Rules of the Medical Tent

One can find all manner of dangers in the mountains.

Indeed.

And a mountain like this that has spawned a mysterious Singularity is to be trusted even less.

In addition to the typical assortment of wounds and injuries one can incur, this mountain is apparently also home to a variety of bizarre spiritual phenomena...

...which means we can expect to see supernatural illnesses here as well.

Hehehe... Muahahahaha! Yes, that's it! Show me every strange and unusual symptom you can muster!

Excuse me, but could I have a word with you two?

Oh, good. I see you finished the poster you were talking about.

Yes, we did. These are the rules we expect all seeking treatment in this tent to abide by. No exceptions.

This is not our usual infirmary. We have almost nothing in the way of equipment.

So if we are going to practice medicine to our full ability, we must work with what we have.

Which is why we needed to make the rules of this tent clear for all to see.

Let's see... "Always answer the doctor's questions truthfully." "Always do exactly what the doctor says."

"Do not cry, even if it hurts." "Crying will not make us stop the treatment"...

Well, these rules do make sense given the circumstances, and they're certainly not unreasonable.

But I do think they could use a few adjustments to their phrasing.

I just don't want to waste my time explaining the rules to foolish patients who can't take a hint.

Now what do you want? Things are not so dire that we need more assistants at the moment.

Oh, right, I nearly forgot. I have a patient for you.

Oh?

Well hello there. So this is the local first-aid station? I see, I see.

As for what brings me here, well, it's really nothing to worry about.

I was merely skipping around the mountain in a manner rather unbefitting my age when

You lost your footing on a slope and got your head stuck in a tree hollow, and the inertia from your tumble caused your neck to swivel around three and a half times!?

Great. Let me take a look.

What? No! My poor back just got a bit bruised, that's all.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to trouble the medical team with this, but I didn't want to risk it growing worse and causing trouble for everyone else.

What's the problem?

I've been exorcising spirits since I got here, and I think my shoulders have been growing heavier as of late. I've also been getting chills down my spine.

I've always had something of an affinity for, um, negative forces...

...and I'm worried that might be causing problems with my Spirit Origin...

Oho, I see! It could be that, or it could be a rare disease unique to this region...

All right, come over here and have a seat, and we'll begin the consultation right away.

Now, when did this begin? How unpleasant would you say this sensation is? Have you noticed anything else amiss?

Um... What about me?

Tch. There are compresses right over there. Help yourself.

What kind of doctor clicks their tongue at a patient!?

It is a matter of triage, sir. Patients are treated as they come in, in accordance with the urgency of their condition.

Worry not, you'll get the treatment you need as well. It's essential that you do.

There's no need to trouble the doctor for it, either. I'll see to it myself.

H-hang on, just a moment, please. Might I ask why you're holding the compress like that? That stance reminds me of a sumo wrestler preparing to slap their opponent with a harite.

Please tell me you aren't going to hit my poor back at full strength like

There you go. Now you just need to rest and let your injury heal.

...I applaud your initiative in getting your rest, but I can't recommend sleeping on the floor. It's not hygienic.

Here, allow me to carry you to bed. If you prefer, I can bring a bed to you.

(I'm amazed to see those two getting along so well. I never would have expected it.)

Oh, by the way, did you hear the news?

What news? Is this about more prospective patients?

Well, no... But it is something I think you would find interesting.

Apparently, this Singularity...

...is home to real, honest-to-goodness zombies.

...Tell me more. After I've finished treating this patient, that is.

Are these "zombies" really such an urgent matter...

...that we had to leave the medical tent unattended to go see them?

Yes, they are. I insist on looking into anything relating to life after death, or humans otherwise overcoming death in some form.

Even if these zombies have nothing to do with longevity, and their post-death animation is just some sort of disease or other natural phenomenon, they would still warrant close study.

They could very well hold some kind of hint to advancing medicine as a whole.

I can't let these fascinating specimens slip through my fingers.

...?

What are you saying, Doctor? Surely you must know that there's no creature that moves after dying.

We should assume these so-called zombies are simply ordinary people suffering feverish delusions.

Oh, wait, I see. You were just making a joke, weren't you? Now I understand.

So we're basically just making a house call, yes? In that case, I'd be glad to help.

...Good. Thanks.

Hm? Hold it. Take a look at that.

Perfect. That thing can be our first test subject.

I'll need a complete sample to study this phenomenon thoroughly, so we'll have to subdue it without harming it.

Understood. Not to worry. I have a fair amount of experience when it comes to subduing patients.

All right, let us begin our consultation!

Huh. That's strange.

I thought I had successfully subdued the patient, only for them to disappear before my eyes.

What could this mean? No ordinary human could simply disappear like that. Did they employ some kind of illusion?

I see. So these creatures continue their destructive behavior for as long as their magical energy lasts, and when it runs out, they vanish into the ether.

