Section 1: Santa Claus Noir

A snowy field like this is no place for people to spend long periods of time.

How is your snowsuit working, Master?

？！

I'm afraid that's not good enough. Here, I want you to wear this ski mask, goggles, and hat as well.

You have your pocket warmers, yes? You'll also need some warm food...

And here's a scarf to keep your neck safe from the elements too.

？！

I can barely see you underneath all that snow gear now...

(I see this Servant is something of a worrywart...)

(But, that should make her a good fit for Fujimaru under these circumstances.)

Ahem.

Master, I'm picking up some Servant readings just ahead of your position.

They don't seem to be fighting right now. Why don't you see if they're willing to talk?

？！

？！

Hold it, Master. I can see a faint light over there.

It could be one of the Servants Mash picked up. Let's go investigate.

？！

... ...

... ...

Hey, Santa, do a trick or something. I'm getting bored outta my skull here.

Santa does not do tricks. Her job is to fly around with a jet engine throwing presents at good little boys and girls.

If a trick is what you desire, then amuse yourself.

What do you think he is? Can't you see how brilliant those flames are?

... ...

I hardly think lighting a candle qualifies as a brilliant flame.

Okay, I know this is filthy rich coming from me, but you treat him like shit. You know that, right?

？！

What do you want, Master? In fact, what're you even doing he

Well now, aren't you two an unhealthy looking couple.

...!

You should stop burning the lamp oilor the candle wicks, as the case may beand return to Chaldea at once.

...Yeah, I guess you're right.

Much as I'd love to do just that, I'm afraid there's just ooone little problem.

In that, we agree. I never expected you would also be a Santa, Nightingale.

What do you mean? I'm Florence Nightingale, not Santa Claus.

Yeah, don't care.

Now hand over those Santa Resources if you know what's good for you!

I need them to get even more Santa Power!

Santa!!!

Now I see.

First you call me Santa, and now you're spouting delusions about Santa Power... You're clearly suffering from derangement.

Fortunately, I have ampoules full of sedative right here with me.

But I will need your orders to help administer them, Master.

Seeing as they are all soldiers, I doubt I will be able to treat them without first subduing them in combat.

？！

Indeed, we are! Now, to battle!

Yeow! Ow ow ow ow! No more needles! They sting like crazy!

No, they don't. You only think they do.

You think I don't know my own pain receptors!?

Those sedatives are meant for soldiers. You felt nothing.

What do you think those soldiers are gonna feel when you pump them full of those things? A world of pain, that's what!

Hmm. I hadn't thought of it like that before.

...Well now.

It would seem the fog clouding your mind has cleared up considerably, Jeanne Claus.

Perhaps those ampoules contained just the medicine you needed after all.

I told you, you were sick.

？！

A fair question.

Very well then, allow me to explain while Little Miss Dragon Maiden continues crying over her shots.

Hey! I'm not crying! You're crying! Don't look at me, dumbass!

First, let me tell you where we are. This place is known as...

Santa Island.

Yes. Santa Island.

Santa Island...!?

Hehehe... Don't look at me. I had nothing to do with this!

Correct. Santa Island.

Hmm. Santa Island, Santa Island...

I've heard of an island called Santa Cruz, but I'm not seeing anything in the database about a Santa Island...

So what IS Santa Island?

All you need to understand is that it is an island of Santas, by Santas, and for Santas.

？！

To be perfectly blunt, the weeping dragon maiden there was brainwashed.

I was only here because I found her amusing to watch.

？！

Then, are all these fights to the death taking place here a result of this brainwashing?

No.

The term "brainwashing" may sound alarming, but its effects are minimal.

All it does...

...is make the brainwashee fervently believe that they must become Santa, or that they already are Santa.

Nothing more.

... ...

That, uh, sounds pretty bad to me...

I'll say.

Hell, I've already got a sisI mean, a Lily version of me running around as a Santa.

So why do I gotta get wrapped up in this Santa bullshit too!?

？！

How did things come to this in the first place?

I am afraid I do not know that either. I have forgotten everything I knew about that crucial aspect.

I don't remember a damn thing either. Actually, there might be one thing.

I think I remember meeting someone before this went down.

？！

How can I put this...?

Some insufferably bright, cheery sort. Kinda my opposite, really.

They also seemed like someone my whole bloodline has some really bad history with.

There was something about their very existence that made me want to just pinch their cheeks and keep twisting them farther than they should go...

