Section 8: All-Out Pirate War

So, we're dealing with an army of Columbuses, their leader, a child version calling himself Chris, and Chris's mysterious aide, DOUMAN.

We also have those bipedal sharks that appeared out of nowhere, and some of our own pirate Servants running around doing whatever they please.

... ...

Can I go home now?

？！

Hey, I get it too, Boss.

I still can't believe that little guy...goes on to become...THAT guy.

How is that even natural? Forget about different species. It's more like...a mammal maturing into a car.

You're really telling me a kid like that becomes a guy like THAT?

？！

Well damn.

We've also got to stop DOUMAN in his tracks.

There's no telling what kind of evil stuff he'll get up to if we don't...

？！

At any rate, we're ready to look for the sixth pirate treasure now.

While we have been fortunate enough to find jewels, doubloons, and other assorted pirate treasures...

...let us not forget that we are here strictly for the Holy Grail!

Well, we've also found a small mountain of QP. That's gonna help a lot.

Excuse me, Captain Gof? I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm really hungry.

"Captain Gof"?

Also, I could have sworn Servants didn't get hungry or even need to eat... But fine.

Tonight, I'll be making churrasco.

It's a type of South American barbecue that originated in Brazil.

Apparently, it's served by carving meat off an iron skewer right in front of you.

Yes, well, I won't be doing that for you out here. You'll all have to carve your own portions.

Me neither!

Indeed, your excitement is understandable. You haven't had churrasco until you've had it with the Musik family's secret sauce!

？！

Suffice to say, I will be staying behind, as I'll be occupied at camp today.

Churrasco takes quite a lot of work. Marinating the meat alone takes hours.

Aww.

Then I'll stay behind today, too.

Nothing will happen to the churrasco on my watch. It sounds too yummy to let it come to harm!

？！

I... Of course... I would...never...

Hehehe... Once she hears that tantalizing sizzle, and gets a whiff of that delectable aroma...

Rengoku won't be able to stay away. She'll come straight back.

(I don't know. She didn't seem all that interested in food to me...)

I'll stay here too, then. Which just leaves

I'll join you as well. Do take care of Master for me, won't you, Char?

You got it!

By the way, where did Caenis wander off to? Oh well, if nothing else, I'm certain our agreement is still in effect!

All right then, Chaldea Explorers, on your way! When you return, you'll have a hearty helping of churrasco ready and waiting for you!

？！

... ...

And so, Gof turned to look at his hands, wondering exactly when this change had come over him.

Stop that! It's weird when you read people's minds with such freakish accuracy!

You okay now, Steggy?

？！

Yeah!

Holy Grail or not, he still has the body of a regular dinosaur, and a baby one at that!

Maybe he never would've gotten sick if I'd done a better job monitoring his health...

I'm sorry, Steggy.

I don't think that's true, Da Vinci.

You've been with him this whole time, and you never took your eyes off him.

Mash is right.

You've been doing a great job with him!

'Sides, kids get sick sometimes no matter what you do with them.

That's no less true for animals than it is humans.

...Thanks, guys.

You're welcome! Not that I said anything myself.

Hey, I appreciate all shows of supportMash's straightforward ones, and your twisted ones, Blackbeard.

To me, they're both equally novel and beautiful.

Th-thank you.

Are...you saying I'm beautiful.

She is not.

Master, Master, on the ground.

Who's the fairest pirate all around?

(Wow, he really narrowed the playing field there.)

(...Not that it'll do him much good, what with HIM around.)

？！

Bart!? But he's a total sleaze on the inside!

What's personality got to do with who's the most handsome pirate?

I know! I know, but still!

Besides, if we're being really honest, Master looks the best out of anyone.

Put another way, you could also say he's the cutest.

？！

(Whoa, she's being really direct today!)

But Master's not even a pirate!

So? He's still friends with them. And besides, Master's also stolen...um...

M-my point is, I think he more than qualifies as a pirate!

...Wait. Is that what's going on here?

Were you doing one of those "Master HAS stolen something... My heart" bits?

Hahaha, nah, that can't be it.

... ...

OH MY GOD, YOU WERE!

I-I see. So Master qualifies as a pirate...because he stole your heart...

Yes... That does make sense!

Fou... Fou?

O-oh gosh, oh gosh! I didn't mean to put it so embarrassingly!

？！

A-anyway, I think I've embarrassed myself enough, so let's just drop this, okay?

Aww, really?

I was hoping to hear more! It's all so fascinating!

Please just leave me be...

