Section 3: The Second Treasure and the Red and Blue Doors

... ...

Da Vinci? Is something wrong?

You were asleep. Were you dreaming or something?

...Oh, no, I wasn't...I don't think.

Hmm. WAS that a dream?

？！

Were you having a good dream or something?

I'm not sure...

Hmm. I'm sorry. My brain's still a little foggy, so I don't really remember.

Oh well, no biggie. Come on, let's go! We've got another big day ahead of us!

Scrambled eggs, beans, crispy bacon, salad, and freshly toasted bread.

That...is today's breakfast.

An English breakfast! That sounds great!

Hehe... You really know your way around a kitchen, don't you, Chef?

I'll have white rice, pickled veggies, and a well-done dried fish.

No.

Phooey.

It all looks delicious!

I like rice too, but I can tell I'm also going to love this bacon toast!

I'm just glad you woke up on the right side of the cot this morning.

？！

Fine. But not for the bacon.

Not when the little fur ball has been eyeing mine ever since he got here!

I need to keep a close eye on it, or I'll have to have a baconless breakfast!

Fou fom...

That aside, it's nice to have all of us eating together like this.

Hehe, it reminds me of how my siblings and I could never sit still whenever we had breakfast.

I grew up in an abbey, so of course, breakfasts were a little quieter there.

But I guess we had our share of noisy moments as well.

Hey, loud, quiet, whatever! Nothing beats eating your meals in a big group! Right, Mandricardo!?

Uh, yeah, right.

(He's full of it, but I should probably just keep my mouth shut here.)

Um... How about you, Master?

？！

I agree completely. ...Oh.

Would you like one of these potatoes, Senpai?

？！

Here you go! Hehe, that was kind of embarrassing, huh?

Hmmm.

Aha!

(Get ready to run, Achilles. You're not gonna want to miss this show.)

(Gotcha. ...I hope treating this like a show isn't a bad idea.)

(What? What is it!?)

Master, would you like some toast? Say "ahhh."

Master, Master! Here! This is for you!

Here, Senpai, why don't you have some of this, too?

？！

...What in the world were you thinking?

？！

Oh, all right. You're lucky I never go anywhere without my trusty antacids. ...Why, you ask? Grace, my boy, grace.

(Nodding heartily in assent)

You think so?

That's just how it is.

Believe it or not, I used to eat a lot of meals by myself, too.

You know, it's odd.

Why did the guys I used to eat with stop joining me for meals? I only shot at them occasionally.

？！

You think?

Definitely.

I swear, this is the whole problem with you Chaotic-Evil types...

Well, personally, I'm all for having meals by yourself.

I'd much rather eat at my own pace with a book in one hand...

...than have to try and think up stuff to talk about only to fail awkwardly.

？！

... ...

Now that you mention it, we have, haven't we...?

How about you, Uncle Goredolf? D'you prefer to eat alone, too?

Y-yes, I do. (Uncle?)

Mages need to eat just as much as anyone, but that's also when we're at our most vulnerable.

Of course, as a member of the nobility, there are times when you have to share a table with others...

But those are battlefields as much as meals.

Suffice to say, single mages eat alone most of the time. Everyone knows that. I think.

Gosh, really? I had no idea!

That's why I took up cooking. I decided if I had to eat anyway, I'd much rather make it an enjoyable experience.

Man, everyone's got their own story, don't they?

Come to think of it, what about your homunculi? Is there a reason they didn't cook for you?

I tried ordering them to make me something. Once.

They grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and said, "You cook, we help."

Thinking back on it now...that can't have been a normal employer-employee relationship.

Yikes.

？！

Truth. And on that note: seconds, please!

Yes, yes, coming right up. Just make sure you don't have too much. It'll slow you down when you go exploring.

...Are you sure you're not a father?

Yes, I'm sure!

If you're not a father...does that mean you're a mother?

I like that. Goredolf, group mom. All you need now is an apron.

I know I'm a sword, not a human, but last I checked, that's not how parenting works.

Also, why would he need an apron?

I don't! Besides, I already have one!

All righty then.

I think now's a good time to look at the map.

So, this is what've we got...

Has anyone else ever seen this map before?

Hmm, I dunno. We only heard about the first map when we went around talking to people yesterday.

The map that led us to Steggy's cave, right?

Yep.

And we really only found that cave because we literally fell into it.

So it's safe to assume that no one else besides us has ever seen this map.

It's too bad we can't analyze it back at Chaldea...

If only we had our administrative advisor here right now. He'd be perfect for this job.

Oh, yeah. Right now, Holmes is probably

Puffing away on his pipe?

That sounds...really close...

What do you mean?

On second thought, never mind.

Oh well, we'll just have to make do without him! Come on, guys, I'm sure we can figure this out if we all put our heads together!

Let's start by going over everything we can deduce from this map.

I'll do my best to figure it out!

So, first of all...

This is a map of somewhere nearby... That is, somewhere in the Caribbean.

That much seems safe to assume.

True. It wouldn't be much help if it was a map of somewhere in, say, Russia.

I could always run over there if that turned out to be the case.

That makes one of you...

Since we're in a Singularity, and given how we came across the map in the first place, that does seem like a safe assumption.

Okay, what's next?

