Shop 30: A Café Full of Services

Here you go, Master. And here you go, ladies. Now, please relax and enjoy your stay. Meow♪

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Y-you impress me once again, Master.

While I was busy trying to work out why the maids here dress and talk like cats, you just started enjoying your drink without batting an eye!

You can't come to Akihabara without visiting one of these cafés. They're one of its trademarks!

My whole princess identity has kind of faded to the background ever since I came to Chaldea. You've already got so many princesses there, so it's not really as special...

But here, I'm still technically a princess!

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Umu. While being waited on hand and foot by beautiful maidservants is of course nothing new for me, there is indeed something agreeable about this place.

...I actually used to live in an apartment that looked a lot like this, but it feels pretty different when it's open for business.

Honestly, it's a little hard for me to relax here... Gnn.

I feel the same way. Maybe it's because I'm just not used to the culture.

And actually, speaking of culture...

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at this point to see moving dolls working here, too.

The other customers don't seem to think anything of them, so I guess they're just a fact of life here.

They almost look as though they were made to work here. I suppose that's just one more criterion by which to judge a creator's skill.

...That's very fizzy.

Oh, is cream soda not your thing? If you like, I can trade you my orange juice for it. Don't worry, I haven't touched it yet.

No, that's all right. I was just surprised because I've never had anything like this before... These bubbly drinks are strange, but very tasty.

At any rate, there's one thing in particular we need to confirm right now.

Maybe one of the, um, maids can help us. Um, excuse me? Could I ask you something?

Meow, sorry! You need a ticket to talk to a cast member, meow!

Oh, uh, no, I didn't mean it like that. We were told there's an event here where we can earn lots of points?

...and that's all there is to it♪ It might be kind of tough, but that also means you can get looots of points!

And this event's always going, so just let one of us know if you'd like to try it, meow!

If you find you enjoy it, you could even start working here yourselves, which would be awesome! Then the rest of us can finally cut back on our hours and

Uh, I mean, never mind! This event definitely isn't also a way to try and recruit new employees, meow ha ha! Well, byeee♪

I-I see. I never would have guessed this event was a Maid-Off...

So to compete, we have to work as maids here ourselves for a set length of time.

When we're done, the customers vote for a winner, and we get the points if we beat the girls who work here.

That IS tough. You need to have a natural knack for this kind of job, or you'll never be able to beat the, well, pros who work here.

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Don't worry, this cat's got in in the bag, woof! I've never been here before, of course, but my killer hospitality techniques will still knock them dead!

That said, I'm afraid I will have to address other people as "Master" for a while, Master. That's the one rule no maid café can break, after all.

What's more, cats are naturally fickle creatures, especially when catnip's involved.

As the greatest maid in the world, I of course make it a point to only serve those I deem worthy...

But, under the circumstances, I suppose I can play along. And I do mean play, for I will not be taking this work seriously.

I also expect to be fully compensated. My usual fee will do. You still have the number to my Swiss bank account, yes?

You want ME to do this, too? I mean, I do have some service industry skills thanks to my espionage work, but still...

That's weird. I know they should all be up to the task, but I can't shake this uneasy feeling I have...

W-well, we know they have the skill, so we'll just have to trust that to be enough to carry them through this!

Hehe... You guys do seem like you know what you're doing, but being a maid at a maid café is a whole other ball game.

What she said. Don't think that just being maids alone will be enough to beat us.

Oh man, they sound really confident. Get 'em, girls!

Oh I will, worry not. Now, which target do I take out first?

(I'm starting to get reeeally worried about this.)

Welcome back, Master! Would you like to scratch my fluffy ears? Squeeze my toe beans? Or maybe...fluff my fur?

Oh, right. This café is strictly hands-off, so never mind. In the meantime, how about starting with a nice, cold menu, woof?

The rule of this café is Drink or Die. If you value your life, make sure to start with one of our more expensive drinks.

Food? Do not be ridiculous. Every bit of oil you consume detracts that much from your life span. Be content with moderation, or my trigger finger may get itchy.

Whoa, this is nice! I'm not sure if it qualifies as good, but it's definitely novel!

She's so wild, and I can't tell if she's a dog or a cat, and a cold-blooded hitmaid, huh...

I've definitely never seen anything like them before!