Hah hah haaa! Hah hah haaa!

That dapper, vaguely unsettling voice!

It's a mass-produced Columbus!

？！

Come on, let's get him!

... ...

... ...Umm...

What is it, Mr. Mandricardo?

"Mister"?

...Uh, never mind that.

I hope I'm wrong about this... Like, really, it'd be great if I were just imagining things...

？！

But, uh, it kind of seems to me like these mass-produced models are...evolving?

You're right... His Spirit Origin was definitely stronger.

Well hey, they wouldn't be the first mass-productions in a story to get a power-up of some kind in the second act!

...Let's just not think too hard about what they might eventually end up being like!

Don't worry! I believe in DOUMAN!

Isn't that exactly who we shouldn't be believing in?

...Wait. Huh? Caenis?

Oh, hey. What're you clowns doing here?

...Oh, right. You must be looking for more treasure!

What about you, Caenis? I thought you'd be back at the camp with Goredolf.

Me?

I was out on patrol and spotted some people I thought might be fun.

We hit it off, and now I'm kind of working part-time for them, I guess?

Oho, really now.

Whoever had the guts to hire you must be hella courageous.

You got that right! On that note: hey, Boss! Someone's calling for you!

Aha! I thought it might be you!

Gaaah!

Drake!

Did you really think I was gonna miss out on pirate treasure!?

Sorry to do this to you, but I can't possibly sit this race out!

And we're with Captain Drake♡

Don't worry, Master. We'll leave some treasure for your group, too.

And what you actually mean here is...

We're taking it aaall!

Ahaha. All right, Master, it's on!

Pirates are pirates, on sea or land! Never forget that!

Drake seemed very, um, enthusiastic about this, didn't she?

Why that little... Dammit, this is one grudge I am absolutely not putting aside!

Right now, Master, we need to bring our tippy-top A game, or she'll beat us for sure!

And if there's one thing I won't stand for, it's losing to Francis goddamn Drake!

Fou fo...

？！

Got it! Okay, guys, let's all get to the ruins as fast as we can!

O-oh wow, these ruins are enormous! They're much bigger than the ones we saw before!

Oh, good. That much more space for death traps.

Be careful in here, Master.

...Hm? Hey, Blackbeard?

Yeees?

There's something written on the wall here. Can you read it?

Lessee...

"Courage and recklessness are not the same. Recklessness is way better, obviously."

"Pirates laugh at bravery, and commend rats who walk into traps."

"That's how this place works."

Fin.

...As advice goes, that's pretty weird.

Everyone knows courage and recklessness are different, but you never see anyone praising the latter over the former.

Maybe it's code for something?

？！

Y-you think?

Ding ding ding! Spot on, Master.

I can tell you've been around us pirate Servants awhile now... Yes, as I've said before, pirates are basically idiots.

This isn't a code. We can just take it at face value.

No pirate worth their sea salt would bother writing down meaningless words to try and confuse anyone.

So then, what we see is what we get with them...

Exactly.

On which note: come on, let's go! I can't wait to see what these ruins have in store!

Nah, I don't think so. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Master: pirates are basically idiots.

This isn't a code. We can just take it at face value.

No pirate worth their sea salt would bother writing down meaningless words to try and confuse anyone.

？！

Oh yeah. Definitely.

Come on, Master, you should know what makes pirates tick better by now!

Don't listen to him, Master.

Understanding pirates is something no decent person should ever do.

Isn't that right, Blackbeard?

Uh, right.

Hey, Ricardo. Did something happen with her?

I'd bet on Anne and Mary. Probably.

Ahh, okay. So she's feeling competitive. True, those two definitely aren't shy about going after what they want.

Oh good! Steggy's in high spirits, too.

Anyway, whatever may be waiting for us, skipping out on the adventure is not an option.

Right. The only way forward is forward!

Yup! Now let's go find that Holy Grail!

？！

The hell? This can't be right.

I-I have to agree. Something's very strange about this room!

Even the background looks way out of place...

Hahaha. The Holy Grail is right there for the taking. Hahaha.

？！

Sure looks like a perfect Holy Grail. Might be perfect for serving up shaved ice, too.

Um, Nagiko? I'm asking you nicely: Could you please not go over there, no matter how tempting it looks?

Wahaha, you're such a worrywart, Corleen!

Just 'cause I'm a Berserker now doesn't mean I don't know an illusion trap when I see one!

I mean, it's not like anyone's gonna come all this way to see the thing, no matter how you dress it up.

... ...

Well, hang on.

