Corpse

So, where should I begin?

The primary characters here are Master, me, Wu Zetian, Kriemhild, and...

Right, right. That old guy.

It's a mysterious, frightening tale, and it's not going to be at all pleasant to hear.

But hey, this kinda stuff is a big part of summer.

So this probably counts as a ghost story.

Let's see... Right, I remember now.

It all began at that haunted house when someone found a real dead body.

Hmm...

Hmm.

You do understand that humming won't solve anything, yes?

I mean, yeah, but what else can we do right now?

Indeed.

I have certainly employed a number of clever tricks in this haunted house...

...but none should have resulted in an actual corpse.

And that's not the only reason this dead body is strange.

For one thing, there aren't any normal humans here, correct?

No, there are not.

We are at one of the world's poles. No humans have ever lived here. We should not be seeing any now.

？！

Correct. It would have disappeared at the moment of death.

Yeah. Thought so.

So this can't have been a Servant. Hmm.

Well then, we may as well ask: Who killed him?

...

Oh my. At a loss for words now? Everyone suspicious of each other?

...Ah, no. You're all suspicious of me, aren't you?

Naturally. I was all but certain you were up to something devious once again.

So I thought I might expedite matters by cutting off your head first and letting Master ask questions later.

Stop that, Kriemhild! You're sounding too much like Ushiwakamaru!

You can't just decapitate someone on a whim! Learn to calm yourself!

And, for the record, I'm a perfectly harmless fiftyish gentleman who only stopped by to see the haunted house!

So?

And do stop brushing off my well-reasoned arguments by just saying, "So?" if you would be so kind.

In any case, I am entirely innocent. I don't even have a motive to have committed this crime.

A motive, huh...

I know all about how motives can be tacked on after the fact.

And I also know that sometimes people kill simply because they have the opportunity.

That is only further proof of my innocence.

When I kill someone, it's only ever as part of an intricate, carefully considered plan.

Why, I would never just leave a corpse lying around like this! This presentation...no sense of aesthetics to it! None!

？！

What is it, Master? Why do you still look suspicious?

？！

Ohh, I get it.

By doing something you'd usually never do, like leave your victim's body lying around, you throw suspicion off yourself.

Exactly the sort of thing a devious villain would do. Right, Professor?

Why are you so focused on me here, Yan Qing?

Oh, that's a toughie.

Why would I not be? We're both Shinjuku alums, so to speak.

Khh! Why couldn't my Shinjuku self have chosen someone else instead!?

？！

Oh, right. I suppose I never told you, did I?

From what I've gathered, it seems that my Shinjuku self...

...chose a number of other combat-capable Servants besides Yan Qing there.

In particular, there was a compound Phantom Spirit optimized for direct strikes who made it to the final round.

Ultimately, however, he chose Yan Qing there (along with his doppelgänger ability) for his willingness to use underhanded techniques.

...And how that Phantom Spirit must loathe you for it, my dear Yan Qing.

Hold on.

Why am I getting all the hate when you're the one who picked me!?

I don't even remember who you're talking about!

Oh, I understand that, but for whatever reason it seems that resentment is, in fact, directed at you.

Apparently, not even my Shinjuku self had any idea why. It seems it was all very strange to him.

"Apparently"..."It seems"... Is there anything you actually KNOW here?

Are you nitwits done digressing yet?

NitNo, good point. We don't have time for stupid tangents now, do we?

You're right, I was being a nitwit. I'm sorry.

Returning to the matter of the corpse. We don't know who killed him, why, or even how.

... ...We don't, right?

？！

Why do you all sound so unsure? Well, never mind.

Let us stop wasting time and get to the heart of the matter right now!

There is no point dwelling on what we do not know. The problem here...

The REAL problem here...

...is the damage this corpse is going to cause to my haunted house's reputation if word of it gets out!

So what do we do about that!? I'll tell you!

We need to get rid of the body. Well, Professor?

... ...Um, Wu Zetian?

Why are you looking at me like that? And why are you speaking so sweetly to me?

Because I want you to think of a way to dispose of the body. Was that not obvious?

Well... I certainly could if I wanted to, but... Hmm...

Hang on.