Right.

Next, we can assume this map is accurate, and third, that it will lead us to the hidden treasure if we can interpret it correctly.

Given all of that, I think we need to trust that this map is accurate.

？！

Good point. If this whole map turned out to be fake, there'd be nothing at all we could do.

Well, that still leaves the possibility that we interpret the map wrong.

Right. In fact, that could even be what the cartographer who made it intended.

Which brings me to my fourth point...

We can assume the message written on the map is important.

The first map had no such writing, after all.

And that leads me to think it must be especially important.

Be that as it may, it won't do us much good if we can't read what it says.

I'm actually something of a polyglot, and it's definitely not written in any language I recognize.

I say, can anyone here decipher this message?

Hehe... Some help you turned out to be, Goffy. Here, let me see that.

Nope. I got nothing!

Me neither.

...Same.

Sorry, no luck.

... ...Um...

Hm? Blackbeard?

？！

Yeah, I recognize this writing. This is sea penmanship.

You know how ships sway and rock, right? So when you're writing something on one, things like grammar and legibility go right out the port hole.

It's not so hard to read once you get the hang of it though. Let's see what we've got here... Aha!

"Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink. Who walks with water to one side will soon retread their own footprints."

That's the gist. More or less.

I see. So it's basically pirate penmanship.

Surprisingly erudite stuff, too.

Hmm...

While we're at it, I don't suppose it says exactly where this place on the map is, does it?

Nope. Least not as far as I can tell.

Well, hold on. Couldn't this be a coded message?

The kind where we need to skip a letter here, or substitute a letter there, until the truth reveals itself?

Nah, definitely not.

How can you be so sure?

Because I'm certain a pirate wrote this. No one else could write so poorly.

And there's no way a pirate would know enough arith...arith...maths, to write a coded message.

The bestthe absolute best!they could hope to pull off would be some kind of poem.

Then this would have to be an old-fashioned riddle!

This is so exciting!

All right then, let's take it one line at a time and think about what it could mean.

"Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink." Hmm.

Sounds like somewhere surrounded by undrinkable water.

...Agreed. I don't see any other way to interpret that part. Very well, let's keep going then.

"Who walks with water to one side will soon retread their own footprints." What do we make of this part?

Yes, Kyrielight?

It's talking about someone walking.

Is that all?

...No. There's more.

？！

Um... If the person proceeding next to the water is walking, that would mean they can't go in the water itself.

And going back to the first line, the fact that they're continuing to walk with water at their side...

...must mean that there's water all around them.

Makes sense. So then, the last part must mean

Right.

"Soon retread their own footprints" must mean that walking next to the water will lead in a circle, and fairly quickly.

Yes, I think that's it! And there's only one kind of place where someone could walk a path like that!

You mean

？！

That's right! The answer is a tiny remote island!

That's right! The answer is a tiny remote island!

？！

...Hm?

Is something wrong, Master?

It's okay, Wielder's Master. These things happen.

Wielder, at times like this, the best thing to do is leave the person be.

I see... You and Master must be really good friends, huh, Rengoku?

What could possibly have given you that idea?

Hmm... So water on all sides, but you can't drink any of it.

That would have to be seawater, which rules out lakes and water tanks. So then

Yup.

If you walk alongside water on a tiny island, you'll of course end up right back where you started.

Aha, well that wasn't so bad! So...

I think I remember seeing a tiny, remote island in a pretty conspicuous place.

Let me see if I can find it on the map... Yeah, here it is!

Great! Then what're we waiting for!? Let's gooo!

Yeeeah!

Hang on! We still need to decide who'll stay back at camp!

Oh, I can do that.

I'm actually very good at guard duty!

Right, Rengoku?

Yeah, sure. We'll be good as long as we have two other Servants stay behind with us.

All right, I can do that.

If you need my help out there, Master, just use a Command Spell and I'll come running in a flash.

？！

I won't let you down!

I'll stay behind, too. I'm not much for boat rides, even short ones.

...But if you need my help, Master, don't hesitate to call for me with a Command Spell, too.

I'll do whatever I must to help you, even if I have to command Viy to shoot lasers from his eyes.

Don't worry, Anastasia. Master's in good hands with me!

... Yes... That's...wonderful...

What was that!? It sounded like you don't trust me at all!

Okay everyone, let me show you to Edward Teach's (that's me) pride and joy:

The Queen Anne's Revenge!

After you...

Oh, there you are. Hey heeey.

？！

Guhuhuhuhu.

I've had the Nemo Marines come aboard as my crew. Just while we're here in the Singularity, though.

Do you have our QP ready, Captain?

Yes, yes. Here you go.

Yaaay! Now we can get orange juice at the tavern!

...Well, they probably wouldn't sell you alcohol even if you asked, so...

By the way, Master, old BB here was just thinking

？！

That's very true. We already have a BB at Chaldea, and I don't think she'd be pleased to know you were stealing her name.

How displeased do you think she'd be?

Very.

So what was this thought you had, anyway?

Well, this is my ship, right? And we have both a captain and a Master here, right?

So that means...we have to fight.

？！

Ohhh...

You know I'm a pirate, right? Well, whenever I get on a ship, I just gotta be the man in charge.