When a trap is this obvious, doesn't it make you think it could loop right back around to being real?

Look, Steggy agrees with me!

No he doesn't! Stop making stuff up!

Ooh, treasure.

And a Holy Grail at that! All right! Talk about a huge score!

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go get it!

U-um... Excuse me?

Did it never cross your minds that that could be a trap?

Hmm. Well, if it is, that'll be fun, too♪

I mean, a pirate made this trap for other pirates, right? And how are you going to make your dreams come true without taking risks!?

Come on, Anne, let's go.

'Kaaay♪

Heeere we gooo♪

Front kick♡

Did old Blackbeard just get sucker kicked!?

Hmm... Looks like we've got pitfalls and a suspended ceiling!

All right, let's run past them at top speed!

Right behind you!

Annnd hup!

Whoa. This isn't a Holy Grail... It's a crown!

I'll take it!

？！

Okay Master, see you later!

Let's make a deal after we've gotten the Holy Grail, 'kay?

We'll trade it for a full day occupation course.

？！

... ...

Khh, okay, okay, you were right! Now quit giving me that "told you so" look!

W-well hey, at least it wasn't a Holy Grail, right?

Hmm.

I knew it. These traps are worth tripping.

Looks that way.

In fact, it looks like it might even be best to go out of our way to trip them.

Oh!

So this is what that sign by the entrance was talking about!

So, in other words...

Even though there are traps here, we should make our way through them recklessly?

If what Mary just did is anything to go by, yes.

It's a good thing for us she only got a crown that LOOKS like a Holy Grail, but

Yeah. If we let them get too far ahead, there's a good chance they'll reach the Grail before us.

And once that happens, it'll be the full day occupation course for Fujimaru.

Are you okay with that, Master?

？！

Right, that is NOT an acceptable outcome!

We have to stop that from happening, no matter what!

I don't wanna see you come back looking wrung out like a dishcloth.

I mean, this might not be the best way to put it...

But let's just say I can't imagine those two holding back when it comes to...you know.

Your monotone is only freaking me out more, Master.

Trust me, I don't recommend it. It could turn your world upside down, in more ways than one.

？！

Here's the real problem. For our purposes, there are three kinds of things we can find in these ruins.

The first is a Holy Grail. The second is treasure that Chaldea can make use of.

The third is none of the above, by which I mean something that's either useless, and/or means us harm, like enemies.

Exactly.

Man, whatever pirateno, pirate-slash-mage made these ruins had some crazy ideas!

(Maybe it was, like, a secret society that swore to do battle with some order of knights or something?)

Well, if we do run into enemies, we can just take 'em down and keep moving.

And if they have any useful materials or stuff we can strip off 'em, we'll even come out in the black.

Ooh, way to see the upside! Good thinking, Ricacchi!

So from now on, if we see a trap, we shouldn't hesitate to trip it.

Okay, but who's gonna be the damage sponge who soaks the hurt from traps we can't get around?

Heh. Since fewer sacrifices are better, we should clearly settle that with...

Rock-paper-scissors!

Oh, but let's leave Daviko and Chan-mas out of it, obvs.

...Got it!

Well, I've got some experience adventuring, so I can at least figure out what kinds of traps we're dealing with first.

True. We've got pirate and king Servants up the wazoo, but no bandits in the bunch.

Maybe, but we do have some who get close. Like, say, Robin Hood.

There's a lot we don't know about Emiya's backstory (*because he won't tell us) but he does know a lot about traps.

...Well, honestly, don't count on me to be that much help. I just wanna do what I can to keep you safe.

Yes, don't worry, Master! We won't hesitate to rush in where angels fear to tread!

？！

Okay, so for the time being, we'll all just charge at any traps we see together.

All right! Good to have that settled!

Ahem. Could I have everyone's attention, please?

What you see here is a library, which suddenly appeared after wandering around these ruins for some time. As you can see, the backs of its bookshelves are lined with glittering treasure.

Library!? Glittering!?

Sweet, I'mma go check it out right now! Don't wait up for me for dinner!

H-hey! Wait a second!

Gyaah!

Right. She's a Berserker now.

Still, I desperately want to go check it out, too! Every bone in my pirate body is screaming for it!

It's like the old yarn about the frog and the scorpion. Sometimes, a pirate's just gotta do what a pirate's gotta do.

What's the harm in just checking it out? It's not like it's going anywhere.

？！

All right, I see how it is. Both of you, come take a look at this, please.

Hm?

As you can see, what I have here is a perfectly ordinary black cloth.

