The Gift from Space with the Nitwits Five

...

Awaken...

Awaken... The time has come...

Nn... Nnn...

(Gasp!)

Where am I? And who's talking!?

Quiet, you.

My name...is Space Nagon.

I am what your people would call...a whatchamacallit from the Servantverse.

Huh.

You know my name's not Seishou Nagon, right? It's Sei Shounagon. Why'd you split it all weird when you added "Space" in?

Fine. If you must know...

Space Nagon is just that, a Nagon (read: councillor) from space. It's an even higher rank than Mid-rank Nagon, or High-rank Nagon.

Wooow! Space is crazy!

Hear me, Sei, Low-rank Nagon from another universe... Or rather, Nagiko...

I come bearing gifts. Be grateful.

Consider these your summer Christmas presents. Ho ho ho.

Wha...? IS SPACE ME SANTA!?

Oooh, and does that mean I'm gonna be Santa Nagiko for this year's Christmas?

No.

Oh.

Instead, from now on...you shall be a summer Heroic Spirit.

And in your swimsuit form, you will travel to distant lands and encounter unspeakable horrors.

I know this because I saw it in my space fortune.

And since space fortune-telling uses the universe itself, it is ninety-eight-percent accurate.

Damn, space sounds awesome.

It will be difficult to avoid the future I have foreseen. However...

The space gadgets I have brought you are sure to help.

The Vividboard, which uses the magical energy generated from your Emotional Engine as fuel...

...and the Emotional Core Mallet, which can boost your Attack and fire beams and stuff using the same principles.

Take these space gadgets with you.

Use them to save the world from the impending, unprecedented crisis!

Spirit Origin Transformation Beam. Yah.

Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow! Why does it huuuuuurt!?

And there you have it.

When I woke up from that dream...I was a Berserker.

I see... That's, uh... Wow...

(I have no words...)

A dream? It was all just a dream? Now I feel like an idiot for ever taking this seriously.

Well, I guess it doesn't matter how you became a Berserker, just that you became one... I think?

Actually, hang on. Isn't it really unusual for Servants to dream at all?

It's not a bad idea for a story per se. Just needs some more lore and world-building.

Well, she is technically an author, Blackbeard...

"Technically" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that sentence.

Geez, is that all you guys have to say?

Fine then! Just don't expect me to save your lives when this big crisis rolls around!

Ha! Why should we be worried about that!? We get a new unprecedented crisis every damn year!

That said, if this does turn out to be true, please use your space powers to save me.

You're already hedging your bets!?

Anyway...I didn't peg you for the type to hang out with a bunch of guys at a tavern.

And not a nice tavern either, but the kind of dive frequented by grizzled local fishermen.

Isn't that normal for this time period?

But she's not from this time periods. She's a court lady from a thousand years ago or something... The Heian period, right?

Ah, don't be so uptight, Achi!

Achilles. My name is Achilles.

Looks like you've got the same nickname as Akira, the kid who used to live across the street from her.

Uh... Are you picking up some kind of weird signal or something, Blackbeard?

Yup.

(Well, I guess that explains it...)

Hehe. Your luck ran out when I spotted you leaving.

Did you really think old Nagiko here would miss a chance to sneak off and have fun?

That was...surprisingly self-aware of you.

Well, it's fine with me. Besides, the more people we have on hand, the better.

Yeah, that's true. According to what we heard at the tavern earlier...

...there's a bunch of shady characters hiding out on this island, and they've been messing with any fishing boats that get too close.

And how can you refuse a bunch of grizzled fishermen when they're crying to you about how, if someone doesn't help them, they won't be able to catch enough to survive?

Ha! Shady characters, my foot! I'm sure they're just a bunch of goons who couldn't hack it as pirates.

Now they think us real pirates are gone, so they're running around doing whatever they please.

I won't actually hang 'em, but I am gonna put the fear of Davy Jones in 'em!

Besides... We're way more shady than they could ever hope to be!

Damn straight!

Aww yeah, this is gonna be great! I'll follow you anywhere, Cap'n!

You sure, NagonI mean, Nagiko? You don't mind being, say, a second-class sailor?

Hey now, I'm still a newcomer here, remember? That's why I'm counting on you to show me the ropes, Ricacchi.

