The Oni of the 10th Floor

Good, we have nearly reached the tenth floor.

？！

Oh yes, I am not the least bit inebriated. Thank you for your concern, Master.

I admit I was a bit worried about what might happen, but it seems the oni alcohol fumes need not have been a cause for concern.

As long as we keep our spirits high, there is nothing we cannot do!

Ah... Please be careful, Master. There's someone else on this floor.

THERE you are. 'Bout time you got here.

We've been up here so long I was worryin' Toto-sama might dry up!

That's...Katsushika Hokusai, isn't it. Well, I suppose it would be more accurate to say "the father and daughter team of Katsushika Hokusai."

You were a famous ukiyo-e artist, were you not? What brings you to this place?

My art, of course. What, didja think I was gonna use my paint to make soba or somethin'?

I gotta say though, that oni from Mt. Ooe's really generous!

Take a gander at all the rare paints she got me! I feel like the court artist to the Tokugawa family!

So, you are here on Shuten-Douji's instructions?

I wouldn't say instructions. It's more like...I just can't say no to girls who look like that. I used to have a little sister, you know.

So when they look up at me with their big doe eyes and ask for a favor, all I can say is yes!

Course, with her offerin' me pretty much any kinda paint I could want, a place all my own where I don't gotta think about nothin' but my art...

...AND a buncha new subjects I ain't heard sight nor sound of before making their way to me of their own accord...

With all that, there was no way I was gonna turn her down! Hahaha!

？！

What, you serious, Master? Just take a look around.

You're surrounded by warriors, generals, monsters, and fairies that look like they walked outta a picture book.

So...does this mean you want to use the Servants as models?

Heh heh heh. I bet even the Buddha himself couldn'ta known I'd get to see the famous lady samurai from the Genpei War for myself after I croaked.

All these different Servants are blowin' my mind. I can't wait to get to paintin'!

Please forgive my rudeness, but I fear we are in something of a hurry; we will not have time to model for you.

...YOU'RE bein' rude?

If anyone's being rude, it's ME, ya dummy!

After seein' how valiant, graceful, and sad you are behind those big red eyes of yours, it'd be rude of me NOT to paint you!

If I just let you go now, the deity of art'd whap me on the head askin' why I passed you up!

I see. Then...what would you have us do?

Heh. As if you don't already know.

If you ask an artist to choose between the brush and the chopsticks, it'd be the brush every time. Hell, if she ain't careful, she might end up eatin' with her brush.

You know, Toto-sama actually did that a good few times before he realized his mistake and spat out his miso soup... Such a waste of good food...

Anyhow!

If I'm gonna paint somethin' unpaintable...I guess I got no choice but to break out the big brush!

？！

Please stand back, Master.

I do not wish to turn my blade upon an artist so young and unaccustomed to battle.

But if you would stand in our way, then you leave me no choice!

Ooh yeah! Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Those eyes! That spirit! That katana of yours, ready to strike!

My brush's itchin' to paint you too. Be warned, if you come at me thinkin' I'm just some little girl who paints, that choice of yours will be your last mistake!

My brush can paint anything and everything. That includes pain, numbness, and shortness of breath, so don't you forget it!

Now come on! I'll show you how Hokusai, the great painter of Edo, handles herself in a scrap!

Dammit, I can't believe you got me! Ow ow ow...

？！

What? Did you just say hot springs!? Nobody told me anything about there being hot springs here!

...Hang on. If there's hot springs, that means...

...all the beautiful fairies and maidens from all of history who have a contract with Master here are gonna have a soak in 'em!

Ain't no way I'm gonna pass up a chance for that kinda inspiration! I gotta get goin'!

Um... Are you sure about this?

Eh, it's fine. Got a pretty good idea of how to paint you now, thanks to that scuffle.

'Sides, at the hot springs, I'll get to see my subjects naked, not like here where everyone's dressed!

It don't take a genius to figure out which one's the better opportunity! Now that's settled, I'll

Actually, now that I think about it, maybe I'd better blindfold Toto-sama. Octopus or not, he's still a guy

Bwa!?

...Holy hell, he moves fast. Toto-sama! You get back here right now!

You're tryin' to sneak into the women's bath, ain'tcha!? Don't come cryin' to me if you get boiled and served up as an appetizer!