Now, I'm going to put it over both of you.

Bwa!?

Easy there. It's okay. Three, two, one...

Presto!

Huh? Where'd she go!?

No way! She turned herself invisible! This is freaking me out!

...Phew. I just turned them around while they were distracted, but I guess that did the job.

I'm surprised it worked as well as it did...

The trick to stage magic is exploiting your audience's blind spots.

Well, in my case, it's more about forcing my audienceI mean, enemies, to see illusions, but the principle's the same.

Yeeeah, I don't think that counts as stage magic.

It doesn't, does it?

...Okay, I checked out the trap as best I could.

Far as I can tell, it's set up to have the shelves slam together around you if you get near the treasure.

Aha, I see. So that's what we're dealing with, huh?

Heh... Of course I knew that.

Well that just...makes this easier, yeah! Come on, guys! Let's gooo!

Rock! Paper! Scissors!

Shoot!

Well... Yeah, that's fair.

Okay, I'mma go step up and nab that treasure!

All right! Let's gooo!

Whoa, that's awesome! They have "The Tale of Genji II" here!

Really? That's amazing!

... ...

And impossible!

？！

What the...!? The newest book by Sei Shounagon!?

... ...

When'd I write this!?

You didn't, obviously!

Come on, Nagiko, hurry up and get back heeere!

Hold up. I've gotta at least check out what it sa

Gurk!

Welp, on that note...

I looked around as much as I could while springing traps, but I didn't see any Holy Grail.

Hehe... I do feel like I got a glimpse of heaven, though.

Didn't you kind of do that to yourself?

Maaaybe...

Hooowever, I am but a humble samurai, obliged to check out the new releases aisle even when I'm not planning to buy anything...

(Expression that all but shouts "What an idiot!")

Aw, c'mon, Beardie. You're telling me when you go to a bookstore or library, you don't wonder if your fav author put out a new book?

(Blunt honesty) Depends on the genre.

I see. That's pretty deep. But anyway.

Heh... Sorry, Chan-mas. I leave...the rest...to you...

(Slump)

？！

Good work, Nagiko.

All right, on to the next treasure! Let's go!

...Crap! Nobody move!

？！

Wh-what is it?

There are snares on the floor just up ahead. And right past them is

？！

Yup. I don't know what kind of treasure it is, but

Ohhh Blaaackbeeeard♡

Whoa! I just heard my ideal voice actor calling my name!

？！

It's what's on the inside that counts! I mean, the outside's important too!

Uh-oh! Blackbeard is making a mad dash towards the voice!

Old maaan! Stooop! There're traps theeere!

Over heeere, honey♡ Don't be shy, now♡♡♡

All riiight! (Making a last-second comeback power pose)

Blackbeard is still running straight for it! I'd try to stop him, but there are too many traps in the way!

Whoa, that's some serious leg power. He almost reminds me of a steam engine!

Running back Edward Teach is making a furious dash for the end zone!

You're almost there♡ Trust me, it's heavenly over here♡♡♡

He's making one last push! Aaand touchdooooooooown!

Oops. Too bad♡

Oh no! Teach has taken a tuuumble! He's fallen right into the traaap!

？！

Also, I'm sorry, but this is who that ideal voice actor turned out to be on the inside!

Ugh! Guess we're doing this, then!

？！

U-understood! Please watch your step while fighting, everyone!

Right! I'll do the best I

Huh? Master, what're you doing over th

Waaah!

？！

Steggy!?!?!?

Fooou.

Fooou! ...Is still here, safe and sound!

Got you, Steggy!

There, there. Just hang on a little longer, okay?

It's great you got him back, Da Vinci. ...Now then.

？！

Yes, sir.

？！

I saw my ideal heroine standing right there, and my better judgment went right out the window.

It must've been an illusion that shows you your dream lover or something.

Phew. Glad the rest of us didn't get caught up in it...

(Wonder what kind of person I would've seen... Glad I didn't make things more awkward for myself.)

Oh, but that still wouldn't explain why Steggy reacted the way he did.

...Maybe it shows you people you really care about, or that you're close to?

In Steggy's case, that would probably be other stegosauruses, or his family.

Yeah, probably...

So, did you at least get something for your trouble, Blackbeard?

Oh yeah, check this out: I got some rum, and a bunch of ex-pirates!

Those are just bones. ...But then, I guess that's okay!

Those're probably the remains of other poor souls who got sucked into the same trap you did.

Ah well, what're you gonna do? Rum, treasure, and beautiful women are the greatest rewards a pirate could ask for!

