Section Five: Lazy Things

You know, I've been giving it some thought...

...and I realized running a business that preys on people in trouble really isn't ethical.

So I've turned over a new leaf. From now on, I'll be working with you, not against you.

Together, I know we can kick all these bad guys out of our town.

And once we do, we can expand the fluffy ear café, "Mama's Ears," into a full-blown franchise!

Hey. Are we sure letting her join the team is a good idea?

Yeah, I think we'd all be a lot better off if we just sold her to the nearest circus.

Oh gosh, how could you say that!? That's fluffy earist, I'll have you know!

Hearing that sort of hate speech is as bad as punching a delicate flower like me in the face! I won't stand for it!

Yeah, you two, be nice. Obochin's one of us now.

She's a valuable member of the team, and she deserves to be treated as such.

Huh? Where's all that praise coming from? I don't disagree, of course, but even I'm kind of shocked.

Well, you know...

There's just something really nice about having you around.

Just stroking your ears like this makes all the stresses of the workday seem to melt away...

That sounds exactly like something an office worker would say to their pet after getting home for the day!

Khh... Although, I must admit... you're surprisingly good at this...

Hehehe. I didn't spend all that time taking care of Lady Myoubu for nothing.

So you like that, huh? I bet you do! I bet you do!

Th-that's not the point!

Be warned that I'm keeping close track of every last stroke, and I'll be billing you accordingly!

... ...

Master...could I speak to you for a moment?

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Please don't call me that.

At any rate, there's something I've been thinking about in regards to this world.

As I recall, Master, you said there have been times when you visited other worlds in your dreams.

Do you still think that is what is happening here?

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... ...

And then there's Sei Shounagon, who just showed up so suddenly.

What do you think could have summoned her here?

If this world really is some sort of dream... then whose dream could it be?

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...No, Master.

Even if I did manage to obtain a Holy Grail, I would never wish for a world like this.

Besides, I've heard that Servants don't have dreams...

...and my own experiences would seem to bear that out, as I have not dreamed once since I materialized.

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Ooh, what's going on here? Whatcha guys talking about?

Think little old me can get in on this action!? Wooo! It's talking time!

Oh my. Teehee, you're so silly, Nagiko.

But we're having a VERY important discussion here, so would you mind leaving us alone?

Hey, Chan-mas?

Why's Kaorucchi always giving me the cold shoulder?

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I can tell you that. It's 'cause people like us are fundamentally different from people like you.

(Does that mean he thinks he and I are cut from the same cloth!?)

Okay, okay, that's enough pointless chitchat.

We're almost at the next district now.

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Mmm, the scent of flowers is in the air. And there's no sign of violence or bloodshed anywhere.

Still, something about this place feels off to me.

There don't seem to be any men around...

Which is odd, as I'm quite certain we've seen men as part of couples and families in the other districts.

Maybe...the happily fulfilled guys all spontaneously combusted or something?

Oh man, that would be amazing.

...I take it this is your first time in this district?

Oh, there's a guy!

Yes, it is. May I ask who you are?

Just a moment there, Kaorucchi. Let me do the talking.

Please don't call me that.

Hey there, bro. From the looks of you, I'm guessing you're one of the lonelyhearts.

Every man here is. Not a single one of us has been able to get any chocolate.

And it's all thanks to those new things that are all the rage...

Ooh, opportunity alert! Those new things that are all the rage wouldn't happen to be...

Heroic☆Boyfriends

...would they?

You know about them, Obochin!?

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Yes, I've heard rumors about them. In fact...

I thought they were going to sell so well that I once came here to propose a collaboration with this district's admin.

But she turned me down flat, without so much as giving me the time of day.

Oh, look, over there. All those women have them.

Oh, yes. I've seen those before in someone's room back at Chaldea.

I believe they're called, um...body pillows?

What!? Those are pillows!? Well now you got my attention. I'm pretty picky about pillows since I literally wrote the book on them.

All right, let's see what these so-called body pillows are like...

... ...

Hmm... It looks like they're just large pillows with illustrations of half naked men on them.

Er, yes, that's basically what they are.

