Team Formation: The Fran Show -Philosophy Edition-

Uhhh... (Special Translation: Hooot...)

Uuuh...uhhh. (Don't wanna...move...)

Uhhh... (AC...bad... Electricity...bad...)

Uunh... (Hate...summer...)

Uhhh... (Too...hot...can't...think...)

Uhhhhhh...! Uuuuh!

(Whyyy is it so hooot? What'd an artificial life-form like me ever do to deserve this?

Humanity, the world, peace, love. They're all things you can't see, but you can still feel their effects.

Well, I guess humanity obviously exists, but you still can't see it as a collective entity.

You should think about individual humans separately. That is, everyone's special in their own way.

There's only one of me... Or am I wrong...?)

Uhh... (It's so hot my vision's starting to go blurry.)

Uhh... (There's an AC in Master's room...)

Uuu... (Conserving electricity is very, very important...)

Uhh... (But Master is also important, and he needs AC.)

Uh! (Okay, I'm going to go cool off!)

Uhh? (A flyer?)

Uhhh... (A car race?)

Uhhh... (What's this all about...)

Ahem, ahem.

"Good day, innocent artificial life-form. I am an anonymous, glorious, glamorous, magnificent, beautiful, magnanimous goddess of the planet Venus."

Uh. (So many adjectives... And aren't "glamorous" and "beautiful" just about the same thing?)

HEY! You know, with my Goddess Power™ I can tell what you're saying! What's wrong with putting some extra emphasis on my beautiful beauty?

...Ahem.

"Heed my wooords... You must compete in the race, for the howling winds will cool your poor body."

"And if you succeed in repairing the Singularity, Master will be sure to praise you handsomely..."

"Goodbye overheating, hello cool breeze. Now, go and find yourself a race car right away."

Uhh... (Honestly, I know you're up to something.)

Uh! (But you don't seem like you mean Master any harm.)

Uhh. (So I'll go along with whatever it is.)

Wh-what do you mean? I'm not up to anything. Now go put on a swimsuit and fix that Singularity!

Oh, but you'll need a vehicle and a partner!

Uh, uuh...uh. (I think I know where I could find both.)

Great!

Okay, I'll let you take it from here. Just bring your entry form to Fujimaru when you're ready!

Uhh! (Okay, bye now.)

...Uh. (Okay, first off...I'd better look for a partner.)

Hahahahaha! Sorry, we've already entered with Helena!

What are you doing, you mangy plebeian!?

The race is almost upon us! We need to get this machine working tonight even if it kills us!

That does it. I'm going ahead and using alternating current here. We'll get far more power that way.

Don't do it, Tesla. Using alternating current there would cause all of Chaldea to blow up.

How do I know that? Because I purposefully set it up that way!

You mangy plebeian! I'll kill you!

Bring it on, you half-witted eccentric! I've got a billiard ball sandwich with your name on it!

Oh yeah? I wonder what Tamamo Cat will say when she hears about that!

That's playing dirty, you fiend! She has nothing to do with this, and you know it!

Agh, enough! Just shut up already! Shut up!

Ugh... (Well, that was a bust...)

Uh... Uhhh. (There's only one other persmachine I can ask...)

Ugh... (But, I really didn't want to ask him...)

Ugh... (I guess it's now or never...)

Fshh... Fshh...

Uhh!

...Hm, you're Victor's girl, aren't you? What do you want?

The last I heard, all of Chaldea's staff and Servants told me:

"Please, we need you to go somewhere...anywhere else during the summer. With all that steam, you make everywhere you go into a sauna."

"It's worse than the humidity in Japan. It's so bad we have to wear swimsuits all the time."

"We could deal with that if it was just Master, but Blackbeard keeps staring at us, like, a lot, so..."

Which is why I have stolen away to London to play with stray cats and stray Jack.

Uhh!

Blah blah, blah de blah...

I see. So you need a racing vehicle and a partner. Very well, I will help you with the latter.

...However, there is still one rather significant problem.

I presume you wish to take part in this race in order to beat the heat, but if I am close by, you will almost certainly be hotter than ever.

That, of course, would completely defeat the purpose.

Uuh. (Nods)

Hahahaha! You seem to be in something of a predicament!

