Fate/Grand Order story · Events, Johanna and the Unidentified Love:: Smash 'em Up☆Love, Lovers, and the Great Stone Statue
Section 2: An Angel, a Devil, and a Wish
Johanna and the Unidentified Love:: Smash 'em Up☆Love, Lovers, and the Great Stone Statue. Chaldea Gate
2 scenes, 400 lines
1. Before the battle
142 lines...Hey. Hey, you, Wake up before you catch a cold.
Forget it. That's not going to work. Here, let me borrow your fangI mean, your sword.
See how pale and flabby she is?
I bet we could wake her up in no time if we skewered those love handles like shish kebabs.
Yikes, that's horrifying. I swear, that right there is exactly why I'm afraid of nuns with protruding ribs.
You're gonna skewer way more than her love handles if you try that. Besides, I don't want my blades getting covered in fat.
Oh, you're awake. That's a shame.
Hey, there she is. Morning, Ms. Sucks-To-Be-You! Congrats on becoming the star of this event!
As for us...well...
...You can think of us as ghosts bound to this Holy Grail.
How we wound up here is a long story, and one that doesn't really matter right now.
...Okay... (What's with these two?)
Hmm... I guess you can call us Angel and Devil?
As you can plainly see, I'm the devil, which makes this chick the angel.
Yes, that's true. This pitch-black creature here is the devil, ripe for exorcising.
Oh. So...should I exorcise him then?
Whoa, whoa, don't do that. You've got bigger concerns right now.
Are you aware that, if you don't do something, you're going to die?
Huh?
Okay, so what you're saying is, we have maybe a second before the mage's wish is granted...
...and since I got a hand on the Holy Grail before them, if I don't make a wish first
The mage's wish will come true, meaning this Singularity will affect humanity.
And on top of that, the Master of Chaldea will be killed.
Talk about an easy way to rank up!
That's right. As long as you make sure your wish is granted first.
Hmm.
But, I'm a woman of the cloth, and a Ruler to boot.
There's nothing I'd want to ask the Holy Grail for...
Yeah, that tracks!
You clergy, or nuns, or whatever are practically guaranteed to be boring as shit!
Are you just made of marshmallow!?
Like, she's pure and innocent?
I guess that's a way to put a positive spin on it. Anyway!
I don't for one second buy that there's nothing you want. I'm calling BS.
Wha
My heartor rather, my Spirit Core jumped at the devil's accusation.
I wasn't upset that I'd been found out, but his words genuinely came as a surprise, even to me.
Good point.
If you insist that you don't have a wish of your own, then the Grail will have to grant the one in your subconscious.
Oh boy, I wonder what it's gonna be♪
Hey! What's that sound!?
Quiet, please. We're extracting your wish.
Now, what have we got here?
... ...
This...
This'll work.
It sure will.
Man, I thought for sure we were gonna get a wish as bland and boring as a melted marshmallow, but nope!
I had you all wrong. This is the most entertaining wish I could have hoped for.
In fact, these kinds of wishes are right up my alley. Let's get it granted right away.
H-hold on! What IS that wish, anyway!?
You want to know?
Yes, I do!
Too baaad!
What!? That's so unfair!
Then without further ado, let's start rebuilding this Singularity.
Good luck!
Before I could register my shock, I found myself falling.
As I thought to myself that it felt like I had been unceremoniously tossed down a hole...
...I became increasingly uneasy thinking about the pitch-black devil's laugh.
Master... Master!
What is this place?
？！
I don't know. Hopefully Chaldea will have a better idea. Da Vinci!
Yes, Chaldea here! Is everyone okay!? Is anybody hurt!?
Um... Well, I can confirm that Master and I are both all right!
Reindeer! Reindeeeeeer!
Lily! Over here!
？！
Waaah! I'm so glad I found you!
Everything went all dark, then I got dizzy, then I nodded off, and then you were all just gone!
There, there...
？！
Gosh, I wonder what happened.
It looks like...I'm in the woods. Did I fall into a big pot without realizing?
Nursery!
Waaah! Nurseryyy!
Oh my. There, there.
Master! You're all right!
What in the world happened? The last thing I remember is the mage muttering something as the battle was wrapping up.
So you're here, too... That just leaves Johanna!
？！
Johannaaa! Are you theeere!?
Johannaaa!
Ngh...
Johanna!
Johanna! Are you okay!? Please, wake up!
Gwah!
Y-yikes! So loud!
It's almost like she just woke up from an awfully bad dream! What's wrong, Johanna?
Wh-where am I... The woods? And...you're all here, too?
So then...where are the angel and devil?
Angel and devil?
I see.
It sounds like this hallucination, or dream, or whatever it was, granted you a wish.
