Prologue

Oho, snake eyes. Then I'll buy this space...and take another turn.

Hehehe. This is kind of nice, isn't it?

Sitting in your secret hideout, a glass of whiskey in hand, a board game on the table...

Now this is a proper grown-up day off.

Heh. No need to be so formal. This is a quiet space of healing, free from the noise and distraction of the outside world.

I simply didn't think it was right to keep such tranquility all to myself, that's all.

There you go. That's exactly right. I can't do this here because then this place won't be secret anymore...

...but when you try this yourself, I recommend playing music from a record. I feel it has a wholly different timbre from digital music.

...Anyway, this sort of grown-up time is all well and good...

...but I was getting a bit tired of spending it all on my own.

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No matter how suavely I clink the ice in my tumbler and smile to myself, thinking, "Heh, nailed it"...

...there are neither homunculi servants nor my Chaldean subordinates around to appreciate it.

A little friction keeps life interesting. And one of a director's duties is bonding with younger subordinates who still have a bit of growing up to do.

Plus, I also need to evaluate how you've been handling your regular duties.

All of that is to say, relax and enjoy yourselves! If you're hungry, I'll even whip up a little snack!

Fujimaru I can understand, but I don't see how I could possibly be doing a satisfactory job...

Not that I'm in any position to turn down a request from the director, though.

Dammit, this is your property, Fujimaru. I really don't have any money to spare right now.

Heh, we'll see about that. I still have plenty of chances to make a comeback.

...On another note, I had no idea there was anywhere like this on the Border.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't on any of the floor plans I saw, and I never heard anyone mention it before, either.

Same. I'm pretty sure it wasn't on any of the floor plans I saw.

？！

Hehehe. I just happened to find it in the space between facilities one day. I've come to think of it as my own personal garret.

There may only be room for a small table and a handful of chairs, but the place being so small has its benefits too.

I used my directorly power to claim this place as my own private, hidden base. In secret, obviously.

At times, a man wishes to simply curl up with a blanket in the corner of a room without needing to worry about being disturbed.

(They do?)

I can tell what you're thinking, Zemlupus! And yes, they do!

Needless to say, I have not reported this room to the technical advisor or any of the other staff. I intend to keep it that way!

If word of this relaxing refuge got out, it would only be a matter of time before the shut-in monster princess...

...and the elephant-headed god barged in and turned it into their own personal gaming cave.

But you two are, well... As humanity's finalno, I shouldn't say that.

What I'm trying to say is, you two are an exception. I invited you because you're the Masters of Chaldea.

So let's keep the existence of this place strictly between ourselves. Remember, this is our secret!

... ...

I mean, of course we're not gonna go around telling people after you explicitly asked us not to, but...

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Hm? (Sitting up, still in his sleeping bag)

What!? You mean there was already someone camping out here like they own the place!?

Oh, morning, Goredolf. I still have to thank you for that meal.

That dish you left out on the table last night was delicious. You always use top-notch ingredients.

Oh, don't mind me. I won't get in your way.

Board games are best enjoyed with bosom buddies. Friendship is the perfect spice for competition.

？！

Hm? Were you not listening to me?

You're playing something like that life simulation game, right?

As much as I enjoy human lives for the sheer spectacle, as a fairy, I just don't understand what's supposed to be fun about a fake one.

So, thanks for the invitation, but I'm afraid I'll have to decline.

I'd feel bad coming in halfway, or worse about forcing you to start all over just for me.

So if you don't mind, I'll just go back to sleep, as I'd planned. Why, you ask?

Because everyone knows the only thing that can wake a prince is a kiss from a princess! Now then... Good night!

Well, that happened...

Hmm... Well, I suppose the Fairy King isn't the type to blab.

So if he just wants to use this place to nap, I guess that would be all right...

？！

Indeed. Anyway, it's your turn now, Fujimaru.

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Hm? What's that card you've got, Fujimaru?