So yeah, someone like that.

？！

Well, that's all the hints you're getting from me. Ugh, this sucks.

I'm freaking exhausted.

(Nodding wordlessly)

Well? Aren't you gonna offer to let me rest my head in your lap?

... ...

And I should care what happens to your legs because...?

Why're you looking at me like that? Just hurry up and let me lie down already!

？！

Really??? Those are the only hints I've got, you know?

Anyway, whoever the bastard is that brainwashed me, just point me in their direction, so I can roast their ass.

Um, Jeanne Alter?

There are no hostile entities nearby, so I don't think you need to be that close to Master...

What was that?

Who cares? It's not like I'm gonna eat him alive or something.

You aren't?

Of course not! The hell do you think I am!?

A man-eater.

Ugh, do you ever freakin' shut up!?

This is exactly what I hate about Santas! They all suck!

Absolutely.

Oh?

Wait, what?

Indeed, I couldn't agree more.

Sneaking into houses in the dead of night and giving children so-called candy in the form of sugary lumps?

By increasing tooth decay, he's doing the devil's own work.

Uh, yeah, that's not what I'm talking about.

I mean, come on, you're technically a Santa yourself now, right?

Huh?

You think I'm Santa Claus?

You know, Master told me something similar, but I just don't see it. What makes you think I'm Santa?

I'm just a nurse making house calls in a slightly reddish outfit.

Oh yeah? Then what about those Christmasy bells on your nursing kit?

Oh... When did those get there? I didn't even notice.

My point is, if they're there now, there's gotta be a reason for it.

Regardless, whether you accept the truth about your Santa status or not...

...Santa Island is still overrun with Servants who all claim to be the one true Santa.

So as long as you have those Santaesque bells, you are going to end up a target.

Oh? Well, if Santa Claus wants to stop giving children cavities in order to come after me...

...I would be more than happy to face him and bring him to account for his crimes.

？！

What are we going to do about this, Master?

I'm not sure how we can get on the same page about Santa Claus when her conception of him is so different from ours...

For now, I don't want to do anything that might demotivate her if we don't have to, so let's see how this plays out.

Okay, I've figured out where the next group of Servants is.

It looks like they're already fighting, so you'd better hurry if you want to stop them.

？！

Very well.

I'm glad to see we both wish to see a swift end to meaningless conflict. Nightingale, away!

Waugh!

Hmph, she nearly bowled us over. Although, there is something off about her...

I have no doubt that she's got Santa Claus traits... but it feels like she is still missing something.

Like what?

If I knew what it was, I would have already said so. Hmm... This bears further observation.

Come, Llamrei Mark II! After them!

... ...

Hey, what about me!? Don't leave me behind, dammit!

... ...

Huh? What's with the thumb?

...You want me to get on your elephant!?

... ...

Hell yeah! That sounds awesome! C'mon, let's go already!

Yeow! Ow ow ow ow! No more needles! They sting like crazy!

No, they don't. You only think they do.

You think I don't know my own pain receptors!?

Those sedatives are meant for soldiers. You felt nothing.

What do you think those soldiers are gonna feel when you pump them full of those things? A world of pain, that's what!

Hmm. I hadn't thought of it like that before.

...Well now.

It would seem the fog clouding your mind has cleared up considerably, Jeanne Claus.

Perhaps those ampoules contained just the medicine you needed after all.

I told you, you were sick.

？！

A fair question.

Very well then, allow me to explain while Little Miss Dragon Maiden continues crying over her shots.

Hey! I'm not crying! You're crying! Don't look at me, dumbass!

First, let me tell you where we are. This place is known as...

Santa Island.

Yes. Santa Island.

Santa Island...!?

Hehehe... Don't look at me. I had nothing to do with this!

Correct. Santa Island.

Welp, looks like it's time for my headache and ulcer medicine.

Hello, Paracelsus? This is the Command Room. Could you bring me the usual? Much obliged.

You've really gotten used to life around here, haven't you, Gordy?

Of course I haven't. Why do you think I need the medicine!?

Dammit, I didn't want to have to ask this, but will someone tell me what in the world Santa Island is already!?

All you need to understand is that it is an island of Santas, by Santas, and for Santas.

？！

To be perfectly blunt, the weeping dragon maiden there was brainwashed.

I was only here because I found her amusing to watch.

？！

Then, are all these fights to the death taking place here a result of this brainwashing?