Uh!?

Who are you?

I am... Hmm, how should I go about this... Ah yes.

You may call me...Professor M!

Ugh!

Well, Professor M, Victor's girl doesn't seem to trust you.

Oh come now, why not!? She should be all but swooning over the mysterious, devilishly dapper gentleman!

Uuugh.

My esteemed colleague finds that prospect highly dubious. As do I.

Phooey.

Now, what do you want, professor? Not that your identity is anything of a mystery at this point.

Wouldn't it be faster and easier to just tell us your True Name and spare us the pretense?

Gentlemen so devilishly dapper as I must always fulfill certain obligations.

At any rate, young lady, you seem to be in need of a racing vehicle!

Uh.

Indeed she is. I have agreed to be her partner, but without a vehicle, that does us no good.

And the two great Heroic Spirits who shine brightest in unpredictable circumstances like these...

...namely Thomas Edison and Nikola Tesla, have already joined Helena Blavatsky's team.

Even if I were to start making a steam-powered vehicle right now, without their help...

Hehehe, what a pity.

Given your engineering skills, financial muscle, and management capabilities, there is indeed little hope of you finishing a vehicle in time for the race!

I hate to admit it, but you're right.

However!

With my assistance, you may banish all doubts and concerns!

Uh?

Uh?

Heh, I can assure you that with me involved, your search for both a suitable vehicle and partner will go as smoothly as the perfect crime.

Of course, I expect to be fairly compensated, but don't worry; I won't be so cruel as to take you for all the pair of you possess.

...A moment if you would, professor.

By all means.

(Whisper, whisper) Uuh.

(Whisper) Yes, it's clear he has some sort of ulterior motive.

(Whisper) But whatever it is, I expect it would only become a concern were we to win.

(Whisper) Given that your goals are to cool off and help Master, I don't believe his plan should pose any problem for the time being.

(Whisper) Uhh...

(Whisper) And the fact is, we have no choice but to accept his help if we're to compete at all.

(Yawn) I don't suppose you could hurry it along a bit? It really is rather hot in your vicinity.

Uh.

Well then, what is your answer!?

... ...

Hm?

Please...

Help...

Hahaha! I must commend you for taking the trouble to speak! I know it is difficult for you with your Madness Enhancement! Very well then, I shall gladly offer my

Papa.

...

It hit me...like a proverbial ton of bricks. It made me realize like nothing had before...

...just how powerful and beautiful words can truly be.

...Yes, I must confess... It was the first time I ever shed a tear.

That single word made me feel as though I had lived a full life. A decent, upstanding life...

Fran.

Uh?

Just leave everything to Papa. I promise I will do all that is within my power to help you win!

Uh!

Hahahaha! A daughter! I have a daughter!

...Are you sure about this?

Uh.

You were...just following the procedure in that book "Evil Servants and You: A Survivor's Guide" that Chaldea gave us?

Let me see...

"When girls within a specific age range refer to SA156, commonly called "Professor," as "Papa," SA156 may respond by harming others in the vicinity."

"However, under no circumstances will SA156 harm the girl in question. If the subject is engaged in preparing an "evil scheme" (see Appendix E)..."

"...the girl will generally have an opportunity to negotiate with them, thereby neutralizing the threat posed for a variable duration (see Appendix J). If the threat has been neutralized, contact a Master..."

...and have them use a Command Spell to effect total sealing of the SA156 instance."

I see. Now it all makes sense.

So, professor.

Yes? What can this proud new Papa do for you?

Regarding our vehicle. I assume you have something in mind.

Ah, right you are! The vehicle! I will have it ready in a jiffy!

Uuh♪

That soon...?

Hahaha, it's wonderful to see you in such high spirits, Fran!

Incidentally, Mr. Babbage: How much do you know about hypnotism?

Hypnotism, hmm? As a man devoted to steamcraft, I cannot say I ever had any use for it.

I see. However, there are many inventors in this world who are not overly scrupulous. Take this conversation I overheard in the cafeteria the other day, for example:

"I wonder what it would be like if Babbage could transform, like one of those robots?" "An excellent observation indeed, Mr. Edison."