There's nowhere we wouldn't go for a chance at any of those!

How did you knooow!?

Exactly. Isn't that right, Lady Corday?

After all, you saw an illusion of Master yourself, didn't you?

Hehehe. No comment.

One more word, and we go to war, got it?

Okay. Old Blackbeard never could say no to a pretty face or an innocent heart.

？！

Oh hey!

Oh, if it isn't Caenis the traitor.

Didn't I say it was just a part-time gig? 'Sides, Caenis the Divine Spirit is capricious and shit.

Hey, I'm just as capricious as anyone!

You hear that, Master? Sure you can trust this guy?

？！

Hey, that's cold, Fujimaru. You saying you don't trust me?

C'mon, you know me. I met you when you were still living the life of an ordinary student...

And I turned out to be the blonde ultrarich tsun/yandere girl with pigtails and a rad air intake you promised to marry when we were childhood friends (complete with fifty-three unlockable CGs and twenty-three endings ranging from True to Happy to Good to Normal to Bad and everything in between)?

？！

I think he might've let his own desires run away with him there...

(Shocked from hearing about the promise to marry a childhood friend. No idea what else he was talking about.)

(Shocked from hearing about the promise to marry a childhood friend. No idea what else he was talking about.)

(Imagining Blackbeard with pigtails)

I don't know what any of that shit meant. Sounded like a buncha pointless crap!

Yeah, that's pretty much how it goes with him.

？！

...Hm?

Okay, okay, that's enough.

Once you go there with pirates, or really, any person, there's no coming back with everyone still alive.

...Well, well. So that's your deal, huh?

But I gotta take issue with one thing. Pirates ain't people, right?

Since ancient times, everyone's known that pirates and bandits are just worthless scumbags.

What was that!? I have just as many human rights as anyone! Or I should, anyway!

The worthless two-bit pirates who never made a name for themselves, on the other hand: you can take all their rights away as far as I'm concerned.

Talk about double standards...

Anyway, as you can probably guess, there're traps here, too.

See for yourselves.

Why did you throw a stone onto that floor tile?

Aah! The tile gave out!

Pretty simple, right? Step on the wrong spot, and the floor drops out from beneath you.

So you gotta run across before they can drop you.

I bet that carrot bastard could run through this pretty easily...

But that'd basically be cheating, so it'd suck if he was around. Is he?

？！

He's not, huh. Perfect. Since I'm feeling so fickle today...

I'm gonna challenge you lot to a race.

Any objections? No? Good. Okay, whoever wants to race me, raise your hand.

... ...

...Well?

...O-okay, I'll do it.

I-I will, t

？！

Huh!?

B-but why, Senpai!? I mean, Master!?

Um... Girls? I don't know how to say this and I really wish I didn't have to, but...

Look, even setting aside leg strength and running speed you're both, well...

You're clumsy.

We are!?

Master... Is that true? Is that what you think, too!?

？！

Wh-why did you just look away!?

I don't THINK I'm a slow runner...

Oh, but then again...

I think someone did say something similar when we were running away from that boulder in the cave...

Mash. I hate to say it... And this is just the impression people have, but...

I think Blackbeard is right.

You and I are both kind of, well...clumsy!

I am!?!?!?

Okay, Master. We understand. We'll just sit quietly in the corner and cheer for whoever does compete, then... (Sniff)

Good luck. You can do it.

Uh, thanks.

All right then...guess that just leaves you. The plain guy.

Plain guy? Yup, that's me. Plain as they come.

Why're you happy about that?

Uh... So, we doing this or what?

Hold it!

Let me handle this, Mandricardo! Steggy's been mewling his head off, and I bet there's a reason for that!

The little doll? Well, that's kinda a letdown.

What was that!?

...Well, if you really don't mind, it's all yours.

Of course I can! Trust me, you underestimate my speed at your own peril.

Don't worry! I've got this!

I'll show you exactly why I'm the right girl for this job!

？！

Good! Then let's race!

You ready?

Of course!

Okay then, when I say "Go!" you both run at top speed, 'kay?

Got it.

... ...Got it.

I'll provide the play-by-play, you provide the color, Master.

？！

...Whatever comes to mind.

That's it. Just like that.

You said it, Fujimaru.

Da Vinci seems to be at a disadvantage, but I think Caenis is going to do us the favor of underestimating her.

Why the hell would I do that!?

？！

All right...

(Deep breath) Ready...

Gog!

Huh!? Did you just say "gog"!?