No.

The term "brainwashing" may sound alarming, but its effects are minimal.

All it does...

...is make the brainwashee fervently believe that they must become Santa, or that they already are Santa.

Nothing more.

... ...

That, uh, sounds pretty bad to me...

I'll say.

Hell, I've already got a sisI mean, a Lily version of me running around as a Santa.

So why do I gotta get wrapped up in this Santa bullshit too!?

？！

How did things come to this in the first place?

I am afraid I do not know that either. I have forgotten everything I knew about that crucial aspect.

I don't remember a damn thing either. Actually, there might be one thing.

I think I remember meeting someone before this went down.

？！

How can I put this...?

Some insufferably bright, cheery sort. Kinda my opposite, really.

They also seemed like someone my whole bloodline has some really bad history with.

There was something about their very existence that made me want to just pinch their cheeks and keep twisting them farther than they should go...

So yeah, someone like that.

？！

Well, that's all the hints you're getting from me. Ugh, this sucks.

I'm freaking exhausted.

(Nodding wordlessly)

Well? Aren't you gonna offer to let me rest my head in your lap?

... ...

And I should care what happens to your legs because...?

Why're you looking at me like that? Just hurry up and let me lie down already!

？！

Really??? Those are the only hints I've got, you know?

Anyway, whoever the bastard is that brainwashed me, just point me in their direction, so I can roast their ass.

Um, Jeanne Alter?

There are no hostile entities nearby, so I don't think you need to be that close to Master...

What was that?

Who cares? It's not like I'm gonna eat him alive or something.

You aren't?

Of course not! The hell do you think I am!?

A man-eater.

Ugh, do you ever freakin' shut up!?

This is exactly what I hate about Santas! They all suck!

Absolutely.

Oh?

Wait, what?

Indeed, I couldn't agree more.

Sneaking into houses in the dead of night and giving children so-called candy in the form of sugary lumps?

By increasing tooth decay, he's doing the devil's own work.

Uh, yeah, that's not what I'm talking about.

I mean, come on, you're technically a Santa yourself now, right?

Huh?

You think I'm Santa Claus?

You know, Master told me something similar, but I just don't see it. What makes you think I'm Santa?

I'm just a nurse making house calls in a slightly reddish outfit.

Oh yeah? Then what about those Christmasy bells on your nursing kit?

Oh... When did those get there? I didn't even notice.

My point is, if they're there now, there's gotta be a reason for it.

Regardless, whether you accept the truth about your Santa status or not...

...Santa Island is still overrun with Servants who all claim to be the one true Santa.

So as long as you have those Santaesque bells, you are going to end up a target.

Oh? Well, if Santa Claus wants to stop giving children cavities in order to come after me...

...I would be more than happy to face him and bring him to account for his crimes.

？！

What are we going to do about this, Master?

I'm not sure how we can get on the same page about Santa Claus when her conception of him is so different from ours...

And if we play our cards poorly, we could end up dramatically demotivating her.

Why don't we wait and see how this plays out for the time being? (Besides, I'd hate to lose one of the few Servants who takes their duties seriously.)

Good point. If we messed this up, Gordy'd be the first in line to be the next Santa.

Nothing!

The only thing I could even give out for the holidays is handmade stollen fruit bread!

Oh wow, I didn't know you made stollen.

Well of course. It's a German Christmas tradition, after all.

What!? No! Forget it! If you want a gift from Santa that badly, you can go to Helsinki International Airport and buy one yourself!

Personally, I don't believe you can go wrong with anything from the Mooomiiin shop.

Once those delightful trolls grab hold of your heart, they'll never let it go.

？！

Okay, I've figured out where the next group of Servants is.

It looks like they're already fighting, so you'd better hurry if you want to stop them.

？！

Very well.

I'm glad to see we both wish to see a swift end to meaningless conflict. Nightingale, away!

Waugh!

Hmph, she nearly bowled us over. Although, there is something off about her...

I have no doubt that she's got Santa Claus traits... but it feels like she is still missing something.

Like what?

If I knew what it was, I would have already said so. Hmm... This bears further observation.

Come, Llamrei Mark II! After them!

... ...

Hey, what about me!? Don't leave me behind, dammit!

... ...

Huh? What's with the thumb?

...You want me to get on your elephant!?

... ...

Hell yeah! That sounds awesome! C'mon, let's go already!