Is it just me, or are we missing something much more fundamental?

...I feel like we are, too.

But I also don't think there's any point in stressing over things we're missing, even if they are fundamental things.

So let's change gears.

Man, nothing fazes you, huh?

So, what are you going to do about...this? Dispose of it in secret, right?

... ...No, we shouldn't do that.

Huh?

I get the feeling that would be a really bad idea.

...I can't explain why, though.

... ...True, I suppose you're right.

？！

Well, what DO we do with it then? Hang it up as a decoration?

Oh.

... ...Ahh, now I see.

Indeed, I think that's a wonderful idea!

Did you just figure something out, Professor?

Oh, no, not at all. Teeheehee.

Yikes.

Creepy.

No one who calls himself the Napoleon of crime should ever giggle like that.

I very nearly called over one of my Torturers to lop your head off.

My word! A most disproportionate response!

？！

Hngh. So much for that.

Well, to get straight to the point, this body is a type of Mystic Code.

Huh!?

All this time, we've been like the blind men and the elephant in the story.

Think about it. Shouldn't our very first thought have been to ask WHO this person was?

!!!

Damn. Now that you mention it...yeah. It should've been.

Ugh. I cannot help but be disappointed in myself. That did not even cross my mind until you brought it up.

Yeah... Who did this body belong to? No... What IS it, even?

That's what I WANTED to find out, but you all wouldn't let me.

Now I see. So that's what that was about. Sorry. Now, figure out a solution. Hurry up.

That apology rings somewhat less than sincere.

But, all right. Putting aside this sad excuse for a comedy routine...

What we have here seems to be a corpse, or at least something very like a human corpse.

So perhaps we should seek the assistance of an expert in humanoid creatures?

Ugh, what a pain...

C'mon, Grandpa, don't be like that. Decrepit monsters gotta look out for each other.

I suppose soWait a moment. Are you suggesting that he and I are both decrepit monsters?

You're lumping me in with him!?

Fine, fine. Let's see what this talisman looks like, then.

Hmm. I can tell he uses the same sort of Taoist arts I do, but his are much older.

Not to mention that mine are optimized for beating and controlling undead spirits.

Very well then, let us see what he's got.

Yan Qing.

Hm?

Catch.

O-okay. Aah!

So, uhh...why am I glowing?

The glow you're giving off should lead you to the corpse's rightful place.

Which makes you

The quest beacon.

Geez, blunt much!? But fine, I'll do it!

？！

Quit making it sound like I'm Diarmuid! But, eh, what the hell. I've already come this far.

Guess I might as well keep going!

(Singing under her breath to the tune of a certain carol) ♪ Yan Qing the Rain-BOW Gang-STER... ♪

You guys are coming along, too?

Of course we are. We cannot just forget about this. I must know who, or what, that dead body is.

What she said.

It has nothing to do with this being one of the most fascinating things I've yet seen.

You know, for a couple of monarchs, you two aren't very good at putting on airs.

Remember, we do this in the pursuit of justice.

？！

Oh my, I'm so embarrassed.

Okay, so apparently this glow I've got going on should show us where to go...

Damn, did it really need to be THAT flashy!?

Come on! After it!

Whoa, something's glowing! Oh, look! It's Yan Qing! Ahahahaha!

You already stand out in a crowd, Yan Qing. You didn't have to put on a friggin' light show to get attention.

You look like the lights on a nerd's gaming rig.

Bro! You're so...flashy! Damn, that's awesome! Wish I could pull that look off!

You're shining...almost as brightly as me!

Seeing it on someone else for a change, though, I daresay it may be a bit too bright, hm? I suppose it just goes to show how sinful beauty can be!

Hahahaha, this is so nuts I'm actually starting to enjoy it!

？！

Good day, everyone. What can I, the culprit, do for you?

... ...You there. The glowing one.

What in the world are you doing?

That dead body back there. Was that your doing?

It was.

I couldn't see the sense in having a haunted house without a real dead body...

...so I was kind enough to leave one there as a gift for the management.

You have a uniquely awful sense for gift-giving!

What's the problem? No one knows who it is. Nobody will even think twice about it.

