Section 7: The Surprisingly Quick Return of Mecha Eli-chan

Ehehe, this is so hazukambarrassing. ...I'm sorry...

Meh, the real problem came after this, when an enormous guardian statue woke up after years of being asleep and went on a huge rampage:

Giant Mecha Eli-chan.

You call that a huge rampage?

Her generator was still barely functioning; she could hardly move.

The most she could manage was firing missiles from her fingertips...

？！

Yo, Master, what the hell's going on!? What's a giant mechanical little girl doing outside?

Oh, right, she's not really little anymore, is she? So, just plain old giant mechanical dragon girl then?

Ugh, what the shit, man? Who comes up with this stuff?

？！

Still knocked out cold. Can't say I was paying attention to her after whatever this is started up, though.

I think...we might have had the wrong idea.

Maybe Mecha Eli-chan was here to repair the Singularity, and Osakabehime was actually its source!

No, you're wrong there.

If we hadn't stopped her, Mecha Eli-chan would've gone all tween novel dystopia on Csejte, and nobody wants that.

True, for a supposed guardian, her power trip didn't really paint her in the best light...

So, does this mean that giant Mecha Eli-chan outside is Csejte's true guardian then?

Yup, that's the real one.

The one we beat is more like...the prototype.

Hmm, a prototype, huh...

That would mean somebody designed all this. The question is, who?

Oh, some middle-aged guy with a pretty epic mustache taught me how to do it. Even lent me a book!

"Modifying the Guardian of Csejte for Dummies"

？！

I ordered all the parts from Amazones.com and modified her as best as I could, but I guess I messed up somewhere...

...since I couldn't control either the guardian or the prototype. But...that problem will soon be solved.

Batty, please, stop this.

If you don't...I'll have no choice but to turn the business end of my mic on you!

You think I don't know that? I've been ready for that since the beginning.

But with the Holy Grail's power, I can also summon a next-generation unit! Come on up, Mk. II!

I'm picking up another Servant reading from under Csejte! It's speeding towards you as we speak!

Wh-what'd you just do!?

You know how I said the other Mecha Eli-chan was a prototype? I've got a production unit ready to go!

You called, princess?

This is the Mecha Eli-chan I was able to successfully control: Mecha Eli-chan Mk. II!

True, she is a much smaller version of the enormous Mecha Eli-chan outside.

So...basically, she's taken the long way to come back to the same size she was before...

Senpai! Your brain waves are showing that you are in a state of extreme excitement!

Is it the Mk. II? It is, isn't it!?

Honestly, the fact that I kind of get what all the fuss is about makes me wonder if the knowledge we get when we're summoned is entirely a good thing!

？！

Do you have an order for me, princess?

I'm a busy mecha. Since you have the Holy Grail, I'd like to get this over with as soon as possible.

...Yes. I want you to provide me with perpetual security so I can laze around here forever. EIEN NI. So give all these people the boot so I can get to it.

Oh, also...

You don't have to say anything else, princess. We are of the same mind after all.

Batty!

Sorry El-El, but this is happening.

Man, I figured she was up to something...but I really didn't figure her for the one behind EVERYthing.

Get back, Master! I'll kick her ass and snap her out of this.

...You're not very smart, are you? It is your ass that is going to get kicked.

If you haven't figured out how much stronger I am, then I'll just beat you into a red smear on the ground until it's painfully clear.

I'm not like the prototype. I don't care about dumb stuff like being a perfect ruler.

In fact, the "II" in my unit designation means "twice as cruel."

It looks like you're going to have to fight again! Please be careful, Master!

Aah! Wait! Hold on! Not in here!

Whatever you do, don't fight in here!

...(Sigh) You're far too materialistic, princess.

Oh well, I suppose it would be more trouble to compensate you than it would to comply. Would you all mind terribly if we took this outside?

While we are different versions, I share in Mk. I's humiliation. I will see to it that I succeed where she failed so embarrassingly.

We don't have a chance.

？！

Khh...

Losers always whine about cheating and things being unfair. It is music to my audio receptors.

But, all things in moderation. At any rate, now that you realize you're outmatched, I suggest you hightail it back to Chaldea.

Except you, Elisabeth Báthory. I have special plans for you.

Special plans...?

U-um, please don't hurt her too much.

Wait. Don't tell me I'm in danger of losing my chastity!?