Ha, I knew he'd pull something like that! Here goes!

Huh!? Aw crap, I'm behind! Dammit, Blackbeard, you're a dead man!

Hohohoho. All's fair in war and racing, my dear Caenis.

And Caenis is off to a slow start.

They're on their way, though, howling furious curses with every step!

Yikes! The floor really is falling apart!

Crap, that was close! Stop running down the middle, dammit! Save some floor for me!

Hell no! Just give up now and save yourself the trouble!

Not a goddamn chance! Hraaah!

Whoa, Caenis just kicked it up a notch! They're gaining on Da Vinci, and fast!

But the slow start might be the deciding factor here!

And Caenis falls right through the floor! A moment of silence for our fallen competitor. RIP.

I'm not taking the bait, dammit!

Tch.

Oh, I can't see how Da Vinci is doing anymore! She must have already taken the rose hairpin turn!

？！

Hwa?

？！

Hahahaha! I've almost got you now, short stuff!

Ugh, get off my back already! Here, I made you a grenade! Enjoy!

Too easy!

Gaaah! Don't knock it back towards meee!

All right! You're practically mine now!

Hahahaha! How 'bout I just pull you down onto the floor and be done with it!

...Huh? What's that sound?

Hey, yeah. It sounds like...hoofbeats?

As the great Flying General Lu Bu himself, I couldn't sit out when I heard there was a race going on! Neigh-haaaaaah!

He's running on the wall!?

Gyah! That is just wrong! That's the freakiest thing I've seen in ages!

But it's working great! Wow, he's more like a spider than a horse!

That's me! Just call me your friendly neighborhood Lu Bu!

...Hey, short stuff! You really want that horse guy to win?

N-no, I don't!

Me neither! All right, let's call a temporary truce and kick his big horse ass to the curb!

Just don't forget to watch the ground, too!

...Okay, you're on! And make sure you don't literally fall down on the job either, Caenis!

Ha! Who do you think I am!? I'm the bird with the goddamn golden wings!

I'm never gonna fall as long as I keep flying!

Neigh-heeeigh!

All right! We got him!

...Wait. Maybe we should've thought this through.

Ahaha. Wanna carry him back together?

Yeah, okay... Ugh, where the hell'd this mutant horse weirdo come from, anyway!?

Took the words right out of my mouth...

But I could also say the same thing about you! At least for today!

For today? Yeah, I'll give you that. I've been working my safety officer job for a while now, so I needed a break.

Oh, hey. WelCú Chulainn back.

Hey guys! Did you Mash me?

Huh!? Are you two making Servant puns as pleasantries!?

Hey, we've also got "Liz time no see" and "How's it going, my main Mandricardo."

Damn, seriously?

...Uh, anyway, how'd the race go?

Well, as you can see, we were forced to call a truce to deal with a common enemy.

Wow, I did NOT see that coming.

I mean, talk about a dark horse!

Neigh. Thank you, I'm Lu Bu.

Anyway, here you go, little doll.

Don't call me that. So, what is thi

Oh. Another dead end.

Well hey, it looks like these ruins continue a little further past here. I'm sure the Holy Grail'll turn up eventually.

Okay, but it's Chaldea property, all right? Don't go taking it for yourself.

I won't. I'll just go back to working my safety officer gig.

... ...

I do got a question for you, though. Speaking of Chaldea property...

That thing counts too, right?

Huh?

It's a Holy Grail, yeah?

So it's a precious source of magical energy. Isn't it Chaldea policy to collect and store things like that?

For that matter, how long're you gonna let it keep pretending to be a living creature?

You should just collect it now while

？！

...Oh.

Guess you don't need me to tell you that.

？！

...You're such a freakin' softy, aren't you?

Well, what matters is that you understand. See you back at camp.

... ...

...I do understand. I do. It's just...

Da Vinci...

Not yet.

I want to stay like this just a little longer...at least until this adventure ends.

？！

Exactly.

Way I see it, it's better to let things take their own course than screw them up by messing with them too much.

Yeah, maybe you're right. Thanks.

...Okay, let's go!

Ready when you are!

It's okay, Corday! You don't have to stay in the corner anymore!

Welp, so much for this place. They already beat us to it.

？！

There, see that crest? That's Old Lady Drake's.

If she hears you calling her that, she's gonna be fuuurious.

Well, the two of you do have a...history.

Ah well, can't take what's already been taken.

We'll just have to hope it wasn't the Holy Grail and move on to the next place!