It's no different from the countless other nondescript corpses we've all left in our wakes.

Isn't that right, everyone?

Ugh, you are insufferable! This is exactly what I'd expect from myself before I'd ever actually killed anyone.

So...are you saying that corpse isn't real?

Of course it's not.

It's comprised solely of matterordinary matter that can be found all over this planet.

Yeah? Well that's good to hear. We definitely don't want any victims if we can help it.

Right?

However.

What you did still tarnished an innocent human's dignity.

Things would've been different if that had been Moriarty's dead body, but it wasn't.

So you're still not getting off the hook this time.

...That makes no sense. Are you forgetting that there are no actual victims here?

Oh, very well. I suppose this is a matter of a Heroic Spirit's pride, hm?

Right, so I'm going to beat this guy's ass, but what about you two?

...Pass.

I'll watch.

So, you've decided you're not qualified. Isn't that right, Yan Qing?

Damn straight it is.

It wouldn't be right for either of you to fight for some nameless human.

That sort of stuff falls to a vigilante like me

？！

Hell yeah, Master!

All right then, let's get this battle to avenge a soulless lump of meat started!

Hmm. I still don't understand it...

But, if a fight will satisfy you, then I'll have to beat you at your own game, I suppose.

I trust you're prepared for that, vigilante?

You know it!

Hmm, I see. I'm still not convinced, but I do understand now.

I forswear toying with the dead, even imitation dead.

Hmph.

You'll never end up like the older you if you keep that up.

There is no need for that.

I'll become the kind of Napoleon of crime I wish to be. Just wait. You'll see.

He is not my future goal. Just a reminder of what not to aim for.

... ...

Is this...my rebellious phase!?

Rebelling against yourself, huh? That's pretty hard-core.

You bumbling blockhead Baba Yaga.

Oho, that rolls off the tongue nicely. You bumbling blockhead Baba Yaga!

Please keep quiet, Your Majesties.

...Hmmm... Eh, whatever!

？！

Perhaps you'll become an even more irredeemable villain than me. Maybe even a hero or something.

Either way, I look forward to seeing it!

Heh. Laugh while you can.

But I'm telling you now, I'm never going to end up the butt of a joke like you!

I don't see you escaping that, but best of luck.

I was just thinking the same.

Me too.

？！

Whatever happened to camaraderie, my comrades!?

Well, just you wait, Master! You'll be sorry once you see how cool I end up!

And so, the case was closed. Our culprit? The usual suspect, but younger.

Oh hey, the glow's gone.

I can't say I care for that "usual suspect" remark...

But, I suppose I can't blame you, either!

Now we've just gotta give that dead guy a proper burial.

He might not have had a name or a soul, but a corpse is still a corpse.

... ...

... ...

Remind me, Yan Qing.

We DID see a dead body here, yes?

Yeah, we did.

And we came straight back here after dealing with Moriarty, correct?

Right.

So...why is the body gone?

Good question...

Maybe someone already buried it?

Let's see if any nearby Servants saw anything...

Well?

I asked my staff as well, and none of them have any idea where it went.

I found out one thing.

Apparently, someone saw a person they didn't recognize walking very unsteadily away from here.

...So, does that mean

I see three possibilities.

One: a Caster who knows how to manipulate corpses decided to move him for some reason.

Two: the person they didn't recognize was someone else entirely, and a different person got rid of the corpse.

Three: the person they didn't recognize was the corpse, and it somehow got up and started walking on its own.

...

？！

Well, perhaps

It got its hands on a soul?

...That would be the logical conclusion, yes.

Of course, we have no idea how, or who, could have done that...

Well, in a way, we Servants are kind of like dead people walking, too.

Maybe that body somehow found a soul, or one just came into existence.

'Course, now that the Singularity's been resolved, we'll never know what it was thinking, or how it ended up walking around on its own.

？！

So this probably counts as a ghost story.

The story of how an artificial corpse somehow got a soul.

Since the Singularity is gone, and the body with it, the case is technically closed, but...

If it were still alive...it'd make for one hell of a mystery.

Hey, you there! What the hell are you doing out here!?

What do you think, Master?

Pretty chilling story, right? Perfect for summer.