Batty, does this mean you've been after my perfect idol body all this time!?

What!? Chigau!

Elisabeth. Whenever you talk, I can actually feel the universe around us groan. I can't stand it. Perhaps this will shut you up.

Huh!? Mmf, mmmfff!

Okay everyone, I think it's time you all left my castle too.

From here on out, laziness is the order of the day in Csejte...er, Csejte Pyramid Himeji Castle!

Mecha Eli-chan Mk. II! Kick them out of here!

I get it, I get it. I was in the middle of polishing myself when this all went down anyway.

Tch... Come on Master, we're getting out of here!

Mmmmmmf!!!

...(Nod)

？！

...So, we should probably figure out what to do about her before we get out of here.

... ...

？！

So, you want me to carry both you AND this heavy lump of metal on my back?

？！

... ...Just kidding.

I was actually thinking the same thing! I guess great minds really do think alike!

... ...Let go...of me...

I have to stop...Osakabehime...

？！

？！

It doesn't seem as though the giant Mecha Eli-chan's sensors have noticed you.

It looks like you managed to escape.

That's all well and good, but...what do we do about the giant mechanical dragon girl now?

True. I'm afraid I don't have any ideas on that myself...

？！

Huh. Even you're feeling like giving up on this one, Master?

I'm afraid so.

Our Master has never been one to back down no matter what sort of enemy we face, but this time...

We're up against a giant mecha, made out of a superalloy, who's also Elisabeth...

？！

THAT'S the part you're worried about!?

Um, excuse me. Can I ask you something?

...Why did you save me? I thought we were enemies.

Things got a little...complicated while you were out, or off, or rebooting, or whatever...

In fact, let me make sure of something. Are you, in fact, a terminal for the guardian of Csejte?

...Yes, I am.

I'm made of parts that Osakabehime ordered online, and the vestiges of Elisabeth's Heroic Spirit here in Csejte.

I established my Servant Spirit Origin through what are commonly known as "Elisa Particles."

？！

Elisa Particles, eh...

So I guess the fact that Csejte's seen a lot of weird stuff these past two years thanks to the Holy Grail is what caused all this?

I believe so.

Thanks to Elisabeth fusing, splitting, and changing her Spirit Origin into a Caster and Saber...

...her magical energy started to leak, and resulted in the creation of the guardian's prototype...or so I believe.

...I see.

Now that I'm able to analyze you more thoroughly, I AM picking up a few Heroic Spirit traces...

A bit of...Element Eli-chan, if you will!

In other words, this Singularity occurred by virtue of it being Halloween, along with Osakabehime's scheming.

Add in the endless live concerts that have been going on the past two years as well...

...and I guess a whole bunch of crazy crap is going down!

Um, Da Vinci, I think your IQ just went down several...uh, dozen points!

That's 'cause it's Halloween!

Boy, this is really something! These hilarious events are sure to...er, NOT go down in history!

I'm afraid there's nothing hilarious about them. We need to rescue Elisabeth and fix this Singularity immediately!

？！

...I understand your despair.

If I were in your position, I would put myself into sleep mode and set it using hundred-year increments.

However! Don't you have an obligation to fight? Don't you have things you want to protect!?

Mecha Eli-chan!?

Huh!? Why're you scolding US!?

I'm telling you to shape up already! You're the Master and Servant who managed to defeat me, aren't you!?

Listen up. Those girls are hopeless.

It was YOUR kindness and naivete that spoiled Elisabeth like that, Fujimaru.

And you also have a responsibility to protect this land after it almost self-destructed twice.

You can't just throw up your hands and say "Well, this one's just too tough☆" now that you've come this far!

Y-yeah. That was probably a little on the mean side, but you're right.

However, the fact remains that we don't really have any way of fighting back.

And as Chaldea's acting director, I can't allow you to proceed with a mission that's guaranteed to fail.

？！

Senpai...?

So, all you're lacking is a strategy to fight back. In that case, I have a suggestion.

Fujimaru. You rescued me purely out of kindness.

As such, I will return the favor in the same way. Ahem...

Fujimaru! I hereby accept you as a Steel Demoness Mecha Eli-chan pilot candidate!

What's that? This is an incredible honor a peon like you doesn't deserve? Yes, I know. But you can freak out about your good fortune on your own time.

If you are prepared to continue fighting, then I will follow your commands as your Servant.

