of tea like civilized people while I assess our situation.

Let's see... Given my super-high INT stat, I believe a single day should suffice for QED.

Wow, that's amazing!

Well, it's been over a week now, and I'm no closer to understanding what's going on than I was before.

Still, there is ONE thing I'm sure of.

If a genius like me can't figure it out, then not even Chiron of Greece could figure it out either!

Wow, that's amazing!

Huh?

Bwuh?

...Good day, magnificent Csejte.

My name is Mecha Eli-chan.

I appeared in this world solely to defeat you because I'm jealous of your overwhelming cuteness!

What!? Just because I'm cute!?

I grant you that it is a mystery, one of the wonders of the world! Though it seems that it is a riddle that only I didn't understand!

You speak the truth. And now you must pay for your criminally cute, gorgeous body with your life!!!

Ahh...if only I weren't so terribly cute! Why did I have to be born with such a burden!?

Ow, seriously, that hurts! C-cut it out! Don't try to ruin my heaven-sent cuteness!

HA. HA. HA. HA. HA. HA.

Now Csejte is mine. I will use it as a base from which to expand my mechanical empire.

HA! HA! HA!

...While I believe several parts of that story were completely fabricated, I at least have a better grasp of the situation now.

So this, uh, Mecha Eli-chan just appeared out of nowhere, with no forewarning?

Yeah! It was totally out of the blue! No reason whatsoever!

You don't have any idea either, right, Batty?

N-no, I don't think so. ...Probably.

？！

I-I-I don't know what you're talking about!

Besides, the important thing is that you get my castle back! Aren't you my saviors from Chaldea!?

But they really are after me!

Please, Master? You WILL help me, won't you?

There we go. That's more like it.

In that case, I'd say our goals are aligned, wouldn't you? So please get our castles back for us, Master!

？！

...Ah well, I guess the Singularity repairing part lines up at least.

Indeed. I don't know what Mecha Eli-chan is afte

Also, a mecha...? Is that really what this has come to? I guess so...

I am fairly confident that we have gone well past the point of manifesting different aspects of a particular hero, Senpai.

So the little dragon girl finally went full robot, huh...

Wait, hang on. Are we sure she didn't just paint her skin silver or something like that?

No, she was definitely a robot.

Yeah, she was a really real robot, for REAL! Her body was made out of iron and everything!

Mecha Eli-chan is nothing but a walking pile of gears hell-bent on murder!

...That's a matter of opinion, Elisabeth. Or are you simply resorting to name-calling now?

Aah!

Who's there!?

...For the record, I'm not making a mechanical empire, and I do not laugh like a melodrama villain...

...and most importantly, I have never once thought of you as "cute."

THAT'S the part you're taking issue with!?

I am...

Magus Aegis Elisabeth Channel.

But you may call me "Mecha Eli-chan" for short.

Wahahahaha!

Oh wow, you're right! This is too cool! Wait, hold on. Is that really a Servant!?

Pfft, all the abdominal exercises in the world couldn't prepare my sides for something this funny! Ahahaha!

You used to dream about robots, Senpai!?

Fou fou...!

Even Fou is jumping for joy over this!

？！

Well well...!

Analysis complete!

It looks like those two were right. She IS a full-blown robot!

And a Servant to boot! That's our Elisabeth for you!

She never fails to surprise!

Wait, was that a compliment? Did she just compliment me?

Sore wa chigawrong. Definitely not.

？！

...

Come to think of it, I guess you're right. That version of me ISN'T the brightest bulb in the box...

...You stupid lizard! I chose that nickname on purpose!

The word "MAGI" doesn't jive with my whole aesthetic here. It's also inaccurate, and would lead to misunderstandings.

That's why I chose to emphasize "mecha," as it's jargon that is commonly known and easily understood.

Plus, it serves to highlight the beauty of my polished steel body.

That's true. It IS very polished.

It's like the same Elisabeth we know, only chrome!

Now then. Osakabehime, ex-Lady Elisabeth, let me give you a chance to do this the easy way.

If you turn yourselves in now, and demonstrate remorse for your slovenly ways, I will show you mercy.

