The Oni of the 60th Floor

Look who just showed up! Welcome, everyone♡

Here, the party is right this way. Come on, don't be shy.

Aw crap. Nobody told me Master was coming! Wh-wh-why didn't anyone tell me!?

I thought this was just supposed to be an online friends-only IRL meetup! You tricked me, Tamamocchi!

Well what else could I do, Osakabehime? You'd never leave your room if I didn't.

Guh, I can't believe I fell for it. I THOUGHT it was fishy when you said it would be waaay up here!

But I was just happy because I thought it meant you were finally accepting bats as part of my character!

You're...you're gonna make me die of embarrassment. This is all part of your keikaku, isn't it!?

Now, now, don't you think this is a lovely place for a party? It was only three thousand yen to rent it out for half a day, AND it's got an open bar and Wi-Fi.

Plus, we have a full menu of goodies thanks to that deal we made with Emiya's Kitchen! We didn't even need to ask Benienma for help.

Eh? You called Beni-sensei!? AND the wrought iron chef is coming!?

No, and no. Just a figure of speech. Neither of them is coming.

Besides, Shuten's the one who finally got off her lazy ass and organized all this.

And I highly doubt she'll be letting in any serious oni types like that♡

O-okay, yeah...I guess you're right. I mean, I did come because this was such a rare opportunity...

AND this is a pretty amazing place for a party. It's got everything I could ask for in an IRL meetup.

Except...all these uninvited people showed up! I'm in super lazy-hime mode right now! I'm not ready to

？！

AAAHHHHHH!

Hm? I just got a text...

Me too. Let's see... "Buy me some time until I can make myself presentable"?

Come on, Osakabehime. I keep telling you to stop texting us when we're standing right next to you!

Besides, he already knows what you're really like. There's no point trying to hide it now!

"Shut up and bail me out already! Pretty please♡"

(Sigh)...

Anyway, I'm so glad you could make it, Master.

I hope you like this place; it is where we will be having our wedding ceremony.

Well, I see you've still got a completely one-track mind, Kiyohime. Me, I guess I see this as more of a combination singles mixer and girls' night out?

And that means everyone is welcome, and anyone who wants to leave has to pay their fair share.

Now that you're here, you're to enjoy our discussions, Pocky games, and sultriness until your head spins.

Of course, that goes for you just as much as Master, uh...General Setsubun, was it?

Indeed, I am a general right now. And as such, I have no time to waste with idle chitchat.

Ouch! I'll have you know our discussions are far more than chitchat! And this is no mere game, I assure you!

This is nothing less than our respective lives crashing into each other with full force.

It is a battle none of us can afford to lose, while also being an endless collaborative exchange of information...

We call it the Deadly Spider Lily Romance Talk Murder Party!

Girls' nights out are practically defined by tales of romance! It is a precarious, unavoidable gauntlet, but also a flower that blooms beautifully when nurtured!

Of course, at times, this flower can be so intensely hot that both sides end up getting injured and watching its petals wilt away, but such are the risks we take for love.

At any rate, now that you've arrived at this party, you WILL be joining in.

Oh yes, there's SO much to talk about. Where we should live, when we should get our marriage license, what the rules of our house will be, our children's names...

Those decisions aren't going to make themselves, after all! Teehee!

Hm? Hmm? (Staaare)

...

What about Chinhime!?

That way, our child would get to share both our names! Eee♡

Now I see. No wonder you were off in your own world more than usual!

You're already drunk off your ass. I was too late...

Talk of romance...you say? That, then, is reason enough for me not to take part.

(Sigh) You WOULD say that. I guess I should've known why Shuten really called us here...

Okay, I don't feel great about doing this, but let me ask you too, Master...

Don't you think it's juuust a bit unhealthy and even kind of morbid for a widow to spend all her time playing video games whose point is just to murder people?

Hold on, Master. I believe you both have the wrong idea.

Thank you, Master. I appreciate that. But if I may, I'd like to correct her misconception.

？！

There is nothing morbid about me playing the games of video! In fact, grinding my opponents to dust always puts a smile on my face!