Together, we will take on Castle Csejte, Halloween, that degenerate Osakabehime, and that Mk. II unit...

...and see to it that they are completely reformed!

？！

...That's more like it. As I thought, mechas and hot-blooded protagonists truly do make a great team.

Now, our next move should be to plan our operation.

If you don't mind a short wait, a delivery should be arriving in a moment...

Delivery...?

And that is how Osakabehime made a huge mess of things.

(Silently agonizing in the corner)

Aw, don't beat yourself up!

Sure, you made a crap first impression, but you did your best to come back from it afterwards, right!?

W-well, yeah, I guess!

Anyway, returning to deliveries, there's one scheduled to arrive any moment now.

？！

Welcome!

We are Amazones.com, your one-stop shop for all your combat, delivery, sales, and video streaming needs!

Hey, Ms. CEO? Do you have any medicine that can restore lost memories?

I'm afraid not. None of the Anti-Magecraft meds we carry are designed for use by Earthlings.

Having said that, I do have a custom-made mace that may (possibly) restore his memories with one good whack on the noggin.

Arigathanks, but no thanks.

I see. Too bad. Then I'll just need you to sign for this video editing software you ordered.

Right here, please. Thank you. We look forward to your next purchase!

DELIVERY!

... ...

Um, I'm sorry. May I ask who it is?

Ahem. Apologies. I am the CEO of Amazones.com.

I distribute all manner of goods throughout the Servantverse.

Your feelings on this matter are natural. BUT it IS Halloween, after all.

I have no recollection of any deliveries scheduled for her.

？！

Well, I suppose Mecha Eli-chan's very existence is proof enough that we're no longer bound to what passes for normal or sensible in our world.

At any rate, may I ask what your purpose here is?

What do you mean? Did you not order this delivery?

I did, actually.

Hey, we're actually pretty busy. Mind pissing off?

...Are you a man?

Hey, I know I'm a pretty boy, but unfortunately, I'm also as rugged and hedonistic as they come.

Though I guess you could also call me charming, handsome, and sensual if you wanted! Did I mention I can sing and dance, too?

？！

Hey, if no one else is going to sing my praises, then I had better do it myself!

So. You are a man. That means...

!!!

Where'd that come from!?

Fou, fooou.

I will not abide the presence of men!

I will reduce your market share (read: your body) to approximately 5.88%!

What the hell kind of threat is that?

？！

...From a business standpoint, you are too much of a pain to deal with.

Let's do this! !

Ugh, fine. This is why I can't deal with Berserkers.

Even if most of my old comrades were pretty berserk themselves!

Anyway, I'm just gonna punch her until she calms down. That okay with you, Master!?

？！

？！

...(Sigh) I suppose there's no avoiding this pointless battle now.

Plus, I had a sneaking suspicion it might come to this. Let's get started, Fujimaru.

Take me out for a test-drive, and see for yourself what a great Elisabeth I am!

Uh-oh. I seem to have lost my advantage...

President!

I am not your president! You will refer to me as "CEO"!

Um, now that things have settled down, can I ask you a question?

Very well. As the CEO of Amazones.com, I make it my motto to provide outstanding customer service.

My apologies. I only came here to make a delivery, but ended up getting a little...overexcited.

(Master, why don't we let Mash handle this? I think I'd only end up making things worse.)

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A delivery...?

Yes. I came to deliver the weapons, ammo, and other miscellaneous parts you ordered.

That sounds more like an arms dealer than an online store...

You could say the same of any e-commerce site.

Ahh, at last, it's here.

You certainly took your time.

My apologies for the delay, but Amazones.com prides itself on sourcing our products in-house.

Most importantly, my costs are effectively zero thanks to my Amazons literally doing all the heavy lifting.

Raaah!

I'm fairly certain that violates labor laws in nearly every country on the planet...

Wait, who else is here?

Me!

And me.

Nite-Brite! Carmilla! What are you two doing here?

Why, we took advantage of the confusion to flee before we got caught up in that missile's splash damage.

Kehehehe, I daresay our daring escape made quite a splash itself!

Of course, it seems our current state of affairs was inevitable.

I see. So you were both keeping watch to prevent Csejte from becoming dystopia-fied...

Oh no, it was the other way around. We were both fully on board with that.

Unfortunately, making and executing meticulous plans turns out not to be my strong suit.

Indeed. With Carmilla's chaotic yang to my orderly yin, there was simply nothing to be done.

