Section 9: The Great Columbus Battle

Well, that was yet another slog, wasn't it?

Why don't you take a break in the captain's quarters for a while?

Okay, Captain. Why don't you retire to the captain's quarters for a while?

？！

I'm still not entirely sure how I feel about having my captain's quarters stolen from me.

Heeey! Beardiiie!

Comiiing♡

Just like that!?

Talk about living in the moment.

Honestly, I kind of admire that, in a way.

I mean, you know me... I tend to second-guess everything.

Living moment to moment also means dying miserably.

Personally, I think people ought to be more careful about that sort of thing.

That's fine and all, but why're you here, anyway?

Uh, 'cause I want to be. Why else?

I need my front seat to Master's descent into depravity.

Or what? You saying there's no room for me to worm my way in or something?

I'm just saying your swimsuit's kind of a lot.

Well of course. I never hold back when I'm trying to corrupt someone.

...Sure you're not just having fun playing to the cheap seats?

Uh, no? Not even close?

May I humbly suggest that you grant her a warrior's mercy, Caenis, my liege.

The more involved you get with troublesome women, the more you end up feeling like a loser.

Gah! Don't just pop up out of nowhere like that!

...Y'know what? Fair point. I can tell this only ends with me pissed off.

I'm just gonna go find some other way to amuse myself. There we go.

Hey!

...Crap. You talking to me?

Amuse me.

(Whoa. That's the last thing I expected someone to demand of me out of nowhere!)

(Anyway, amuse them, huh... How the hell's a downer like me supposed to do that?)

Three... Two... One...

(A countdown, too!? Crap, I don't have any time to think!)

Uh... I can't do anything entertaining, but I can say something interesting.

Oh? I'm listening.

(...Sorry 'bout this, Achilles.)

You know Achilles's horse, Xanthos? He knows all of Achilles's secrets.

I know 'cause I heard it straight from the horse's mouth. Literally.

Really!?

Secrets that damn invincible carrot-headed bastard doesn't want anyone knowing!?

Well, shit. That actually is interesting.

So I just gotta ask Xanthos about them sometime, huh? I'll do that.

Okay, you're off the hook.

Huh? What's wrong, Ricacchi?

Hehe... I just sold out an acquaintance...no, a friend, to save my own skin...

Would you mind cursing me out, Nagiko? It's the least I deserve.

I see. Well, different strokes, I guess. So you just want me to curse you out then?

Please.

Weakling!

Loser!

No fun downer!

Keep it coming!

Wow, you still haven't had enough!? Okay, um... Greedy-Guts!

...Interesting scene they've got going on over there.

Should I put a stop to it?

No way! This is hilarious!

Good point!

Hup, hup. Phew... There. The deck's all clean now.

Hm? What was that sound?

Did it come from over here?

... ...

Aaaaaaah!

？！

Fou fou.

Steggy and I could really use a break, too...

？！

Phew!

Only one fragment to go, huh... I wonder what'll happen when we collect it?

？！

Ahaha. Yeah. I'm pretty sure I know.

The very fact that Steggy exists at all is miraculous in itself.

But I doubt that miracle's going to last once we get all seven fragments.

？！

Of course not. He'll always be there in my memories, and my records.

Even if all traces of him disappear once this Singularity is resolved...

He'll live on in our logs and our hearts.

That's true even if Proper Human History deems him unnecessary, or if historians consider him to be mere superfluity.

Exactly. We're not on this adventure to find answers. Making mistakes and second-guessing are all part of the process.

Yeah. I sure wouldn't want to live in a world where there's only enough to go around and no more.

Life is made up of all sorts of things. Some are in excess, and some aren't.

I'm sure Steggy's part of the excess, but...even so...

Once he goes away, I think I'm going to...

？！

... ...

Aah!

Wh-what is it!? What's wrong, Steggy!?

Hah hah haaa!

？！

Why you...!

Come on! Let's get to the deck!

Hah hah haaa!

Yaaah!

Grr, get out of here already!

Ugh! Columbus is usually like a wharf roach, but now he's more like an acorn barnacle!

Get off my ship, dammit! I mean, kindly vacate these premises at once, my good sirs!

Why'd you correct yourself there!? Aaah! There's five more headed this waaay!

And they're making off with meee!

Hah hah haaa! He'll make a fine ■■■■■■■! He'll make a fine ■■■■■!

Hey, what are they saying!? I can't make it ooout!

I'm guessing here...

...but I think it's something so horrible it's on the list of taboo terms!

Don't worry!

They're obviously not gonna do anything too bad! Once they take you away, it'll just be curtains for you!

Aaah!

Damn you, Columbuses! Get your hands off my Marine!

Thanks, Blackbeard! But just to be clear, I'm not YOUR Marine, okay!?

'Kay!

Hah hah haaa! Hah hah haaa!

Eeek. Somebody help meee.

Let's see... Eh, pass.

Um, hello? Aren't you supposed to be taking me hostage here?

Damn, there sure are a lot of them! A whole damn lot!

What's with these numbers!? They zombies or something!?

？！

Sharks then!?

？！

What the hell were you guys doing last year!?

Wah!

Hah hah haaa! He'll make a fine ■■■■■■■! He'll make a fine ■■■■■!

Huh? Nooo! Steggy... Let go of me, dammit!

Hah hah haaa! Escape! Hah hah haaa!

Th-the mass-produced Columbuses are b-blasting off like rockets!

Talk about rocket boys! Not that they're even close to being young enough to be called "boy" anymore! And it's not even October!

Dammit! Come on, we'll just have to go after them!

Hah hah haaa!