Hm? What's wrong, Steggy? There's nothing more to

What's this? Throwing in the towel already?

Who's therOh. It's just you.

Oh, hey, Kammy.

Hello♡

？！

Not sure I care for your overly familiar tone, Blackbeard.

'Sup, Chan-Kama!

Stuff it, or I'll stuff it for you.

Anyway, hehehe, you won't want to miss this opportunity.

There's a secret passage here, you see. Drake's gang missed it.

See? Take a closer look at that mural.

？！

...Hey, yeah. Is that a button right next to it?

Look, right here.

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Oho. ...Wanna press it?

I don't think we should. We have no idea what might happen!

Hm...? There's something written on the wall here, too.

I'm not surprised you didn't recognize it, Chan-mas, but lucky for you, I studied this language a bunch back in my heyday.

Aha, Drake must've missed it 'cause it wasn't pirate penmanship.

Is that ancient Japanese? Here in the Caribbean?

Nope, it's Chinese. Though this writing system did eventually make its way to Japan, too.

Then again, maybe a Japanese person DID write it, since there was also that picture of Miko-nyan (read: Himiko).

Whoa, you really do know your stuff, huh, Master?

Still, I don't think this was Wokou work. The time period just doesn't line up.

I believe they were called "Wokou."

That was the name for pirates from Japan who used to ransack all of East Asia.

Although, strictly speaking, the group didn't consist only of Japanese people, and we're about two hundred years too late to run into them.

？！

Never mind that, guys. What's it actually say?

Hmm, one sec. Gotta think about how to phrase this in futureI mean, modern parlance...

"Ascending order is easy, descending order is difficult."

"And of course, don't forget the core pirate tenets!"

Yeah, that seems about right.

...Is that all it says?

Sure is.

What the hell's that even mean!?

Hmm... Now I see.

？！

More or less. But I'm not telling you just yet.

Hehehe... If you want to know, you'll have to ask me really, reeeally nicely

Ah, let's just press it and see what happens.

Boop.

？！

No fair, Nagiko! I wanted to press it!

Wahaha! Don't cry, Beardie!

We all know it's just gonna be more enemies!

See?

Ugh... Sure, this is pretty much what I expected, but still!

All right, Master, remember the difference between ascending and descending order?

Ascending order goes "one, two, three." Descending order goes "three, two, one."

And each of these three types of Demonic Beast are different sizes.

One order will make the fight easy, while the other will make it more difficult.

Buuut the reward for doing it the hard way is better.

And there you have it. So, what's it gonna be?

？！

...Yooou got it.

Then let's get rid of these Demonic Beasts on easy mode, shall we?

I can see you're thrilled about this.

... ...

Were you even listening to my divine advice?

Still, hehehe, choosing to walk the more difficult path?

That just might be the act of a true protagonist.

Plus, you WILL get a better reward for it.

There you have it. The answer was, "Defeat them from smallest to biggest"♡

Of course, the opposite would have worked just as well, too. Plus, you get more rewards that way.

Nice that neither the riddle nor the battle turned out to be that tough. Though we also didn't get much of a reward, either.

The riddle wasn't so bad, but the battle... Man, that was really tough...

？！

There better be something good waiting for us after all that trouble!

If there isn't, we (the royal we) may just destroy these ruins in our fury and build a castle keep on the ashes.

Steggy just sensed something. It looks like there's something off in the direction the enemies came from.

Weh heh heh. Looks like that Holy Grail fragment is as good as ours.

Really? You're gonna say that now? You realize you've basically just set us down the bad end route, yeah?

What? Nuh-uh. No way.

I'm so certain that, if I'm wrong, I'll slurp dandan noodles through my nose!

Holy Grail fragment retrieval complete. That makes five, not including Steggy.

Ooh, there's a map here, too. Can't forget that.

You hear that, Nagiko? Get those dandan noodles ready.

Huh? Why? We got the Grail no prob, right?

Don't you remember how that old tune goes?

From Toryanse? "Going in is easy, but returning is hard"? Hmm, I guess that makes sense. We DID see that crest here, too, after all.

Oho, looks like you found the treasure after all! Gimme!

？！

Well, it was worth a shot.

That just means we'll just have to take it from you fair and square, pirate-style!

Geh geh geh. If you really think you can take it from us, go ahead and try!

Yeah, that's about what I expected. Except the first bit. The hell kind of laugh was that?

A demonic one.

Sounded more like a poison dart frog than a demon, to be honest.

I'd say it sounded like an Argentine horned frog.

Gogh goh goh gohoho!

