Section Two: Wretched Things

A Servant? As in with a capital "S"? What's that?

Uh...

I know my memories are all kind of fuzzy...

And I have no idea why I'm here in this foreign country I've never seen before...

But it's not like any of that's slowing me down, so who cares!? Wahaha!

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It's not that, Master. She just isn't thinking. About anything.

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I'm afraid not, Master.

I've tried to use it numerous times, but it seems like it just doesn't work in this world.

Maybe the fact that it's a dreamworld has something to do with it...

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I swear, all those times it showed up just when I didn't want it to, and now that we could use it, it's nowhere to be seen...

(Sigh) I really do need to train more...

Hey, hey!

So what should I call you two?

You know a lot about me from when I was still writing as Sei Shounagon. Have we met before or something?

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My name is Kaoruko! I'm just an ordinary college student who loves to read!

I only knew about you because I happened to have read "The Pillow Book" once! I-I-I've never actually met you before!

I-i-isn't that right, Master!?

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Is that so...?

U-ulp...

Kaoruko... Kaoruko... I've got it. I'm gonna call you Kaorucchi.

Kaoru...cchi?

And you, Master, are gonna be Chan-mas!

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Kaorucchi... Kaorucchi... So I'm Kaorucchi, huh...

Okay, you two, we're here! Welcome to our hideout.

Oh, I guess you can come along too if you want, high school girl. Just make sure you stand in the corner quietly and don't try any funny business, all right?

Why're you being so mean to me? What'd I ever do to you?

You mean besides the jump kick to the face!? Just be glad we're not tying you up and throwing you in the back with the rest of the dangerous animals!

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Just a little bar we started hanging out in after the owner ran away and abandoned it.

I can't serve alcohol to minors, of course, but otherwise, feel free to make yourselves at home.

Ooh, dibs on the sofa!

Hey Beardie, can I get a nice cold soda over here?

For one thing, you're getting WAY too comfortable. For another, don't call me "Beardie."

Oh, come to think of it, I never did introduce myself, did I?

Right... Ahem. Nice to meet you, you two. You can call me Higekuro.

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Higekuro...?

Some people around here think I'm some kind of delinquent middle-aged man, but we've agreed to disagree about that.

Me and my colleagues here have taken it upon ourselves to do battle with real bad guys. We're basically the chosen warriorsthe last guardians, if you will.

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Huh? Pirates? What are you on about? Who's heard of pirates lubbing it up on land? Nobody, that's who!

I guess this Lord Teach really is a different person from the Lord Teach at Chaldea.

So what about you two? What's your story? Thanks to our scuffle, I can tell you know your way around a fight.

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Huh... So you came here from another world, did you?

We talking getting spirited away? Isekai'd? Using your modern-day knowledge to give your ordinary ass all sorts of advantages in this new world?

That sort of thing popular in your world lately or something?

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Really? Humanity's something else, eh? Can't believe we've been fighting culture wars for that long...

Anyway, don't worry, I'm familiar with these kind of stories. It's just like a summer fling, only with adventure instead of romance, right?

So, if we take you at your word...

...then I guess that means you aren't working with them.

Hey, Beardie. Beardie. Beardie!

Huh? Weren't you listening to me? Didn't you hear me introducing myself?

Who is this "them" you last guardians (lol) are fighting?

Do they have anything to do with why you brought us here?

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That's right. Now that I've seen how strong you guys are, I want to ask for your help.

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First off, this city's divided into five districts.

Each district is run by an administrator, and let me tell you, these admins are all real pieces of work.

They all run around doing whatever the hell they please like they own the place, not just run it.

The worst part is...they don't even see us as human.

If they did, they'd never be capable of such cruelty!

Oh my, that sounds terrible. What did they do, Lord Higekuro?

(Ahh, Kaorucchi... You're like an angel come down from the heavens...)

They came up with a seriously messed up custom, is what.

And we can't get rid of it on our own, which is why we need your help.

Our goal is to rid the world of the most twisted holiday ever...

Valentine's Day!!!

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Oh, yeah, I know what that is. I don't know WHY I know, but I know I know, you know?

Valentine's Day is a holiday where girls take chocolate and...

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Uh...throw it in the face of the guy they like to challenge them to a duel. Yeah.

And since it's all dishonorable to refuse one of these duels, the guys gotta choose to either kill their opponent or love them forev

Stop. Just...stop.

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Besides, we already know what Valentine's Day is! That has nothing to do with why we were speechless!

Yeah, I only wish things were that easy. No, Valentine's Day here involves

, !!!

Huh... Anyone else hearing that commotion outside?

It sounds like some sort of argument... What would you like to do, Master?