Y-you think so?
Interesting...
Technical Advisor, perhaps it would be better if I took it from here?
Good idea... I'll leave you to it then...
Is Da Vinci okay?
Oh, yes, don't worry about her. Her sides are just hurting a bit.
Now I'm really worried about her!
Oh, please, don't be! She's perfectly all right!
Ahem. Johanna, could I have a word with you?
O-oh, yes. What is it?
...Whatever happens, I need you to keep it together. For now, you can all head east to get out of that forest.
That's where you'll get your answers. Now, if you'll excuse me...
Master...
East it is then!
？！
W-wait! What exactly am I going to see over there!?
According to the Book of Genesis...
...the Lord created the world in six days, then rested on the seventh.
And according to Johannaer, me, I entrusted my wish to the Holy Grail...
...and the results were far more insolent, impious, and absurd than I could have ever imagined.
Even now, I can't believe it. I just can't believe it!
... ...
...What?
Unless I'm very much mistaken, I believe that is a statue of you, Johanna.
...I think I'd like to faint now.
Hang in there!
It's true, Johanna.
I hate to say it, but that statue is definitely you.
And the fact that it's so big means we're almost certainly still in the Singularity!
Now I get it. So the reason Da Vinci's sides were hurting
Is that she was doubled over, trying to contain her laughter.
Yup.
It's a beautiful statue, Johanna! Don't you think it might be a little TOO big, though?
And so, my outburst rattled my companions' eardrums and echoed for kilometers around...
2. Before the battle
258 lines...Okay, I'm calmer now.
So, we don't know what happened here. All we know is that there's a giant, mysterious statue just over there.
...A VERY MYSTERIOUS statue!
Are you sure it's really mysterymious? I'm pretty sure it's you, Johanna!
Where's a wrecking ball when you really need one...
Now, now. Let's just take it easy.
Having a giant statue of yourself doesn't sound all bad. Heck, I've always wanted one.
By all means, have this one♪
Thank you, but I must respectfully decline. So...what do you all think we should do now?
I think we should start by asking around to find out what that statue of Johanna is doing here in the first place!
Good point. Okay, let's begin with that!
Thank you, everyone. I can truly feel the love in the air!
What about you, Johanna? What will you do?
？！
Oh, good question.
Since the statue was made in my image, it would probably confuse the locals if they saw me in person.
So I think I'll just tag along like this.
Man, it's huge...
？！
Ha...haha... What is this...? This is...a lot...
It must be at least as big as the statue on Corcovado.
This is so wrong in so many ways! I've never wanted to break down crying so badly in all my life!
You know, I have to wonder...did the people of this time even have the technology to make statues this big?
That must have been the Holy Grail's power at work. And that would mean
...Was this your wish, Johanna?
NO! Absolutely not!
That stupid angel and devil must have done something! I just know it!
This couldn't possibly have been my deepest wish!
...At least, I'm pretty sure it couldn't!
Either way, we should start asking around and see what we can find out.
Excuse me, sir. May we talk to you for a moment?
L■ve■-■ov■■ Johanna!
Oh, that's just how we say "hello" in this town.
I-I see...
(I couldn't quite make out what he said before "Johanna," but maybe some questions are better left unanswered.)
So, what can I do for you?
Well, we're travelers, and we couldn't help but wonder what the story behind this statue is.
We can tell just from looking at it that it must be a very noble figure, but aside from that...
Oh, I see. You want to know more about... the Lovey-Dovey Heart Johanna Statue!
In that moment, time itself ground to a halt.
Every Servant who accompanied us, everyone listening via transmission, even Master...
...lost all capacity for coherent thought.
Lovey?
Dovey?
That's right! This is the Lovey-Dovey Heart Johanna Statue!
Hrrk...
Oh my. Is she okay?
O-oh, yes, she's fine. She's just a little tired from our journey here.
More importantly, um...could you tell us more about this...Lovey...Dovey...?
(Dear gods, I can't even get the words out. It's too embarrassing. Can someone step in here?)
(Lovey... I-I'm sorry, but I don't think I can keep a straight face, either!)
...Hehe, okay then.
Sir, would you be so kind as to tell us all about...
...the Lovey-Dovey Heart Johanna Statue, please!?
(Wow! Way to go, Nursery!)
(Impressive!)
Hmm, yes, let me think...
It all happened ten...or fifty...or maybe a hundred years ago...
(That's...quite a range...)
？！
(Shh, Master.)
According to the town's history, a short, or maybe long time ago...
...an incredibly wicked demon lived here.
It drove the town to ruin, wrecked its economy, and caused the people to fall into a deep torpor.
The people had no choice but to pray to God, and fortunately, their prayers were answered.
May the light be with you!
Aaargh!