And I just won't be satisfied unless I can claim any hidden treasure we find for myself!

So before I succumb to such wicked, wicked thoughts...

...we need to duke it out to decide who's boss in these waters!

So whadda ya say!?

？！

Just like that!?

A-are you sure about this?

Times like this, the best thing to do is just pound the everloving snot out of the other guy!

H-hmm... Well, I suppose it is important to demonstrate who's in charge.

All right, Fujimaru, I leave this in your hands!

HELL yeah! Muahahaha! It's been forever since I've gotten to be the bad guy!

Just for a little while, though. We all know I'm gonna end up rejoining the team afterwards.

So we just have to come at you full force, huh? Okay, I'll do my best to kill you!

Aw crap. I thought this was gonna be a one-on-one, but you're all just dogpiling me!

Things are looking bad for old Blackbeard!

Or at least, they would be if I hadn't prepared a little something to improve my odds.

？！

Today's a special day, right? So I've got a special guest lined up for the occasion.

Hahaha! That my cue!?

Gnn! I'd recognize that intimidating voice anywhere!

Outta the way! Move aside! Caenis the Divine Spirit's comin' through!

There you have it, ladies and germs. My special guest for today is Caenis, the emperor of the sea.

H-huh!? This isn't what we agreed upon!

Uh...

What? What is it?

Well, I know I'm here to help out this Blackbeard punk...

But that Gof bastard actually hired me first.

You did?

Y-yes.

I asked Caenis to join us as Chaldea's interim safety officer and to serve as my personal bodyguard before we left...

But I hadn't seen hide or hair of them since, so I thought they'd blown me off.

S-so what are you doing here!? You not only blew me off, but you even went to work for the enemy!?

Oh, just chill. I'll do the job I promised once we're done here.

This is the first I'm hearing about this whole security detail business! Anyway, thanks for coming.

Sure. I invited Mordred to help out too...

But the response was, and I quote, "The hell'd I ever fight Master for, assface!?"

I think Bean Sprout said something to that effect, too.

Anyway, I don't love the idea of working with a creepy bastard like Blackbeard...

We're all here though, so might as well see who's stronger. How 'bout it, Master?

I-I see. You never do pass up a chance for battle, do you?

I swear, you are just always spoiling for a fight!

What can I say? I am what I am and that's all what I am!

Muahahaha! What better ally than a formidable enemy like Caenis!

All right, you bastards, bring it on! I'm gonna beat ALL your asses!

Welp, guess this is it.

Hmm... Yeah, that'll do.

We're really only screwing around. It'd be silly to wear myself out over it.

Muahahaha! Defeat me all you like! It won't be enough!

We are one and infinity! The alpha and the omega!

Every time you kill me, I'll come back to life stronger than I was before!

？！

That's 'cause I just made it up now!

Good. If you were serious, I'd've tied you to an anchor and sunk you like a rock.

Guhehehehe, you're serious, aren't you? I'm just bluffing, I'm sorry, let me grovel before you.

It's actually scary how he didn't even think twice about doing that...

Anyway, there you have it.

Master, you are now captain of the Queen Anne's Revenge!

Wooo! Bravo! I can't wait to tell Professor about this!

Master became the captain of a pirate ship! All hail Captain Fujimaru!

Since Captain Nemo's not here now, I don't have any problem calling you Captain!

？！

It's nice you're happy about all this, but...you do know what it means, right?

Being a good captain means running a tight ship.

So make sure you've got that part covered.

Otherwise, you'll find yourself at the business end of a good old-fashioned pirate mutiny.

All right, now that I've been demoted to just another sailor, I'm gonna go work with the Nemo Marines.

Good to have you aboard, Captain!

... ...

... ...

Um... You don't think that ex-Captain Blackbeard

Hahahaha.

Of course he didn't lose on purpose just so he could bunk with the Nemo Marines.

...Right?

Sure, let's just leave it at that.

Anyway, Captain, let's set a course for that remote island!

I just know that second secret treasure is out there waiting for us!

Teehee, teeheeheehee. Gotta keep things nice and clean♪

... ...Man, that's creepy...

You think so?

He just seems like an easygoing tall guy to me.

I mean, yeah, but we can't forget that he's Blackbeard.

I don't think even he knows what he'd do if he found himself back in the captain's seat.

That's probably why he was so quick to give up his old position.

？！

...Well, we'll still need to keep an eye on him. Trusting someone and trusting them blindly aren't the same thing.

We don't have to suspect every single thing he does, but by the same token, it'd be silly to just take everything at face value.

So, on that note, Mandricardo.

'Sup. ...Hm?

(Hold on. What's the director want from me?)

(I'm getting a reeeal bad feeling about this!)

I'm counting on you to keep an eye on Blackbeard!

Dammit! I knew it!

Don't worry, Ricacchi!

I'll help you out. 'Sides, it looks like fun!

A-awesome. Thanks!

Hmm. I can't believe he even handed over the captain's quarters without a fight...

Well, at least he shouldn't give us any trouble for a while. In the meantime, let's make sure we've got the right coordinates for that island.

Good. We're definitely headed in the right direction.

Though it also seems like it'll be a good while before we get there.

So I say we let the Nemo Marines handle the ship and take this opportunity to rest.