Huh. It looks like the customers are actually digging it? And I think the advice I gave d'Eon is working, too.

Here's the cake set you ordered, ladies.

And, um...Ahem. The secret ingredient...is all my love.

But let's keep this between us, okay? We don't want the manager finding out, after all.

Eeek! This is it! A beautiful boy disguising himself as a woman, and I'm the only one who knows his secret! It's just like I always dreamed!

Oh, this is bad! This is so bad, but it's so good! I know I shouldn't, but I can't help it! Aah!

(So, which is it, good or bad?)

(Anyway, I wasn't sure what to make of Osakabehime's advice when she told me to play up my masculine side, but the customers really do seem to like it.)

(Fascinating... I feel like I could learn a lot about how to better manipulate people from this.)

So, does it seem like they can win then?

Ulp. Well...

Okay, heeere comes the happiness spell! Ah-keeey-baa love♡

Thanks for coming, everyone! I'm so glad to see you♡ I hope you have lots and lots of fun with us today!

Woooooo! You bet we will!

This doesn't change the fact that we're fighting them on their home turf!

Novelty will gain us some ground, but I don't think it will be enough to bring home a win...

I-is there anything we can do?

Hmm. What do you think, Ma-chan?

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You're right! Yosh, let's bring in more reinforcements! We need to play this game on Chaldea's terms!

In fact, I had a feeling this might happen, so I've had our secret weapon on standby.

Whether it's combat, catering, or anything else, in the end, the only things you can really trust are tried-and-true techniques and your inner state of mind.

A battle between maids is a battle of hospitality to see who can best win over the customers' kokoro.

And we happen to know one of the top hospitality pros in the business! In fact, you could say she's the ultimate Japanese maid!

Me, chirp?

Ehehe, that's right, Ms. Beni! It would mean a whooole lot to us if you could help us out here.

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(She's acting like a whole different person.)

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(Sigh) All right, Master. Customer service usually isn't supposed to be competitive...

But if you need my help, I can't turn you down.

Besides, if they lose, it would reflect badly on Chaldea's hospitality as a whole...

And I certainly can't have that, chirp.

(Perking up)

(Yes! Between her girlish looks, her classic uniform, and her jigoku hospitality, this Maid-Off's as good as ours!)

Sorry, kid, but I can't let you work here. They got laws against child labor, you know?

What!?

Nooo! Curse you, labor laws!

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Really? Do you know of another maid who can both bolster our chances and be here at a moment's notice?

Who could it be?

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Huh? You want me to be a maid!? No way! I can't!

Sure, I can carry food and wait tables easily enough...

But I don't have anything in common with kids these days, so I can't imagine I'd be able to entertain them.

...Huh? I don't have to try and match their interests? I just have to be my usual motherly self?

Really? Well, if you're sure, but I have my doubts they're going to be happy with that...

Huh? You want me to be a...maid?

Hmm. It really does feel like a school festival here. It brings back a lot of memories.

All right, Master, if that's what you want.

I don't know if I'll be any good at this, but I'll do the best I can.

Me?

I mean, if that is what is necessary for us to win, I'm willing to give it a shot.

Huh? Galatea...?

Please don't take this the chigawrong way, but...do you even know how to wait tables?

Of course. Remember, I'm King Pygmalion's wife.

And since he tended not to employ many servants...

...I naturally became proficient at basic homemaking skills.

So yes, I would be glad to do this. I'm especially good at carving shapes into apples and such.

I can do gods, humans, animals... Whatever you like.

That's weirdly specific, but hey, whatever works! Okay, let's see how this goes!

I have to ask again: Are you sure that was okay? I think I was pretty nice, for the most part...

But I might've been a little harsh on the kids who kept acting up.

Huh? That was actually perfect? Really?

So, how did I do?

I hope it's okay that I ended up coldly glaring at and threatening to twist some customers who wouldn't leave me alone.

That was actually giving them exactly what they wanted? I see...

My carved apple dish was added to the menu under the name "Sweet☆Sweet Magical Girl Whole Apple Carving."

Does that mean the customers liked it? That's a relief.

I still don't understand your advice to serve them without smiling, though.

Nor exactly what the phrases "ice queen treatment" or "salty service" mean.

I suppose it just goes to show there is still much about this world I need to learn.

It was a real nail-biter, but hey, at least we won! Way to go!