Out of my way, bastard! ...Huh?

Hah hah haaa, self-destruct! Hah hah haaa, self-destruct!

Hrah!!!

...Shit. It freakin' blew itself up!?

？！

Hah hah haaa, self-destruct! Hah hah haaa, self-destruct!

Oh crap! Crapcrapcrap! My Queen Anne's Revenge is about to go the way of the Titanic!

Oh, that reminds me: this is probably a good time to tell you there are vicious sharks in these waters.

？！

Remember, my brother: the shark will be with you, always.

Was this whole scene really necessary?

But while we're here, I'll say this: you're the only nutjob who's always got a shark with her, bitch.

Hmph.

Keep talking like that, little sister, and I'll clean your mouth out with soap. And by soap, I mean a shark.

Crap. Please don't. Seriously.

？！

Please hang in there, Master! I can almost see the whites of your eyes!

What? Isn't it obvious?

This has gotta be that bastard's doing.

You nasty the guy with the monstrous fingernails who spreads chaos and torment wherever he goes?

Probably!

Welp, this has officially gone from a seafaring adventure flick to a high-tension thriller!

What do we do now, Master!?

？！

Got it! Then I'll turn every last one of these mass-produced Columbuses into sea scum!

You hear me!? Sea scum!!!

Hah hah haaa! Self-destru

Yeah, that's enough outta you, pal. Now get the hell off our ship.

Hah hah haaa!

Coran Dorea AbiraSink away.

That's the last of the mass-produced Columbuses. Th-that was too close for comfort...

What was that last thing you said?

It didn't sound like either French or English to me. Was it Italian or something?

Nah, I just made it up.

Oh. Well that was...not the answer I was expecting...

Come on. Let's head back to base camp before any more of those things show up!

？！

Aye, aye, Cap'n!

Oh, hello there. I see your hunt for the sixth treasure wentHm? What's wrong?

Gordy!

It's Steggy! Steggy's in trouble! They were all "Hah hah haaa! Hah hah haaa!" and then

Hmm. ...Why don't you have some meat first?

This is no time for food!

...(Munch, munch)

Is it good?

...Yes...

Good. Now then...

What do you mean the dinosaur was abducted!?

It's a Holy Grail, right!? That's really, really bad, right!?

I thought it was odd how calm the director was being...

？！

Now, now... Mmm, this meat really is good... Let's all just take it easy... Mmm, this is really, REALLY good...

Hm?

Say, Chan-mas. You seen Altercchi anywhere?

？！

Oh, her? She headed out earlier.

Ah.

Hm? What's up, Okita Alter?

Why'd you get up? Are you that hungry?

Oh, yes, I am hungry. But that's not why I stood up.

I think I hear Rengoku calling for me. I'm gonna go check it out!

Huh!?

All right, camp team, the meat's almost done.

If you'd like to sneak a taste now before dinner is served...

Really, Captain Gof? Okay, don't mind if I do then! (OM NOM NOM NOM)

W-wow, this is so good... It may even be the greatest thing I've ever tasted!

Excuse me! I never said you could taste ALL of it!

It's really good...but...

There's something more important than churrasco on my mind right now...

I'll be right back!

... ...What was that all about?

She said something about Rengoku calling her.

Ah. Rengoku went missing in the underwater cave, yes? They should both be back here soon enough, then.

Yes... I hope you're right. (But I also noticed she took an armload of kebabs with her...)

So yeah, she hasn't come back since.

She'll be fine.

Viy's Mystic Eyes didn't see any death in her future.

Yeah, I guess so.

Besides, you'd know if anything happened to her.

For now, we can just wait for her to get back.

？！

All right, your turn!

Somebody tell me exactly what happened! Somebody not named Sei Shounagon!

Ouch.

... ...

Mandricardo!

Me!?

I suspect out of everyone here, you're the most likely to convey what happened honestly and accurately.

Hold it.

Huh? Well, I mean... You hate explaining things like this, don't you?

... ...

...Yeah, but the way you put it still pisses me off!

？！

Well, uh... Guess I'd better start with the sixth treasure.

We managed to collect the Holy Grail fragment there.

I see.

Then, on the boat ride back...

Right.

We were attacked by a ton of mass-produced Columbuses.

Uh... (Brain starting to reject this new information.)

One of those Columbuses kidnapped Steggy and flew off with him on a rocket.

A...rocket...? (Experiencing simultaneous migraine and cluster headache.)

Then the rest of them started blowing themselves up, so we kicked 'em all into the sea before they could sink us.

... ...How are you still alive?

？！

True. It's honestly kind of a mystery...

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm certainly not going out in an explosion caused by self-destructing, mass-produced Columbuses.

Oh, more meat, please.

... ...

？！

I get that you're anxious about the stegosaurus getting kidnapped.

You still need to eat to keep your strength up, though.

...I'm sorry. It's just that...

The idea of a bunch of mass-produced Columbuses all blowing themselves up is so ridiculous...

...that I'm all but certain I wouldn't be able to keep anything down right now...

So I'll just have to make do without!

What the hell!? Are all grand duchesses this weird, or is it just you!?

Anyway! What's our next move!?

Get Steggy back, of course!

Look, Da Vinci, you're the genius here, so I'm not gonna sugarcoat this:

It's possible they've already killed him, isn't it?

... ...

Steggy might be small and immature, but he's still a Holy Grail.

I'm confident they're not going to destroy him or anything like that.

Also, and this is admittedly just a hunch...

I think that, um, Chris, will take good care of him.

Got it.

Then let's put together a plan under the assumption that he's still alive.