That's not part of this game. Did you get your staff ID mixed in with the game pieces?

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Yeah... I'm not sure what, but something's off. Be careful!

Wh-wh-wh-what the...!?

Teehee. Teeheehee...

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Dammit... What the hell's going on?

... ...

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I think so, at least physically. Mentally... I'm not sure.

I put up as many mental defense spells as I could think of on such short notice, but I don't know if they did anything.

How about you, Director? What did you

... ...!

Damn, I guess he reacted too late.

I'll check him over. You be ready to contain him in case he goes berserk or something.

Having a mind-controlled colleague kill me by surprise is pretty much the last way I want to go.

A-ahhhh...

Damn, it looks worse than I thought. Be ready for anything, Fujimaru.

(If Beryl was here, he'd probably just kill him to be on the safe side.)

N-n-n-not that! B... Be... Be-be-be-be!

？！

Hive?

No, not that! I'm not talking about insects or their dwellings!

Behind you! Behind you! Look behind you, dammit!

It's a g-g-g-giant!

A much, MUCH bigger one than the kind we saw in the Scandinavian Lostbelt, too!

Teeheehee.

？！

No way... Is it trying to smoosh us with its fingers!?

R-ruuun!

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Why're you stopping!? Get moving before Aaaaaah!

Yikes! A sheer cliff! I can't even see the bottom!

How the hell did we end up here!? Where even IS here!?

Dammit, then we'll go this way! Maybe it'll be

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Nooo! Whyyy!?

What about this way!?

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

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Teeheehee.

Have you finally figured it out?

For those of you who haven't yet, try calming down and taking a look around.

I think you'll figure out where you are pretty soon.

Calm down and...take a look around...?

Wh-Whaaaaaa...!?

No way...!

？！

Teehee. So, you finally noticed, Master.

Oh, but maybe I should call you something else now? That might help clarify your current position.

In that case...

Welcome to my insect space.

How does it feel knowing you could be squashed with just the press of a finger, little bugs?

That's me☆ The adorable, beautiful Kazura!

The shiny new hope, brought here by a strange and mysterious bond...one of the Sakura Five...and the Alter Ego of Compassion!

Yes, yes. We know all that. What we're wondering is...how in the world did you get so big!?

The size of you is enough to make one instinctively fear for one's life!

Wonderful as that instinct is, I do need to set you straight about one thing.

I'm not big. You're tiny. Bug-sized.

That's what my insect space does.

...Oookay. Still no clue how it works, but I get that you're responsible.

Why, though? What did you hope to achieve by making us tiny?

Teeheehee. Well, before I get into that...

...let me smoke out the devious little bug who was so quick to hide, even though I didn't expect him to be here.

Huh!? How did you see through my amazing camouflage!?

Dammit, you burned up the special straw raincoat I made with autumn wood leaves! What a tragedy! What a fix!

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No, wait. This is all a dream, right? I was sleeping, so it must be. Right, don't mind me then.

The hell I won't! Take those sunglasses off right now! They're ticking me off!

Eesh, what a violent little girl. ...Who looks nothing like one, now that I look at you.

Well, I can understand why you'd be upset.

You go to all this trouble to set an elaborate trap, only for someone you didn't expectthat'll be meto wander in.

But it's not my fault I'm here. It's that Master's. If you want me gone, take it up with him.

He's the one who grabbed the edge of my sleeping bag and dragged me here with him.

？！

Oh, nothing to worry about. I'm just explaining what happened.

For the moment, let's worry about the faerie towering over us. Not too much, though. I'll figure something out. Always do.

(So he's claiming he ended up here by mistake? My definition should have been too precise to allow for that.)

(I'd better keep an eye on this Servant...)

O-okay! I still haven't the faintest idea what's going on here...

...but as long as we have you, Fairy King Oberon, maybe things'll work out!

You're one of Fujimaru's Servants, and Kazuradrop there is a Servant herself, so we should be on equal ground.