Well, that was a bit of an ordeal... But at least the path to the next floor is now clear.

We are likely to encounter other guards like her on the floors above us...

...but this is only at the beginning of our ascent. There is no need to be hasty.

Now, let us keep our wits about us, and forge ahead one floor at a time!

...Hmm. While this of course pales in comparison to the spaciousness, splendor, and rarity of the spring waters in my Noble Phantasm's bath...

...I will grant this water is not terrible, considering it was prepared by a mongrel.

As a reward, just this once, I will overlook your transgression of bathing in waters that have touched my royal person!

Rejoice, for my kingly aura is now one of the benefits you will enjoy by soaking in these springs!

Hmm? But, King of Heroes, take a look around... Ahhh. (← Spoken while gulping down wine)

What of it?

Yes, this is a thermae. Thermae is Rome, and this is Rome too!

Hmph. You call this a bath? I am truly magnanimous, so I will call it "rustic"...

...but if you wish to make something of this place, you shall begin by handing over all that raw material to me!

Do that, and I shall build a grand pyramid-styled golden bathhouse around these hot springs worthy of a pharaoh!

Why am I here? Why else? To demonstrate that water holds no power over me, nor presents any obstacle!

If you wish to verify that with running water as well, then so be it.

Prepare your water, and I shall face it head-on.

Oho. So these waters flow and circulate much as they do in the Nile...

...I approve!

There's nothing BUT kings here!

Their kingdoms may be different in size, but still, to have so many kings in one bath like this...

Well, it's not something you see every day now, is it? Wahahaha!

Hmph, it is hardly impressive. These other kings are little more than mockeries of my own royal splendor.

It is clear to all that I am the most accomplished when it comes to baths. As such, there is no longer any reason for me to stay.

Oh? Getting out already? I wouldn't have figured the King of Heroes to have a hard time handling a little hot water.

...What was that?

Fool! I could simply see that these waters were barely able to contain the glory of my royal person and, in my generosity, elected to offer them a brief respite.

Death from exhaustion is no laughing matter, after all.

But the time for respite has now passed. At the very least...

...I shall not be raising my royal bottom again until these so-called "kings," who're enjoying their cheap liquor, have been thoroughly boiled.

Oh? So you propose a test of endurance?

Endurance, you say? That sounds like quite a lot of fun. Hehe, but be warned, these waters are already hot! We should work up a good sweat indeed by the time it is over!

So you'll be joining us too, King of Sparta? This is getting more interesting by the moment.

But in that case, this barrel of wine just won't be enough.

King of Heroes, if I'm not mistaken, I believe you have a supremely delicious vintage in your possession. Am I right?

Hell, I'll bet you've got a hundredtwo hundred flasks you could spare without batting an eye! How else could you call yourself the King of Heroes!?

...You have sharp ears. Or rather, a sharp nose.

Indeed, everything under the sun belongs to me. As such, a mere child could easily have arrived at your conclusion.

However, I am aghast at your gall in asking me so bluntly to open my personal stores to you. You do indeed live up to your name as a great king.

Specifically, the great king of drunkards and extortionists!

You bet! There's nothing wrong with wanting delicious liquor and asking for it!

Besides, surely you find it more fun to drink with others than all alone! Now come on, just produce it like you do everything else!

I expect to see bottles upon bottles of the finest liquor around, enough to fill this very bath!

You're the invincible King of Heroes, aren't you? Then you MUST take up a challenge when confronted!

Hmph. Despite your thick build, I see now that it is words, rather than muscles, that are your greatest weapon.

What's this? It seems there is a black octopus dwelling within these waters. ...Aha, now I understand.

Master must have brought this slippery creature here to let us attempt to catch hold of it, thus letting us train even as we work up a sweat in the bath.

What a wonderful Master we have! Very well then, here goes...!

Wha! It's so slippery! And huge! No need to tell me, this must be a creature akin to the umibouzu I have heard stories about

Iskandaaar!

Oho, if it isn't the King of Persia and former Pharaoh! If you're here too, a simple test of endurance may no longer be enough!

(Ugh, it's too damn noisy... Can't these jackasses keep their mouths shut when they're taking a bath?)