Good idea. It's almost evening anyway.

How're your stomachs holding up?

That's great! I'm glad to see you're not feeling too seasick.

Then again, I guess you've been on your share of voyages, haven't you?

Figures you'd have your sea legs by now.

Uh-oh. You feeling seasick? I've got medicine if you need it.

Don't bother. There's not much you can do to relieve seasickness besides getting some rest.

Don't worry, Master! Mash and I will take care of you until you feel better!

R-right! Of course!

I promise to take care of you as hard as I possibly can!

？！

？！

O-oh. I see...

Well, that's a relief...

(She doesn't actually seem relieved.)

By the way, Fujimaru, I don't suppose you'd be willing to let me have the captain's quarters?

I'd like to take a quick catnap myself, but I'm afraid the lower deck is somewhat, well...lacking in privacy.

？！

Really!? There's such a thing as TOO easygoing, you know!

Listen, boy, you can't just roll over when someone makes a request. You need to learn to negotiate in these situations.

Ooh, then I'd like to sleep in the captain's quarters, too!

Say what!?

Not for me, for Steggy. I want to put him up in the best room on the ship.

... ...Well, I suppose you've got a point there...

？！

Hold it.

I know there's no one else on this ship but Servants, but we still need to keep up appearances.

I'll go down to the lower deck, while you and the Demi-Servant can take

Oh come on! Didn't we just settle this?

Ugh, is that all you're worried about?

All right, all of you, line up! I'll settle this for you!

...So it's going to be like this, huh. I'm starting to feel like the lower deck would've been a more spacious choice.

Well hey, I think this is pretty fun in its own way.

Right?

I agree. It feels almost like...a boardinghouse.

？！

Either way, I don't think this room was meant for four.

All right then...Fujimaru and I will take this side.

We'll use this curtain to partition the room.

All right, everything past this point is my domain. The rest of you can divide up the remaining space however you like.

Don't forget to put up curtains to give yourselves some privacy.

？！

This is just like sleepaway camp!

We'd never be able to do something like this at Chaldea!

Man, I don't know why, but I'm really excited!

Do you guys think you'll be able to get to sleep?

I-I'm not sure. I'm not used to this ship...

And I'm so excited right now that I don't know if I'll be able to settle down...

Oh good. I'm glad to hear that, Senpai.

... ...

Wait. What did you mean by that?

Does that mean you'll be fine even if you can't sleep, or fine because you'll have no trouble sleeping!?

Uh-oh, that's not good. Would you like something to put you out?

？！

All right, that's enough. Settle down and go to sleep already.

Good grief...

？！

(Gentle breathing)

... ...

Hey, Gordy?

Didn't I tell you to go to sleep?

I just wanted to ask you something.

Hm?

Why were you against giving Steggy a name?

You need to ask? We're not that creature's parents, and it won't be staying with us forever.

Giving it a name could influence its future, and it wouldn't be right to do so when we'll have to say goodbye someday.

I see. That's a really good point. Thanks, Gordy. And here I thought you just didn't want me wasting my energy getting attached to him.

Hmph. That might be a concern if you were a typical child.

But I know Chaldea's technical advisor is perfectly capable of managing her own mental state.

Yep. Personally, I find joy in goodbyes.

Although...what would you have done if I really was a child, Father?

...Well, experiencing loss, even if it's just saying goodbye, is an important part of growing up, so I don't think I'd do anything besides watch over you as things unfold.

Also, I'm nobody's father, understood?

Got it.

Now go to sleep.

Okay.

And we're here!

？！

I certainly hope it is, after we came all this way!

All right, Nemo Marines, I'm counting on you to hold down the forter, ship, while we're gone.

Aye, aye, sir!

？！

Aww.

And so, the Chaldea Explorer Team, led by Commander Goredolf Musik...

...took their first daring steps into the fearsome jungle!

Where'd that come from?

Come on, haven't you ever seen a documentary before? You need a narrator to establish a through line.

R-really?

Yeah! Like, "A heartbeat later, we were beset on all sides by shadows that turned out to be a pack of bipedal sharks!"

Or something like that.

What in the world are you talking about? There's no such creature like that anywhere on Ear

Never mind.

Run for your lives! Er, I mean, prepare to fight! You know what, I'm just going to let you do your thing, okay?

Tch. Fine.

Hey, Master, gimme your orders quick like. This'll be a good test run.

Outta my way, chumps! Caenis is comin' through!

Not you, dipshit. You fight.

Right! Yes! Got it!

Done! Piece of cake!

？！

R-right. Well done.

It seems changing your Spirit Origin hasn't done anything to hamper your ability to fight.

Well yeah, I'm still me.

On which note... Solving riddles ain't my thing. I'll let you dorks handle that crap.

Yes, well, that's understandable. The right person for the right job and all that.

What I expect you to do, Caenis, is serve as the core of our combat team.

Great. Okay, assuming this island does in fact house the second hidden treasure...

Fujimaru, would you do the honors!?

？！

Yeah!

... ...

I say, shouldn't that honor belong to the commander?

C'mon, Gof. Hurry up or get left behind!

I-I know, I know! Also, would you please stop with the nickname?

Huh?

Oh, Master!

Hi, Master. Fancy running into you here.