You may not be a fighter, but you should still be able to make something happen in a one-on-one fight!

Me, fight HER!? Don't be ridiculous! May as well ask me to knock over a castle on my own.

Listen. This is obviously a fairy-tale world we're in. The usual rules don't apply here.

In the world of fairies, this place would be called a fae domain. In human magecraft terms, you'd probably call it a Reality Marble.

As far as I can tell, this world is perfect. Nobody can defeat her here. Nobody.

Isn't that right, Kazuradrop? Or would "Murian" be more appropriate?

... ...

Yes, as a High Servant, Murian the faerie is one of the parts I'm made from, but she isn't me.

So don't act like we know each other. You and I are nothing alike. We're certainly not friends.

Phew, that's a relief. To tell the truth, I actually owe Murian some money.

So you just being a Servant who happens to look like her is the best news I've had all day.

So much so, I don't even care that I've been caught up in whatever your little game here is.

(...I don't like this. How can he be so calm?)

(Usually, when people are shrunk like this, they either panic or beg for their lives. But he almost seems...used to this?)

...Well, no matter.

It's unfortunate that an insect who WASN'T part of my plans got mixed up in this...

...but I can't afford to redo the whole thing now.

Besides, I doubt you'll be able to affect anything with those frail, flimsy wings of yours anyway.

So it's fine. I'll just keep going as planned.

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Teeheehee. Now we get to the fun part.

You see, I may have come to Chaldea as a Servant...

...but that doesn't mean I've accepted you as my Master yet.

If you're going to command me, the wise, adorable, and delicate Kazura...

...then you'll need to prove you're the perfect papaa guardian I can genuinely respect and depend on.

So!

Let's get the board set up, and I'll warp you right to the starting point! Nyoom!

Waaah!

Are you sure this is warping!? Because it seems like you're just carrying us there!

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Good job, everyone. You're here now. Please, take a look around.

Wh-what the...!?

I don't understand. We're still tiny, but...

...am I really looking at a gate made out of shoe cream and high heels?

You sure are! You see, I've decided to use my insect space to hold what I'm calling the "Perfect Father Grand Prix"!

It's a death game where you'll all compete to qualify as a wonderful, fabulous father figure who's always right.

Oh, and there's no leaving my insect space unless you beat the game, so good luck☆

For this insect space, I put together a sugorokua board game based on a typical family home.

It's just the kind of thing I like, you see.

And the track you see winding through it will be your Father Raceway.

Now, while I'll always be here playing the game and watching it unfold...

...I'm sure me looming over you all the time would be quite a distraction for you little game pieces...

...so I painted a backdrop of the sky to use as a set.

Oh, by the way, I'm just calling it a race for fun. You won't actually be competing with the other players.

In fact, all three of you need to work together to reach the goal.

As long as you can pass through each checkpoint and reach the final goal, you'll be fine.

However, there will also be a "Father Check" at each checkpoint you pass through to determine if you're worthy of being a perfect father.

You will earn points based on the results of those checks...

...and if you have enough points for a passing score by the time you reach the goal, you'll win!

If you manage to get certified as a perfect father, I'm sure I'll be more than happy to properly join Chaldea.

Then this insect space will be undone and you'll all return to your regular sizes.

That about covers it. Now do you understand?

I-I believe so. At least, on a surface level. But I still don't feel as though I truly grasp what's going on here...

Me neither, but the fact of the matter is, Kazuradrop pretty much holds our lives in her hands.

Well, now we know how to get out of here, so I guess we can call that progress.

That's true. Assuming she's telling the truth, at least.

Hmph. Of course I am. I'm not a liar, unlike you.

You and I haven't met so much as once, but something just tells me you're a natural-born liar.

Oh, is that a bit of sympathy I'm detecting, and at our very first meeting? I don't tend to think of lies as lies.

But you... Hmm. I'd say you're the type who can't even tell when you're lying to yourself.

