The Oni of the 70th Floor

Ahh, how good of you to come here. I thought you might never arrive.

I'm afraid I can't welcome you properly, given my position and all, but of course, that is but a mere formality.

Mhmm, mhmm... Verbal agreements, you know? No evidence, no documentation... Just our word of honor.

After all, is it documents that enable us to trust one another? Is it our job titles?

Of course not. It is the impressions we impart by virtue of the life we lead.

As such, in our case, there can be nothing BUT trust between us. At the very least, I can say with absolute confidence that I would trust you all with my life!

？！

Be careful, Senpai! Caesar still hasn't gotten to the details yet!

I may have only come to Chaldea recently, but I too know better than to trust this man blindly.

I have been warned about him! Many have told me that if I am not careful, he will eat me for breakfast!

No no, you've got me all wrong, my silver-haired maiden. They were merely warning you of my voracious appetite.

The phrase may be foreign to you, but I assure you it is quite common in the modern parlance!

Chaldea's food reserves only have so much to spare, you see, so I'm afraid big eaters like myself are often viewed with suspicion. It is sad, but a burden I must bear...

Oh, you poor man. Please, forgive my rudeness. It's not much, but I have some leftover rice balls if you like...

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It is!? Oh my, I didn't realize I had fallen for it...! Th-this is why I cannot trust those with silver tongues!

Now, now, I was just having a bit of fun. Let me be clear: what you see is what you get with me.

I understand you may find it odd that a Heroic Spirit so harmless as I is here guarding this upper floor...

...but I assure you there is no great significance in it.

Just look at my bright red coat. A Red Oni (ROMA Style), in the flesh!

Yes, the only reason I am here is because I accepted an offer of employment...

One that I did so readily, given that it aligned with my own interests.

...Interests?

Why, naturally...the fact that this entire tower belongs to me.

？！

Were you all granted permission to enter my property? You weren't, were you?

Then you are trespassing... Or, as they say in Master's country, you are breaking and entering.

And that, I am afraid, is a felony offense, the penalty for which is a hefty fine or a rather lengthy prison sentence.

High-powered attorney that I am, I would counsel you to pay the fine rather than submit to penal servitude.

Since you have been caught red-handed, I expect you to pay immediately, but I am nothing if not flexible. As such, I will accept payment in QP in lieu of cold hard cash.

I completely agree, Senpai. He's no attorney. This is just another one of his cons!

？！

Oh no, I am indeed an attorney. I even have the certificate to prove it. Take a look.

(That's just a Roman scroll sealed with a laurel wreath! It's obviously a forgery!)

And I am his beautiful wife-slash-high-powered-secretary!

When he said he'd show me how he could be the man of my dreams, I simply couldn't say no!

And of course, it really is turning out to be everything I'd dreamed and more!

Indeed. As you can see, everything is in place. Every high-powered attorney needs a beautiful secretary, after all.

And well, as for the most beautiful woman I know...does she even need an introduction?

Even I get bashful from time to time. Especially in front of the woman I love.

Ahh, he's even more handsome when he's bashful...!

Seeing my darling Caesar live and in the flesh like this... Ooh, I feel like I'm about to lose my mind!

I'm SO glad I asked Da Vinci to make this special contact lens spell that makes everyone I see look...much slimmer!

？！

Oh yeah, I DID make a spell like that, didn't I. It was such a transparent request that I completely forgot about it as soon as it was done.

Just a moment. Back on the ground, Shuten-Douji explicitly told us to climb up this tower.

Does that not mean we were, in fact, invited to these premises?

I, of course, have heard nothing of this! It would be one thing if you had evidence to support your claim, such as an audio recording, but of course

Um, I'm pretty sure I've got that audio archived right here...

Hah! As everyone knows, audio recordings are only hearsay, and so are not admissible. Phew. Bullet dodged.

Now, getting back to the law... Why did I await you here on an upper floor, rather than one of the lower ones?

Because this tower is akin to a high-rise apartment building, with each floor considered its own domicile.

In order to reach this seventieth floor, you must have broken into all of the other domiciles.

And as a high-powered attorney, I have, of course, drawn up contracts with all the other tenants allowing me to litigate on their behalf.

As you can see, I've even taken the liberty of preparing their damage reports ahead of time!

Which is to say, you must now render unto me a trespassing penalty fine for all seventy floors!

Hahaha! Had I waited for you on the tenth floor, I would not have collected a seventh of that fine!

How wonderfully crafty of you, my Caesar!

Just out of curiosity, why do you even need that much money? Not that this is anything new for you, admittedly.

A fair question. Essentially, I ran out of funds after one too many gourmet tours.

Additionally, I frequently encountered beautiful women with no one else to turn to, so I would buy them a house and enjoy a single night of romance with them.

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I agree. This man is clearly trying to talk us out of every valuable we possess.

That is the work of an oni if ever I saw one. We have no choice but to defeat him if we are to proceed.

What do you mean, work of an oni? The ethical concerns aside, his logic is ironclad!

If you mean to come at us with those scrawny twigs you call arms, then I shall face you myself!

By the way, Master, are you feeling all right? You look so much thinner since I last saw you. Have you been eating properly?

Whoops, looks like someone went and forgot the spell she cast on herself... Talk about being in denial.