Huh!? I've only been here a little bit longer than you!

That's not how I remember it, Ricardo. Weren't you jumping at the chance to

Can we talk about something else!? ...Please.

Yeah, okay. Here's an idea for a topic.

Let's talk about who's got the best swimsuit this year!

Wooo! Now you're talking!

I love this kinda stuff. Okay, so first

Well, we all know who takes first place: Ms. Nagiko there.

Whoa, really?

(Chicken.)

(You're damn right I am!)

Gahaha, so you WERE looking, huh, Achi? Guess my bangin' bikini bod ticks all your boxes!

Yup, it sure does. I'm ticking them off right now. Hahaha.

Hmm. If you say so.

I think it looks good on you, too. It really suits your...energetic personality?

Plus, it's just really colorful. I think it's great how you're so comfortable standing out like that.

O-oh. Uh, thanks?

Honestly, I wasn't expecting that kind of reaction.

(I don't think it counts when he's mostly just praising the colors...)

(Shut it, Blackbeard.)

Oh hey, looks like we're almost at our destination.

Okay, guys, let's split up into two groups and search the island for

... ...

Th...

They really ARE shady!

F-forget pirates. They don't even look human!

This isn't some small squabble over fish! This really IS a job for Chaldea!

Keep it together, Ricacchi!

You can't judge a book by its cover! We've gotta see if we can talk to them first!

Uh...

Let's see if they understand English. Hello. My name is Nagiko. What's poppin'?

Heh.

Even as a Berserker, her first thought is to try words over violence, huh? Helluva time to start using your head, but okay.

Hey, yeah.

If we can talk to these things and resolve this peacefully, we have to give it a shot!

That's true. Communication IS really important.

Guess they don't speak English...

Well, Ms. Negotiator, what do we do now? 'Cause they sure seem to be spoiling for a fight.

Welp, guess that means we gotta fight back! Come on, Ricacchi!

Could you at least stop calling me that when we're out fighting for our lives!?

Oh, I know. What if we shorten your name...

...to just Ricky!?

Closer, but still no!

Ha! Too slow! Way too slow!

Okay, who's up next for an ass kicking!?

... ...

Damn, they ran for it, huh? All right, guess we'll have to go after them.

They went into the woods. This could be a problem.

Luring your enemies into a place with poor visibility is a pretty standard tactic. Especially if they've got backup waiting there.

Also, uh...

What was with those weird, uh, antenna-looking things they had?

You noticed that too, Ricacchi!?

I'm thinking...they might be aliens.

Heh... That's right. They're mysterious space aliens who snuck onto this planet as part of an invasion!

No! No they're not!

I simply WILL NOT accept any aliens who aren't blue space babes with long ears, black eyes, and skintight body suits. I WON'T!

Also acceptable are space chicks fawning all over me after I swoop in to save them from some terrible space monster, rocking a cigar in my mouth like a badass!

That's the dream humanity's long held when looking up at space! That's the retro-futuristic romance that sets every red-blooded man's heart aflame!

It's what every true sci-fi fan wants and deserves! (*Individual preferences may vary radically.)

Aliens, huh...

What do you think, Ricacchi?

Please leave me out of this. I beg you.

Ahh, why isn't Master here with us!? We're in desperate need of a straight man here!

Huh? Space aliens... Space...

Save the world from the impending unprecedented crisis...

Save the world... The world... I'm Space Nagon...

... ...

...Huh?

What's up? You figure out where those things might've come from?

Hmm. Maybe... Maybe not?

But hey, either way, we've gotta do something to help those poor fishermen.

So let's buck up and try this again, guys!

Hang on. Why are you leading us? I'm the captain! I should be giving orders at sea!

Mutinyyy!

Bwaaa!?

...Should we try to stop her?

Nnn... Eh, he'll be fine!

No, I won't!

Okay, now that we're all on the same page, let's go in there and try this again!

Time for some jungle exploration!

This way!

Um, Nagiko?

Are you sure we're going the right way? 'Cause it kind of looks like you're just charging ahead willy-nilly.

Heh...

Don't you worry, Ricacchi. My hunches have never led me astray.

Hold it. Did you just say "hunches"?