Anne! Mary! What are you two doing here?

We saw you guys were up to something, so we decided to tail you. In secret.

In secret? Why?

Why?

Because we're pirates.

So when we heard there was secret pirate treasure just waiting to be found, we had to come see for ourselves.

Anne found out before I did, and she's very excited about it.

Oh yes♡

The moment I heard about this treasure, my heart started dancing for joy.

I feel just like a maiden in love. In fact, I AM a maiden in love.

So, on that note!

This is great!

We could certainly use your help to look for the treas

We came to take it for ourselves!

Fo fou!?

I really am sorry about this, Master! But we just can't resist the tantalizing allure of treasure...

But, since we're still your Servants, we don't want to rely on underhanded tricks.

Which is why we came to steal the treasure fair and square!

？！

Teehee, don't think we're only head over heels for you, Master.

...I mean...that isn't to say we aren't...

If anything, we're still very much head over heels for

Aaanne?

Ahem, ahem.

That's not important right now. My point is, we're taking your treasure, whether you like it or not!

Master, I don't think they're going to listen to reason!

？！

Right.

At this point, I doubt they'd believe us even if we told them we haven't found the treasure yet.

(They'd probably just make off with Master then...)

(Got it in one♪)

All right, you two! If it's a fight you want, it's a fight you'll get!

Let's do this thing!

Gaaah!

Aww. So much for our plan to make off with Master AND the treasure...

？！

All right, fine. We'll back down for now.

Besides, it sounds like there's still plenty of pirate treasure out there.

Where did you hear that, Mary?

Let's see... Um... Who was that really handsome guy again?

He was handing out these flyers, too.

Flyers? ...Master, look at this!

Fou...

Probably you'll have others coming after you once they see those flyers.

So please be careful, Master.

Of course, we could always capture you for safekeeping...

We'd keep you in a VERY nice cell.

Figures.

Huh!?

That went better than I expected! This might just be our year, Mary!

Okay then, just let us know when you want to hand yourself over!

We'll answer your call ANYtime, twenty-four seven!

？！

Okay, they're gone now. They just made a getaway on a dinghy.

It looks like we've got a tough road ahead of us, but for now, let's just focus on finding the treasure here!

Hmm. Maybe it's around here?

Or over here...?

Oh, is that? ...Hey guys, I found a cave!

Steggy's saying he thinks this is the place!

Good, we're all here. Look, this is it!

...(Sniff, sniff) You're right. I can smell it.

The bittersweet smell of first love?

Aww, that's beautiful. What a heartwarming thought!

I don't think I smell it, though.

Figures she'd knock it out of the park when I softball it in like that.

Hm?

Are you sure it's not just because you're stretching for your jokes?

Ayup.

There's a distinct aura about treasure.

And if you can't track it down by scent alone...

...you can't call yourself a real pirate! Or bandit, for that matter!

？！

Hm? What's this?

Heeey! Beardyguy!

Look, there's something written here. Is it more pirate penmanship?

Hm? ...Huh, so it is.

Okay, lemme have a lookie here...

"Combine two different doors to create the correct one. Otherwise"

And that's all she wrote.

Hmm. Sounds like a warning about what to expect up ahead.

As for what comes after "otherwise"

Musta been so obvious they didn't bother writing it. Hah, this oughta be good.

All right, all of you, go on in then.

I'll stay here and hold down the

All right, Gof, let's get going!

Huh? Nooo! I called dibs on staying behind!

You! Spiky hair guy! You're on lookout duty!

... ...

Me!? G-got it!

Okay, let's see what this cave has to offer!

Hmm. Seems like a perfectly ordinary cave to me...

It's pretty spacious, though. Also the ground slopes slightly downward.

Agreed. Watch your step, everyone.

...Especially you, Corday and Kyrielight.

Did he just call us out by name!?

Hmm. I think I get why?

There's just something about you guys that makes people wanna keep you safe... No, wait, that's not it.

This is slander! Baseless slander!

Right! I disagree in the strongest possible terms!

(I don't know if that's it...)

We'd better go slow so we don't trip.

Here, Master, hold on to my hand.

？！

？！

Oh Gordyyy.

Sorry, but I'm only good at keeping my own balance.

Here, Da Vinci, I can hold your hand.

Aww, thanks.

...What? What's with the hand?

Heehee.

We're the odd ones out, so this is the perfect chance to pair up!

I'm not odd anything, and I don't need to pair up with anyone! Hey! Get offa me!

And for that matter...

You're not even holding my hand! You're clinging to me like a damn barnacle!

That's me! Just call me Nagicle!

Shut your damn trap!

Agreed! Both of you, keep it down!

Um... Commander Goredolf?

Yes, Teach?

Is it just me, or is this cave getting narrower?

You're right, it is. Though not so narrow we can't get through...

Hm?

What's up, Gordy?

Heh. Wouldn't you know it? There's a suspicious button here on the wall.

？！

Oh wow, you're right. It's made of stone to blend in.

Shall I press it?

Hahahaha.

Absolutely not.

We're much too smart to fall for such an obvious trap.

Heh, I know what you're trying to say, Goffy. That means...

I should totally push it, right?

？！

Aww.

... ...Hey, Gordy?