I came! I saw! I was conquered!

Any attorney worth his salt knows when to litigate and when to settle! We shall meet again!

Aah, my slimming spell wore off! Curses! It must not have been able to withstand the pressure of my Pharaoh Fighting Style...!

But it's wonderful to see you looking so well-rounded too, my Caesar! I shall never stop yearning for your embrace!

Cleopatra. Since we have come all the way to Japan, let us partake of sushi! I particularly wish to try fatty tuna!

No one ever gained weight from eating too much fish, after all!

Indeed, it has long been my dream to gorge myself on the finest cuts of tuna as though they were popcorn!

I am afraid I must ask you to foot the bill. But worry not. I will be sure to pay you back. Somehow...

I know you will, my Caesar. I shall find a way to pay, even if I have to pawn my cobras!

Lord Caesar may be a crook, but it is nice to see a married couple so happy and harmonious together.

...Married couple...

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...No, I am fine. I was just thinking about a married couple I know myself.

Come, let us hurry on.

...By the way, Master. I am told that in this day and age, concubines have all but ceased to exist, even among the nobility.

Is that true? If so, does that not lead to much turmoil in modern society?

Wh-where did that come from!?

It is me, that it is!

Hi there. It's me, Teach. You've all been expecting me. You know you have.

But what else would you expect!?

Sometimes, no matter how predictable it may be or how much he may be hated for it, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!

Am I right, or am I right!? What do you say, my good men!?

...Let the planning for the perfect crime begin.

Hmm, I HAVE always been better at defending and protecting. I guess I should change things up now and then to keep it all fresh.

I have a feeling this will turn out to be a most exciting story indeed!

It has the potential to be a great tale of suspense, or a mystery, or a hunt for treasure...

I only hope it doesn't turn into a horror show.

I think that's up to us. If we try to hide somewhere, we'll be nervous about being caught, right?

So I say we walk right in there, bold as you please. It'll be much easier on our hearts that way. After that, only God knows what will happen next.

Man, this king's something else. I think he's actually serious with this plan. Probably 'cause he's totally sure he won't suffer any consequences for it.

Hmm. I get the sense there is a rather disturbing conversation taking place over there.

Personally, while I have no interest in peeping myself, I do have some understanding of how they feel...

...however, as one sworn to uphold order, it seems I have no choice but to accompany them, to ensure that they stay out of trouble. I swear, when large groups come together, they get up to no end of mischief...

Indeed. As Knights of the Round Table, we are honor bound to keep fair maidens safe. If you mean to go with them, Gawain, I shall come along too.

Hm, this will be a difficult mission indeed... In order to protect the maidens from Peeping Toms, we will have to enter their bathing area ourselves.

Though I, of course, have no ulterior motive in doing so, there are bound to be misunderstandings.

I speak in particular of Mash's icy cold shoulder. I do not know if I could bear it if she were to ignore me again...

So you speak of circumstantial mixed bathing... Very well, I too shall accompany you.

After all, I cannot let my fellow Round Table knights march heedlessly to their deaths.

How sad. If only you too could make use of my echolocation, it would be trivial to sneak from shadow to shadow without being caught... Ah, it's good to be me...

...!

Ahh, I can hear the voices of those who require my help. The time has come to bite my thumb and think!

That said, this is truly a pickle. It seems that women trouble is inevitable no matter which path we take.

My good looks are sure to lead to yet another romantic fate, regardless of whether the mission fails or succeeds.

Unless, of course, you would be willing to draw attention away from me again? You know, like how you made all eyes focused on me fall upon you instead that one time? Hehehe!

H-Huh? W-Well no, I, uh...

(This is bad!)

(I have to do something!)

(I cannot let the Knights of the Round Table... ...except for Tristan... I cannot let my king... ...be disgraced any further!)

...I say, it must be fate that brought us all here to these hot springs.

Why don't we take this chance to wash each other's backs and strengthen our bonds as fellow Round Table knights?

I suggest the same, my king.

Please, permit me to wash your back, so that I may demonstrate my endless gratitude and loyalty!

J-just a moment there, Sir Bedivere. We are about to

About to what, pray tellSwitch On! Oh, my apologies. That just slipped out.

...

...

That's right, Diarmuid. There is no reason you need to wash my back right this mo

With all due respect, my king, I'm afraid it MUST be this moment! I am overcome by my desire to wash your royal back right here and now!

Otherwise, I may find myself taking up Móralltach and Beagalltach instead of soap!

What a frightening prospect! Very well then, it seems I have no choice!

Haha, I must say, sitting around in a circle like this brings back memories of the Round Table, doesn't it?

...Well, putting aside that two of the Knights of Fianna are filling in, since there are only four of us here right now, that is.

I cannot say I recall a time in Camelot where the only thing I could see was the back of the person before me...

How sad... Indeed, I can think of no sight sadder than the back of a naked man...

(Hang on. Tristan has been behind me this whole time... He never stopped scrubbing me with both hands...)

(So where did that harp sound come from!?)

...Hm.

I just noticed that the other bathers have all left. Perhaps they went to undertake their missio

...I believe they were most likely near the source of that blast.

Though it seems some of them have been blown into the stratosphere.

At any rate, all we can do now is avert our eyes from this tragedy, and pray for the fallen heroes...