We've been walking for almost half an hour on no more than a hunch? Tell me you at least have Intuition or something?

Nope.

I knew it!

But hey, we've come this far, right? No turning back now. Now hang on while I do a little recon!

Wait! I can do recon much quicker thanAw geez, she's already gone!

Hmm. She really does run entirely on enthusiasm, momentum, and endorphins, doesn't she?

Just running off into the wilderness on her own can't be a good idea, though.

Eh, she'll be fine. Nagiko's the sort of person who could survive alone on a desert island, no problem.

What? No way. Not even she could...

... ...No, wait, you're right.

She'd probably be happy as a clam, eating raw fish, drawing a face on a volleyball, and calling it "Kaorucchi."

Right?

I mean, them party animal types might as well count as a species unto themselves!

Uh, a lot of people would put you in the same category, Blackbeard.

Me? I'm more of a representative of the dark side. The dark side of life, and of people.

...I guess you've got a point there.

I'm baaack!

Bwaaaaaa!?

B-Blackbeeeard!

Miss me?

Anyway, my recon went great! I know where the space aliens' base is now!

Whoa, really? Damn, I guess our author here really knows her stuff!

Then let's go check it out!

See!?

Yup, that's gotta be their base all right.

Hmm, there're a lot more of them than I was expecting. It's actually kind of gross seeing them all clustered together.

What do we do now? Should we fall back and call for backup?

Nah, we'll be fine. We can take these clowns no sweat.

... ...

Heh... No sweat at all.

Why'd you repeat yourself?

For once, I agree with her. Let's just take care of these chumps and be done with it.

Okay.

I might be the greatest pirate in the world, but even I don't think I could hold my own in a universe-spanning war.

!!!

Guys, look! Up there!

Wha...!?

Oh man!

It's huge! What the hell is that monster!?

No way... It's a hippoponotamus!

They're fearsome space monsters!

H-huh!? You actually recognize that thing, Nagiko!?

Nope.

I just made a name up.

Dammit! I can't believe I fell for it!

Oh damn, it just gobbled those things right up.

It's like a guy at an all-you-can-eat clam buffet.

I'm surprised it can handle them raw...

Heh, it'd be funny if this whole island was actually that thing's personal clam buffet, huh?

... ...

Aw crap, it saw us.

It's looking straight at us, now, huh?

Maybe it's just glad it has company!

No, I think it's thinking something like, "Mmm, fresh new clams♪"

Yup. Pretty sure it wants to slurp us up just like those other things.

I think you're right.

So, we'll have to face this thing without Master, huh... Well, that should make for a perfect handicap!

I'm sure this goes without saying, but if I'm going down, you'd all better go down with me!

Aw crap. Here it comes! It's huge!

All hands, prepare for battle!

You just wanted to try saying that, didn't you!?

Yup!

Tch!

We can't even make a dent in this thing!

That's hippoponotamuses for you! No wonder it rules this whole island!

Still trying to make hippoponotamuses a thing, huh?

Hey, wouldn't it be pretty bad if it ever got off this island?

I'll say. We've gotta find some way to stop it here and now!

Right, but how do we actually do that? ...Okay, I might have an idea.

Mandricardo, you're the fastest guy here after me. Can you run to camp and get reinforcements?

We'll do our best to keep it occupied until you get back.

Nah, you should go since you're the fastest, period. I can help hold things down here instead.

No, no, I insist you go.

Oh no, I insist YOU go.

Would you guys just hurry up and decide who's going already!?

No, wait.

There's one other thing we can try first!

There is?

We can call on an expert in monster slaying.

You mean like, bringing in someone who's legendary for slaying a dragon?

Like, Siegfried the Dragon Slayer!? Or maybe Sigurd!?

Tsk tsk tsk. You still don't get it, Ricacchi.

At times like this, the only person you need to call...is a hero!

... ...

... ...

Um, Nagiko? Have you taken a few too many hits to the head?

Any symptoms that rhyme with "schmoncussion"?

Nope, I'm still the picture of health! Now come on, help me call for them!

Uh... Okay?

You're really sure about this?

Sure I'm sure!

Graaaaaaah!!!

Welp, guess it can't hurt to try!