What is it, Technical Advisor?

I think we are going to have to press one, like it or not.

Here, see? There are buttons all over this wall!

？！

Oh no! There's no way I'm pressing one of those now! Not after coming all this way!

Come on! Let's keep moving

Ah.

Blackbeeeard!

I-it wasn't me! I didn't press any button!

Beardie! Down there!

Down?

...Oh, I see. There was a button on the floor, too. Whoopsies!

Now that's just devious!

What's going to happen now that we've pressed it!?

Do you guys hear that?

？！

... ...

Hey, assholes. Anyone else feeling vibrations coming from behind us?

Hahaha! What, do you think there's a giant boulder rolling toward us or something?

Ahaha, that's such a cliché it almost feels new again!

Oh crap! Sorry, I take it back. There really IS a giant boulder headed our way!

Everyone! Run for your liiives!

Whoa, whoa, easy there, Commander. What do you think we are, anyway?

Oh!

R-right. You're Servants.

I'm too used to seeing you all going about your mundane, day-to-day stuff, so I nearly forgot!

All right, time to stop this boulder in its tracks!

Hm? (*Getting a bad feeling about this.)

What's up, Caenyan? Something on your mind?

I'm going ahead a little bit. Also, call me that again and you die.

Hahahaha!

Behold the power of B+ rank muscles! Raaaaaaah!

The hell!? Did Beardie just get absorbed into the boulder!?

？！

It looks like it's enchanted with magecraft! I only just noticed!

Then we DO need to run for our lives!

Hahahaha! I knew I had a bad feeling about this! We might be screwed!

Everyone, run for iiit!!!

Runniiing!

(Huff, huff, huff)

We're on a straight path that's sloping increasingly downwards, but that boulder's not picking up speed!

This must be part of a magecraft trap! Caster! What do you make of it!?

Sir, yes sir!

Yes, I am a Caster right now!

But I...don't really know anything about magecraft, or have any spells to counter this!

Khh! Of all the times to be missing a dependable Caster!

I'm sorryyy!

Look, up ahead! The path splits three ways!

？！

They must be! Um, what did it say again?

"Combine two different doors to create the correct one"?

I think that was it!

I see. So only one of these doors is the right choice!

And if we don't choose right, we all die in this absurd trap!

But how do we know which is the right one!?

Gnn! What do you think, Fujimaru!?

？！

Oh, fine, I guess I can help you out.

This'll just take a tiny fraction of my incredible Demon King power anyway. Hup.

Okay, let's try that again, shall we? Here, I'll even give you a hint.

When red and blue mix, they form another color. Now choose better this time.

Bwaaaaaa!?

？！

Y-yes, Senpai. Fou and I are both okay.

Fou fou.

Goredolf Musik, present... (Heave, heave)

I'm okay, too. How about you, Steggy?

Oh good.

Charlotte, present...

I'm fine, obviously.

I'm totally fine, too! (V sign)

Blackbeard, on the other hand... Oof...

Yeah. We'll have to give him a nice pirate funeral.

Hey, someone get a light. We're cremating the son of a bitch.

You know, I wonder if a candle shoved into a corpse's belly button really would keep burning for days.

Hey, now's a perfect time to find out!

I'm alive, dammit, I'm alive!!! Also, that candle thing only works on fat people!

I-I'm amazed you survived that...

The boulder broke the moment you solved the riddle.

Next thing I knew, I was cartwheeling down the cave. Literally.

So...

Yup. The purple door was the right answer.

Makes sense. We had a red door, and a blue one.

And when you mix red and blue together...

...you get purple.

Nice job, Master.

Gnnn. I could've figured that out if I hadn't had that boulder at my heels!

Sure, Gof. Whatever you say.

Gnnn!

Ahahaha. Anyway, we're here now.

And I see something shiny over there. Wanna go check it out?

？！

W-well I'll be. That's quite a pile of treasure!

See? This right here is what the Golden Age of Piracy was all about.

'Course, there's no telling how valuable most of this stuff really is.

I mean, what would you actually do with a bunch of gold bars?

？！

I get it, Master. I get it.

I mean, just take a look at this.

I've been entranced by these shinies from the moment I laid eyes on them.

Maybe there's a ring that makes you want to keep it all for yourself in here or something.

Um...

Since I'm a Caster, I checked over the treasure and it... Well, it seems to be possessed by a vengeful spirit.

Ghh! What the hell!? I've never felt anything like this before! It feels like someone's injecting rich, super-bitter espresso into every pore of my body! It's the wooorst!

？！

Thanks, Master! But how're you gonna do that?

How? ...Well, in this case...

I think violence actually is the answer?

That tracks!!! All right, if we're gonna do this, then do your worst, dammit!

La Féerie d'une Nuit!

Bwaaa!

All right! I killedI mean, beat him! Yaaay!

You certainly did. That was a great demonstration of how to be completely merciless with a Noble Phantasm.

Phew... I'm awake. I feel completely normal again.

Aside from the stabbing pains all over my body, like I've been turned into some kind of human pincushion...

That doesn't sound completely normal to me...

Anyway, we'd better be real careful from here on out.

There could be other Servants like me who got possessed by this treasure.

Aw, don't be silly! You're the only one who'd fall for that, Beardie!