"First he could go 'whrrr clank clank'..." "Yeah, and then this could turn here, and that could turn here!"

"And before you know it!" "He could end up like this!"

...This rather enthusiastic conversation was eventually supplemented by several diagrams and illustrations.

I found the idea of creating a new transformation for you to be a fascinating one, so I investigated it further in between carrying out my duties.

...I have a very bad feeling about this.

And I succeeded.

Uh!?

What? But surely I would remember if you modified me like... Ah.

That's right. The blue bird of happiness was calling from within all along!

And to prevent you from realizing it before now, I hypnotized you to erase your memories.

Voilà! The perfect crime!

So. This is what astonishment feels like.

Uuh!?

Now then, Babbage, let us begin.

Steam Trance-Formation!

Goodness me. I really had no idea I could transform like this.

I can't say I approve of you erasing my memories without my knowledge, but at the same time I cannot complain about this particular function.

...This should provide a great racing experience for her as well.

Not for nothing I am called the king of logic. With the three of us together, our victory is assur

Ouch! Why did you do that to your papa, Fran!?

Uhh!

...It seems she is upset with you on my behalf for modifying me without my permission.

I'm sorry, please forgive me, I implore you! (Dogeza)

Uh!

She says "You should never have done that, but I forgive you."

Ah, what a relief!

Now then, Fran, Babbage. Remember that we are dealing with that no-good goddess.

There is no doubt whatsoever that there is more going on here than merely fixing a Singularity, but we can blow right past that as long as we win this race!

Uhh!

So? How's the participant list looking?

It's going well, Ishtar. Everyone is excited for the race.

A great many things are still making me more than a little uneasy, but I am really pleased to see everyone enjoying themselves with this.

Master!

？！

Good morning, Master. Whew, that was easy.

...Wha.

Whaaaaaa!?

Fran!? Did you just talk!?

I mean, I know there have been a few occasions when you've talked in the past, but...!

Morning, Mass.

...Hm, I guess I'm still having trouble with those sounds. Mass, Mass, Match...Mash.

Was that good?

Y-yes, that was fine. Thank you, Fran.

But, what's going on? How did changing into a swimsuit help you to talk?

Wait, hold up. Frankenstein's supposed to be a Berserker, right?

...But she's looking a lot like a Saber right now!

Yes! I became a Saber!

Bwuh!?

Th-this awful feeling in my heart can only mean one thing... A new Saber has been born!

Just you wait! I'll be there at light speed to cut you to ribbons...as soon as I finish my breakfast.

？！

But how did you end up as a Saber?

Allow me to explain!

Eep! Th-the Archer of Shinjuku!?

For the time being, I would prefer you address me as "Professor M." Or, alternatively, "Fran's Papa."

Piffle! This is perfectly legal.

I assure you, there is no "sugar" to go with this "Papa"!

？！

...Well? Are you going to explain, or what?

Oh, yes, of course.

Well, you see, when I gave Fran this swimsuit, I also made a few tiny improvements to her weaponry...

And that clearly changed her class! The end.

？！

...I confess I am only guessing about this...

However, while she may be most widely known as a character from a novel, they are not the same person.

Given how truth and fiction are so vaguely intertwined for her, I imagine it wasn't too difficult for her Spirit Origin to change.

B-Babbage!?

Didn't you say you were going to hide out in London for the summer to avoid complaints about your steam?

I did, but I've since changed my mind. We are hereby officially registering to compete in the race.

In the race.

Indeed.

All three of us!

？！

Uh, okay, setting aside team limits for the moment, what about a vehicle? You need to at least

... ...

... ...

Fou...

I call it the Babbage Locomotive Form.

Will this do?

I know, right? Hehe! (Proud smile)

？！

Um, Senpai? Why are you crying?

I was surprised too, but I don't think there's anything to be sad about...

Uh, yeah. I'm pretty sure he's not sad, Mash.

Those are tears of happiness. Deep down, Fujimaru has the heart of an eight-year-old boy.

Some boys just take longer to grow up than others.

I see.

...I still don't understand the appeal very well, but I'll be sure to study it more in the future!

ANYWAY! You're all set as far as racing vehicles go. Team "Electric Steam feat. Papa" is now officially entered!