Huh. You're awfully fired up about this, aren't you, Beard?

Of course I am.

Forgiveness may be divine, but nobody steals from a pirate and gets away with it. Not on my watch.

Oh my, how intimidating.

There are few things more difficult to deal with than a scoundrel with nothing to lose, isn't there?

That said, I agree. The only question is, how do we go about storming their hideout and taking back what's ours!?

Hey, I've got a question. First off, let me be clear that I'm totally on board with the storming approach.

But we still don't know where to go.

And you can't really storm an enemy hideout if you don't know where it is, so...

？！

You're right.

Remember how we got a map with the sixth treasure, just like we did with the others?

Well, whatever it is Chris is after, he's going to have to get where the last map leads as well.

Yeah.

(Whoa... I'm sorry to be focusing on this while they're having such a serious discussion, but this chicken teriyaki is incredible.)

In other words!

We're bound to run into Chris sooner or later once we reach the seventh treasure!

Okay, now that I've calmed down a little, I think I'm ready to eat, too!

Good. I'm glad to see you're handling this so well.

Huh?

Oh...

Yeah, I guess I am.

It helps that I have a pretty good idea of how Chris is going to treat a dinosaur.

So at least in that regard, I'm not worried at all!

Is that so? Well, if you're sure.

... ...

Oh Masteeer♡ Could I talk to you for a bit? In private?

？！

It's about what Da Vinci was just saying.

It seemed like she's forgotten all about DOUMAN.

？！

That guy's as villainous as they come. I don't see him leaving the dinosaur alone.

And Da Vinci's not her usual self... Honestly, she's had her head in the clouds for pretty much the whole mission.

...So, I'd like to make a proposal.

What do you think?

？！

T-trust me? I see... You trust me, huh... Hmm.

...Well, I suppose, technically, I AM a Servant.

So I, uh, suppose I could consider living up to that trust. I might even be willing to pay it back threefold.

I could also do it in exchange for your most profuse and effusive thanks, if you prefer.

...Ahem.

Of course, it would also mean going off on my own. But you'd miss me if I did that, wouldn't you, Master?

...If that's how you really feel, then there's no problem at all.

Right?

？！

Still, that said...

Even I know there's not much chance of the two of us leaving everyone to go off on our own.

Which is why I'm going to turn you into a pig: abracadabra! Just kidding. Sort of.

I'm going to turn you into a parrot!

？！

You're the parrot I always take with me now. Hmm, how do I explain this...?

It's...a sort of conceptual vessel you can send your consciousness into whenever you need to be with me.

Really, it's a lot like switching between accounts on a social media platform.

Oh, and while I trust this goes without saying, if you ignore my pings...

I won't be held responsible for what I might do to you, okay? Hehehehe...

？！

So, from now on, I'll be using this parrot to call you when I need you♡

Make sure you answer as long as you're not preoccupied, okay?

Very good. All right, I'll be acting covertly for a while♪

Where have you been? Everything okay?

？！

All right, let's get to it. We need to figure out where the seventh treasure could be.

First up: Blackbeard. What's this pirate penmanship say?

Okey dokey. Let old Beardie take a gander.

Hmm. This one's got something of a poetic flair to it.

"I see the bird walking across the land as it laughs. The drunkards clamor above the treasure, just as they always do."

Hmm. Well, for starters...

The "above the treasure" part can only refer to the location of the treasure, right?

I'm sure.

It would be much too complicated for this treasure to just be a simile for something else.

I don't know what the bird walking across the land could be, though... Does anyone have any ideas? A penguin, perhaps?

You really think we'd find penguins here? In the Caribbean?

I suppose you're right...

Maybe it's talking about sparrow chicks? Those are cute.

？！

"The drunkards clamor as they always do..." That sounds significant, no?

Maybe it's comparing rough seas to drunkards or something?

Could it be some sort of expression unique to pirates?

An expression for rough waves, huh? Hmm... None come to mind.

I can't think of any, either. How 'bout those of you from other areas or time periods?

No idea here.

Samesies!

Nor me, of course. But then, I am a grand duchess. It's very possible I just never heard of it.

These drunkards are clamoring above the treasure, right? So that's obviously gotta mean the treasure's below them.

Well yeah. Whoever wrote this also says they can see the bird walking across the land.

... ...Hmm...

？！

Oh! Well, um, I was just thinking about who the clamoring drunkards part could be referring to.

Yeah?

What kind of people would be most likely to get drunk and cause a racket?

Well, since a pirate drew this map, I'd guess the drunkards would also be pirates.

Right. And as far as the person who drew this map is concerned...

...these drunken people would have to be clamoring at a particular location.

Otherwise, the part about them clamoring above the treasure "as they always do" wouldn't make sense.

Hmm, I see.

So by that logic, it can't be referring to anyone setting up a camp on a certain spot...

...and moving on to a different location a few days later, like us.

Right. So if we consider that another way...

The place where the drunkards clamor would have to be more of a permanent thing.

And where do drunkards usually clamor?

Right! A tavern! Or, as they call them in Great Britain, a pub.

That was very close, Senpai!

But I was actually thinking of a tavern. Or, as they call them in Great Britain, a pub.

Oh, but then again, I do remember that a lot of inns have taverns as well...

So strictly speaking, you're not wrong.

？！

Pubs have been around for ages in Great Britain and other countries, so I think whoever wrote this map must have thought the one they mentioned would be around forever.

Good point. Every one of the taverns we saw in town seemed like it had some rich history to it.

Okay, so if we keep with this idea, it follows that the treasure must be somewhere underneath a tavern.

I mean, there's obviously no way it would still be around centuries later if it was just sitting in the common area.