If you ask me, neither of you have a leg to stand on!

At any rate, we will help you take Csejte Pyramid Himeji Castle back from Osakabehime. I believe doing so would be in all of our interests, no?

What do you say?

？！

Excellent!

Personally, that princess is so full of herself it's really ticking me off!

It makes me wish for nothing more than to see her groveling for her life!

...Indeed. She is free to hole up in her room if she wishes, but she has no right to involve all of Csejte.

...At the very least, she could have avoided literally piling atop my castle's current architectural woes...

？！

(I should point out how she has no right to speak for Csejte, but I suppose there are more important things to worry about at the moment.)

(She should at least be helpful when it comes to defeating Mk. II. I suppose I'll just have to activate grin and bear it mode.)

...I could have sworn I felt some considerable malice directed at me just now.

But, no matter. We need to install this new part before Mecha Eli-chan can fight again.

Come, let's get on with it.

？！

A heart circuit.

So that's why she nearly made Csejte into a dystopia...

Don't blame us! WE weren't the ones who were making design choices, you know!

？！

She never had much consideration for others from the start.

She only managed to avoid becoming a complete monster thanks to her directive to keep Csejte safe.

...I have a heart. It is simply turned to its lowest setting for empathy and compassion.

Besides, you of all people are in no position to lecture me, Carmilla. I'm already perfect in every way.

Is that so. Shall we throw this circuit away then?

...I didn't say that. A heart circuit would greatly reduce my chances of going berserk, and would likely help to stabilize my erratic Spirit Origin values too.

Most importantly, it should help me to forge a greater Servant bond with my new pilot candidate.

Though of course, he is still only a cadet at this point...

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You, of course! Who else could I possibly be talking about!?

All right, I'm going to install the circuit. Um...where does this go again?

Well, let's check the manual...

Didn't that get burned up?

Do you know where this heart circuit goes?

Here, Pilot Cadet, you install it in me.

？！

There's a slot in my chest. Just push it in there.

？！

...!

...Purged functionality restored. ...I feel as though I'm thinking clearly again.

This new clarity has also brought a pain signal along with it.

？！

No, nothing like that. I simply feel my conscience weighing on me now.

I'm afraid that this will not significantly affect my fundamental nature...

...but this new circuit HAS succeeded at restoring my incomplete Spirit Origin to its proper form, complete with a class change into the bargain.

Hey, she's right. She just went from a Berserker to an Alter Ego!

I guess that makes her Mecha Eli-chan 2.0!

Make sure you get my name right.

I am still Magus Aegis Elisabeth Channel, aka Mecha Eli-chan for short.

That is who I am.

As such, I will be sure to defeat my Mk. II counterpart and the one controlling her, Osakabehime.

After which, I shall take back Csejte Pyramid Himeji Castle and restore peace to my lands.

We are the only ones who can stop the guardian of Csejte's rampage.

I hope I can count on your support, as well as a show of loyalty to indicate you understand your lower standing in our relationship.

So, that's one heart circuit, and one order of miscellaneous mecha-grade weapons and ammunition. Sign here, please.

Will a blood seal suffice?

Absolutely. We at Amazones.com pride ourselves on our flexibility.

Now, I have a question for you. Is that giant Mecha Eli-chan...?

Blah blah, blah blah blah blah!

Yadda yadda yadda, yadda yadda yadda.

I see. ...Now I want one for myself.

？！

Yes. Absolutely. She is the very embodiment of Amazones pride and ingenuity.

She is an essential resource if we are to implement our global initiative.

With such a massive chassis, we could deliver anywhere in the world... No, in all the universe.

...Very well, I have decided I will come with you. Do not fear, for I am the...

C-E-O!

What more need be said?

I...suppose that will be fine once the dust has settled.

...Indeed. It would be a tremendous help if you would take that oversized scrap heap off our hands, in fact.

(Once the Singularity is repaired it will go back to being an ordinary statue, so she shouldn't be able to actually do anything with it.)

Hmph, I was hoping to keep it myself.

At any rate, it's very reassuring to have such wonderful assistance.

Now, let's get going! We'll definitely repair the Singularity now!

Keh heh heh, time to climb!

I see you're in high spirits, Nite-Brite.

So we're going to climb...that, hm? I think I feel a headache coming on.

Well Master, shall we

Hold it.