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That's right. Pictures of those hot guys are all the rage in this district right now!

Here, revived handsome heroes and historical figures from all ages gather as a story of the springtime of life unfolds at the local high school!

...At least, that's the plot of the weekly comic featuring them. It's got a bunch of merchandise perfectly tuned to its audience's desires that's given away for free to promote it.

Up against a multimedia assault like that, the people of this district probably never stood a chance.

Is that really how it works?

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Er, that's not quite my point. Matters of taste aside, it feels like this is all being taken way too far.

I'll say it is. Those hunky works of art have every woman here completely under their spell.

And there's no way we can compete with art.

I mean, they're art, and we're just regular guys, you know?

So that's why none of us have been able to get any chocolate anymore...

(Sigh) Looks like it's going to be another year of third-class citizen life for all of us...

This is horrible... Just horrible...

But this godlike consumer targeting didn't happen by accident. This...was the work of a pro.

Whoever this district's admin is, they're not gonna go down easy...

Haaa haaa! Hahahahaaa!

Wh-what was that!?

Don't tell me that was this district's admin laughing!?

(First Aoi...then Oboro...)

(I wonder who the third is going to be...)

That's right! That's exactly right! 3D husbandos are relics of the past!

The women of this district have transcended the need for exasperating real-life romance!

Thus begins the dawning of a new age!

The age of Heroic☆Boyfriends as invented by me, the great Yugao!

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Uh, I'm sorry, but you got it all chigawrong. My name's Yugao.

I would like an exchange, please!!! Or my money back!!!

Huh!? An exchange!? Why!? What're you talking about!?

O-oh, I'm sorry... You just, um, weren't quite who I was expecting, I mean, hoping for...

What's going on!? Who is that incredibly beautiful lady, and why is she being so hidoi to me!?

Oh, never mind! Lonelyheart Police!

There you are!

Go wipe the floor with those insolent outsiders trying to contaminate my district...

...then send them to the merch factory!

Oh, and also, I'm about to start work on my next draft, so don't worry about reporting back to me.

Seriously, I'm just gonna be SUPER isogashii, so make absolutely sure I'm not disturbed.

I still need four rare materials for now, and I'm gonna need seven more rares after that.

R-rare materials!? What could she possibly want with those!?

Oh man... Do you think she's using them to control people's minds?

P-probably not...

Um, hard labor isn't really my forte...

...so I'll just be over here with a cup of tea rooting for you all to win, 'kay♡

What do you think you're doing!? This isn't some school track-and-field day you can just watch from the sidelines!

Yeah, at least try to help us out here, will you!?

Knock knooock.

It's hard to believe anyone lives here. Couldn't you at least tidy the place up a bit?

I do like how she's clearly been so lavish with her spending, though.

What's going on!?

What are you all doing in here!?

Dunno what to tell you. We just kinda ended up here after the battle.

Oh come on! Nobody just "happens" to end up at a boss room!

Lady Yugao, was it? I'm very sorry for intruding like this.

I did suggest we at least ask for permission before coming inside, but to no avail...

Oh, please, don't worry about it, hehe. I do apologize for the mess.

...Is that what you expected me to say!? What were my Lonelyheart Police even doing out there!?

Wait. I recognize you two. You're admins from other districts!

What in the world are you doing with these clowns!?

Uh, I don't know. It just kind of...happened?

Um, I suppose I just got...swept up in the excitement?

So you both just go along with whatever and don't even think about it!? Ugh, people like you are the worst!

Hey, you.

You're the admin running this district, right?

Phew! Finally, a reasonable jumping off point! Thanks, bearded guy!

Th-that's right. I'm Yugao, the administrator in charge of this district!

I'm the hope of this very universe, here to free women and girls everywhere from the illusion that is real-life love!

I am the guardian of the innocent, the light that banishes the darkness, friend to women everywhere, and enemy to you lonelyhearts!

Oh please, you're obviously one of us. I just want to know what the hell you're doing as an admin.

Wh-whaaaaaa!?

Me, a lonelyheart!? I-I most certainly am not!

I read all of your Heroic☆Boyfriends comics on the way here.