Then I guess we just gotta figure out which tavern it's talking about. I don't suppose anyone remembers what these local taverns were called?

You remember any of them, Nagiko?

Sure do. I even took pictures of every place we visited.

Why'd you do that?

Neeheehee. For Servantgram, of course.

I've got pictures of the food, the atmosphere, and the places you got banned from.

Huh? What're you talking about? I don't recall being banned from any of these fine establishments!

You don't!?

Well, I remember coming to on top of a mountain of broken tables and pirates a couple times, but that's all.

That happened not once, but twice?

Let's...just move on. Can you tell us these taverns' names, Sei Shounagon?

Sure, just gimme a sec. Let's see, where did we go...

Bluebeard's, Kakapo Kapokapo, The Seafarer's Serenade, The Silver Swan...

The Minerva...and Rock Bottom Hellscape. So six in total.

What in the world kind of taverns did you two visit!?

A swan is a bird... So maybe that's the one?

But isn't Minerva also known for having an owl as her symbol?

Yes, she is.

In Roman mythology, the owl is one of Minerva's symbols.

Oh, yeah... Now that you mention it, Athena did always have one flying around.

The other four were Bluebeard's, Kakapo Kapokapo, The Seafarer's Serenade, and Rock Bottom Hellscape, right?

Sounds like we can cross them off now.

Hmm...

Nnn...

So it's gotta be either The Silver Swan or The Minerva, huh.

Which one do you think it is, Master?

？！

A hunch, huh. Then we'll have to go investigate.

Kapo kapo kaaapo Ka po pooo♪

Oh my, what a delightful song. Did you just come up with that?

Nah, it's the Kakapo Kapokapo's theme song. They had some really good food there.

Hey, if we have time after finding the treasure, why don't we all go there to celebrate?

？！

Ah, if we don't have time, we can always MAKE time. Trust me, I'm an expert!

...Hm? Hang on. Just a moment.

Kakapo Kapokapo... Kakapo...kapo...

Where have I heard that before...?

Oh!

Senpai! Director! There's another bird in those taverns after all!

The kakapo!

It's a kind of parrot that's only found in New Zealand!

Then, does that mean we have to investigate three taverns?

Not at all!

I'm positive The Kakapo Kapokapo is the one we're looking for!

H-how can you be so sure?

Because...

...the kakapo is a flightless bird.

That's it!

...Did you say "neither"?

？！

Oh!

Mash?

You're right, Senpai! The kakapo is a kind of parrot native to New Zealand!

Then, does this mean we have to investigate three taverns?

No, it doesn't.

Unlike swans and owls, kakapos can't fly.

Which means they're birds that walk across the land!

？！

Yup!

All right then, we'll go check out this Kakapo Kapokapo place tomorrow!

For now... Aaah this meat is sooo good!!!

Of course it is. It's basted with the Musik family's special secret sauce!

The Musiks are a mage family, right? ...Are you sure there's nothing weird mixed in there?

Yes, I'm sure. I used a store-bought sauce as a base and merely made some improvements.

Trust me, even if I wanted to add something strange to it, I simply don't have the wherewithal to do so.

I used to back in the day, but as my vast fortune is entirely depleted, well...

Um, since things are getting a little gloomy here, why don't we brighten the mood with a lighter topic!

Go on, everyone! It could even be something as simple as finding money on the road!

Here, Achilles, why don't you start!?

Huh!?

Uh... Well... Oh! Teacher praised me the other day!

There you go! That's great! So what did he say?

"Achilles. At times, just being alive is a wonderful thing."

"And if nothing else, you survived. Granted, you did suffer a fairly painful defeat..."

"And your loss was rather, well, atrocious... But, at least you managed to survive."

"Now, let's have another battle in the simulator. And this time, try to win."

...How is that praise?

Teacher is a genius at finding silver linings!

Strangely, I'm feeling much less gloomy after hearing a hero like you say something like that...

Okay, Mandricardo, you next! Anything good happen lately?

Wat.

... ...

Oh. I found a hundred QP just lying on the ground earlier.

？！

I think you're a few zeroes shy of great.

You know, I found Durendal and a great set of armor on the ground when I was alive, too. I must've used up all my luck there.

I-I see...

... ...

What is this? I thought we were trying to lighten the mood, not dampen it.

Though if we WERE trying to dampen it, there's no way any of us could beat Corday.

What!? That's ridiculous! I don't dampen the mood!

...How come nobody's saying anything?

...I guess that's true...

You're not wrong...

True. There's a difference between cheer and gloom, and dryness and dampness, after all.

Hmm, yeah. In that sense, Corleen's definitely soft on the outside and damp on the inside.

Whereas Anacchi is in a whole other genre entirely.

Hehehe. Are you saying I'm a huge downer with incredibly dry skin?

Because as much as I'd like to take issue with that, I can't.

Congratulations, Char. You're the dampest one of all of us.

But I don't WANT to be!

Master! What do you think, Master!? Am I damp or not!?

？！

...

？！

Right!? I knew it! There you go, everyone!

Master believes I'm not damp, which means I must be as dry as a desert. Hehe.

(That right there is why you're the damp queen.)

(What does "damp" even mean in this conversation?)

Fou fou.

Right?

Hehe, oh Blackbeard, you just can't get these sorts of things right, can you?

(There's so much I wanna say right now, but I think the smart thing to do is bite my tongue and say) Guess not!

Er, ahem. May I say something now?

？！

Am I correct in assuming you'll be heading out tomorrow morning?

Yes, that's right!

You know it!

I see. In that case...