We'll just have to find another subject then. It won't be easy, but I still want to capture at least one for study.

...

Then this IS all an illusion.

Or perhaps I'm dreaming right now? Yes, that must be it.

In that case, I have no choice but to request a leave of absence.

If this is all a dream, then there must be dream-specific ways to sterilize, disinfect, and carry out my other nursing duties.

So I'm going to go brush up on my technique.

Oh? All right.

Well, if nothing else, I'm glad to see she's so motivated to improve herself. Medicine does demand its practitioners study relentlessly, after all.

Indeed, no doctor or nurse worth their scalpel should ever approach their work as routine. That is the precise opposite of a successful medical mindset.

...That being said, there also isn't much to be gained by simply waiting here for my nurse to return.

Medicine isn't going to advance itself while its practitioners rest, after all. I'll have to think of something I can do in the meantime.

Aw dang, the head came off again.

This ain't nearly as easy as ropin' a buffalo. Hope I didn't lose my touch with my lasso.

Wow, this is waaay harder than it looked!

I can make a whole family of space bison line up single file with one lasso, but I can't snag any of these zombies without them disappearing.

Maybe their bodies just aren't tough enough to be captured?

That doesn't mean we can just give up. Not if we're to advance the frontiers of medicine. What else can we do?

Hmm, good question. If we can't lasso or hogtie these things...our only choice might be to try and stop 'em with somethin' soft.

Something soft, something soft...

Ooh, ooh, I've got it! There's nothing softer than sheep!

All we've gotta do is surround them with a flock of soft, fluffy sheep, and they won't be able to go anywhere!

Super clever, right? Just goes to show I'm more than just a pretty face!

...Sheep?

Forget it. Out of the question.

Whaaat!? Come on, why wouldn't that work!?

Still, you are on the right track. We need something that can contain these creatures completely, without harming them. Hmm...

Ugh, I swear. I only came here because they said it was a nice resort. I certainly didn't expect it to be so goddamn hot.

This is false advertising if ever I've seen it. I'm tempted to throw in a little more ice just to bring the temperature down a bit.

You'd think they would at least have a fan or something around here...

Managing one's body temperature to accommodate the environment is just as much a part of medicine as anything.

If you can do that by managing the environment's temperature directly, I won't stop you. Hell, I'll even encourage you.

Better to use air conditioning than to suffer from heatstroke, and better to turn on the heat than freeze to death. That's just common sense.

Yes, yes, never mind that. I'm all done now, correct? Then I'm going to go get out of this heat already.

Wait. How do I defrost it?

You don't have to. I held back enough that the ice should melt on its own.

Now, unless you want to add a clause to our contract paying me extra to serve as a microwave as well, I'm going to be on my way.

...I guess I'll just have to find a cart or something to carry it back to my provisional lab.

Good day, citizen! Galactic Police here! I've come to investigate the readings I detected in this region!

What's that? Is there something strange going on at this resort, you say?

I could have sworn I picked up the signal of a Foreigner that needs to be taken into custody around here, but my sensors have kind of been on the fritz lately...

You're police, you say? Well, I haven't done anything that would disturb the peace, so move aside.

Hold it, hold it! That was close! I nearly let you pass without thinking twice about it!

Anyway, you're not going anywhere just yet, pal.

That thing you're carrying might look like a big block of jellied eels, but I can tell it isn't!

This is obviously a clear-cut case of the desecration of a corpse. Or is it destruction of a corpse? Eh, I guess they're both equally illegal.

At any rate, this is a major crime, and you need to come back to the station with me now. Don't try to resist.

Don't be an idiot. I haven't destroyed anything. Why do you think I've gone to such lengths to preserve it?

This is just an ordinary, everyday zombie. I'm bringing it back to my lab to further my research.

I don't know what kind of research you're getting up to, but anything involving zombies can't be safe.

There was a space apocalypse case a while back where some space zombies completely overran a space colony. A real space tragedy.

I really hate that genre. Those stories never end well.

At any rate, like I said, you're not going anywhere, Mysterious Snake Doctor! You're under space arrest!

Tch. This is exactly the problem with public authority figures.

It doesn't matter how valid my research is. Those fools with their god complexes are always interfering with my work.

All I'm trying to do is advance medicine as a whole for the good of people everywhere. Why can't you see that!?

It seems I have one more foolish patient to treat before I can continue my work!

I'll admit, I was a little taken aback when that zombie came out of the ice...but I still won in the end!

I hope you've learned your lesson about the illegal study of illegal zombies!

...Huh? That's weird. You don't seem all that upset.

Are you hungry or something? I'm afraid I don't have the petty cash to treat you to a loco moco bowl.

Hmph. Battle or not, I would never miss an opportunity to further my studies.

I took a quick look at the zombie before it thawed, and I can say with certainty now that it was never human.