？！

The general's right! You can't just blame everything on video games, Tamamocchi!

Oh, hello Master. Fancy seeing you here.

？！

Osakabehime? You can't just waltz in now like nothing happened!

Whatever. I just thought I should try to do it right this time.

Well, aaanyway...

This place really is nice, you know? I could shut myself in here for a nice, looong time!

So why don't we just stay here together, instead of going out and fighting and everything? I'm tired of that stuff.

Oh, just so you know, Master, the general and I game together all the time.

PC, console... I pretty much taught her everything she knows. I'm her video game sensei!

Stay together? ...I am afraid I must decline. I have much more pressing matters to attend to at the moment.

As such, I must proceed to the next floor. Would you kindly move out of the way?

Huh? But I am soooo laaaaazy!

Ugh. I'm afraid we have certain obligations to Shuten since she's the one who put this all together for us.

As part of the social media monster brigade, we can't just let you pass without a fight. For that matter...

Just look at how fired up Kiyohime is! I don't even have to turn around to see it!

I get it, okay, Kiyohime? You don't want Lord Anchin getting away!

So, if I'm going to keep my word to Shuten AND my tail from getting singed...I'll have to pull out all the stops!

Zzz.

Okay, I'm calling it. This girls' night out is officially over!

(Tap, tap) "Thanks guys! Great party!" Aaaand sent.

Another text? Seriously, I'm RIGHT here. Oh, would you mind sending Kiyohime down on one of your origami cranes?

Fiiine, if I gotta. Okay, seeyanara! Let me know if you ever feel like painting figurines.

Well, that was certainly the noisiest floor we've seen so far.

I guess I still have a long way to go before I'm ready to go on a girls' night out...

Oh, I wouldn't say that. You'll be ready before you know it, Mash. Could even go tomorrow if you wanted.

Hell, if I didn't have all this work to do, I wouldn't mind a chat about romance now and then myself!

So if you ever do decide to go on one, let me know!

R-right. I'll make sure to do that...

At any rate, this floor's all clear. Let's shake it off and move on to the next one!

Wooow, it's so big!

Yes it is!

Hold it, you two. There's no reason to get so excited about a simple outdoor ba

Wooow! It really IS big!

Ahaha, ahahaha! Look, you can even swim in it!

Children, I'm glad you're enjoying yourselves, but you have to keep it down. And no swimming. Other people want to use this bath too, you know!

Oooh, it's waterfront Martha. She's the one who gets all punchy when she's upset. She's even scarier than the bear in the forest.

Eee, run away before she whales on us! Ahahaha!

Where in the world did you two get that idea? Honestly, why can't you two behave yourselves like this little girl?

...

...Wait. Who IS this? I don't think I've ever seen her before...

She is me.

Very well, when in Chaldea, do as the Chaldeans do. I'll start by washing up over here.

Hmm... I guess you can't wash yourself, can you? All right, I'll just have to do it for you.

Come sit over here.

...Now we need to wash under your arms. All right, arms up...

Up.

...(Staaare)

...(Staaare)

...(Staaare)

...Oh, all right already! Come on you three, get over here. I'll help you all out.

Go on and sit in a circle, then wash the back of the one in front of you!

This is like a new kind of Ring Around the Rosie. It's so much fun, it is!

All these white suds kind of remind me of Christmas!

...

Wait a second! I'm the saintly big sister type, right? How is Hassan a better babysitter than me!?

...Oh well, at least the children have settled down.

I guess now's as good a time as any to take a nice, long, relaxing

Woohoooooo! 'Bout time we saw some water again!

I was hoping there'd be enough space to break out my board, and it looks like I was right on the money!

Who needs tides and currents and stuff when you can make your own waves with a couple good Mana Bursts!?

All right, surf's up! ...Oops.

...(Dripping wet)

...

...(Clink)

(Did she just put on her gauntlets without breaking her smile!?)

Sit down, you little delinquent! I'm gonna teach you what it means to respect public property!

Ugh, what do you two think you're doing? Don't you know you're supposed to behave yourselves in the bath?