Go to sleep already!

Keep this pointless chitchat up, and it'll be past midnight before you know it!

And while you Servants may understandably tend to forget this, humans need sleep to function!

As does the technical advisor!

Huh? I don't think I need much sleep... But, okay. I appreciate your consideration.

Okay, Fujimaru and Mash, go brush your teeth!

Right! I'll make sure to brush very thoroughly, so I don't get any cavities!

That's the spirit!

All right, everyone, you're excused from the...well, campfire.

？！

Huh? Fujimaru?

Fou fou.

You're here too, Fou? Everything okay?

？！

Gotcha.

Me, I've been so used to Steggy being nearby lately that it feels weird without him.

So I woke up early, too.

(Yawn...) Huh? Senpai? Da Vinci?

？！

Yes... Oh, but it's okay. I'm not tired.

What about you, Senpai? Are you doing okay?

？！

True, it was amazing, wasn't it? Anyway, I'm glad to hear you're doing well.

Were you just talking about meat?

Fou fou.

Well, never mind that now. I can't say I approve of you three being up this late.

I suppose at this point you're more up early than late, hm?

？！

Oh, don't worry about me. I'm an adult. I always make sure to get plenty of sleep.

...Well, it'll be morning soon. Care for a coffee or some such?

？！

I'd love one!

Thanks, Gordy.

All right, four coffees, coming up.

Go fetch the cups, would you?

(Blowing to cool the coffee)

(Blowing hard to cool the coffee)

Yeowch, that's hot.

The sun's coming up soon, isn't it? You can barely see the stars anymore.

Nnn... This is pretty bitter. Can you pass the sugar, Fujimaru?

？！

Thanks.

(Blowing harder to cool the coffee)

Is it still that hot?

Oh!

No, I'm sorry. I just got so caught up in blowing I forgot to actually drink it.

I'll try it right now.

...Um, Senpai? Could I have the sugar too, please?

？！

What about you, Senpai? Do you not need any sugar in yours?

Wow, Senpai, you're so grown-up...

Whoa, that's quite a lot. You take your coffee Brazilian-style or something?

？！

Yes, I suppose so.

No one can argue that running around caves and ruins, or making our way through untouched jungle is adventurous...

But there's something to be said for being out here drinking hot coffee under the starry sky, too.

This feels like one of the best parts of the adventure so far to me. How about you, Gordy?

Being as I am of noble upbringing, I can't wait to leave.

Fou fou...

Just one blunt response, huh? I see you're still the same Gordy as ever!

Oh, get off my case.

Still, I suppose life is easier here than at Novum Chaldea.

？！

What, you mean you didn't notice? These tents are all a kind of Mystic Code.

I made sure they have everything: insect repellent, spirit wards, dehumidifiers, climate control, air-conditioning... The works!

Wow, that's impressive. But why did you outfit them with all that?

Well, every time I went solo camping with the homunculi, they kept asking for more and more functionality to the tents, so...

(Wait, how is that solo camping?)

？！

Absolutely! Trust me on that!

Ahaha, you can be real stubborn sometimes, can't you, Gordy?

Still, I gotta say, all those solo camping skills you cultivated really paid off for us here.

Not to mention that churrasco was incredible!

Oh, right, that reminds me.

I should use the leftovers to make sandwiches for today's lunch.

Fou fou... Fou?

Don't give me that look of carnivorous hunger, fur ball!

I can see what it is you're after!

It's okay, Fou. I'm sure the director will be happy to share a little with you when nobody's looking.

Well, I suppose you can have the trimmings... But remember, constant overeating is not good for you, understood?

Fou!

I think Fou is trying to say "Don't be ridiculous! It's totally fine!"

What should I do, Senpai!? Whose side should I take!?

F-fou fou...

It's okay, Fou. You'd still be cute even with a few extra kilos on you.

Fou...

Aww, he just went back into the tent.

I really do think he'd be so cute if he were a little pudgy though...

Ahaha, I guess he disagreed.

Fou fou fou!

O-oh wow! Fou really doesn't like that!

If he had any signs to talk with, I bet he'd be holding them up so fast it'd be dizzying!

Fooou!

And now he's gone back into the tent...

Hahaha, I win!

...Though I can't say I'm happy about it.

I think I'll bring Fou some bacon later to cheer him up...

If you wouldn't mind...

？！

(Sigh...)

I wonder how Steggy's doing.

Do you really think he's okay?

I do. It's just like I said last night. I'm sure he is.

That said...

They are probably messing with him in all sorts of different ways.

I don't think they'll hurt him, but I hope they're not bothering him too much...

...

There's a good boy. Theeere's a good boy. Good boy. Good little dinosaur.

Ooh, that's a good one. Where's my camera? I gotta get this on film.

Mmmmmm... And here I'd imagined you putting it on display, or dissecting it for science.

I cannot begin to understand why you would simply...shower it with affection.

Why would I waste a good dinosaur like that? Ahh, what a beautiful form. I love it...

Oh, are you hungry? DOUMAN, bring him some snacks.

All right. Hmm, let's see. What is it stegosauruses like again?

How about these live worms?

That ought to work. Heeere, Steggy, Steggy. Here're some nice worms.

Aw, he doesn't want them.

Huh, herbivores don't like worms, I guess... Here, DOUMAN, you can eat them!

Hahaha. I'll pass, thanks.

Okay, let's try grass then. Grass grass grass♪ Grass grass graaass♪

...Hmm, I wonder what kind of grass he eats. What kind of grass do you have on you, DOUMAN?

Well, if you're looking for medicinal herbs and poisonous plants that can inflict excruciating pain on

Never mind. Just get me some edible grass then.