Yes, it's amazing that you all managed to outdo professional maids on their home turf!

I don't know how much credit we can take. Since the challenge only lasted for a short time compared to the maids' shifts, I think we didn't have to save our energy as much.

Agreed. To be honest, I am not sure we would have won if there had been a little more time on the clock.

It's a good thing you called in those reinforcements as quickly as you did, Master.

I'm just glad I didn't keep a close eye on all of you during the contest for nothing, chirp.

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What Master said, woof. We all knew we had to be on our best behavior with Ms. Beni-Enma watching us.

It's a good thing you called on me instead of my original.

The most she could have done under Ms. Beni's watchful gaze is freeze up with her tails sticking out.

Sounds like it was a very hard-fought victory then.

Yes, it does. And our opponents don't seem all that troubled by their loss, either.

At least, if that bubbly consolation party they're throwing is any indication.

I bet they're getting a bunch of additional orders out of this.

And of course, if they had won, they would be holding a victory party instead. So this is how the house always wins.

...

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No. I was...just looking at the doll mixed in with the people.

Oh, yeah. I didn't even realize that I'd stopped finding dolls like that unusual.

It still feels weirdly natural, even though I know in my head this kind of thing could only happen here in this Singularity.

There's something else I've been wondering about. Did someone used to love that doll?

Or did the King of Figures simply decide to give her life and send her out into town?

Why not ask? They certainly seem to be in a talkative mood... Umu, you there, Manager. Answer my questions.

(Huh, she's the spitting image of Nero, isn't she?)

Her? Yeah, I heard she was born at the King of Figures' place.

I'd say that's probably true for most of the dolls around Akihabara.

Bringin' one you love to see the King of Figures and havin' him make her human's a nice idea and all...

...but it sounds like it's real tough to actually make that happen.

I do hear a bunch of guys have made it their life's ambition to get up there and see him...

...but I see most gettin' carried off to the hospital after tryin' and failin' to make their way up his tower.

So this King of Figures is sending hundreds of living dolls to this town...

...and is conditioning the people here to accept this state of affairs as natural.

Why would he do such a thing? What could he be thinking?

...I do not know. Which is all the more reason for us to meet with him and ask.

Do not worry. Every step brings us closer to him.

...Yes, that's true. I'm sure all will be clear once we meet with him.

And do not forget, we can always capture that imposter of mine and make her talk as well!

Hm? Why are you smiling? Did I say something odd?

No. It's just that, whenever I look at you...I find myself smiling. You are always so cheerful.

I apologize if my doing so made you uncomfortable.

Umu, that is quite all right. I am the emperor of the beautiful red rose, after all.

I am renowned in Rome for my ability to cure any malady. The afflicted need only lay eyes on me for it to be so. By all means, continue to shower me with adoration!

I've seen many students over the course of my life, and to teach them effectively, the first thing I needed to develop was a keen eye.

Though children have almost limitless potential, they cannot master all possibilities within their mortal life spans.

And so, I had to learn how to quickly discern what a particular child was good at...

Things such as what natural talents they held, what aptitudes they possessed, how they would change as they grew, and what manner of teaching they would best respond to.

Though of course, the child's own wishes played the largest part in informing what sort of person they would ultimately grow up to become.

But I digress. My point is, as far as I can tell... Numbers 5 and 8 appear to be solid bets.

Nei-heigh! Are you sure about that!?

As Lu Bu, I may have left most of my own personnel assessments to my self-destruct tactician in chief, but what I lack in discernment, I make up for in wild nature.

I decide based on feeling rather than logic, and my instinctual grasp of a situation speaks far louder than words!

All my feelings and instincts are telling me that with those determined eyes, powerful limbs, and gallant gait...

...numbers 3 and 6 are definitely the way to go!

Heh. Far be it from me to deny your method of ascertainment. Indeed, I find it fascinating.

Still, the fact remains that regardless of what we say, only the Fates know the outcome.

All we can do now is wait and see what happens.

That's for sure. Here goes!

It's a close race right out of the gate! Uh-oh, but what's this? One of them is already falling behind!

Wahahahahahaha! ...Meowhat!?

But my calculations said that one coin would go that way while another went this way...

...which was supposed to cause a coin avalanche that would put me on easy street!