Don't engage, Nagiko.

Gohoho? Really? I thought that was how we were competing.

Huh?

Ehehe... D-did somebody say my name...?

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Oh. That's a Van Shoghck... Short for Van Gogh shock... Ooh, that almost sounds like a Noble Phantasm...

I could call it something like "Zonnebloem Van Gogh Shock"... Ehehe... I like the sound of that...

Goghem. All right, let's get this battle started for reals then!

That was an awkward way to get us back on track... But hey, I guess it worked.

So, you have a Holy Grail fragment, Master, gold nuggets, jewels, Master, a dinosaur, and Master...

Now, they're all going to be ours!

Greedy much?

You can never have too much of a good thing.

Well, Master, you heard the lady.

What're you gonna do now?

Thanks, Fujimaru!

I'm ready to fight, too. There's no way I'm gonna lose to a bunch of pirates!

Sorry about this, but your adventure ends here!

Haha, feels good to be the bad guy again!

Hey! Didn't you say you were going back to camp!?

I bumped into them on the way and figured I'd take another part-time baddie job.

So, now I'm gonna stop you! Your adventure ends here!

Baddies, huh?

Then why don't you pirates save yourselves the humiliation and pedal away pathetically on your little land bikes while you still can?

...Oho. Big talk.

Especially coming from a third-rate evil goddess from the ass end of nowhere.

Hehehe. Hurl all the insults you want. Doesn't bother me.

What DOES bother me...is you. Your entire existence. Something about you just pisses me off.

Sounds like a you problem.

Hmm. Then again, maybe it's because I actually admire you.

But admiration can turn into contempt pretty easily, right? That's common, isn't it?

Well, only one thing to do. Let's destroy them, shall we?

Oho, so that's how you're gonna play it! Nice. Very nice.

I'm all in favor of going for what you want, everything else be damned. If anything, that's how a Master should be!

... ...

Well? Aren't you going to say something, Anne?

...Oh, I'm sorry. I just got a little lost in my fantasies there.

Hehehe, enjoy them while you can, Anne, because they're never going to come true.

What about all those famous people who say you can make any dream come true if you believe in it?

They're wrong.

(Uh-oh. She and Anne are NOT a good fit for each other.)

... ...Is that so?

... ...Yes.

Hehehehe!

Hoo boy. This is getting uglier by the minute...

They're smiling...and glaring daggers at each other at the same time. It's kind of freaking me out.

Haha, I don't know what's going on here, but I could practically smell the bloodlust! I want in!

Hey! Didn't you say you were going back to camp!?

I bumped into them on the way and figured I'd take another part-time baddie job.

Here's to a good fight!

？！

All right then. Blackbeard, I'm gonna show you what being a pirate is all about.

...That so, Old Lady Drake?

You got a real gift for saying the thing people least want to hear, don't you?

Pot, meet kettle. Okay, crew. It's plundering time! We're gonna take 'em for all they've got!

Aye, aye, Captain!

Oh, right, almost forgot. Da Vinci! Master!

Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree here...

But did you think of something to say?

Hm? ...Oh, okay!

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Yeah, that's it. Okay, I'll let 'em have it!

You want our stuff that badly? Go ahead, try to take it!

We're Chaldea's roughest, toughest gang! Anyone tries to get in our way, we'll kick their ass to the curb! Gods and mortals alike!

Got it!?

Wooo! Nice one, Daviko!

Hah. That was some seriously shit trash talk, but I'll take it! Not bad for a pampered little rich boy!

Now bring it!

(They completely forgot they're fighting on Drake's side for this one, didn't they?)

Yaaaaaah!

Hah! You got us good!

You took us for all we have♡

We did spare your lives, but we can take those too, if you like.

Eep. Mary, she's scaring me!

Can you give her a break? Anne doesn't exactly have the thickest skin.

(Could've fooled me...)

Ah well, that's how it goes sometimes. Hey, little doll... I mean, Da Vinci.

Hm?

Mind if I tag along?

Not at all! ...You don't, right?

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Cool. Welp, later, Drake.

No more part-time work for me. I'm going back to my main gig.

Yeah, fair do's. We lost.

Go ahead and do whatever you want!

There you have it! Good to be back!

Hmph. You better do all the grunt work today to make up for this.

Yeah, yeah. Just for today, though!

... ...Oh.

I'm not entirely sure how it happened, but it looks like everything wrapped up nice and neat!

And now we just have one Holy Grail fragment left to go!

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... ...Hear that, Steggy? Let's keep it up!