Grass. You want ME...to bring you...grass.

Yes! Go!

Mmmmmm... Well, I suppose I do have a lawn mower on hand.

If I put one of my shikigami with multiple blades to work dancing, it should be able to cut through weeds like so much

Oh, right. We need ferns. Get me some ferns, 'kay?

And don't come back until you have some. In fact, don't come back at all. Go gather them like your life depends on it.

Mmmmmm!

I can't believe there was a cave entrance in a place like that.

I wish I could let Master know, but I don't have any way to reach him.

I should've planned ahead...

Rengokuuu? Are you heeere?

I know you're there, Rengoku.

I have a signal on my Rengoku radar, you know.

Why'd you have to go and get a radar like that installed...

Rengoku!

Gah! Get off of me. You're hot, and sticky, and it's hard to breathe.

No way! I'm too warm and happy to let you go! Ahh, that grumpy defiance... It really is you, Rengoku.

But...what are you doing here, of all places?

Well...

After my Spirit Origin finally stabilized, I tried to reach out and contact you.

I guess it must've worked.

Here. Take a look at this.

Hm?

This is... Then...

So that's what's going on here?

Apparently so. What should we do?

I'm sure Master and Da Vinci will eventually find their way here, too.

Yeah. This is probably the seventh one, so it's got to just be a matter of time until they show up.

...

...There's no question of what we should do.

We have to protect it, no matter who we have to fight.

Understood. That's what I thought you'd say.

Okay then, Wielder... You and I will be its guardians then.

Besides, it's not like this is the first time it's been us against the world.

You're wrong there, Rengoku. We're protecting the right to see a choice through to the end.

So it's important we believe that we're doing the right thing.

...Did you have some bad rice or something?

No, I had churrasco. It was scrumptious.

Oh wow, it's already morning.

I didn't realize how long we'd been talking.

Don't blame me if you're all sleepy by afternoon!

？！

You see? Senpai is doing great!

Are you sure you're not just a bit high from sleep deprivation!?

Oh my. You're all up early today, aren't you? (Yawwwn...)

Good morniiing! It looks like today's going to be another beautiful day!

Please keep it down, Char. It's too early for that much energy.

I still haven't fully woken

The dawn!!!

Is tinged!!!

With purple clouds!!!

Would you be QUIET, Nagiko! Could you possibly be any louder!?

What IS it with you!? It's like I've just had a heavy metal concert set as my alarm.

Shut uuuuuup!

Between Nagiko's yelling and the horse neighing, I feel like I've just been woken up with a Noble Phantasm!

？！

Yeah, the horse. Oh, wait, there is no horse, huh? I must've imagined

No, hang on! It's MY horse! Xanthos!

Hell if I know how, but that four-legged bastard figured out how to neigh while still in his spirit form!

So, he neighed at you telepathically? Oh, morning, by the way.

Damn that horse.

I'm gonna give him the lecture of his materialization as soon as I make him manifest physically.

(How're you gonna do that!?)

Ugh, can't you lot at least keep it down in the morning? Stop goddamn shouting. Just sto

...Stop...it.

You just realized how absurd it is for you to have a problem with people shouting, didn't you?

Shut it, pirate. I'm the safety officer here.

Hm?

Say, Fujimaru, do you know what happened to that scary demon king girlI mean, Kama?

？！

And Okita Souji apparently left to go find Rengoku, with no way to find or contact her...

Well, no matter. Between all of you, I'm sure there's no enemy we can't handle!

Haaahaha!

You got that right. Haaahaha!

(Well that's just begging for trouble.)

(They're really tempting fate, aren't they?)

(I've got a bad feeling about this.)

All right, everyone, let's do our best out there!

？！

(Aaand that's the last flag we needed for our bad end route. You've got a long, hard road ahead, Master.)

？！

(Then I'll say the rest of my piece in binary: 01100100 01100101 01100001 01110100 01101000)

？！

Whoa, you're almost never this confident, Master.

... ...

Blackbeard? What is it?

I've made up my mind.

Once this Rayshift is over...I'm gonna get married.

You don't say.

Couldn't you at least pretend to be interested?

Hehehe. There's a lot I don't know in this world...

But I do know that what you've just said is fated to forever be out of your reach.

Oh, but I wouldn't ever think of stopping you from trying! You seem like the kind of person who'll survive no matter what!

Whoa... Not only do you get me nearly perfectly, you're not even bothered by it...

Did you want me to be?

Hmm... Well, now that you mention it... I guess I'm not bothered myself, but I kind of want others to be?

I want to be fawned over for every little thing I do. I want to be praised just for breathing...

If you can breathe underwater, I'll praise you.

So I'd need gills, huh... Hmm... I think maaaybe...I could pull it off?

Um, no you couldn't. It's physically impossible.

It'd be much easier to just use an underwater breathing spell.

Hold on. You're a pirate, right, Blackbeard?

Then as a pirate, I'm sure you can find a way to pull it off!

No! No he can't! This isn't like one of those sports games where the losing team pushes through impossible odds and pulls out an improbable victory because of some nonsense about hope and dreams!

Fou fou, fooou...

And now that the little fur ball is feeling better, he's going after my bacon again!

All right, let's have some breakfast! I'm so hungry I could eat my own horse!

... ...

What?

Oh, no, it's nothing.

You just talk about how hungry you are so frequently that you reminded me of a typical shounen manga protagonist.

？！

I can definitely see that.

...Is that a good thing?

Absolutely. (I think.)

Good! No problem then!

