The Oni of the 80th Floor

There you are. Right on time.

Lord Emiya. Not you too... Why are you here?

Why? You want to know why...?

I just heard a strange gurgling sound! Are you okay, Senpai!?

？！

...Hmm, it looks like you've already been force-fed someone's lies. But that's neither here nor there.

For my part, I have no objections to this latest mission. I'll carry it out quickly and quietly, just as planned.

Let's start by having everyone introduce themselves. Keep it brief.

You want white rice? I've got you covered. Just look how perfectly this batch came out!

Thanks, but I only know how to do home cooking, so I'm not sure how well my food will go with rice. Sorry about that.

I don't see a problem. The more kinds of food we have to choose from, the better.

Who knows? We might even discover a delicious new combination.

Anyway, here's the biryani, sambal, and tandoori chicken you asked me to prepare, Archer.

Of course, I also have Japanese curry. Which do you prefer?

...Indian curry sounds intriguing, but given the occasion, I think I'll go with the mild Japanese one.

...I'm just here for dessert.

Oh, I don't care for meat at all, so please, feel free to enjoy that amongst yourselves.

All the nutrients I need come from my Cosmo rations. I'm only in this for the dessert.

Got it. Then how about some of these sesame dumplings I just finished frying up?

Major danger detected. These dumplings must be tasteer, dealt with immediately, before they explode. Trust me. I'm a professional.

...This is quite an assortment of delicious-looking food.

But I'm afraid we do not have time for distractions right now. We must hurry on.

...I knew it. So you're just going to leave?

That's right. There is nothing we need to do here.

...

？！

I think you might have the wrong idea. Let's make sure we're all on the same page first.

We're here to throw you a welcome party. Shuten-Douji asked us to put it together.

D-did you say a welcome party? For me!?

That's right. I accepted her request 'cause it didn't look like she had any ulterior motives.

I'm guessing that's true for all the other Servants you've met along the way too.

With the exception of the scam artist and the poor sap following him around...

...I'm pretty sure everyone in this towerhell, even the tower itselfwanted you to have a good time and make your stay here a memorable one.

...

But, then... Why would those oni go to all the trouble of making a tower THIS enormous...?

Sorry, I can't speak to that. No one is ever really sure what Shuten-Douji is thinking.

She's always played her cards pretty close to the chest.

But, at least this time, her request was clear and convincing.

You're a Heroic Spirit from Japan. The idea of looking over your old homeland from an unbeatable view, all while enjoying gourmet food...

Well, it sounded like a pretty perfect welcome party to me.

...I did notice that the guards we've encountered have demonstrated neither animosity toward me nor any particular loyalty toward Shuten-Douji.

I believe each of them agreed to help her for their own reasons.

However...

Despite my young age, I have the honor of being entrusted with the role of general, and the task of dismantling this tower before it can transform into a Singularity.

Right now, completing that task is my highest priority. How I do so, and how I feel about it, are secondary at best.

I cannot stop here. I must continue on to the top floor and face the oni behind this, Shuten-Douji...

Everything else is merely secondary.

You really take your job seriously, huh. I'll admit that this is a pretty rough way to throw a party.

Personally, since I know exactly what Shuten's goal is, I'm not at all worried about it turning into a Singularity.

Once this is all done, I'm pretty sure she'll get rid of the tower on her own.

That said, I guess it was inevitable...

...that you'd need to see her for yourself to find out if she's serious about this or not.

...! Emiya just took up his weapons...!

？！

You bet we do. All this time and effort we put into cooking for you, and you're just going to walk away without trying it? I don't think so.

I agree. Rice balls may still be good when they're cold, but man cannot subsist on cold rice alone.

Surely you must admit that there is nothing better than hot rice paired with hot side dishes.

I mean, most food is best when it's been freshly made, right?

We even made sure to account for the time it would take you to get here, to ensure it'd be done just as you arrived.

Oh, but that doesn't mean you HAVE to stay and eat it, of course. Kids always do want to run off and play without knowing how much work went into the food on their table.

Or to fill up on snacks to the point where they're not even hungry for dinner, like Ex here.

(Huff, puff) (Munch, munch)

The sugar has reached my Altereactor, but as I suspected, sesame dumplings are not true Japanese sweets, even if they are made with sweet bean paste.

No more appetizers. Give me all the sweetest sweets you have. I'll make them my five-course meal of cola, cream pastries, cake, ice cream, and churros.