Is everyone okay? I'm Johanna, the purest, most righteous, best pope ever.
On that day, Pope Johanna decided to stop by our town as part of her pilgrimage.
Her smile shone like the radiant sun. Her physique embodied the golden ratio itself. Her faith burned as hot and bright as magma.
Oh my... What a noble figure.
The townspeople, overcome with gratitude, asked Johanna how they could ever thank her.
Oh, it was nothing. It is the job of those who serve God to be a shepherd to guide and protect those in need.
You don't need to thank me!
But the townspeople insisted on thanking her anyway. And so, Johanna replied:
I see. Well then...
Build a statue of me to protect this town, and love it as though it was one of your own.
As long as you do that, I will continue to watch over this place forever and ever.
Hm? How do you make a statue like that? With a miracle, of course.
And so, with the aid of Johanna's miracle, the enormous statue was built in no time at all.
Farewell, everyone. May the Lord shower this town with His love forever and ever...
And everyone lived happily ever after.
What's that?
Why..."lovey-dovey"?
Oh, that's one of the last things Lady Johanna told us before she left.
"Thou shalt all love one another." "Thou shalt say 'lovey-dovey' three times per day."
"In fact, thou should even say 'lovey' once in each sentence you speak."
Hi, Grandpa, lovey!
Oh, if it isn't my lovey-dovey grandchild.
(I never said that... I never said anything like that...)
(Johanna's really hanging by a thread here...)
Lovey-dovey to you too, miss!
Huh? A-are you talking to me!?
... ...
L...lovey!
Yaaay! Lovey-dovey!
There's nothing to be embarrassed about, Mash. It's just lovey-dovey!
Right... I'll, um, do my best...
Lovey-Dovey Heart Johanna Manjyu! Get your Lovey-Dovey Heart Johanna Manjyu right here!
They're really yummy, lovey-dovey!
We've got chocolate love, strawberry chocolate love, love white chocolate love, and so many more, lovey!
Johanna Love House! Come visit the Johanna Love house!
It's chock-full of thrills, chills, and mysterious lovey-dovey puppets, lovey!
Whoops, the Lady Johanna dolls are malfunctioning again! Please be patient until we get this issue sorted out!
Don't worry, I guarantee we meet the minimum safety lovey standards!
Who'd like their lovey-dovey portrait painted with Lady Johanna!? Come get your lovey-dovey Lady Johanna portrait here!
I just know you and Lady Johanna will paint a beautiful picture together!
Ehe... Ehehe... It'll take me about a month to finish...
So if you could continue to spend lots of monI mean, love in this town during that time...
This is even worse than I thought!
(That mysterious painter is downright devious!)
Aww, you're gonna make me blush... Ehehe...
？！
(Ready to shuffle off this mortal coil)
Please hang in there, JohaErm, just Joha!
Are you sure your friend there is all right?
Oh yes, she's just really, really tired. I don't suppose there's an inn around here where we could rest?
Oh, yes, there's one just across the street.
Wonderful, thank you. Okay, everyone, let's go!
Nice meeting you all. Lovey-dovey!
Oh yes, lovey-dovey!
Aaaaaah!!! Aaaaaaaaahhh!!!
Johanna is screaming into the pillow. I can't say I blame her...
Are you okay, Johanna?
It'll be okay, Johanna.
...Just let me die.
No, that wouldn't be right. I just want the earth to swallow me up.
No, that would still be dying, wouldn't it... I know, a monastery.
I can just spend the rest of my life praying in a monastery.
Umm, I don't know if we could let you do that. Plus, I don't think praying at a monastery is going to help much.
Now, now. Just take it easy, okay?
？！
Hmm...
Um, excuse me, but could I ask a question?
This IS a Singularity, right?
That's right. Let me explain.
Right after you defeated that mage, the Holy Grail suddenly started leaking magical energy...
...and a new Singularity was reconstructed in almost the exact same location as the prior one.
Hmm. I guess you could say the new Singularity overwrote the old one.
I don't know if anything like this has ever happened before. It's definitely a rare, if not unique, phenomenon.
Anyway, this is for sure a Singularity, right?
So then, the fact that there's a statue of Johanna here means
Yeah. She's got to be the cause of it.
Well...what are we supposed to do, then?
Hmm. Then again, SHOULD we be trying to resolve this Singularity?
Huh!? Rama, what are you saying!?
Think about it.
If Johanna's the one who made this Singularity, then we'd have to defeat her to get rid of it, right?
So, maybe we should just let it be.
Th-that is a good point, but...
Hang on.
？！
... ...
I disagree. If that's what you have to do, you should take me down.
I'd never be able to live with myself if a Singularity that I'm responsible for was left alone.