Specifically, I will let you repaint your own former castles as part of your one-year compulsory labor sentence.

Since you used to live in these castles, I am sure you will both carry out your tasks with all due gratitude.

Absolutely NOT!

What she said! My Castle Csejte is already the perfect color!

...Very well then. Don't say I didn't give you a chance.

...Look out, Master! Her heat signature is

Aah! Eeh, ooh, aah! H-h-help me, Batty!

Oh for... Move over, El-El!

Thanks, Batty! I owe you one!

Yeah yeah, just make sure you actually pay me back. Even origami isn't free, you know.

Origami...?

Dr. Roman told me about origami too, but I had no idea it could do this...

Well this is a surprise. I wasn't expecting a princess to do more than provide a bit of backup at best...

...but you actually did a damn good job of protecting her!

Oh, uh, I mean...

...Ahem. Ah, ah, ahhh...

Waaah, I don't wanna fiiight. Please save me, Master♡

Guh...

Ugh, fine! Fiiiiiine! I'll do my own fighting, okay!?

I'm also known as Hachitendou, the strongest, cutest castle monster who lays waste to demons wherever she goes!

So I'll get back my Himeji Castle myself if that's what it takes!

That's the spirit, Batty! OH! But don't you dare claim to be the cutest while I'm around!

Whoa! I don't know why, but that was an amazingly compelling command!

Oh, all right!

I-I'm still scared, but I'll do my best for you, Master♡

？！

So much for diplomacy. Very well then.

What diplomacy!? You were outright trying to exploit us!

Csejte Pyramid Himeji Castle is as good as mine now.

I'm not about to have its former owners swindling me out of my property. I'll take you both out myself!

... ...

We haven't even scratched her! At this rate...!

Owowowow! Hothothot!

Oof!

Do you truly wish to take back Himeji Castle, Osakabehime?

Of course I do!

It's my sanctuary. The one place where I can be myself!

Then will you try and take it back with their help? Because I can assure you, we are prepared for anything you might attempt.

If you truly long for your castle, now is the time to show the strength of your conviction.

Oh, by the way, I should let you know that I had all the gates welded shut, since I can just fly.

So again, if you truly want to take Himeji Castle back...you and the Master of Chaldea's entourage will need to scale the walls.

Well, farewell, everyone. I hope you have a wonderful day, complete with lots of fulfilling labor.

Hahaha, I guess you didn't see her firing missiles from her skirt?

I did... Even over the monitor, it was a shocking sight on multiple levels.

Hmph, what good is flying if it relies on fuel? I've totally got her beat in that department!

Granted, it did take everything I had just to glide out of the castle while carrying Batty, but I can still totally ascend on my own strength!

？！

(Yaaawn)... I-I feel like I've just done a whole lifetime's worth of work.

Pretty sure she was just feeling us out in that fight.

Boy, Batty, you haven't got much in the way of stamina, huh? You won't last a second in a Holy Grail War like that.

...So what? I don't care about Holy Grail Wars.

You don't?

Nope. All I want is to relax and take it easy all day.

I get all the excitement I need twice a year from the summer and winter matsuri.

Is that so? You Japanese princesses sure have a lot of time on your hands, huh. That sucks.

Of course, as ruler of the castle and idol, the idea of having that much time to lounge around does have its appeal! Too bad I'm so busy each and every day!

FORMER ruler of the castle. And I bet you're still just an underground idol at best.

Hey, nothing "former" about me! Mecha Eli-chan hasn't beat me yet, after all! And every idol's career has to start somewhere!

？！

I-I wouldn't really say that. We are both of very different social standings, after all...

We've just made a temporary alliance because our goals are similar is all.

Really? 'Cause I kind of admire that crafty, scheming side of yours.

Wh-wh-whatever do you mean!? I'm neither crafty NOR scheming!

A true princess always carries herself with primness, propriety, and piquancy!

I believe that last one is more often used to describe soup than princesses.

All right then...

If that robot...dragon...girl...thing was telling the truth, the first thing we've gotta do is scale Castle Csejte from the outside.

The only problem with that is...well... See for yourselves.