(He really is like a shounen manga protagonist, isn't he? He's honest and direct, big on hopes and dreams, and quick to do the right thing.)

Hmm...

？！

I just realized I'm Icarus. I'll melt if I get too close to (someone as bright as) the sun.

... ...

... ...

Why's everyone backing away from me?

It's true. If we're talking about bright personalities and gloomy ones, Achilles is as bright as they come.

So I felt like I could use a little shade...

Same...

Tch. Well, what're you gonna do? I can't help it! I was born this way!

And if that means you can't get along with me, well, there's nothing we can do about that, either.

I've just gotta keep my allies and enemies nice and separate, or I'll lose my motivation to fight.

That sounds like the voice of experience. Been through this kind of thing before?

I don't remember it too well...but I do get the feeling Teacher lectured me about this at one point.

I think he said something about seeing enemies as allies dulls your spear.

So that's how you kept your winning streak going, huh? No wonder people hated you.

Piss off.

You know, I just realized something.

This must mean the god who suits you best would be...

Apollo.

Huh? Uh...

I'm very bright, yes. I'm basically a clone of the sun.

...I wonder if it's too late for me to switch to the downer side...

You really don't like Apollo, do you?

Not one bit.

Hey, don't be like that. You and I should be friends. Now come on, let me torture you. It'll cheer Paris up, too.

Not on your life!

？！

Me too. I'm good to go whenever!

Hm? What're you doing over there, Gof?

Hm?

... ...Wait. You mean I'm going, too?

This's the final battle, right? 'Course we're gonna need our general there.

Whaaa...!?

Er, I'm sorry, everyone, but someone has to stay here to hold down the

Come on, Gordy, come with us!

I'm sure this is going to be our last adventure of the summer! I don't want anyone to miss out!

I want us all going together!

Hmm.

... ...Oh, all right.

But if I think it's too dangerous, I won't hesitate to beat a hasty retreat!

On this, I refuse to compromise!

Well hey, if that happens, either Caenis or I'll make sure you escape.

Though it'll probably get a little rough.

Rough? How so, exactly?

I'll grab you by the scruff of your neck, toss you as hard as I can, and just trust you to handle the rest with your magecraft. So, basically the plan'll be...

LIVE!

That's a plan!?

Hm? Someone's coming.

Are we under attack? ...No, it doesn't look like it.

(Huff, huff, huff...) Oh, it's you guys!

I couldn't have found ye at a better time!

？！

That's right, it's me! Pirate C!

I'm one of the pirates who greeted ye when ye first showed up here 'bout a week ago!

？！

Bah, water under the bridge! 'Sides, we got bigger things ta worry about!

？！

Shaaark... Shaaark...

(I didn't know they could talk...)

Oh, look. An enemy. Sucks to be them!

They should've known better than to come strolling up to our camp!

... ...That's a lot more of them.

Um... At a glance, there's so many of them I don't even want to bother counting...

Hey, Gof.

I've got a tremendously bad feeling about this, but... Yes?

You're in luck. You're gonna get to try out that escape method sooner than I thought.

I knew iiit!

All right, Boss, time to fly!

Couldn't you have at least given me a heads uuuuuup!?

...Looks like we don't have a choice.

We'll have to get through these guys if we're going to find where Gordy landed!

We'd better get rid of at least eight or so, then! Works for me! I'll mow 'em down, no problem!

I know it's a bit late to be asking now, but...what in the world ARE those bipedal sharks, anyway!?

What do ye mean?

Didn't ye see the way they're dressed? What else could they be but pirates?

Huh? Ye're sayin' those ain't masks?

Well, now yer just bein' silly.

Ye want me ta believe there're real shark-headed monsters runnin' 'round the island?

C'mon, use yer head, man!

？！

And a two-bit nobody one at that!

By the way, why were those things chasing you in the first place?

Oh, they weren't chasin' me. They were runnin' away, too.

...Huh?

Hah hah haaa!

Hah hah haaa?

Hah hah haaa!

...Got some color commentary on this situation for us, Fujimaru?

？！

That's an extremely apt way of putting it, Senpai. I mean, Master.

This is...something else. There are Columbuses everywhere you look!

Near as I can tell, this place is now three parts land, seven parts Columbus.

I'm scared.

Um... Are we really going to have to fight our way past all them?

I'm afraid so.

We know for a fact that the entrance to Kakapo Kapokapo is somewhere around there.

All the caves and ruins we've explored so far have been so far from any trace of civilization.

It never occurred to me we'd be returning to town to find the final treasure.

I don't know if it was a pirate, a mage, or a pirate mage that planned all this out, but whoever it was, they were definitely a twisted piece of work.

Either way, I don't see how we're getting in there except by fighting our way in.

？！

Oh Master? Do you have a moment? I need your consciousness over here, if you don't mind.

？！

...I beg your pardon?

Well, hello there. I'm so glad you answered my call♡

You seemed like you were in trouble, so I thought I'd offer my help.

？！

Oh, don't worry about him. He's just out mowing the lawn and cursing to himself.

？！

That's a good question. Even I was shocked by the sight.

But he doesn't seem like he's going to be any trouble for the moment, so I figured I'd help you out.

？！

Yes, the mass-produced ones that have been springing up seemingly everywhere. Oh geez, I just had the worst thought.

In fact, it's so awful that I need to share it with you just so I don't have to suffer alone.

One word: "Parthenogenesis."

Exactly!

Believe me, I wish I'd never imagined it, either!

？！

At any rate, it doesn't seem like those mass-produced Columbuses are just roaming around aimlessly like locusts.

They're more of a hive mind, like, say, an ant colony.