...That said, I may be...lovey...right now...
I may be Lovey-Dovey Johanna right now, but still!
So she's starting to just kind of go with it...
Of course I have no intention of leaving this Singularity alone, either. But I also refuse to beat Johanna up.
What should we do, Da Vinci?
？！
Good question. Let's start by analyzing what we know. Calmly.
That's right. You're not allowed to laugh or cry!
Oh come on! I'm willing to endure a trial, but this is ridiculous!
Okay, so for the sake of convenience, Chaldea has officially decided to call this the "Lovey-Dovey Heart-Singularity"...
...or "LDHS" for short.
Since when do you give Singularities names?
According to Johanna's own confession, we know that she's responsible for LDHS's creation.
As for this Singularity's, um...main attraction...
It's okay, Da Vinci. You can call it what it is: a ridiculous, farcical, absurdly oversized statue.
It really is spectacularly huge, isn't it? Anyway, yes, that.
That statue is the reason so many people know about Johanna and are convinced of her existence.
Just having a statue like that around is enough to inspire awe and reverence.
So we can safely assume it's the cause of this Singularity.
Makes sense...
？！
And if people have been talking about Johanna for as long as the past hundred years...
...then I think this is what it will ultimately come down to!
The end.
Indeed. Take it from me: legends can and do change over the span of a millennium.
In particular, stories passed down in the oral tradition are bound to take odd turns as time goes on.
Well, it does seem to be an incontrovertible fact that Johanna made this statue herself.
So the first thing we need to do is destroy it.
Right... I'm sorry about this, Johanna.
Don't be sorry, Mash. You have nothing at all to apologize for.
In fact, you'd be doing me a really big favor by getting rid of that horrid abomination.
Fortunately, we've got Rama here with us.
Rama, I'm guessing your Noble Phantasm could demolish that statue, even if Johanna made it?
Yes, of course. That won't be a problem. The problem is, we need to do something about the townspeople first...
...or there is a good chance of them getting hurt or killed when it comes crashing to the ground.
Then our first step is to evacuate them all.
？！
...Hang on a second. Hey, Meunière. Are you sure this report is accurate?
I'm sure. Trust me, I double checked everything.
Got it. Thanks!
Okay, guys. We've got an update for you. Take another look at the statue through the window there.
The statue?
Yup. And pay extra close attention to its shoulders.
Um...
？！
...Master, look! Aren't those
Chains!?
？！
According to our analysis, those chains are actually Servants. Well, more accurately, they used to be Servants.
Anyway, each chain is guarding the Johanna statue
Excuse me, the Lovey-Dovey Heart Johanna Statue, with every link of its being!
Was it absolutely necessary for you to correct yourself there?
I see. So those chain Servants are serving as guardians of the statue.
Oh, sorry! I meant the Lovey Dovey Hea
STOP!
Ahem. I count four chains on that eyesore!
Each is a Servant protecting it, which means destroying it won't be simple!
...That IS what you were going to say, right?
Mhmm.
Then we'll just have to defeat those Servants and free them from this awful servitude!
...No, wait. We should start by talking to them. But if our attempts at diplomacy should break down, then
S-somebody, come quick!
Hm?
？！
That sounded like the old man we talked to earlier.
What is it, Grandpa!? Oh, lovey-dovey!
Look! It's the Lovey-Dovey Heart Johanna Statue! Oh, lovey-dovey!
...Huh? Are those chains!?
Indeed. According to the new legend that was added...fifty? Hm, maybe fifty years ago?
Try to pin the date down a little more confidently, please.
Good point. It's basically DLC, isn't it.
Anyway, it says that when an evil god who wants to destroy the statue should appear...
...four heroes will emerge and transform into chains to keep the statue safe!
Cool!
No, not "cool"! Don't you get it!? That means there's an evil god who wants to destroy the statue, and it's already here!
And...what can we do about it!?
Um...pray?
No, you fool! We do everything we can to destroy this evil god ourselves!
Round up every young adult in town! Tell them the Lovey-Dovey Heart Johanna Statue is in danger!
G-got it! Heeey! Guuuys!
Ah, our most elite warriors. Good of you all to come. I take it you've heard the news?
Sure have!
Whoever's trying to destroy our beloved Lovey-Dovey Heart Johanna Statue won't get away with it!
This statue's our lifeblood! Our very soul! Our town depends on tourism to keep afloat!
I'll kill 'em! I'll fill 'em full of lead!
I'll knock them dead with my righteous fist of fury!
I'll flay them alive.
Om avira hum kham sowaka... Eko eko azarak, eko eko zomelak...
I knew we could count on our elite warriors! Now, go! Destroy the evil god!!!
We'll kill 'em! We'll kill 'em all dead!