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Wait! Valentine's is still a ways away, right!?

I promise I'll find some chocolate before the fourteenth! Please, I just need a little more time!

Hahahaha! Do you really expect us to believe that!?

You had a whole year to prepare for this day! If you couldn't attract anyone by now, you never will!

Exactly, losers!

The only thing guys like you are good for is doing whatever guys like us tell them to!

What's with those guys? They're being real jerkfaces.

Those guys...are the Lonelyheart Police.

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They track down poor saps who don't get any chocolate and punish them.

As far as guys like us are concerned, they're basically grim reapers.

I, um... Oh goodness, I don't even know what to ask about first, but for the moment...

What does this punishment involve?

In this city, it's a crime to be unpopular and single. If you can't attract a girl, no chocolate for you.

And any guy who fails to get himself some chocolate by February 14 is sentenced to being a Lonelyheart:

A third-class citizen who has to pay heavy taxes, undertake forced back-breaking labor, and is subject to all kinds of restrictions on their livelihoods!

And they have to live through that hell for at least a year!

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Oof... That got me right in the feels. I'm so glad you understand. If I didn't know better, I'd swear you and I've known each other for years.

Uh, but I digress.

Rumor even has it that every year, some poor saps are taken to the central district, where they're never seen again.

That's just what life is like here in this city... And now, you know the truth about Valentine's Day.

Gotcha.

Well then, I'm gonna go greet them with a dynamic entry: flying kick to the face.

W-wait!

Just because we now know what's going on in this city doesn't mean we should just rush in! It could be dangerous.

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!

Heh. Now that's what I'm talking about. I knew you and I were birds of a feather.

There's just something about arrogant holier-than-thou types that really makes you wanna throw hands!

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All right, I understand. We certainly can't stand back and do nothing when we see someone in trouble!

If this is what you've decided, Master, then I'll be with you every step of the way!

Higekuro! You didn't have to stick your neck out just for me!

Don't worry about it. We're comrades in arms, right?

There's not much time left till Valentine's Day, so we've all gotta stay on the chocolate prowl.

Higekuro!

If there's a girl you've got your eye on, just keep lavishing her with attention until you creep her the hell out. Do that, and you can't fail!

Yeah... You're right! Okay, I'll give it a shot!

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Also, what's a chocolate prowl, anyway?

Phew... Thank goodness we managed to save that poor man.

Though if what you've said is true, Lord Higekuro, it would seem that is a common occurrence here.

Yeah, it is... All I want to do is help those poor lonelyhearts out.

That's why me and my boys have been going around stealing chocolate from normies with plenty to spare...

...and sneaking it over to the lonelyhearts.

But that's just putting a Band-Aid on a bullet wound, so to speak.

We need to take down Valentine's Day for good, or late-blooming gents like us'll never have a shot at a happy ending.

So while I doubt you can turn back at this point, let me ask you again anyway:

Will you help us?

Master, I don't have any evidence I can point to in order to support this hypothesis...

But my intuition is telling me that for this city to have reached this point...

...there must be something here that's responsible for twisting the world in this way.

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Yes, I think so.

So if we can find the Holy Grail's owner...

...and take the Grail into our own custody...

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...Lord Higekuro.

We would be glad to help you free this city from the clutches of this Valentine tyranny!

Yeah? I'm thrilled to hear that.

'Course, I knew that anyone with eyes as clear and pure as you two would have to be good people.

Not to mention you actually bothered to hear what we had to say even when we'd only just met... (Sniff)

Whoops, sorry 'bout that! No tears of joy for me until we've won this battle for good.

All right then, from now on, we'll all work together to kick those smarmy jerks out of our city!

Heh... Not so fast.

I just came up with a brilliant idea that'll solve aaall our problems! Wanna hear?

Nope. Not interested.

Why not?

'Cause whatever it is, I can already tell it's gonna be anything but brilliant.

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Heh... Hehe...

Glad to see someone here gets it, Chan-mas. I give you extra affinity points for that☆

Gag!

All right, Beardie, hear me out.

Stop calling me "Beardie" already!

I'll admit, this city's way of celebrating Valentine's Day is seriously jacked...

...but what if WE were able to take advantage of that?

I see. And how would we go about this?

According to this city's rules, it doesn't matter who you get chocolate from as long as you get it from someone.

Which means...

...all we have to do is make a bunch of chocolate and hand it out to all the lonelyhearts ourselves!

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... ...

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What? You all so blown away by my genius idea that you're at a loss for words or something?

That's right. Once everyone's got chocolate of their own, they'll all get to live ultra happily ever after.

And that's before you get into the bonus happiness of getting it from a beautiful babe like myself.