Unless... Don't tell me that was your way of trying to get me possessed, too?

'Course not.

At least we can gather all the QP scattered around now that we've defeated the ghost.

...Hey, look! Another map!

Oh? What's wrong, Steggy?

This way? You want to go this way?

Hmm, okay, we can do that. ...Huh?

Oh wow... Master, it's a Holy Grail!

Well, more accurately, it's some of the resources needed to construct one.

？！

Right!

Aha. Of course. You have the power of a Holy Grail too, don't you?

Maybe that means you're drawn to other Holy Grails, and vice versa?

Hehehe. Sorry, I still can't understand what you're saying.

Well, he is a dinosaur, after all.

We're hardly familiar enough with their species to decipher the meaning behind a single bleat.

How could we be when they've been dead for over a hundred and fifty million years?

Well, yeah, sure.

But even so...I'd love to at least know what he was feeling.

Well, I'd say we got what we came for.

Yup. We pretty much took everything that wasn't nailed down.

All that's left now...is to kick the shit out of those guys.

？！

Ha!

Gonna have to be sharper than that, little doll.

Wh-what'd you call me!?

We're under attack!

？！

Hah! Hah hah haaa!

I-I know that incredibly distinctive laugh!

We all know who this guy is! Although...

How're there so many of him!?

What in the world's going on here!?

Wha'shappening!?

Mash, Mash. I think you just got so flustered you muddled your words there.

Ah!

...Ahem. Wh-what in the world is happening!?

Master, that silhouette can only belong to one man!

？！

Hah hah haaa!

？！

I don't know what's going on here, but anyone who's gotta rely on numbers to win isn't worth my time!

Bring it on, you mooks! I'mma walk all up and down your scrawny ass!

Know what, I take it back. There's way too many of these clowns.

Hah hah haaa! (× 100) Hah hah haaa! (× 100)

Shut up, shut up! The reverb's killing me!

Never mind that. How the hell're we gonna make it out of here alive!?

I don't want "Crushed by Columbuses" on my tombstone!

？！

Oh, like when a whole ton of bees cluster around an invading wasp? I think they call that heat balling?

Wait, are we the wasp, then?

I repudiate any paradigm that makes Columbus the honeybee.

Honeybees are cute! Columbus is anything but!

Well, what about that one part? Doesn't it kind of look like a stinger?

That's his beard!

...Say, Technical Advisor.

As ridiculous as this situation may be, are we actually in mortal peril?

Yes! This is a serious problem!

Oh, there, there. Don't worry, Steggy, I'll figure something out.

!!!

Huh?

Oh crap. Are they all looking at me?

Wait, no. It's not me...

？！

Da Vinci, get back!

We've gotta look and see if there's some way out of here... Ugh, get outta my way!

Man, these things're pissing me off! Get back, pip-squeak!

Hey! Don't call me that! But yes, I will get back, thanks!

I've got it. If we throw them the dinosaur, that should buy us time to

All right, all right! But that doesn't change the reality of our situation!

？！

My, oh my.

Is this really the best you guys can do?

If you lost to a powerful, evil, magnificent final boss like me, I could at least understand...

...but Servants being overwhelmed by sheer numbers? Pathetic.

All right, you've made your point! Now show yourself!

Well hello there. How's everyone doing this fine day?

That's right♡ It's me, your lovable, adorable Kammy.

Oh, right, I've decided that's what I'd like you to call me from now on, so do keep that in mind, okay♡

I don't remember us being on pet name terms... But, I guess I'm okay with it.

(That's rich. She was totally going to force Master to call her that from now on if he hadn't already done so...)

？！

Anyway, it really is pathetic how much trouble you're having against a bunch of mass-produced copies.

With junk like this...

...all you need to do is overpower them with sheer force. See?

... ...

Hey, Kammy?

Huh? Who said YOU could call me that?

Kamacho.

No.

I was just thinking...

Wouldn't a Servant using their full power in here cause a cave-in?

Huh? H-hang on. ...Are you saying I just made things worse?

？！

Time to RUN!

Huh!?

？！

Got it!

Huh? Wha...? H-hey! Wait for meee!

Oh hey, welcome back.

...Um, everything okay? You guys are looking like something bad went down.

R-right.

We did run into a little trouble, but we also accomplished our goal...for the most part...

Oh, sure. Fruit juice okay? Here.

...Yeah, that did seem to help.

？！

W-water, please...

Oh, got it. Here, have some juice.

Phew... I almost died...

Ahaha! Well, that's why you gotta be careful in caves!

Man, there really is just something about seeing them in person!

This can't be right. I only got to show off a fraction of what I had planned...

C-come on, cheer up.

I mean, we really were stuck there until you came along. Yeah.

Right!?

Well, come on, Master! Make with the praise!

I want to hear you singing it from the mountaintop!

Did you just treat me like a child!? How dare you!?

... ...

Yesss. That's it. Just like that, but MORE!

？！

So, what happened in there, anyway?

？！

U-uh, sure. I can tell you're, uh, really fired up about this.

Wahahaha!

You ran into Columbus down there!? A...gaggle of them at that!?

Achilles.

I know the expression is "laughing out loud," but you seem very uncouth when you laugh so...

... ...