As you can see, we've all put our hearts and souls into cooking. Not to mention wasting food goes against everything I stand for.

If you insist on turning your back on this feast we've made for you...then you'd better be prepared to fight your way past us!

Okay, okay, you win. I guess this is why people invented Tupperware.

I bet there are plenty of Servants at the hot springs who'll help ensure all this food doesn't go to waste.

Guess we'll start with the dishes that spoil easily, and see where it goes from there...

...I am so sorry. But I promise you that once my task has been fulfilled...

...I know. Don't worry about it. I may hate wasting food, but I still enjoy cooking. I'm happy to do it again.

The next welcome party might end up being at Chaldea's dining hall, but I'll still be there to whip you up something good.

Thank you. I cannot wait to try it.

？！

What I said to Lord Emiya earlier remains true, Master.

Our objective is to eradicate this tower, regardless of why it was built.

As such, we must make our way to the top floor as soon as possible.

？！

I almost let my guard down for a moment...but I am well aware that I must not let that slow me down.

Especially now, as I have a premonition.

？！

Yes. Now that we have passed the eightieth floor, I feel the time is fast approaching...

...when we shall come face-to-face with one of the oni behind this.

Ahhhhhh, this is the life! I betcha not even the queen herself ever got to experience the luxury of a cold drink in a hot outdoor bath!

You said it! We may be expert pirates, but we still didn't know the first thing about bathing.

The crew and us used to drink enough booze to fill several bathtubs every day right before jumping into the ocean. You know, not everyone made it back up, huh?

Are you serious? Don't tell me you two actually dislike taking baths?

I can't believe it. You don't know what you're missing. But then again, I guess it WOULD be pretty tough to take regular baths on the open sea.

Still, trust me, baths are the best. They feel great, they make you look great, and if you end up getting down and dirty in one, you're in the perfect place to wash up!

I know what you mean! It's SO much easier to cover up evidence in a bath. Though you still have to watch out for those luminol reactions!

Of course, there are ways around that too if you know what you're... Aw, I'm all out of booze.

Oh, wait. Spoke too soon! Man, talk about service. They've even got three different kinds to choose from!

Now let's see... Eeny, meeny, miney mo, catch an emperor by the toe...

Oh, please throw that "Mystery Substance" thing away, if you don't mind. I'd rather not deal with anyone too irritating if we don't have to.

Say, for example, a Saber assassin who tries to push me aside and pretends to be my partner!

AND ANOTHER THING! How come I never get to show up!? You know, Okita and Heroic Swordmasters go together like peas and carrots!?

Phew. I guess it makes sense that hot springs would be a lot hotter than the waters of the Nile, huh...

I think I'll get out now. See you later.

Very well. Until we meet again...

Ahh, it's a LOT quieter here than it is over there.

Indeed... I cannot say I approve of drinking too much in the bath. That could very well lead to death...

O...kaaay, so instead of drinking, how about you tell me a story?

You ARE a storyteller, right?

...Very well then, Your Majesty. Presumptuous though it may be of me, I will tell you a tale...

...The end.

Oh, wow! Thank you! That was so great!

...

...?

So we've got a hot spring with super rejuvenation powers that can heal your body, soul, and mind, AND riveting stories to boot. You know what this means?

It means we can make ALL OF THE MONEY!

!?

Just imagine, a huge theme park built around soothing waters and exciting stories! And with the profits, it won't be long before I can expand into Chaldea itself...!

So what do you say, partner? All you have to do is sign right here on this dotted line, and you and I are in business!

Er, I-I, I'm sorry, but...

What are you doing!? It's been ages since I got out, and you're still here?

This is way too long for a bath. Are you just trying to get out of combat duty?

Look, I know you're scared to fight, but you can't stay in here forever.

Besides, no matter how good hot springs may be for you, staying in them for too long has got to be

Indeed, staying in hot water for too long can be deadly. I'm well aware. It's dangerous. One must be vigilant for signs of changes in blood pressure, dehydration, and no doubt other symptoms as well.

Thank you for fetching me, Nitocris. Let us be on our way. We must return to the front line. Immediately.

Y-you're actually fired up for once!?

(If I stay here any longer...I will almost certainly find myself dying of exploitative work conditions...)

Waaait! Okay, so you MIGHT end up putting in excessively long hours, but I'll make sure you get paid overtiiime!