Come on, men! ...And you, Nagiko!

On the count of three! One... Two... Three!

Mysterious Heroine XX!!!

Hyaaaaaah!!!

I heard someone calling for help! Don't worry, space citizens! Galactic Police Detective XX is on the scene!

It actually worked!?

Wooo! Badaaass!

I knew we were right about XX!

Oh, hello, everyone.

It's a good thing I happened to be taking my vacation here in the Caribbean Sea!

Now, where's the evil Foreigner!?

...Wait.

Aaaaaah! That's not a Foreigner! It's an Alton Eater!

An...Alton Eater? Is that what that thing's really called?

So much for "hippoponotamus."

Wahahaha! Don't worry about that! It's ancient history!

These vicious space monsters come from planet Alton and are known for ferociously devouring its inhabitants!

And now you're telling me one turned itself into a monster comet and came all the way to this Singularity!?

Uh... Alton? Monster comet?

And what's more, this one is huge! Really, REALLY huge! It's obviously undergone some kind of mutation!

Heh... Having the biggest muscles doesn't guarantee you'll be the winner.

Go on, XX! Show us your awesome Noble Phantasm!

Uh... Well...

Wh-what's wrong? Did you twist your ankle when you landed or something?

... ...

Well, the thing is...

The only thing I've had to eat since I got to the Caribbean is rum and salt...

So I don't have enough strength to use my Noble Phantasm!

Whaaat???

The only option I have left...

...is to self-destruct by overloading my Cosmo Reactor!

But I was really hoping to save that for the season finale!

I don't see the problem. Go ahead. Blow yourself up now.

Do it, XX!

Self-destruction is the way to go.

Get 'em, XX!

I promise to give you a proper burial!

What do you guys think I am, a walking bomb!? Also, what was that guy with the purple hair doing here!?

All right... How about we compromise, and you only half blow yourself up?

Hmm. Yeah, that seems reasonable.

(It...does?)

Nnn, I don't really wanna half blow up either, but if it's what I have to do to preserve the peace...

Plus, I super don't wanna have to write this all up in a report...

Take care, Master, wherever you are... And Ex? Congratulations on your singing debut.

... ...

Huh? That smells like...ether.

Hey! Nagiko!

Huh? Me?

Where did you get that mallet!?

Oh, this? It was under my pillow when I woke up as a Berserker.

How does that work!? Have you got hammer fairies in this world or something!?

U-um, XX? What about Nagiko's mallet?

I'd recognize that "made-in-the-Servantverse" build quality anywhere... Also that it's designed to be used with multiverse interference rounds prohibited by the Space Accords!

Unfortunately, you need a pretty high security clearance before I can tell you more than that.

I, of course, already have that clearance.

C'mon, this is hardly the time to hold out! At least give us an idea of how it works!

What'll happen if we use it!?

It'll open a big hole in the sky that we can chase that big guy into!

Wooo! That makes it nice and simple!

Go on, Nagiko! This is your time to shine!

Mess this up, and it'll be Davy Jones's locker for all of us! Well, since you're the acting captain, it'll be the gallows for you!

So make sure you take this seriously, okay!?

Geez, Beardie, you're kind of freaking me out here.

Um... Nagiko, was it? Please, you're our only hope. Give that mallet all the magical energy you've got!

As long as you can activate it, it should take care of the spells and everything automatically!

But this model can only be used once, so make absolutely sure you don't mess it up!

'Cause if you do... Well, you don't wanna find out!

So promise me you won't, okay!? I'm too young to die in the line of duty!

Hang on. If you died in the line of duty, would it be because of the monster...

...or because Nagiko messed up with the mallet thing!?

Heh... Hehe...

Nagiko?

I get it now.

This must be why she gave me this mallet...

Okay, you got it!

I'm gonna use this bad boy to kick this wannabe lord of the island outta here!

And then I'LL be lord of the island instead!

... ...

...Damn, that's awesome.

Never mind your delinquent taste! Is there a reason you changed your outfit!?

It hypes me up more!

Fair enough. Okay then, do the thing, will ya?

Oh, right.

Emotional Engine...full drive!!!

Heh...

Thanks, Space Me! Best Christmas present ever!

Mana Conversion Reactor...max capacity!