And from what I've seen, there are a few leader Columbuses mixed in giving instructions to all the others.

？！

That's right. They won't be able to work as one force anymore, at least temporarily.

The problem is, it looks like there are at least three of the leader types in this town alone.

And if you don't defeat all three at basically the same time, their forces will overwhelm you.

...So, what are we going to do?

？！

I agree.

So, here's what we're going to do: I'll handle the leader I've got my eye on.

You and the others find some way to take care of the other two. Got it?

...(Sigh) This is so boring. We may as well be in an office building since all we're doing is talking about work. Isn't there some way you can, you know, liven the mood?

？！

I can't believe we're finally all alone, and all we can talk about is Columbus!

... ...

This is ridiculous. How many times have we said the word "Columbus" on this mission?

？！

I feel like I've said that name enough for at least a couple of lifetimes.

I generally don't want to say any name but yours. It reduces depravity power when I do.

...Hmph. Mash has been calling you for a little while now. All right, I suppose I'd better let you go.

Don't forget to contact me if you need to.

All you have to do to get in touch with me is say: "I love Kammy♡"

Okay then, see you lateeer.

Oh, Master. Good morning.

Are you okay? You, um, fell asleep so suddenly that I got a little worried...

？！

I see. All right, let me make sure I have this straight.

We need to defeat the leaders mixed in among all these mass-produced Columbuses...

...which will confuse the rest of them, thereby enabling us to get past them and into the ruins!

... ...

That's accurate. I know it's accurate...

But am I the only one here who is so bewildered by all this it feels like his brain is going to break?

Hey, Goredolf.

Yes?

I've been at Chaldea for a long time now (I think)...

So as one of the old guard Servants, let me give you some advice.

What is it?

Never, EVER think too hard about anything that happens during summer or Halloween.

I... Uh... Nnn... I suppose that may be true, but still...

Should things really be like that at Chaldea?

Whenever one of these events rolls around, reality is superseded by pure optimism.

And when Chaldea needs to make decisions, there are some things that just trump what's real.

All the more so when precious materials are involved.

...I have no idea what you're talking about, but, uh, I'll do the best I can...

All right, it looks like the first thing we need to do is find these, uh, leader Columbuses!

... ...

...But, how are we supposed to find them among all...that?

If this were a video game side quest, it would be the super ultra hardcore inferno difficulty version.

It's impossible.

Definitely impossible.

Oh, I almost forgot.

The leader Columbuses are easy to pick out because they have "Leader" written on their talismans.

They also make different sounds.

？！

Bahahahaha, so it's like a giant game of spot the difference!

So, they have "Leader" on their talismans... I see...

Got it. Here, I found one.

Already!?

I'll mark them! Just tell me which ones they are!

Got it. Hup.

Hey! Don't pick me up like this! What do you think I am, a cat!?

There, you see that store with the red roof on the biggest street in town?

Um... Oh, yeah! I see it!

And you see the two Columbuses on the roof? The leader's the one on the right.

Let's see... Oh hey, so he is.

Leader! Hah hah haaa!

And yeah, he's shouting "Leader!"

That's a leader Columbus all right!

If he doesn't qualify as a leader, I don't know who could!

If you say so...

Ooh, ooh. I just found the other one.

Great! Where is he?

Here, Achilles, pass me the Da Vinci.

You got it.

HEY! I'm not just a ball to pass around!

Upsy-daisy! There you go, nice and high.

Oh wow, this really IS high up. It's a little scary! Anyway, where's the leader?

Time to break out my binoculars...

Okay, um, see the tavern over there?

Yup, I see it.

And you see how there're a bunch of Columbuses having a drink together there, yeah?

Whoa, so many...

Now, do you see a Columbus standing on a table giving a speech?

Oh, yeah, there he is! And yeah, it says "Leader" right on his face!

Leadeeer♪

And he's singing "Leader," too! That's gotta be him!

Um, excuse me? Would you mind if I performed a quick sanity check?

？！

Right.

If there's one thing I've learned from past summers, it's that momentum is very important.

So we just have to run in and let the chips fall where they may!

I-I see! Very well then, let's run in and get them!

Hello? You guys all set?

？！

Understood.

Then I'll take down the leader over here once I hear the fighting start.

Hmm, I see. So the timing's all up to us, huh?

Indeed.

Our top priority is to take down the two leader Columbuses we've marked.

So we'll need to focus our attention carefully to ensure we bring them down first.

All right, let's go! ...But let's try to get close without them noticing us first.

？！

Hah hah haaa! Hah hah haaa!

Leader! Lea...?

Leeeadeeer!

Tch, that didn't take long! All right, let's get 'em!

I've got them all marked, so don't let them get away!

Okay, let's do this!

Right on!

Okay!

Let's kick their asses, Achi!

Leadeeeeeer!?

？！

Hmm. This world is now in the latter days of the law. All will soon come to an end.

Just seeing these mass-produced Columbuses running around every which way has inspired me to poetic insights.

If you're talking about the end of the world, I think this more than qualifies, personally...

Anyway, if we're reading this map right, the basement of Kakapo Kapokapo should be the entrance to the final ruins.

？！

All right, so we just have to make our way through this sea of Columbuses to get there!

... ...

I don't know if I can do this...

It's okay, Char. You can do this. You just have to empty your mind and push these things out of your way!

Hell yeah, let's do this! No Rider of Resistance is stopping me!

Hell with this. I'm just jumping on their heads to get there.

...I wasn't expecting Caenis jumping on their heads to make such a cute sound effect...

？！

Fou fou...

I can see this is hard for you too, Fou. Hang in there!