Pfff, ahahahaha! I'm sorry, I can't hold it back any longer! Mass-produced Columbuses!?

You're telling us there was a small army of him all marching together in an underground cave!?

Stop, stop! I can't take iiit!

Anastasia! Take it easy, will you?

For a Grand Duchess who's usually cool as a goddamn cucumber, she sure goes all out when she does laugh...

I know how ridiculous it sounds, but you wouldn't be laughing like this if you'd been there yourselves!

Trust me, it was straight out of a horror movie!

I have to agree...

With all due respect to Columbus, it was truly nightmarish.

Wow... It must've been pretty bad for you to say something like that, Mash.

I didn't think it was all that bad... But, whatever.

So, Master, is there anything you'd like to say to me?

By which I mean, some words of gratitude for the literal goddess who took time out of her busy day to save you?

Weeell?

Yeah, I know you said a bit after we escaped, but it wasn't enough. Come on, make with the praise.

？！

... ...Still not enough.

？！

Keep it coming.

？！

Yes! More! Mooore!!!

Thank you so much, Kama! You're so powerful, and stylish too!

It's a little embarrassing hearing you praise me, Mash...

You're so cute, Kamacho! You'd be even cuter if you were smaller, though!

That was wonderful, Kama!

Oh? My turn? Um... Well, you're certainly very...colorful, Kammy.

(Colorful!?)

Kammy 16777216 Technicolor Panorama.

Hey, don't treat me like I'm some kind of game! I'm an actual goddess, you know!

Huh? My turn? Uh... What he said, I guess.

You're up.

... ...Huh? Me!?

Well, uh... You're... Oh, you...um...move around really fast?

It's not like a warrior at all. It's the kind of unbelievable movement only a god could pull off.

It's really hard to read, which makes you tough to fight. Oh, and the way you actually fight is real graceful, too.

(I'll grant you those are compliments, but I don't think that's what she's going for.)

You pass, Mandricardo. Achilles, on the other hand, is a dead man.

(She was okay with it!?)

(Crap. Guess I'd better run for it.)

Yeah, no. Pass. (We'd probably just end up trying to kill each other.)

...Yeah, that's fair enough. I didn't expect anything from you, anyway. (We'd probably just end up trying to kill each other.)

That'll have to do. I'm not really satisfied, but it'll do for now.

Anyway, none of that really matters. Master... No, Fujimaru.

This summer, I'm going to corrupt you once and for all!

(What was that sound effect!?)

Farewell for now. Hehehehehe...

(Being together 24-7 isn't always the right answer.)

(Sometimes, getting too close to the object of your affection can break the fantasy of love.)

(A true god of loveor demon king of depravitynever forgets to keep an air of mystery about her.)

(If I can't push him over the edge, I'll just pull him over instead!)

？！

Welp, there she goes. Kamacho plays by her own rules, doesn't she?

Forget about her.

Some people are happier alone.

I'm usually one of them... Or at least, I'd like to be...

Hold it! Hold it, Lord Caenis!

I'm on this mission too, and I thought you agreed to serve as my interim safety officer!

All right, all right, I'll stick around. 'Specially since I got here a day late.

But don't expect me to be here every day, got it?

N-nnn...

I figured you wouldn't be much for these sorts of, well, group activities, but still...

Don't sweat it, Gordy. Some Servants are just like that.

If anything, we should be grateful Caenis has been putting up with all of us so patiently.

Anyway, great job today, guys!

And while I'm at it: Gordy?

Yes, yes. Food's ready! Cooome and get iiit!

？！

Got you♡

(If I can't push him over, I'll pull him over. But right now...)

(It's time to push!)

What's wrong? Can't sleep?

Worried you'll have nightmares?

？！

...Hmm. I see.

Well then, maybe a lap pillow and a lullaby will help you drift off?

I think I know the words to "Rock-a-bye Baby."

... ...

Juuust kid

？！

Huh!?!?

...Ahem.

Well, well. You sure about that? Reeeally sure?

Because if you're going to make it that easy for me, I'll just go ahead and corrupt you right now.

H-huh... That's pretty bold of you.

Usually, you're nowhere near this smooth.

... ...

Uh... Are you going to fall asleep like this then? I, um, guess I don't mind if you do...

？！

I can't believe he actually fell asleep. I don't know what he's thinking...

... ...

Oh, fine, I'll leave him alone.

Besides, he's practically already fallen into depravity, sleeping on my lap like this.

So I guess I'll just have to let it go for now... Hmph...

Hmph, of course. Well thanks oh-so-much for letting me down gently.

Jerk. Coward.

Idiot. Nitwit.

Did you just sigh at me!?

... ...What, now you're ignoring me?

？！

Because if that's how you're gonna play it, I can reeeally ruin your day.

？！

Hehehe. NOW you're quaking in your boots? Too late.

All right, what should I do withHm?

Oh.

I thought I heard something out here. Didn't realize you two were goin' at it.

Give it a rest and go to bed already. We got another early morning tomorrow.

H-huh!? We weren't "going at it"!

Do you have any idea how hard I'm working to drag him down into depravity!?

That so? Sorry to ruin your tryst.

Bwaaa!? Hey! Get back here!

You and I aren't done talking here!

？！