Do it!!!

Your reign ends here, pal.

Go back to whatever hell you came from!!!

Heh...

It wasn't an easy job, but seeing how happy everyone is now, I guess it was worth it.

We saved the whole universe!

...Yeah, nope. Still sounds ridiculous when I say it aloud.

But hey, it's like they say: all's well that ends well!

The waters near that island have some of the best fishing spots in the Caribbean, so it's no wonder the locals are happy.

Guess that's why they're being so generous with the fish and booze.

Ahh, that hit the spot! It's been forever since I had a decent meal!

Hey, XX.

Why'd a monster like that show up in this Singularity in the first place, anyway?

Good question.

When it got sucked into that giant hole in space-time, I saw what looked like a spaceship getting sucked in with it.

I'm just speculating here, but...

I think an Altonian spaceship must have crashed here originally, not that monster.

Unfortunately, a monster had laid an egg on the ship. The egg hatched, and the monster started picking the Altonians off, one by one.

(Nope, still clear as mud.)

I have no clue what you're talking about, but it sounds like those aliens had some pretty bad luck.

As if crashing here wasn't bad enough, they ended up as food for that huge monster.

I guess if nothing else, at least we managed to stop the creature before it could terrorize the local populace, too.

Good thing I was here, huh!? This place would be a disaster zone right now if I wasn't!

Yup! You really saved the day, hero!

Oh, I've also gotta thank space me for relaying that space fortune...

...and giving me that mallet.

Space fortune?

... ...

Um... Now what is it?

Space fortune-telling doesn't predict the future.

It actually affects causality, which gives it a ninety-eight-percent chance of making its predictions come true.

I'm pretty sure it's been banned by the Galactic Entertainment Business Act for a while now...

... ...

So it was HER fault!

Dammit.

I don't know where this Space Nagon chick is, but I'm gonna curse her till the end of time.

I also don't know if they use paper in space, but if they do, my "increased chance of paper cuts" curse is gonna make her rue the day she messed with us!

That's an oddly specific curse. Nasty one, too...

Well, at least it's over now, so I'm just gonna get a drink and put this behind me. How about you guys?

It would be my pleasure to join you, sir.

Not least because of the hotties over on the far side of the tavern.

Wha...!? You got a lotta nerve saying that with me standing right here! I'm a genuine heroine, you know!

What was that? Sorry, I couldn't hear you.

Bahahahahaha!

Why're you laughing!? That wasn't funny!

How about you, Mandricardo?

Uh...

I think...I'll stay here for now.

Gotcha. Okay, we'll catch you later then.

Ah! Wait for me! I'm coming, too!

While there's still food to be eaten, I gotta eat enough to fill me up for a few days!

You're not going with them, Ricacchi?

Come on, I bet everyone'd love to hear about the daring exploits we got up to today!

Nah, that's all right. I'll leave that to Blackbeard and Achilles.

Honestly, I still don't really get most of that space and monster stuff, anyway.

True that.

Besides, I'm not much for that kinda party atmosphere.

I mean, it's not that I've got a problem with it.

... ...

I think there's something to be said for hanging out on your own in a tavern in a foreign country, just listening to people talking in a language you don't speak.

I mean, who's to say that's not an equally valid way to enjoy a trip?

Hmm... Gotcha.

I think I'll join you, then!

Were you even listening to me?

Wahaha, I'm not gonna get in your way. I just like that sort of thing too, is all.

You know, when you stop to think about it, it's been one adventure after another since we arrived. We haven't had any time to just sit back and see what things are like here.

And how often do you get a chance to come to the Caribbean Sea in the eighteenth century!?

... ...

Then, uh, you can join me if you want.

Oh! I know!

If we're not gonna be talking, we should use our mouths for something else! Like munchies!

Hang on, Ricacchi! I'll be right back with enough snacks for both of us!

Huh? H-hang on. At least make sure you don't bring back more than we can eat!

Hey, Beardie! Load one of those plates up with meat and gimme! Gimme, gimme!

She doesn't listen to a word out of anyone's mouth, does she?

Stop that, Nagiko! You need to eat veggies too, or you'll start bleeding from your gums! Ask me how I know!

Huh? Yikes, no thanks.