Since I can fly, I believe it would be best if I carried my pilot candidate.

Don't worry, I'll take good care of him.

Hmm. Yeah, that makes a certain kinda sense.

Good. I promise your flight will be first-class all the way.

You're welcome. It will be my pleasure to show you the thrill of soaring through the sky on steely wings.

？！

Now, what am I going to do...

Perhaps attach yourself to my CEO morning star as I hurl it skyward?

That'll impale me!

So? I thought you were into that sort of thing.

Don't be absurd. Impaling someone else is one thing, but I have no intention of allowing myself to be impaled.

At any rate, there's no possible way I can climb with that. I suppose I'll have to use my old torture orb.

What do you mean?

Why wouldn't it carry me after I decided I wished to ride it?

Keh heh heh! Spoken like a true ruler!

This? It's a torture orb.

Yeah, we heard. What the hell IS it?

A ball of energy filled with my desire to torture others.

That is deeply unsettling...

？！

Now then, I'd better attend to myself as well. Torturers!

S'up.

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I wish to ascend Castle Csejte. Therefore, I order you all to form a human ladder!

'Kaaay.

They certainly aren't very polite, are they, Master? By the way, where did these people come from?

Now now, an empress must keep her secrets!

All right, form of a ladder!

There, now I can make the climb easily! Upsy-daisy!

I shall be on my way too.

Wait, sorry. Hang on just a moment, please.

What about Cleopatra? What happened to her?

How would I know? She's most likely sulking in her pyramid.

Besides, there's way too much overlap between us anyway!

If you say so.

Then let us be on our way. We shall begin our hostile takeover of Mecha Eli-chan Mk. II!

Amazones Next Day Delivery High Jump!

I'm afraid that's just an ordinary high jump, CEO.

...And that's the end of the video.

Ahh, that was wonderful. I was especially moved by the scene where my pilot candidate and I joined, becoming one in mind and body.

Wow. You guys got up to some really weird stuff when I'm wasn't around...

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Sure you don't just wanna toss it? No? Okay.

Don't feel bad, Osakabehime. Here.

Hm?

(Inhaaale)...

SAVE ME, PUPPYYY!!!

Hey! HEY! Urushut up!

Aah, the reverb! The reveeerb! Stop that! You are wasting your breath!

I feel like...like...like a damsel in distress!

(Squee) I've waited so long... I can finally cross that off my bucket list!

Wait, you're HAPPY about this!?

Yes, I am!

Because, you see, I know for SURE that my Puppy's already on the way to save me!

...Is that so? It's really kawaii how you trust him so implicitly.

But none of that matters with the guardian of Csejte. I mean, just look how big it is!

You couldn't be more wrong, Batty!

These days, it's all about the three Cs: cute, compact, and comforting!

This is an age where small reigns supreme. People are all about indie flicks, not giant blockbusters.

They want simple, pick-up-and-play casual games, not those massive, time-sink, AAA RPG games!

...Is that what you think? You really don't understand us shut-ins!

Whereas I can tell you, from a position of strength and authority, that I have nothing BUT time on my hands, so I will always go for that time-sink AAA RPG!

And if it has a hardcore mode, or is a roguelike? Even better!

... ...

... ...

We really don't agree on anything, do we!?

Nope.

So then Puppy went and...!

Seriously!? No way!

...Princess, the Master of Chaldea's group has arrived at the pyramid.

There's no time to waste playing with your sacrifice. May I go ahead and start prepping the reactor?

A-all right.

But, can I at least play for one last turn?

You've been saying that for a while. I thought my purpose here was to assist you in maximizing your laziness.

If you're going to act like that, I'm not sure why I should bother.

... ...

Hey, Batty?

Yes, El-El?

I don't think this evil scheming stuff is really for you. You're not cut out for it.

Hey, keep your scaly nose outta my business!

It seems that was a scene of the two of you kindling your friendship in spite of everything.

Omigawwwd. Just when I thought it couldn't get any more hazukambarrassing...

You think? I thought it was kind of sweet, actually.

That DOES NOT MEAN I want just anyone seeing it!!!

Oh, yeah, makes sense! Sorry 'bout that!

Grr! Curse you and your natural, easygoing personality!

Ugh, forget it! Come on, guys! We're all heading back to Himeji Castle, imasugumediately!

If I'm gonna be this hazukambarrassed, I might as well open my figurative kimono all the way!