Then I was going to laugh haughtily while mocking these ignorant fools! In fact, I'd already started the laughing part!

Gnnn! This can only be the malicious purrank of some other low-minded divinity.

Well, you can't beat me that easily! I'm gonna win that stack of coins even if it costs me every coin I already have!

Besides, the more I put in, the more I'm bound to get back! That's just logic! Jaguar logic!

It...can't be...

I was so close. So tantalizingly close.

Another tenno, five coins, and I'm sure that fat stack of them would have been mine...!

I overheard the whole thing.

Who's there, meow!?

I'm here on behalf of the Caesar Coin-Lender Akihabara branch.

We can lend you as many coins as you need, whenever you need them, and without any pesky guarantors or guarantees slowing things down! All you need to do is sign this contract, and you'll be on your way!

Well? What do you say?

Yikes. Uh, n-no thanks...

Now, now, all I ask is a moment of your time. I understand your concerns, but think of it like this:

Any concerns you may have about taking on debt...

...will surely vanish when you hit the jackpot, won't they?

Why, just imagine how it'll feel when you finally knock down that tower and claim all those shiny coins for yourself.

What's a little compound interest next to that kind of pure joy?

Whoa... So this is how being drawn into a spider's web feels... (Wavering)

Stop that! Coin-lending is against the rules!

Tch. I was just running a little social experiment! I swear, you lot are even more stubborn than my old senators!

Whoa! I didn't think a guy that big could book it that fast!

Ah... Come back...

...Welp, I guess I've got no choice.

I'll just have to purrowl the floor for every stray coin I can find!

Hmm. These bleeping and blooping things aren't the kind of games I was expecting to find here...

Are they not your thing?

Oh, it's not that. Video games are still games. I've played them with Lady Batty numerous times.

I especially like the ones where you get to cut off your enemies' heads. You can never have too many opportunities to do that.

(Why am I not surprised...)

But something about this Spirit Origin always takes me back to the time I spent training on Mt. Kurama.

Maybe that's why I gravitate towards more physically active games.

The kind of game where you move your body until you're gasping for breath, and you can feel the delectable sensation of your heart pounding, and that glorious ache in your muscles...

That is what I consider a true game right now!

I see. In that case, why don't we try this?

Hmm? I don't see any blinking lights or screens on it. It looks like a fairly ordinary table.

I get it! You want to arm wrestle! Fine with me!

What? No! Why would you even think about challenging dainty prepubescent girls to a contest of pure strength!?

This is an air hockey table. The object of the game is to...

Ohhh, now I see! Yes, that does sound like something I would enjoy. Let's give it a shot!

Sure, but what do we do about teams?

We could play doubles once Miyu gets back with the drinks, but right now, we only have three players.

Well, since Ushiwakamaru's never played before, why don't you join her team and we play two-on-one?

I guess we could do that, though she's still way more athletic than either of

You cloned yourself!?

There! A little tengu shadow cloning, and we can all play on equal ground!

You really didn't have to go that far...

Oh, but I do! I swore back on Mt. Kurama that I would always take my playtime seriously! Otherwise, it wouldn't be good training!

Besides, I would hate to waste this chance for us to play together on an unfair fight.

Now, let's play some doubles!

Hmm. Okay, I don't see why not. All right, let's do this!

Haaaaaa!

Gaaah! How are you so fast!?

Ahaha! No need to hold back on my account, you two! I'm starting to get the hang of this!

Damn, she means business. Illya, I say go ahead and do your secret transformation now.

Huh? Why?

I mean, I know my hand-eye coordination isn't keeping up, but still...

That's part of it, but another part is that you just aren't strong enough to return her shots.

So you might just need to boost your strength with magical girl power.

Oh, but we don't want the puck to go flying too far and hit a random stranger...

...so let's put up a Bounded Field after we've powered ourselves up.

Really!? We have to go that far!?

Someone once told me to always be careful when facing a serious Genji. Honestly, we may still not be going far enough.

I just hope we can walk away from this intact when it's over...

Mmm, this IS fun! It feels like we're all batting away arrows on a battlefield!

Miss one, and you might lose an eye. Miss two, and you might lose the use of your arms, or a valued subordinate.

Okay, now that I'm in the right mindset... Here goes!

Be ready, Illya!

Eeeeeep!

(Hmmm...)