It's perfect! Completely foolproof! This way, anyone and everyone can be happy!

Anyway, that being said...

How come you're all facepalming like there's no tomorrow?

I knew you weren't the sharpest tool in the shed, but I didn't think you couldn't even do basic math...

You calling me stupid or something?

Handing out chocolate of our own is all well and good in theory...

...but where are we supposed to get that much chocolate in the first place?

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...Oh, yeah.

That is not a helpful answer.

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Frankly, no. Chocolate is an extremely precious resource for guys like us.

The only ones in this entire city who can get their hands on it are the women who live here.

Ugh, what a waste of time that idea turned out to be! I knew we should never have listened to her! Hmph!

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Putting aside how happy it may or may not make everyone, that idea is useless without actual chocolate.

And seeing how chocolate neither grows on trees nor rains down from the sky, where are we supposed to get that much

Boss! Sorry to interrupt you, Boss, but

It's an emergency!

We've got a golem!!!

Yeaaah!!!

Keep your voices down, dammit! What's the big idea!?

You've all seen golems before, right? Just gang up on it and it shouldn't be a problem.

Y-ye don't understand, Boss... This ain't a normal golem.

It's way bigger, an' stronger, an' it's got a color I ain't never seen before.

So we thought maybe, jus' maybe, it's the legendary

!!!

Chocolate...Golem...!

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Um, I suppose I should ask what sort of creature it is we're talking about?

The Chocolate Golem's a legendary golem that's said to only appear once every few hundred years. I never thought I'd get the chance to see one for myself...

True, if we can find a way to defeat it, that oughta give us plenty of chocolate to work with.

But if the rest of the legend is also true... that would mean it's a powerful Demonic chocolate!

Dammit! If only we had a way to combat it!

All right, I see how it is.

Looks like this is my time to shine then.

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I, um... I suppose I'd better get going then...

Whoooa. I didn't even know you could have this much chocolate in one place!

Yes, well, with a name like "Chocolate Golem"...

...I would honestly have been more shocked if it dropped anything that wasn't chocolate...

Hot damn, Kaorucchi, I can't believe how easily you took down a Demonic creature. Thank goodness I'm not Demonic myself.

Then again, seeing how opposites attract and all, maybe we'd end up happily ever after if I WAS Demonic...?

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Whoops. I was so overcome by her beauty that I almost forgot myself.

Anyway, now that we've got all this chocolate, we should be able to hand it out to every guy in town!

And when Valentine's Day comes and goes without any third-class citizens, it oughta bring down the admins' reign once and for all!

Heh... Does that mean we're doing this?

Yeah, it does.

We're going along with your stupid plan after all!

All right! Now that that's settled, let's all pitch in to make enough chocolate for everyone!

We're all in on the hijinks now! Yeaaah!

Aw yeaaah!

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I'm sorry, um... I don't really feel comfortable in that sort of atmosphere.

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In her case...

...I think she was probably meant to be summoned as a Caster.

But since she was summoned as a class that doesn't suit her, that might be why she's so, um, free-spirited.

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N-not necessarily! That's only a guess on my part! Nothing certain!

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Master, I...

Before I served Lady Shoushi, the Empress, I used to serve Lady Rinshi.

It was during that time that I first saw Sei Shounagon back in the palace.

But she, well...

I don't think she so much as looked my way.

Not that I can blame her, for I had yet to write anything of note at the time...

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Her world was so entirely different from mine. She was so strong and seemed to sparkle with energy...

She was also proud to a fault, immodest, and so spiteful it almost seemed to seep out of her pores...

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But...

This Sei Shounagon doesn't quite fit the image I always had of her.

I can't say why that is, though perhaps it's due to her class. At any rate...

Master.

Writers like Lord Andersen, Lord Shakespeare, and even myself...

We write because it's the only way we know how to live.

I especially don't see how anyone who owes their becoming a Heroic Spirit to their accomplishments as a writer could put down their pen so easily.

So I can't help but wonder what could have caused her to

Hey hey.

Eeeeeek!

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Beardie and his gang said they wanted to bring the chocolate mountain back to their hideout, so I came to get you two.

What's up, Kaorucchi? Something on your mind?

N-no, it's nothing. Come, Master, let's go help them.

You heard the lady, Chan-mas!

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Wha... What are you doing!? You're standing much too close to him!

Aww, what's the matter, Kaorucchi? You jelly?

All right, don't worry. I won't leave you hanging.

Why are you linking arms with me now!?

There! Now we can all go back together like the besties we are!

Th-that's what you meant by "jelly"!? Because I can assure you, that's not it at all!

Hey! Are you listening to me!? Please, stop pulling me!