About the shady elderly (student) gentleman who tried to ensnare the famous (student) detective in a cunning trap...

...only to find out that the famous (student) detective had been playing him the whole time. With the tables turned, the shady (student) gentleman goes on to

Stop! Stooop!

Please, no more summing up the plot out loud! Can we just do without that this time!?

What's she mean, "this time"?

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At any rate...

I don't know much about this genre, but I know quality when I see it. And this? This is quality.

You really need to be committed to draw a story this involved. You need the kind of tortured passion that lets you turn your back on everything else out there, so you can focus solely on your craft.

I see a lot of myself in you.

Nooooooooo!!! I don't want to be like yooou!!!

Now I get it.

...No, wait, I don't. Tell me what you're talking about, Beard-man.

Well, basically...

Yugao here wasn't intentionally trying to trap the men of this town in third-class citizen hell.

That was just a side effect of her real goal:

To get every woman in town into the stuff she's into and stop them from forming relationships.

Which means... It was the plan to eradicate all normies!

？！

(Sniff)... Waaaaaah!!! How did you figure it ouuut!?

Lonelyheart Poliiice! Get over here, nooow!

Now that you know my darkest secrets, I can't let you leave here alive.

No, seriously, I'm not kidding. You need to cut that crap out.

Now I need you to shindie kudaplease! Your bones will be the foundation on which I will build my dream world!

(Sniff) Guess this is it for my ambitions...

Heroic☆Boyfriends's serialization ends due to the author's sudden illness, huh? ...Guess that takes care of that.

Things should soon go back to normal here now that the supply has been cut off.

That being said...

It must be hard for these women too, knowing that they're inadvertently responsible for these men winding up as third-class citizens.

When you take that into consideration, providing entertainment doesn't seem like such a bad thing...

Right!? Finally, someone who gets me!

Of course there's nothing wrong with being creative! I'm so glad you understand!

I guess there is still hope for you, since when all was said and done, you were putting up an honest fight...

...but I don't know how many people here are going to remember Heroic☆Boyfriends now that they have their freedom back.

Gaaah!

Entertainment is meant to be enjoyed freely, not as pure escapism.

When you get right down to it, it's this city and its twisted rules that are the problem. I can't let things keep going on like this.

I'm going to do whatever it takes to get rid of Valentine's Day for good!

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Be that as it may...

...I also can't help but feel a bit sad at the thought of a story being forgotten.

... ...

Come on, cheer up already!

Bwuh!?

It didn't look to me like you were cutting any corners. You really put your heart and soul into that comic, right?

And if I could tell that much, I'm sure there are other people out there who could, too!

D-do you...really think so?

Sure I do. And whoever those other people are, they're not gonna forget about it anytime soon.

See what I mean?

... ...

W-well sure, I knew that.

Yes...you may be right.

The whole reason certain stories are remembered by future generations is because they were beloved to begin wi

Wahaha, loosen up, Kaorucchi! We don't need a research paper about it!

If you really, truly love something, then it doesn't matter if you let it go.

'Cause it'll never be gone for good!

Nagiko...?

Hm?

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Whoa, Chan-mas, that's a lot of questions.

Wahaha, is this your way of saying you want to get to know me better?

If that's what you want, we could always start dating.

P-please, be serious for once!

This is more important than anything!!! Why did you

Um...

Since you're all talking about something else now, I'm just gonna head back home, okay?

Oh, yeah. We still need to figure out what to do about you, don't we, Gatty?

Gatty!? Where'd that come from!?

You're not planning on taking her home with us, are you? Are you sure you can look after two pets?

Teehee, you say that as if she's already keeping one.

You worry too much! Here, have a friendship chocolate!

Bam! Now you're my friend!

Huh!? Why!?

Wait, what are you doing? Don't try to force-feed me that thing!

Beardie! Hold Gatty down for me, will you!?

You got it!

Gyaaah!

Come on, just look at us. We're both Japan-themed, so we're totally birds of a feather, right? We obviously have a lot in common!

That's why I know you and I'll be great friends, Gatty!

Are you nuts!? We don't have ANYTHING in common! Not one solitary thing!

Aaaaaahhh!!!