Teehee. Oh, the things you say, insect!

But if incessant chirping is what I wanted to hear, I've got crickets at home. So watch what you say, or I'll squish you like the bug you are!

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That's...a little complicated.

As much as I hate to admit it, I can't deny that my Alter Ego roots come from BB.

So if she's basically my mother, then the way I see it, my father...

...would be humanity, since it created AI, the pinnacle of technology.

That's all there is to it. No deeper meaning to be found there.

So during this game, just think of what you would do if you WERE a father and give it your best shot.

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Don't think about it too hard.

As much as I hate to admit it, I can't deny that my Alter Ego roots come from BB.

So if she's basically my mother, then the way I see it, my father...

...would be humanity, since it created AI, the pinnacle of technology.

That's all there is to it. No deeper meaning to be found there.

So just think of what you would do if you WERE a perfect father and give it your best shot.

Actually, to tell the truth, I don't feel old enough to be a father, either.

But, no matter. If we're racing, my driving skills are sure to win the day.

You said to make it back to Chaldea, we need to pass through the checkpoints and reach the goal, yes?

Then our only choice is to drive there. And you can leave all the driving to me!

Hehehe, to think that my driving technique would save the world yet again...

...We WILL have cars, yes? When you said "race," you didn't mean "footrace," right?

Of course. This is the car you'll be using.

Oho. So this is it.

I've never seen a car quite like this before. It seems like something out of a fairy tale. You know, if fairies drove.

Well, I suppose this should suffice. Tell me, where's the gas tank?

There isn't one. That's a special car made just for carrying you around the game board.

Instead of gas or electricity, it runs on your magical energy.

Sheesh. I guess anything goes here.

But, hang on. It looks like there's a place to fill it up right here. So how in the world does it

... ...

Dice?

That's right. This is a board game, you'll recall.

That car can move about freely on its own to some extent, but some areas will be restricted until you've progressed far enough.

To reach the next space, you'll need to drive the car around and do various things to acclimate it to your magical energy.

That will accumulate resources which you can then use to roll the dice...

...and I'll move your car in accordance with the number you rolled.

Nnn. It seems like I'd be better off not thinking about all this too hard.

That's right. No one looks to fairy tales for logic. Anything goes. That's why they're so widely adored.

So I'd set aside any notions based on real-world logic while we're here.

That being said, it's not like we won't be thinking anything at all. What're those things over there, Kadoc?

There's a map and pen on the dashboard. I'm guessing we're supposed to use these to navigate.

Very well then, I'm trusting you two to be my navigators.

Understood.

But I can drive too, so let me know if you need someone to take over.

Oh? Good. That could certainly be helpful.

One more thing. That card I gave you at the beginning is directly linked to the game's systems.

It'll serve as both your point tally card and your license for the race, so be careful not to lose it.

(Ah, so that'll be the anchor. If only I'd noticed it sooner...)

(Oh well, nothing I can do about that now! Might as well enjoy myself since I'm here!)

Okay then, please get in the car once you're all mentally ready to get started.

I can't say I'm any more mentally ready now than I was before...

...but there comes a time in every man's life when he must take the steer...ing wheel by the horns, so to speak.

In that sense, this is just like what we did in the Indian Lostbelt.

All right. Get on, Fujimaru, Kadoc, Oberon!

Let's finish this silly father race and get back to Chaldea as quickly as we can!

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We don't end up on the front line together often, Fujimaru.

I get the feeling we're actually in real danger, despite how whimsical this place seems...

...but I'll do the best I can at whatever I can.

As will I.

Ugh, I'd never live it down if word got out that Fairy King Oberon ran from a fairy tale.

That said, this is happening on very short notice, so my magical energy might only last until we reach the forest's exit...

But, we can cross that bridge when we come to it! In the meantime, let's go see what kind of race we're in for!

Okay then! Let the Perfect Father Grand Prix board game, sponsored by yours truly...

...begin!