It's a creatureone could even say a speciesthat resides solely within this Singularity, like the other Demonic Beasts.

Hmm, gotcha. So now that you know it's not human, you couldn't care less about it.

That definitely says something about you. Maybe not something entirely good...

...but I can at least tell that underneath that gruff exterior beats a heart that burns for justice.

What's that? How can I tell? Well, you know... Just looking at your haircut...

A-anyway, never mind that.

Now that I know you're unlikely to commit this crime again, I'll let you off with a warning.

Well, I do still gotta write you a ticket. The warning is: get two more of these and you're outta here.

And with that: farewell, citizen!

(...That's right. These things aren't human, so they can't help advance medicine directly.)

(...However...)

(Maybe I can still use them, especially since they're humanoid. Surely they must have some research value...)

Hmm. His tracks definitely lead to this area, but I can't tell where he went from here.

Oh, hello.

Nightingale. I haven't seen you in a while. What are you doing out here?

I'm not sure how much point there will ultimately be to it, given that this is a dream...

...but I have spent time training myself to master the present situation, and have finally succeeded in doing so.

I-I see. Well, if a nurse as experienced as you says so, then I'm sure you have.

Still, do try not to push yourself too hard.

Thank you. I appreciate your concern. So, what are you doing here?

I'm looking for Asclepius.

He's been running off whenever there's a moment to spare at the clinic...

...so whenever we get a new patient, I have to come out to look for him.

Oh, hello, citizens. What seems to be the problem?

If you're lost, I recommend this GPS with embedded AI. I use it aaall the time.

No, we're not lost. We Hold on. Do you hear that?

There he is. But what's he doing?

He's not alone, either.

Hmm... I don't like it. Looks to me like they're engaging in some sort of illegal transaction.

Ice cream smuggling, specifically.

Not that I can blame them. Earth's ice cream is especially yummy.

Still, why would they be smuggling out here, in a forest?

(If anything, it looked to me like he was just rewarding her for her help.)

Suspect on the move.

He's going into that cavern. Let's follow him!

...All right. I am sorry to intrude on his privacy like this, but I'm also concerned about what he's up to.

All right, just stay nice and still. That's it. Just like that...

Hehehe. You're far easier to examine than some foolish patients who actually understand me. Hehehe...

Hmm, I see. So that's the problem. In that case...

Agh... Ngh... Grah...

That's it! I can't take it anymore, so I won't!

How could you do this!? I thought you were a mystery man dedicated to justice!

Show yourself, Mr. Overlong-Sleeves! What have you been up to in this dark cave!?

Who's that? This is a top-secret medical research facility. What are you

Oh. It's you.

...

Don't look at me. I haven't done anything that warrants a report.

And pay no mind to the cage shrouded in darkness behind me. There is nothing in it.

Are you certain? It sounds like there are a whole lot of somethings writhing around back there.

...Ah.

Dammit. I must've forgotten to lock up.

When did you get so many?

You've certainly been busy, haven't you?

Um, I think I already mentioned this before, but this whole genre really isn't my thing...

But wait, never mind that now! What do you mean you haven't done anything!? You're lying to an officer, you know!

What I said was, I haven't done anything that warrants a report.

Why would I? It should be no surprise that I would research these things.

You all know everything I do is ultimately meant to expand medicine as a discipline, right?

Absolutely not! This violates every statute of the Z-99 (Zombie Ninety-Nine) Space Pharmaceuticals Regulations Act!

The sterilization procedures for this sort of thing are so complicated that it usually takes several months just to get the permits...

...and I hate dealing with that kind of red tape anyway, so I'm just gonna blow this whole operation sky-high and call it a day!

Etherspace, Yet Lawful!

Stop! You can't do this! Do you know how hard I've worked on these research subjects!?

I finally got the hang of handling them! They were just starting to warm up to me, too!

They might be slow, but they adhere doggedly to my instructions, and they have the stamina to withstand long procedures!

If this works out, they might even be able to help solve the nurse shortage that's been

That's just toxic workplace culture in the medical field! It's time to snap out of it, Mr. X-Hair!

Dammit! Don't do this, you moron! Stop! Stooop!

Stoooooop!

...I'm sorry?

Zombies? As in, those made by voodoo arts?

Ahh, I see. You mean the creatures that continue to move about and attack living things even after their death.

Yes, I do have some experience with them.

Ever since the A.D. era began, mages have referred to them as "the living dead."

... ...

I see.

...No, it's probably best if we leave them alone. I can understand Lord Asclepius's interest in them...

...but they have nothing to offer that can benefit the field of medicine.

Besides, it sounds like these are merely leftovers that can't actually exist in reality.

So don't worry. I'll handle them until this Singularity has been repaired.

Rest assured, I have plenty of experience when it comes to this sort of thing...